True story, Scout’s Honor:
From about 1986 to 1988, I went to one of those rich-kid summer camps in the Berkshires of Massachusets. Anyone out there who remembers “Lake Plunkett” during this time period can vouch for this story: There was one summer camp in our Lake Plunkett Summer Camp Community that kids and counselors from all the other camps talked about. This one particular camp had one particular bunk that had engaged in such unspeakably dark behavior, that even without TMZ and the Nets of Shame having been invented, stories of their illicit activities spread like wildfire. In fact, this one bunk’s transgressions were so mind-boggling, that even during the winter off-season, their acts were still the talk of any manhattan private school boys’ clique worth their NWA casettes.
Now listen, don’t get me wrong – MY bunk was bad ASS – We regularly engaged in all kinds of contraband shit late at night- from “smoking” rolled-up pieces of paper bag, to “raids” over to the girls’ side… we even once snuck in and kidnapped a poor frightened monkey from the owner’s HOUSE – we were crazy. But never in a million years would we have dreamed of doing what THESE brave little boys did; ya see, these kids fucked each other.
Apparently, it started with circle-jerks and then handjobs, worked its way up to head, and finally to full bent-over anal. And not just one time – Every night for a month, the story went, these 12-year-olds started their own little cosa nostra so gay that it would make David Geffen gag.
Their nightly activities changed the dyamics of their bunk drastically – and soon the legend spilled over to their whole camp, and eventually to ours too. As the story goes, they ended up finally getting “busted” by one zit-faced crying little fatass who nobody would fuck.
Now, because of these poor shamed homos, OUR parents were all so hysterical that our camp owners ended-up sending home letters discreetly mitigating against their fears – adroitly sending the calming message that at night, OUR bunks were closely monitored by adults to make sure that no inappropriate behavior of ANY kind took place.
Obviously, this was absolute horseshit; our counselors were out all night every night getting high and laid – otherwise, what the fuck would be the point of being a camp counselor? Instead, they took SHIFTS being the poor OD (on-duty) bastard who had to spent his night smoking reefer on a picnic bench in front of the boys’ bunk enclave.
Now: Right in the shadow of the orgies at camp queerball, and after the soothing letters had been sent home, one of our boys was busted jacking-off in the shower. Not sure – I guess he was in there for too long, and some douchebag old-man-counselor (There were like 2 of these guys, Curt and Roger, out of 30 counselors) saw him jackin it through the space between the stall and the little green shower curtain.
Never has a boy been more embarassed – he was SENT HOME – and I still don’t know if they commanded him to leave or if he begged to be allowed to go – he had trusted a couple of guys in my bunk under life-and-death secrecy, and so of course his secret spread through the entire camp (ESPECIALLY the girls’ side) faster than you can say “viral facebook faggotry.”
There was no note sent home about this incident, however, we DID receive a talking-to from the Jewish Camp Owner about sexual urges and the inappropriateness of touching oneself in a bunk full of other boys. Never did the owner say “ESPECIALLY IN LIGHT OF THOSE FRUITS AT THE OTHER END OF THE LAKE” – but he did LITERALLY, as jesus as my witness (please someone from Lake Plunkett Camps leave a comment and back me up) tell a boy the following when the wiseass asked if it was still ok to have a wet-dream.
“Well, good question – now, that’s different. Gentlemen, a Wet Dream, is like a freebee from God.”
So at this point, we had about two weeks of camp left – no jacking off, no fucking each other, and no candy. Except for the bacon bits and hot teen girls, It was like being in an Al Qaeda training camp. Here’s what happened next:
A boy comes into the bunk being pulled by his fucking EAR – now, this is what made Thomas Edison deaf, and these days I swear that’d be enough for a fucking lawsuit. He’s being escorted in by Curt, who we called Curt Valdheim, one of the dickhead old-man counselors. He tells the kid, SANDY KRAUSKOPH – his real name, go sue streetcarnage, they’re not afraid of you – he tells the kid to pack up his stuff, that he’s going to have him kicked out of camp – then he marches off to find the owner.
So the three of them go and have some kind of meeting, which we learned later was essentially a jack-off tribunal. Result: in a STUNNING reversal and greatest blow for kids’ rights since the advent of the video game, CURT VALDHEIM the COUNSELOR was asked to leave the camp.
What the fuck happened? Well, here it is for the first time on paper:
Sandy was in a bathroom stall, trying to take a piss while Curt was shaving at the sink. So when Sandy pulls down his shorts to take a piss, he starts pissing all over the floor like a cripple – WHY? WHY was he pissing on the floor? Well, Curt looks up from the sink, and being an expert in human anatomy, he realizes that SANDY must be suffering from the old pissing-in-2-directions that occurs after you’ve recently spanked your anteater.
