I’m not a huge fan of business trips now that I no longer do coke or fuck whores, but I especially hate having to wait in airports with project-managing assfuckers who won’t just let you relax and surf the Internet in peace.
“WELL DID YOU SEE THAT BALLMER SAYS THAT WINDOWS 7 is going to blah blah blah small penis can I tell my mom you’re my black friend?”
“Did he? Haha. He’s nuts, that guy.”
While we were sitting at the gate though, the gods of airport entertainment took pity on me and decided to provide something interesting: The overhead TVs were playing news coverage about the pilots who overflew their Minnesota destination by an hour and twenty minutes.
First of all, I deeply enjoy the meta-ness of watching shit about airplanes while I’m on airplanes. In the 80s and 90s, it always used to bug me that no airline would ever show Airplane as their in-flight movie. It’s like, they didn’t want to provoke panic by drawing attention to all the things that could go wrong in the air — even as a joke.
But now with the internecks and omnipresent reality-media dominating the airwaves — not to mention niggas on JetBlue watching themselves in a landing-gear crisis real-time on their seatback TVs — the airlines have obviously just said fuck it: The News is the News, let’s just make everything available uncensored on the plane and at the gate.
Anyway: We were watching a news report about these pilots, and it quickly became apparent that this was one of those issues in which ANYONE’s opinions and conjectures are fascinating. (Other examples of this phenomenon include where-were-you-on-9/11 and what-was-your-craziest-acid-trip: Both are topics that entertain me greatly, regardless of whether they’re being discussed by Retards or Kings.)
“WELL WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SUPPOSE HAPPENED TO THESE GUYS?” said my companion with a nod toward the pilots.
“You know, it’s intriguing as shit,” I told my good buddy, “for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it might be. The only thing I’m positive about is that they’re lying — there’s no way they were having a fuckin ARGUMENT so profound that they couldn’t answer their cellphones. And who the fuck argues about COMPANY POLICY? What are they, boy scouts? … I guess they might have fallen asleep … but BOTH of them?”
It really was a cool little mystery — not a bad way to spend the layover.
“I guess the obvious thing would be SEX, but they said the flight attendants were locked ou–”
Holy shit — oh NO — it hit me like a tonne of pricks: They were interviewing the co-pilot up on the screen, and doggone if he didn’t look a little bit fruity. That’s when it hit me: IF these guys had been having gay sex up there in that cockpit, they were about to single-handedly destroy the progress the gay rights movement had made over the last 50 years.
As a gay-marriage supporter and general fag well-wisher, I was deeply concerned: With gays already viewed as sex-starved sodomites who couldn’t keep their pants on, an incident of this magnitude could ruin everything.
“Yep, lookit the queers, Martha,” the rednecks would say, “can’t even pay attention to the road without suckin each others’ dicks. Welp, this country’s gone to hell — pass me the blueprints for that federal building — it’s down there by the molasses and the C4″
A scandal like this would effectively make these pilots the gay Bernie Madoffs, giving bigots all the ammunition they needed to secretly justify their hateful suspicions about the entire Gay / Jewish race.
—
On the flight home, I was relieved to hear that instead of Queer Shenanigans, the pilots were merely doing what everyone else in America does instead of paying attention to their jobs, to the road, and to their children: They were surfing the motherfucking internet.
If you work in an office in corporate America, you categorically cannot deny that you are dicking around on the internet ALL FUCKING DAY. For example: What should you be doing right NOW? I’m not your boss, so you can just cut the shit about needing research access and admit that your ass is on fuckin facebox and the intertweets for HALF THE DAY AT LEAST.
Has American productivity been DESTROYED by Internet access at work? Should we panic? Meh, it’s actually not that big of a fuckin deal:
A) Workers are happier which is good for organizations in the long run
B) People would spend their time fuckin around with something all day, even if they didn’t have the Internet. Before computers, there was just more watercooler talk, people paying bills, reading Stephen King novels, and other shit that should get you fired.
