I fully admit to not being the most physically attractive man in the world. I’m definitely “not fugly,” but I’m sure as shit not going to get mistaken for Michelangelo’s “David” any time soon, maybe a young Al Bundy, but seriously, that’s about the best I can do in the midst of what’s actually a reasonably high self-esteem moment.
Despite my physical flaws I manage to pull a pretty high level of woman, and right now I just happen to be married to one of them. One thing I’ve come to notice over the years is that when certain dudes see a beautiful woman with me, they don’t say to themselves: “Ah shit, she’s taken, mad respect to Cyrano for the successful sale.” No, instead they say: “Oooooh, she’s lookin‘ to upgrade and I’m the man to help her do it. Let’s get it on!”
At that sad, unbelievably pathetic juncture, the guy usually gets creepy as fuck because all etiquette that he might normally use with attached women goes AWOL somewhere between the tissues and the lotion. And if it’s not between the tissues and the lotion, then Obama forbid that it’s somewhere between Gary Ridgway and that other formerly wacked-out Bundy called Ted.
What these fucking numb-nutted clueless ingrates have to understand is that A) The mirror lies, you’re no better looking than I am, and B)Those beautiful women are with me for very, very good reason. For example, I’m smart and I’m funny and I don’t smell like shit and I’m not creepy and I’m a musician and I have good manners and a nice dick, etc. etc. In other words, I’m not you. I’ve spent time and labor compensating for my ugly.
Since I’ve basically seen it all from the likes of so many of you sad fucking losers, I’ve compiled a short yet far from comprehensive list of some crucial insight you should heed when dealing with attached women, especially mine. Here it is:
-Never, ever underestimate the power of humor, something which you probably possess absolutely none of in any lasting way. Sure, you might be able to pull the occasional well-rehearsed one-liner around the water cooler, but like most, once you spend quality time with someone your abilities with wit and humor are quickly exposed as shallow. After all, if you were funny, you wouldn’t have to chase my woman. STUDIES HAVE PROVEN that men who can make women laugh their asses off can also get them to drop their drawers and keep them dropping their drawers. You’re not going to get my woman to get shady with you behind my back because of your absolutely ridiculous attempts at humor. You don’t have it and you likely never will. Move on. You’re out of your league. Of course, you’re probably reading this and whining to yourself: “He’s not that funny.” Maybe this is true, but whether they’re laughing at me or with me, I still have the ability to make women laugh when all you can do is make them want to hide.
-Get a life for yourself. My wife has one and so do I. Until you get a life, you’re nothing more than an uber-sad, real life version of Michael Scott, wondering why no one wants to hang out with you when the end of work whistle blows. Go find someone else who also doesn’t have a life and take two nothings and try to make a something. Quit expecting my wife to fill a void for you. It’s never going to happen, you fucking bore.
-Unless you’re flaming gay, a member of the family, or someone I know and like, never, ever I.M. or text or call my wife at any time on weekends or for any reason at any time beyond absolutely necessary business. Last weekend some dude I don’t know IM’d my wife at 11 o’clock on Saturday night as she innocently checked her e-mail before going to bed with me. I guess he felt entitled because he briefly worked with her a few months ago. “Hey, what’s up?” he brightly inquired. What the fuck is she supposed to say? Does she really need to tell you that simply checking her e-mail in the midst of the weekend does not mean that she’s going to dump me and spend time with you? Step outside of yourself and take note of the creepy in your actions. I don’t care if everyone’s networking and staying connected. If you IM my wife on a Saturday night for no reason, you might as well be calling her on a Saturday night for no reason. That makes you fucked up.
-Don’t mistake the kindness of my wife’s smile for anything more than just that, generic kindness. Not only does it lead to all kinds of sicko behavior, it also leads to women not being nice to cool men. They get paranoid and start thinking that if they smile at a dude, he’s going to whip his dick out and offer it to her for lunch. Dudes like me who are actually somewhat normal, we like it when women are nice to us and can usually take it for what it is. We don’t need you fucking it up with your greasy desperation. Sure, a lot of bitches like Vane$$a go overboard with the man hatred when they really only have themselves to blame for that hatred, that’s why we call them bitches, but a lot of women just want to know that they won’t be forced to permanently adopt a sexually deformed psychopath because they elicited a brief smile while saying hello.
-And no, don’t whip your dick out in front of her. Doing this doesn’t “make” a woman’s day, it ruins it. I realize that upon first reading this many will see it as a bad joke, but it’s not. It’s happened and it’s been perpetrated by otherwise “great guys,” most of whom were in fraternities at one time or another. Go figure! Once again, there’s a good reason why you’re alone and bugging MY wife. You learned how to socialize with women by watching porn. This isn’t a bad thing, but what the fuck, porn is not a place you want to go for life lessons beyond knowing where to look for the right holes.