YES – he was pissing in two different directions: it happens to other people besides you.
Sandy MUST have wanked it (I know i had been – my own, not Sandy’s) and then gone to take a piss, not figuring that Dr. House would be there to bust his balls. So, when piss shot out the ends of his dick – BOTH SIDE, as mr. Miagi would say, it got all over the floor. Nowadays, this happens to me on a daily basis, but in Sandy’s case- Curt was there to bust him.
Subsequently, I guess even under these McCarthyistic conditions, such an allegation from a counselor was deemed way-too-fucking-creepy to be normal.
Aw cmon Big Jim- The kid was pissing out of both sides of his dick! He’s a jacker!
Wish I knew that fag’s last name so I could google him on the sex offender google maps mashup.
Well, in any case, let’s end with a Men’s health lesson, since no one is ever here to support us:
a) It’s normal to piss out of both sides of your dick after you’ve cum recently. It happens because of this.
b) It’s normal for one testicle to hang lower than the other. When you’re old like me, they’ll BOTH be hanging in the toilet so it’s harder to tell.
c) When you’re first going through puberty, it’s normal to have little white spots on your dickball-base: those are hairs trying to grow.
d) No it’s not, you have cancer.
Take care,
Blognigger
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what happened to being gone for good?
welcome back!
02.04.09 at 2:43 pm
blognigger is back already? yay!
02.04.09 at 3:01 pm
Oh shit! Coming all back to me…(pretty clearly considering my fucking post-stroke brain):
Camp Cedar Falls
Angeles Oakes, deep in the mtns.
Cougar – B Cabin, about 8:00 (summer twilight)
“NiteQuest” hike or some bullshit
I went back for a flashlight and Shannon came with me
Very first handjob, ever! Didn’t even get close to finishing since I was like 13 and she was like 15 and she wanted to show me something. But I do remember that Shannon (forget her last name but her brother was an asshole who went Marine Corps) had one titty out (which is what she wanted to show me) – on the the jerking side and it just seemed way too weird and asymmetrical…all A-cuppish and tiny nipple and stuff; the other one safely tucked away in her tiny white bra.
Royce (“Rolls Royce” or just “Rolls”) my counselor came in to see what was keeping me and…. Royce was my first hero because he didn’t bust us. He told us to “keep that shit cool” and later congratulated me.
Ahhh….memories. Thanks, Blognigger, for bringing all that back and solving the two side dick piss problem. I was far too embarrassed to mention that to anyone. You’re my new hero! It’s good to have black role models (other than OJ).
02.04.09 at 3:11 pm
This is pointless. You should have stayed retired.
Lick my hole.
02.04.09 at 3:22 pm
hey garbagetits, everything about this site is pointless, that’s the point.
02.04.09 at 4:21 pm
is this some kind of paid promo for the new jason movie
02.04.09 at 4:33 pm
A Street Boners exclusive. Kaching!!!
02.04.09 at 4:40 pm
You guys sound like your about to die.
02.04.09 at 4:54 pm
WHAT KIND OF FAG GOES TO A CAMP THAT HAS BEDS? WHEN I WENT TO CAMP SOMETIMES WE SLEPT ON THE FUCKING GROUND WITH NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING. RACCOONS WOULD COME UP AND SNIFF ME IN MY SLEEP AND I’D GROWL AT THEM TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY.
I WISH I WAS KIDDING.
02.04.09 at 5:18 pm
thank you for coming back mr. blognigger.
02.04.09 at 6:15 pm
BN rules!
welcome back
02.04.09 at 6:53 pm
where have you been? i’ve been feeling things.
02.04.09 at 7:10 pm
This is the best article ever. I cannot back the tale because I’m poor and from Michigan, so our asses went to the Y during the day in the summer. Still, great shit.
02.04.09 at 8:11 pm
oh my god I can’t breathe…
That’s the funniest thing of all time.
Thanks
02.04.09 at 8:54 pm
OH THANK YOU BLOGNIG FOR RETURNING TO THE BONER FOLD! Welcome back!!
I keep hearing the Meatballs soundtrack in my head.
Also, can any other rich eastcoasters vouch-do boys at camp make love to each-other? Insane
02.04.09 at 9:32 pm
Both Side like Mr Miyagi (RIP) would say. too good.