(If you want work done on time, you have to have short deadlines and checkpoints and fear of punishment — that’s the only thing that gets shit delivered, Internet or not.)
HOWEVER, where Internetting IS a massive fucking death-pandemic is in the OPERATION OF MOTOR VEHICLES. The situation is so serious, as evidenced by these pilots — the proto-BERNIE MADOFFS of Mobile Computing — that something must and will be done.
We are in a time right now like when Ecstasy or LSD was still legal — the Parents Association just hasn’t cracked down yet — but we see the dangers and we need to and we WILL. Mobile devices kill more people than those drugs EVER did:
You think drunk drivers are bad??
Actually, I always felt that driving SLIGHTLY buzzed or high made you a better driver because you were so goddamn nervous you were going to crash into something or get pulled over that you fucking paid MAXIMUM attention. An imperceptible lack of physical control is not what causes accidents — What REALLY causes most accidents is that driving is so fuckin easy that you think you can do it blindfolded, so you start dickin around with REO speedwagon 8 track tapes and adjusting the Treble and Fader and shit and BAM — Albert Brooks, kid.
There IS no social solution — driving is too easy to convince people that they can’t tweet while doing it.
So what can we do? We have to FORCE people to obey:
We NEED to develop kryptonite-style material that laces a steering wheel — or laces an entire plane cockpit — so that pilots and drivers cannot tweet or text while at the throttle. It needs to be the law that all motor vehicles are equipped with kryponite-type material that renders 3g and wireless Internet access NULL AND / OR VOID; we NEED these kryptonite laws fast if we’re going to prevent another 9/11 or a Madoff.
If we don’t do anything, the NEXT Bernie Madoff is going to be the nigga who crashes into the new World Trade Center or Yankee Stadium or some shit, and kills 50,000 people because they were on the fucking facebox.
I’m always right about shit like this, so take my word for it and ENACT THE KRYPTONITE LAWS NOW while there’s still time.
Tweet your Senator and demand that they vote YES on KRYPTONITE LAWS
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STREET BONER 1288
Every time I’m about to give sandals a pass, I imagine Chucks on her and my dick becomes a pegacorn.
Bad Behavior has blocked 3609 access attempts in the last 7 days.
First
10.28.09 at 12:18 pm
My best friend was in a car accident while on twitter. the best part is that the tweet did end up getting sent – it didn’t have the requisite asodoisadfoilaf90uyt4902uq47 stuff that people type when they are faking it. just an extra -a- or something.
he was ok, or it wouldn’t have been funny despite what you think.
10.28.09 at 12:25 pm
“Actually, I always felt that driving SLIGHTLY buzzed or high made you a better driver because you were so goddamn nervous you were going to crash into something or get pulled over that you fucking paid MAXIMUM attention.”
AGREED.
10.28.09 at 12:26 pm
First!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10.28.09 at 12:32 pm
Kryptonite laws now. If you tweet while you drive you should be put to death
10.28.09 at 12:42 pm
Extra points for the Defending Your Life reference.
Also, speaking of D while UI, riding a motorcycle while ’shrooming makes it practically impossible to fall off the bike, as your center of gravity shifts to 3 feet below the road surface and the wheels suddenly seem to be magnetically attached to the earth. I guess driving might be similar, but the balance thing is not nearly as important. Just as a point of comparison.
10.28.09 at 12:51 pm
Was in a plane once where the pilot did the tour guide thing and came on the radio with a “For those passengers on the left side of the plane, if you look down you can see where the WTC formerly stood.” I was dumbstruck but no one on the plane took offense, instead taking the moment to ooh and aah and snap some pics. I was waiting for the follow-up announcement that we were going in to get a better look.
10.28.09 at 12:57 pm
We have some planes
10.28.09 at 1:00 pm
oct 27 over here talking on cell phones while driving law was enacted, same deal with texting/typing/downloading porn i imagine.
