One of the hardest parts of being a Canadian immigrant is trying to explain who Nash the Slash is (yes that’s CNN’s John Roberts back when he was “JD” and yes he’s gay). You see, in Canada the government insists all radio stations play a minimum of 35 percent Canadian content. That means, if you’re doing a hardcore show (as I did), you have to play DOA, SNFU and No Means No about a dozen times a show.
It also means, when you’re visiting your parents and your American wife is in the car, she says, “What the fuck is this?” when Parachute Club comes on chanting “Rise Up” for the 20th time. I still can’t believe I was surprised she hadn’t heard of them. Look at their fucking faces. Of COURSE she hadn’t heard of them. Listen to that fucking song. Would this band have made ten cents if the government didn’t force people to like them? Look at that guy in the pork pie hat. He’s not even a gender.
The CanCon law exists because “otherwise there’d be no Canadian music.” This is the kind of sentence that sounds so reasonable it never meets the word “why?” At Sundance we were told by kiwis they needed all their film grants because, “Otherwise there’d be no New Zealand films.” Grant-getters dominated the festival by the way, and their films were easy to spot. They had tons of really long slowmo shots and you got to see close ups of a kid’s shoe pushing forward on his bike pedal for at least ten minutes. They had all those extra shots because they could afford it. And their movies sucked. Why would New Zealand films and Canadian pop songs die if they didn’t have grants? I have no idea. Do American films get grants? Are guitars cheaper in America? Canadians have become so entitled actors often hold protests and whine about how hard it is for them to get work. This is a country where the government will match dollar-for-dollar any TV or film shoot that’s done on Canadian soil! Who are they protesting, earth?
Canadian Musician Affirmative Action may get Platinum Blonde on the radio every day and it may enable the CBC to talk to me about hipsters for hours at a time (just did that which is why I can’t stop talking about it) but have you ever tried to google Toronto’s “Girl’s Night Out”? It doesn’t exist. None of these bands do in the real world. The only Candian bands anyone outside of Canada has heard of are the ones that are actually good like the Forgotten Rebels or Les Cowboys Fringants.
So, I want you to know. If you work at the CBC or you’re in a band that’s only big in Canada you may think you’re employed but to the rest of the world you’re just another mooch on welfare.
Tune into Current tomorrow to hear me talk about hipsters – again.
UPDATE: CBC may not be running the interview after all because I was rude. Stay tuned.
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100% true. In BC, something call the BC Artist’s Council or something like that has put out a ton of ads criticizing the provincial government for cutting arts funding, always with some sad-looking middle-aged guy and the subtitle “Artists Have Families Too”. It makes me rage pretty hard when those assholes feel entitled to my money just because they don’t want to work a normal job.
Equally annoying is the “We’ll be overrun by American culture if we don’t pay for all this art!” argument. I’m not sure what the difference would be since nobody watches the shit on CBC anyway (and everyone knows that we only watch the other Canadian channels when they’re showing Americna content).
06.02.09 at 12:20 pm
I have a radio show here in Canada and just did a rant about this. Why should I play music by some half assed wannabe Arcade Fire who are only getting the slot because they are Canadian not because they’re great. So an American group gets no play. Government promoted payola. Shouldn’t the best band win? It’s like your parents telling you to not play some sport so well because your weak cousin Nevan is going to cry – so Nevan wins smugly, your parents don’t feel guilty, and a little part of you dies because a loser like Nevan can keep being below average and still get ahead. Fuck this Canadian paranoia about being swallowed by America, be better and you won’t have to worry about it. 15% max, 35 is jut Nevanly.
06.02.09 at 12:21 pm
brilliant!
the cbc must stop, cancon must stop, artist grants must stop.
but, canada is a socialist society, where most citizens satiate white guilt with handouts.
also, everyone in canada either feels they are owed, or is a taker.
ps- @zaxxon: arcade fire are half assed wannabes.