02.04.09 at 9:33 pm
WELL RITA YOU MIGHT BE MISSING A CRUCIAL POINT OF THE THING THAT OL BLOGNIGGER WAS GETTING AT WHICH IS THAT PART OF THE INTEREST LIES IN THE FACT THAT MOST BOYS AT SLEEPAWAY CAMP DO NOT MAKE LOVE TO EACH OTHER THAT IS WHAT MADE THESE BOYS SO SPECIAL AND THE TALK OF THE METAPHORICAL TOWN SO TO SPEAK LOL
02.04.09 at 9:36 pm
Oh. yeah, good point. but if it happened once…
Also, BN-if you keep writing lite memoir-y funny stuff, shit doesn’t have to get heavy and you can keep on posting on this site or your blog and everything is going to be ok. ok? cool.
02.04.09 at 9:45 pm
Woah, did anyone see the last link? That thread went a “wee” too long about two way pee pee.
Such a guy thing if you think about it.
Fucking A. The BN is back!
02.04.09 at 10:20 pm
Welcome back blognigger, you’re the best
02.04.09 at 10:36 pm
I went to boy scout camp, all boys, all the time. There were always self spread rumors about certain young fellows hooking up with the female swimming merit badge counselors, but they were undoubtedly bullshit. I did attract a bit of heat one year for bringing some playboys I stole from my uncle. One of the jealous kids whom I didn’t share them with threatened to rat me out to the scoutmaster. I freaked and tossed the pb’s into an open latrine. That shit was worth its weight in gold when you were 12. Tragic, man, fucking tragic.
02.04.09 at 11:06 pm
BN must be running out of blogger-juice if he’s resorting to childhood reminisces… the end is nigh, internet fame is short.
keep it current, man.
02.04.09 at 11:23 pm
disregard that – I suck cocks.
02.04.09 at 11:48 pm
I remember once walking into the bathroom at daycamp and witnessing one kid staring at another kid’s asshole.
02.05.09 at 1:03 am
I want to be a boy scout troop leader.
02.05.09 at 2:56 am
omg, how many different shades of homo are you?!
02.05.09 at 3:21 am
Christ already. That’s not me. Fuckin A Shitcock, did your Dad beat you with a belt when you were younger or something?
02.05.09 at 4:41 am
thank christ i never went to camp.
02.05.09 at 5:02 am
interesting fact : you’re so gay that there are several people impersonating you around here. true story.
02.05.09 at 6:43 am
Here’s a man I can relate to.
02.05.09 at 8:00 am
but in the end, is there a real ‘vegan jules’? mmh, that’s what they would like us to believe! but we are not that stupid, are we?
02.05.09 at 8:14 am
fuck yeah, SC is way better w/ BN around.
02.05.09 at 9:39 am
VEGAN JULES YOU ARE KILLING BEAUTIFUL INNOCENT CREATURES BY LIVING. YOU REALLY SHOULD KILL YOURSELF TO STOP ALL THE MURDER.
02.05.09 at 9:54 am
Sorry but I’m not buying thats not BN I call bullshit
02.05.09 at 9:55 am
hey shitcock, check the latest article’s thread…
02.05.09 at 9:56 am
no, you ARE called ‘bullshit’
02.05.09 at 9:57 am
“d) No it’s not, you have cancer.”
Godspeed, sir…Godspeed.
02.05.09 at 10:04 am
damn blognigger, you came back faster than a 20-year old that moved to brooklyn from Kansas. Good shit though. When I was little I’d pee out of both sides after I went swimming. it isn’t always a post-ejaculatory situation.
02.05.09 at 11:26 am
this made my day. praise ja
02.05.09 at 12:15 pm
Great story but it needs more naked Muslim women with tit-holes cut out of their Darth Vader capes.
02.05.09 at 1:01 pm
after you bust off have you ever pissed and had it shoot up, like almost straight up? i have, in a stange new chicks bathroom, on my fucking shirt… not good man…not good at all….
02.05.09 at 1:08 pm
i’m a 12 yo pathetic wretch and i will kill myself if blognigger stops writing. for reals yo.
02.05.09 at 2:01 pm
Now dont call me a literary critic or a film buff, but this story severly lacked in the fucking each other phenomenon, which is incredibly interesting; and the whole pissing out two sides of your dick is not worth a paragraph or even comment revelations: its been a well known fact in the public lexicon since at least 2000’s Me, Myself and Irene. The scene in the train car was put there to illicit laughs because everyone KNOWS why you pee out two sides.
Now tell me Blognigger is better than the Farrelly brothers.