10.28.09 at 1:09 pm
cell talking while driving ban ughhhhhhh
10.28.09 at 1:11 pm
beautiful!
10.28.09 at 1:17 pm
the picture made me laugh before I started reading. well done.
10.28.09 at 1:18 pm
There won’t be another 9/11 because I’m dead.
10.28.09 at 1:27 pm
Oh, I thought the “pilots” were the terrorists who knew how to fly into shit but not take off or land because that’s all they studied in piloting school but chickened out at the last minute because Dick Cheney was gonna shot them down over Pennsylvania and so they decided to try to quickly figure out how to land a motherfucking plane but overshot Minneapolis by about 150 miles.
From,
ty!
10.28.09 at 1:30 pm
they have paint now that blocks wireless signals, that might be your solution
10.28.09 at 1:38 pm
This was surely an inside job. It needs to be re-investigated. The government did it.
10.28.09 at 1:42 pm
For once, Blognigger, you’re actually wrong about something. Your whole argument is undermined by the fact that, while these pilots were indeed fucking around with their laptops, they were NOT on the internet. To be sure about this, I just spoke with a Northwest pilot friend who has flown that specific model of Airbus. He explains, to begin with, cockpits do not have wi-fi or any form of internet access.
What these pilots were pouring over on their laptops were the INSTRUCTIONS for scheduling. Northwest is in the middle of switching over to Delta’s distinct scheduling system (Delta and NW merged a couple years ago), and it’s allegedly very confusing. Rightfully, the FAA revoked their licenses and NW fired these guys.
While this is a prime example of people being recklessly distracted by technology, it is not an example of people being recklessly distracted by the internet.
10.28.09 at 2:01 pm
RE: Francis Basil
Just between the 2 of us, I noticed the same thing but am now too frightened to point out his errors lest he lash out at me.
10.28.09 at 2:07 pm
Wow, gay bathroom sex and gay plane sex…..I gotta move to Mpls
10.28.09 at 2:29 pm
oh shit BN, street pwn’ge…
10.28.09 at 2:40 pm
ha. and i thought i was the only that thought some cocksucking was going down in the cockpit. that is why they call it the cockpit right?
10.28.09 at 2:54 pm
Francis Basil is full of shit. I just talked to TWO nwa engineers AND a fuckin Delta mechanic, and they both said that laptops have hella wireless access up in the cockpit.
So they WERE on the fucking intertweets, PLUS this is a goddamn comedy show you stick in the muds
10.28.09 at 2:55 pm
to Cunty:
Do you really think the internet capabilities are better in the cockpit than in coach? Can you think of a way that the cockpit would get a wi-fi bubble to follow them at a cruising altitude at, what, 400 mph?
10.28.09 at 2:58 pm
Francis Basil is exactly wrong.
Training for pilot and Ground crew started THIS week. They could not have had their hands on new Delta regulation manuals. or PDF files or whatever.
Nor is it a case of tweeting while flying. I work with two Mesaba pilots and my mom works at a NWA reservation center in Chisholm. Whether or not they were banging or arguing, there’s no excuse for NO RADIO CONTACT FOR OVER AN HOUR. Both pilots were on the last leg of a 5-DAY-TRIP and I’m sure five days of flying will leave ANYone fatigued.
They weren’t porking each other, they weren’t tweeting, and they sure as fuck weren’t arguing so tirelessly as to cause them to block out radio transmissions from Minneapolis and Eau Claire tower. THEY WERE FUCKING SLEEPING.
10.28.09 at 3:02 pm
To Maxwell: if you say so.
10.28.09 at 3:05 pm
Oh shiz MAXWELL!
Ya mom works with nwa too?!?!? What she do drygoods or mailing list? Hit me back.