06.02.09 at 12:32 pm
I have a buddy who works for CBC Radio 3 and only got his job because his parents work there. He gets paid to do PODCASTS on my fucking dime and makes piles of money…. All the fucker does is twitter all day and act important. It’s fucking pathetic… it’s hipster welfare.
06.02.09 at 12:33 pm
i saw nash the slash once at wavelength when i was a stupid 19 year old and i felt extremely uncomfortable but i “got” “it”.
06.02.09 at 12:46 pm
He wants to eat her body just like a plate of fries
And suck out all the gravy that seeps into her thighs
He says he “loves” that girl and he thinks that it’s true
Cos every time she speaks to him, he cums into his soup
06.02.09 at 12:53 pm
The Tea Party…
06.02.09 at 12:58 pm
Play your own fucking tracks.
Play your friends’ bands.
Cancon supported – Caribou / Manitoba this means you.
Metric though, thank you Emily you save us every show.
Rise Up is a Gay anthem and it is gay gay gay.
.
On the other hand why would you allow radio stations to play endless streams of Bon Jovi and Phil Collins?
.
All commercial radio is complete shit so why not show our turds as well.
06.02.09 at 1:15 pm
WELL I GUESS I’M SORRY TO ARE CANADIAN NEIGHBOR’S BUT GUESS WHAT AMERICA HAS GOT IT’S SHIT TOGETHER WHEN IT COMES TO SPENDING IT’S TAX MONEY, SO I AM REALLY NOT SUPRISED THAT SO MANY CANDIAN’S ARE LIKE GAVIN MACINES COMING DOWN HERE TO SEE HOW GOVERMENT REALLY WORKS.
WELL DEAR DEPARDED JESSIE HELMES TOOK THAT ROBERT MAPLETHORN ‘URINE JESUS’ PAINTING AND STUCK IT UP THE NATIONAL ARTS FUND’S ASS JUST LIKE MAPLETHORN WANTED! LOL!!!
06.02.09 at 1:18 pm
Bison BC is good
06.02.09 at 1:37 pm
Man that all caps guy really knows how to kill a conversation.
I’ve never understood why the arts gets grants. It’s not food or shelter. Why do we “need” it? Aren’t artists supposed to be starving? If you choose a weird profession like making songs or movies or sculptures, it’s going to be a bit of a slog. That’s life. If you’re good you’ll eventually do well. This is not my problem and you don’t deserve any of my money to make it easier.
06.02.09 at 1:45 pm
Dear Canada,
80% of your economy is reliant on American business. Stop bitching about the hand that feeds you.
Sincerely,
US
06.02.09 at 1:46 pm
The whole welfare grant system BLOWS. Artists of all kinds depend on this funding and often its those that dont deserve it who get funded. Its the “emperor’s new clothes” situation around here. Any idiot with a huge fan base in french Quebec can get thousands of dollards to produce a shitty project in this country. Canadian culturists better get off thier lazy asses and start doing some of the work on thier own and funding themselves – feeling entitled to grants just because and especially if your work sucks is fucking everything up.
06.02.09 at 2:18 pm
Was there anything in American that was like this? Luckily I spent the late Eighties on acid and not in the real world.
06.02.09 at 2:22 pm
Ugh, Gavin, don’t worry about it – Anna Maria Tremonti is a fucking dicklick anyways. The Current is retarded (literally. It has Downs)
06.02.09 at 2:58 pm
When you have experienced a few hundred thousand fags on church street rubbing their hot nakedness against each other during the pride parade to the beat of rise-up—–then you are truly a Canadian cock sucker.
06.02.09 at 3:18 pm
‘Rise Up’ is really one hell of a shit pile.
06.02.09 at 3:18 pm
Why you gotta go and be rude??? Oh, that’s right…Because you’re an asshole.
06.02.09 at 3:20 pm
Grants fund scientists.
And they freaking cured polio and invented nuclear power and made drugs that let you live with Aids for a hundred years.
