A guy I know recently spent a weekend at the Hillside Campgrounds. He described it as “the type of campsite that neither your mother nor Jesus ever wanted you to attend. They play Cher and Donna Summers on loop and are really big into rape drugs.”

He made it sound so appealing, I printed out the brochure. There are only two requirements to enter: You have to be over 21 and male. I didn’t think that they’d let me half-ass it and come in with a vag, so I lived it vicariously and enviously through my friend. I was already expecting stories of disco and strobe lights highlighting old men in ass-less chaps gyrating around the bonfire, but the tidbit about the convenient placement of the urinal line right next to the orgy tent came as a surprise.

He visited Hillside during perfect leather weather on Leather/Levi Weekend on September 11th and although he didn’t report back on any spectacular jean wear, I got a little jealous about his sudden admiration of harnesses. Of course, none of this is mentioned in their brochure, which holds only veiled facts and suggestive wordplay. Some of my favorites, which I won’t get to experience, are the stage on show nights which “is spotlighted to showcase the ‘hidden talents’ of campers” and the “safe and secure 45-acre ‘play area,’ isolated from the outside world.” Their advice to first time campers also reads like an orthodox Christian Camp checklist. Except for the swimsuit, which should only be on your list “if you’re modest.”

Anyway, this upcoming weekend (Sept 25th and 26th) is the Tea Dance Party Weekend!!1!1!!!11! Complete with an exotic underwear theme to honor the last days of camp before winter sets in and we all have to hibernate and settle down with space heaters. SO LET IT HAPPEN because the lesbians can’t. Don’t you know? They’re settlers.

-KSENIA

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