10.28.09 at 3:18 pm
Holy shit Easy E jr for the win…
just died laughing
10.28.09 at 3:22 pm
How many times have YOU been hurtling down the interstate and a bitchin’ tune like “Stairway to Heaven ” or “Freebird” comes on and next thing you know it’s 150 miles on down the line?
10.28.09 at 3:31 pm
I get what you’re doing with the “intertweets” and “facebox” and I chuckled heartily, sir.
10.28.09 at 3:44 pm
Yeah, it is pretty nuts that airlines back in the day would shy away from plane movies, disaster movies, anything that could cause panic.
Ah I long for the days where there was a screen and ONE MOVIE in each cabin. Cabin 1? Harry and the Hendersons! Cabin Two… Footloose! fuck mom that sucks~!!!
watchi your language you little bastard etc etc
ok but can i at least chew some juicyfruit and play my nintendo brand orange donkey kong LCD?
10.28.09 at 4:53 pm
Yawn. Someone should be writing for the AARP.
10.28.09 at 5:12 pm
Let BN alone, he make the funny-ha-ha.
10.28.09 at 5:59 pm
epic. see you next week SC
10.28.09 at 6:07 pm
IGNORENCE! ALL OF YOU AMERICA! IGNORENCE!
It seeming like you will nevver learning form me, Derrick. For saking of your “comeddy” you write so many inauthentic facts on science only to be “correct” by “comment” people from North Korrea. For instence.
You knowing nothing about aeronautic or commercal airflight proceddures.
Your pilots were not havving the homosexueal intercorses but were bored from lack of intellectuel stimulations of America so boring and void!
From Preck!
10.28.09 at 6:19 pm
Shall I be immum?
10.28.09 at 6:45 pm
on comment board, preck suck you!
10.28.09 at 7:17 pm
If you’ve ever been prescribed adderall you can never be a pilot. Never, no exceptions.
10.28.09 at 8:51 pm
I’m sorry.
10.28.09 at 9:05 pm
Hey geniuses you broke the goddamn website. The formatting is broke.
10.28.09 at 9:29 pm
first.
10.28.09 at 9:36 pm
Seriously though, why should I not be able to make an emergency phonecall from the passenger’s side of my car just because some assholes are too irresponsible not to stop texting while they drive.
Stop dumbing up the fucking laws to worry about the weak and the stupid. I’ll do what I want.
10.28.09 at 10:56 pm
I don’t get how this blogN is so far up everyone’s asses no one will acknowledge that his post is a house of cards. Rubbing noodles, sleeping, arguing, comparing schedules, whatever the fuck. they weren’t checking their altavista, that much is only certain. AEROPLANES do not have internet capabilities. Does know one but someone’s dad called Frank Basil care to acknowledge this? Does the blogN, who always prided himself on dropping knowledge to the less aware populous get pardoned because he made some funny jokes (thank you anonymouse)? Just because you hold this guy’s feet to the coals–for once!–doesn’t mean you’re linching him.
10.29.09 at 12:45 am
*testing*
10.29.09 at 2:22 am
Shit, I just read what I wrote last night.
I’m such a British faggot I don’t even have an excuse. I’m a racist piece of shit and I’m just ashamed. I know I know— it’s a humour website.
I shure picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue
10.29.09 at 7:51 am
^^^Get your own handle.
10.29.09 at 8:06 am
Disregard that- I suck cocks
10.29.09 at 8:37 am
Is it wrong that I don’t care?
10.29.09 at 1:41 pm
not quite certain how the jewish reference slipped in there…
10.29.09 at 3:50 pm
You ever fly over Minnesotas? They’s a reasons it’s called flyover country. It’s flat as fuck! Alls you can do is flyover it!
It’s like picking out which Chinese girl you’re going to fucks. It all look the sames! (Straight black hair. No ass.) You tell ME where to land!
(Note: I ain’t racists. It’s just a brilliant metaphor, fucks.)
11.04.09 at 12:33 am