Every major scientist in the last 70 years has had grants including Einstein..
Why do scientists make that shit work and artists don’t?
06.02.09 at 3:52 pm
wow. 35%? just, wow.
06.02.09 at 4:14 pm
Do you have to be Canadian to get on that kind of band welfare or can I just hop the fence like a Mexican?
06.02.09 at 4:17 pm
I seem to remember Tragically Hip being good once, but that might be because they were singing about an American City (i.e. New Orleans. Sinking).
06.02.09 at 4:22 pm
Not to mention, since Americans will probably never hear (catch) them, Canadian bands like ‘holy fuck(ed up)’ and ‘japan(ther)droid’ can completely bite the name and sound of a US band that Canadians will never hear because they fall outside the 65% of non-Canadian music we are allowed to listen to…
06.02.09 at 4:52 pm
As an American, all I got out of this piece was a reminder that Nash The Slash is pretty awesome, and that is good enough for me.
06.02.09 at 6:04 pm
I think they’re funding these assholes because canada relies heavily on the arts for their “culture” and image. I mean, if you’re 100 years old you don’t have a whole lot of history and it’s probably time to start making some.
It’s stupid but I’d rather be known as a country that funds artists and musicians than a country that funds too many wars.
All of you self righteous americans need to remember how much of your tax dollars are going towards the war.
06.02.09 at 6:31 pm
god that was uncomfortable to watch.
06.02.09 at 6:51 pm
What people really want is Britney Spears, American Idol, and Tyler Perry.
All talent powerhouses.
GO FREE ENTERPRISE!
06.02.09 at 7:28 pm
Artists don’t defacto deserve success or money, period. If Van Gogh and Kafka can die in almost total obscurity, don’t think for a second you deserve any success in your lifetime or ever. Now, with that said, I think grants for artists are a very good thing. It’s usually a relatively infinitesimal amount of the government’s budget, and trust me, wherever you live, your government is spending A LOT more of your money on much more offensive shit than some guy trying to become the next PT Anderson in his backyard. And I personally welcome the metric ton of stupid fucking art that comes from these programs to get at that one great nugget that otherwise never would’ve seen the light of day.
But 35% is WAAAAY too high. 10% would be too high.
06.02.09 at 8:26 pm
Gavin, for someone who started Vice magazine on nothing but Quebec arts grants you seem to be a tad bitchy about socialism, eh? Explain that one, friend.
06.02.09 at 8:31 pm
ooo. ^ he got you with that one.
06.02.09 at 8:35 pm
The only way for an English person to get a job in Quebec is to write out a welfare application with his left hand and get on a make-work program like Images Interculturelle’s “Voice of Montreal” newspaper. The owners were scamming the gov’t and the paper was going nowhere so we left and started our own version by removing the “o” to avoid getting sued. It only started going somewhere when it was in the real world – grant free. True, I did learn the basics of publishing while on welfare but Quebec doesn’t allow for anyone to do anything else. If that’s socialism working then I don’t want to work for socialism.
06.02.09 at 9:12 pm
@ Gavin OH he Pwned you! ahahaha
06.02.09 at 9:21 pm
yo CHOM fm was awesome
06.02.09 at 9:26 pm
@ Gavin.
That was a pretty good point about the organizations defrauding the government though. I work for a medical institution and they have entire department dedicated to” improving your grant potential.”
It would seem like good ideas, good research, and good data would be enough.
It’s not about good science getting funded. It’s about who writes a better welfare application.
So yeah.
06.02.09 at 9:28 pm
thank god only Yale grad students get art shows ( and downtown millionaire kids )
06.02.09 at 9:50 pm
Ahh, the CHOM thing wasn’t me.
I’m with you on the bullshit nature of who gets arts grants – well-connected jerkoffs waste government money with boring non-art and receipts for cans of gold spraypaint. That isn’t socialism working, it’s just an effective lobby group (weaselly artists) working the system to their benefit, which doesn’t seem too different than any other non-totalitarian regime.