-Here’s another sad technique culled from real life: Don’t try and convince my wife that she’s a better match for you because she’s 1/4 Ojibwa and you’ve been lying about being 1/16 Cherokee since you were in college. She’s mostly white and kind of conservative while sure as shit never allowing ethnicity or political correctness to dictate her life. Nothing will ever convince her to dump me, least of all the “it’s us against the white man” argument.
-Because a woman is beautiful and she makes you hard, that does not mean she reciprocates. You get hard because she’s beautiful, not because she’s deliberately sending you boner vibrations on the ESP highway. Think about it. Most people are way too busy and lazy to ever lead the double lives that are necessary for your jerk-off fantasies to come true. That’s why we call them “fantasies.”
-Remember that my wife and I got married for a good reason. We love each other. Our marriage is allegedly sacred and we don’t want you pissing all over it with your miserable intentions, and I’m pretty sure that our future children feel the same way. Is that so much to ask?
I could go on and on with this shit but I want to keep the length at two dumps max. You guys read this shit while you’re taking shits, right? I know I do.
-Joey Odessa
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I think someone is worried his wife is fucking around behind his back. She probably is.
06.05.09 at 11:56 am
if i was your wife, i would divorce you immediately, you paranoid, suffocating man.
06.05.09 at 12:00 pm
‘I have… …a nice dick… …I’ve spent time and labor compensating for my ugly.’
Since you’re the expert and I’m hung like a tack, what kind of exercises can I do to fix my said problem?
06.05.09 at 12:10 pm
your wife who is getting random IMs at midnight on saturday is blowing every dick in town. sux to be you.
06.05.09 at 12:16 pm
vane$$sa is a man
06.05.09 at 12:39 pm
this is agonizing to read. I don’t know ANY women who would drop panties after reading this. it’s saying the opposite of everything it’s trying to say: it’s desperate, unfunny and creepy.
06.05.09 at 12:44 pm
hahahahaha! i read this and thought the exact same shit as all above! she’s probably that girl that does 30 guy blow scenes ‘n shit! taste the rainbow joey!
06.05.09 at 12:47 pm
I sure hope this subdued your self-doubt, Odessa. I’ve got a feeling that your circle of friends fall within the waistline.
06.05.09 at 12:49 pm
cock thirsty
06.05.09 at 12:57 pm
with a dude as boring, jealous and paranoid as you those blunt “hey lets fuck” pick up lines are gonna work on her. She’s gonna yawn herself to death.
06.05.09 at 12:59 pm
So… that was half of a ‘do’s and don’ts’ list?
Thanks for the advice.
Next time I see your wife in a bar, I will make sure NOT to do any of the above, and just stick to my usual routine of being, ugly, hilarious and having a really nice dick.
06.05.09 at 1:25 pm
“…and have a really nice dick.”
AAAAAAHAHAHAHA. sure you do.
06.05.09 at 1:40 pm
why is it always so gay for a dude to be into who he’s with?
every1 is mizerable
06.05.09 at 1:51 pm
Yeah, I thought it was good too. It was funny and honest. The only people getting offended by this article are the creeps who are lonely texting guys wives at 12am.
06.05.09 at 2:03 pm
Gavin, I love you but you’re old and pathetic.
06.05.09 at 2:04 pm
ps- joey, you already admitted you’re not funny (both here http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/blog/a-letter-to-my-two-year-old-daughter/ and above).
pps- i’m funny, me: “knock knock”, you: “who’s there?”, me: “excuse me, your wife wants me to fuck her again.”
06.05.09 at 2:13 pm
This was obviously written simply to generate comments, what a waste of time, i am an idiot for reading it/posting on it
06.05.09 at 2:50 pm
I’m not questioning the man’s humor or capability. Fool just reads like a narcissist with his dick in hand.
06.05.09 at 2:51 pm
This guy is fucking pathetic. Seriously, you have to be an incredibly insecure person to take the time to write a piece of shit like this. Just imagine how many hours he spent thinking about this, writing it, then editing it. I’m really curious to see what his wife would think if she read this.
06.05.09 at 2:52 pm
Was thinking the same thing. In this one http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/blog/someone-needs-to-tell-my-vacuum-cleaner-to-chill-the-fuck-out/ is says “Take your sunglasses off and stop trying to fuck my wife.” Strange?!
06.05.09 at 3:22 pm
I liked the phrase ‘boner vibrations on the ESP highway’, but the rest of this is just sad. Who are these people you hang out with who whip their dicks out in front of your wife? You need a friends makeover.
06.05.09 at 3:55 pm
your keeping your wife relies on this dick, pics or didnt happen
06.05.09 at 5:03 pm
Did I mention I was married?
06.05.09 at 5:24 pm
I’m fucking your wife.
06.05.09 at 6:00 pm
This just proves that you’re never too old to be a cuckold!
Not bad, eh? I just made that up.
06.05.09 at 6:25 pm
too long; get lost
06.05.09 at 6:31 pm
The young Al Bundy scored four touchdowns in the city championship, so I guess what you’re saying is you look like a pretty cool dude.