02.05.09 at 2:19 pm
ah ok not on the train, but at least i found it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtQ0qvNBftw&feature=related
02.05.09 at 2:24 pm
As your pal once said to me, “You will never” write a book. Now FUCK OFF! My book is almost done…motherfucker! I don’t have time for this shit…yo! BITCHES! I gotta go send a box ‘o chocolates to my agent! That fucking pig! You’ll see. I’m going to be famous. You’ll wish you had been nice to me then! FAMOUS! I’m fucking outta here man.
02.05.09 at 3:11 pm
We gayed all the time when I went to camp. I’m grateful; got it out of my system early. But, hoo-baby, the gayosity was beyond gayness. After morning reach-arounds, we spent 20 minutes doing the interconnected bunny-hop, then took a break to mop up and have breakfast. Counselors? Shit. Those guys were the squad leaders; they took a role similar to the “caller” in a square dance, except with bullhorns. They were also responsible for running the video cameras. Midmorning activities, after breakfast, included jerkoff racing (photo finishes were common), Scrambled Bananas, Dick in a Blanket, Ring around the Rosebud, Insert in the Dirt, and Over-the-Cliff (Fat Andy was always the counterweight in that one). More mopping, scraping and showers were followed by lunch. Then an hour of arts and crafts: Condom repair and reuse 101, and that great knitting class where we made those little dick-socks that some African tribes wear. Afternoons were when we really kicked in to high gear. I don’t remember much; typically, I would pass out as I was a skinny kid with little endurance. Double pissing? That’s for amateurs. Try double SHITTING.
Yeah. I miss Camp Fudgepacker.
02.05.09 at 5:27 pm
you know what we should organise here? a street carnage royal rumble where everybody who’s got beef can just fight each other, then we can get it all over and done with and get back to posting comments.
i bet you would get coverage on fox news for that stunt.
vane&&a: i bet you a thousand dollars i get more writing props than you (ps: in real life!)
02.05.09 at 6:47 pm
anyone complaining about BN’s return should stop being such a sniveling little cunt
02.05.09 at 6:59 pm
Getting your cock stroked by your gay MFA creative writing prof does not count as real world writing props. It counts as charity, yes, but props? Hell NO.
02.05.09 at 7:52 pm
Are you really a nighger? Naw, you just right like a white man.
02.05.09 at 9:53 pm
vane##a: sorry shawty… no writing education for me, ever. dropped out of school to get arrested 100,000 times, no school affiliation, no writers groups, no charity, no circle jerking, no writer friends, no publisher friends, no blog friends, no internet fame no nothing.
just me
working my ass off at a day job
and getting published.
in the real world, not on the internet, so suck my motherfucking dick / vagina. because i am a woman, like you. and im fat.
i cant WAIT to read your ‘writing’. you’ve talked it up so much it’l have to be FUCKING AMAZING otherwise you are gonna look like such a fucking douche.
good luck buddy!!
x
02.05.09 at 11:14 pm
This post is about blognigger not me. P.S. I am now more famous than Vane$$a. And all you dudes who are using my name, your just that much more angry because you’re the ones who feel the most guilty about eating animals. You’re on the fence the most so you have to lash out at me so that you can continue your behavior.
P.S. Vane$$a, no one is going to buy your book. You’re a bad person. And I say that in a nice, loving way
02.06.09 at 5:13 am
no one can really be as gay as me. that’s my signature.
02.06.09 at 6:00 am
oh btw, one great day of july, I killed a cute kitty with right foot. and it felt alright. I felt so alive!
02.06.09 at 6:01 am
Why do people hate me so? Don’t they realize it’s hard being the Internet’s Rupert Pupkin?
02.06.09 at 6:24 am
Why do niggers hate me so? Don’t they realize it’s hard being the realspace_equiv# Vane$$a?
02.06.09 at 6:48 am
I haven’t seen it for a long time, but didn’t Rupert Pupkin have his own show at the end of that movie?
02.06.09 at 8:40 am
I was expecting 10 kittens in that link for a)
02.06.09 at 2:48 pm
The end of “King of Comedy” was purposely unclear, but it seemed more likely that Rupert’s “show” was only in his head.
So, yeah, apt metaphor.
02.06.09 at 6:32 pm
did you read what I said about you on the last post of the Sid Vicious thread?
02.06.09 at 7:32 pm
you sound different.
02.06.09 at 11:35 pm
This is great!!!! Reminds me of my seldom talked about youth at camp. I had such poor social skills in those camp days, i think i was the only one who never made out with anyone. Anyway, it was fun to read
02.07.09 at 7:07 pm