06.02.09 at 11:08 pm
I’m pretty sure Propaghandi would have gotten big without CanCon B.S. Our Lady Peace however….
I think grants are fine because merit will eventually come into play but playing quotas are stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid. 10% would be reasonable for mainstream radio I think.
And wow a shout out to Les Cowboys! I’ve always liked them but I always thought this would be a band that Gavin would have despised as “ponytail” shit. Seeing them in Longueil at St-Jean was epic.
06.02.09 at 11:27 pm
“In the end, the CRTC ruled to maintain the quotas for popular music at 35 percent, while increasing quotas for classical, jazz and blues.”
Fuck yeah Canadian Blues
06.02.09 at 11:28 pm
ha ha ha ha bramladesh surprise
i love all of your postings because your name is the best
06.03.09 at 12:35 am
dear US,
90% of your economy is reliant on fucking the rest of the world in the ass, no lube. so don’t be surprised when everyone thinks you’re a cunt.
sincerely,
canada, well not all of canada. a lot of us are so fucking stupid that we want to be MORE like you.
p.s. CANCON may get a lot of terrible shit played on the radio, but without it we would simply have a lot more terrible american shit on the radio, so what’s the fucking difference? only that we keep some of our entertainment $ in canada. sounds like smart business to me. GLASS TIGER!!!
06.03.09 at 12:40 am
The “35 percent Canadian content” rule is fascinating to me. It may be the weirdest pseudo-racial quota I’ve ever seen.
For a country which tends to pride itself on being so multicultural and one-worldly and anti-nationalist and immigrant-friendly, they seem a tiny bit, oh, PARANOID of others, especially the Evil Empire below them, encroaching on their (cough) “culture.”
Then again, I’d bet that when pressed about what precisely defines their culture, many Canucks could only offer a feeble, “Uh, well, we’re not America, so don’t bomb us, eh?”
06.03.09 at 4:17 am
start posting blogs, stop writing comments.
06.03.09 at 4:35 am
I will…the minute you buy my baby some diapers.
06.03.09 at 5:47 am
@just a cunt hair: My point exactly. They are half-assed wannabes, therefore…I am playing no-ass wannabes.
06.03.09 at 9:02 am
@hosers: get a grip, considering we do more trade with the home depot than that of france, we should be americans; ps- it would be awesome too!
@ Jim Goad: please write more!
@zaxxon: what kind of name is that anyway? just kidding, just kidding.
06.03.09 at 12:07 pm
The one they gave me on this page?
06.03.09 at 2:27 pm
Dear Aunt Fagnes,
without Can Content I would never have lost my virginity to Kon Kan. so let’s celebrate our difference guys!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08GG93WSN1c
ps it was very bloody anal
06.03.09 at 5:20 pm
Jim, I’ll buy your baby diapers if you post more blogs. I’m sick of reading about Women’s Fashion Magazines from New York City that were influenced by Vice and Vogue. just tell us where to paypal the funds and how many words per shitbag, and keep in mind I have a asian to feeder and your other fans have gay porno to buy to watch with their dads
06.03.09 at 5:23 pm
Pretty sure that music video just gave me AIDS.
06.03.09 at 6:12 pm
The “canadian music wouldn’t exist” without cancon is a bit flawed. It’s more like terrible canadian music wouldn’t exist without cancon. Quality canadian music isn’t even forced on radio listeners, as you pointed out. Now that the internet crosses borders and its probably time to put Cancon to rest and save us from anymore Kim Mitchells.
06.03.09 at 7:52 pm
@Dork: In the U.S.A., we had Master P’s No Limit records, which would put out close imitations of whatever was hot on labels like Death Row. It actually got some good jams out there. Not like a country with welfare for musicians, but like a country that has to have its own version of everything.
06.04.09 at 4:41 am