06.05.09 at 7:16 pm
Is this the same dude who wrote about the hockey team fucking his wife? Those is some mad cuckold issues, son.
06.05.09 at 10:51 pm
You Guys are retarded. I’m not a husband or married to a Wife or a guy but the female side of this is So true. Men who are awkward around women/girls that are not Dicks are basically from Alberta (ew). My life is pretty rockin and my time is valuable so you are Not allowed to rely on me for something to do thurs-fri-sat. total sense.
06.05.09 at 11:35 pm
If you were going for creepy and paranoid and insecure, then bravo.
Otherwise, you are an astounding failure of a man.
06.06.09 at 12:30 am
your wife must have some bomb pussy they way you guard that shit. she must also be easy to sway
06.06.09 at 12:33 am
Vane$$a could write under a hundred pseudonyms, and the consensus every time would be that he can’t write.
06.06.09 at 5:13 am
Some sensible advice in points 1 and 8. Otherwise it seems like a bunch of filler. Maybe at number 9 – get a rad haircut. from what i know a dude only has his humor and his haircut, other than that men are all interchangeable.
06.06.09 at 5:58 am
“this is agonizing to read. I don’t know ANY women who would drop panties after reading this. it’s saying the opposite of everything it’s trying to say: it’s desperate, unfunny and creepy.”
The most agonising thing for me is that he’s probably right. Girls go crazy for shallow, narcissistic wank-stains like the prick who wrote this article.
06.06.09 at 11:26 am
“eat your own crap do you.” yoda
06.06.09 at 1:32 pm
for a hilarious sex comedian you sure come off as jealous and tense. good luck with the self loathing, that should help your failing marriage.
06.06.09 at 4:00 pm
I don’t even know where to start with this. I guess the first thing is that shallow, narcissistic people seem to never know how ridiculous they come off, or how the rest of us can read their intent. The way they try to come off is rarely successful — they just look like someone whose trying too hard to come off a certain way. It’s one thing to be talking to people and not realize how you’re coming off, but to type something out and have the opportunity to read it back and think about how it will be received on the internet, and then to post this anyway, takes a total lack of self-awareness.
Then there’s the obvious idea that the wife is a trophy, one that he just happens to be with now, refers to ‘these women i’m with’ of which his wife is but one in a series, and in the present tense as though there will be more women in the future.
But this a prize woman that he thinks everyone else is coveting. To act like you have to know and approve of the men that are to have any casual contact with your wife is super narcissistic and selfish. There’s also the narcissistic assumption that all other guys think like he does and have the same motivations. A normal guy can have a craving to be validated as a man by an attractive woman and not actually be trying to hook up with that woman.
Usually content on this blog is in that in-on-the-joke un-PC tone that’s socially aware, in the way that Picasso had to learn the rules in order to know where to break them. Does that make sense? It’s like a cool guy playfully acting like an asshole. This post reads as precisely the opposite: an inept asshole trying to come off as cool.
06.06.09 at 5:32 pm
I was worried ‘too long’ wouldn’t be here when I was reading the comments so when I saw him I was relieved.
06.06.09 at 5:41 pm
but do you think its okay for me to try and get another guys girlfriend?
06.06.09 at 8:45 pm
A million run-on sentences, with or without appropriate comma use, does not constitute good writing.
06.07.09 at 12:21 am
You sound like a pussy with a really great dick.
06.07.09 at 1:06 am
why is this important?
06.07.09 at 10:10 am
methinks you need to work on those self-esteem issues, buddy.
06.07.09 at 10:20 am
“STUDIES HAVE PROVEN that men who can make women laugh their asses off can also get them to drop their drawers and keep them dropping their drawers. You’re not going to get my woman to get shady with you behind my back because of your absolutely ridiculous attempts at humor.”
that sounds to me like of those things that ugly pathetic people who think they’re funny say.
06.07.09 at 12:25 pm
“…you’ve been lying about being 1/16 Cherokee since you were in college.”
Oh shit! He got me! I’ve been lying about being Cherokee for years trying to get that coveted Ojibwa pussy. Clearly I’ve met my match.
06.07.09 at 3:38 pm
i used to be with this dude for 4 yrs, and his “friends” would try to fuck with me, and when i would tell him he wouldnt believe me , he then dumped me to hang out more with his friends… i later thought he was gay..but the truth is he had issues about not having a male role model in his life so he would seek acceptance from other males..what a queer.
06.07.09 at 4:23 pm
He is right about one thing. Motherfucker is serious ugly.
06.07.09 at 11:19 pm
Stop lying about being Cherokees in your colleges you sons of bitches.
06.08.09 at 8:35 am
what in the fuck KANYE…WHAT IN THE FUCKKK
06.08.09 at 9:28 am
i think this is gavin
12.13.09 at 6:09 pm