Approximately one in a hundred men come out of their mother’s vaginas vowing never, to ever, do anything like THAT again. They are a special breed of human being that goes against 40,000 years of evolution and loves to dance. Here’s 5 reasons to hate them and 5 reasons to love them.
FIVE BAD THINGS ABOUT GAYS
1. They Are Time Machines That Will Swallow Your Ovaries
Fag hags be warned: Gays are fucking fun and I know you love being in an environment where nobody’s a “slut” but you can’t live like that forever. You’re not gay. Being heterosexual-free in your 20s is empowering but doing it in your 30s and 40s is downright lonely. When you start to get into your mid-to-late 20s, let some heteros into your life. Your children will thank you.
2. They Made Us Scared of AIDS
Do you have any idea what it was like being a middle-class, heterosexual, virgin, non-intravenous drug user in the suburbs 20 years ago? We were all convinced we had full blown AIDS and got tested about every 10 minutes even though the odds of us having it were about as high as Nancy Reagan. You started that whole thing because you didn’t want the stigma of having your own disease. Of course, this bullshit led to funding leaking out of the gay community and into people who didn’t need it. See what a tangled web you weave, you fucking dicks (literally)?
3. Enough With the Hair and Clothes Banter
I love gossip and self-indulgent conversation as much as the next guy but Jesus Christ can we IQ it up a bit in here? Talking about celebrities and hair and clothes and who’s fat gets real tired real fast and before you know it, you feel like you stayed in and watched TV all day even though it was sunny out. Every time I hang out with fags for more than a few hours I have to go read math textbooks all night just to get the taste out of my head.
4. They Pretend They Want to Get Married
Really? Then why are you doing it at the courthouse with matching Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses around your neck? Where’s the bridesmaids? Where was the rehearsal dinner? You don’t care about this shit, you liars. You just want to use it as a place to “showcase your lack of civil rights.” It reminds me of the time you got all ornery about not being able to fly your rainbow flag at New York’s Irish Parade. After weeks of complaining and getting press you finally admitted you could give a shit about being Irish and saw the whole thing as great publicity. How gay.
5. They’re Going to Hell
Not because they’re gay. God made them gay and if you don’t believe that, you are as dead to me as someone who believes in Astrology. No, gays are going to hell for the sin of pride. Sorry, that’s the rule.
FIVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT GAYS
1. They Will Tear Your Living Room a New Ass
“Hey breeder, why does the back of your couch face the rest of the apartment? You know what that says? It says, ‘Stay out. We don’t want you in this living room.” Then the gay will move the couch over by the window and KABOOM! The whole apartment opens up like a wet pussy. Seriously, let a gay attack your living room. He will completely revitalize it in a matter of minutes.
2. They Know How to Do Shit
Does your doorknocker look too Home Depot? No problem. Just put some patina on it, whatever the fuck that is. Not only will a gay tell you about shit like this, he will also loan you the brush and show you how to apply it.
This talent is not restricted to fey hobbies. They can also make furniture with chainsaws and build fox-proof chicken coops.
3. They Are Unflappable
Nigger ain’t shit. You can say faggot. Fuck gay marriage. AIDS is gay. Shit, piss, fucking, cunt, fart, pussy, you fuck too much, meth is killing your whole community, Christians are right about some shit (pant, pant) … Don’t try to offend a fag or you will pass out from exhaustion. This is incredibly liberating if you’re a fucking asshole who hates having to watch what he says.
4. They Know How to Party
If you want to create the perfect partier, all you have to do is make him feel like a worthless freak who doesn’t belong for the first 18 years of his life. This is called “a closet.” Then, when he finally realizes it’s not his fault he’s weird and it’s kind of neat to be unusual, he will come exploding out of that pressure cooker with a commitment to one thing and one thing only: FUN. This is not exactly a bummer to be around.
5. They Suck a Mean Cock
If you can keep a secret and not tell anyone (especially your wife), a faggot will suck your cock right off its hinges. He’ll get in there with the balls and do some swirly beat off motions with his hand and shit. It shouldn’t even be called a blowjob. It’s more like sticking your dick into a fellatio machine.
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PS: I stole that “sin of pride” joke from some dude I saw open for Louis CK at Caroline’s on April 29th, 2007. Would kill to know his name.
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fuck anita bryant is pretty much punkest song of the last millennium
11.17.09 at 12:23 pm
Quality.
11.17.09 at 12:59 pm
This is really fucking great. Thanks!
11.17.09 at 1:09 pm
“Every time I hang out with fags for more than a few hours I have to go read math textbooks all night just to get the taste out of my head.”
ANOTHER GEM.
11.17.09 at 1:30 pm
“Don’t try to offend a fag or you will pass out from exhaustion.”
No true words have been typed by a million monkeys. But if you need someone offended, your gay friends will bring a grown man to tears. Or homicide.
11.17.09 at 1:30 pm
“It’s more like sticking your dick into a fellatio machine.”
fellatio machine, oh my god, the best.
re: the aids. the blacks and certain dark-skinned latinos made me way more scared of the aids than the gays ever did. i’m still convinced most of them are carriers. my first thought is “probably hivey” just like my first though upon seeing trashy white girls is that hey have herpes and the hpv.
11.17.09 at 1:33 pm
^^^^ Well AIDS WAS invented to kill the black man.
11.17.09 at 1:45 pm
^^^and the gays, so it has been said.
11.17.09 at 1:47 pm
Evolutions been going on for a lot longer than 40,000 years. u sound like a creationist trying to compromise.
11.17.09 at 1:51 pm
Actually, Gavin’s right. The post-Neanderthal human being, the one we are today, is about 40,000 years old.
11.17.09 at 2:08 pm
Ken and GI Joe were like a gateway drug for alternative lifestyle “experimentation”.
11.17.09 at 2:14 pm
I totally had a Ken. And it’s a safe assumption that EVERYONE HAS HPV. Even you. Even me, and I’m not even a girl.
11.17.09 at 2:23 pm
^^^i’ve been tested. i don’t have it. condoms 100% of the time will do that for you. wonder of wonders.
11.17.09 at 2:37 pm
Anyone who uses the term “breeder” to refer to heterosexuals should jump off a fucking cliff
Also, the self-loathing in this piece was palpable, but good job nonetheless
11.17.09 at 2:41 pm
should we just all move over to platform?
11.17.09 at 3:34 pm
You forgot to mention the fact that guys don’t need to compete with gays to get pussy. That above all should make them beloved [nohomo] by straight men.
11.17.09 at 4:05 pm
this post is fucking sublime, platform is a faggot game.
11.17.09 at 4:44 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHZxRvCldlE THIS. the end.
11.17.09 at 5:45 pm
Actually, according to a Vice article from like three years ago or something, women prostitutes suck a meaner cock. And #1 could be counted under #2 on the same list; shit the whole list could be summarized under #2. DAC still rules tho.
11.17.09 at 5:56 pm
Ugh, are you serious about AIDS man? Straight women are the most-infected population, and guess who they’re boning? You.
Joking about AIDS is not funny and you officially lost my readership forever.
11.17.09 at 5:56 pm
I too saw Louis C.K. a couple months back and I think I remember the opening comic Ted Alexandro do that bit.
11.17.09 at 5:58 pm
The human being WE are TODAY is 40,000 years old!?!?? WHEN WERE WE BORN???
11.17.09 at 6:02 pm
too bad the gay pride=sin of pride joke was the part that made me go “henh thats pretty clever good one gav” and the rest was kind of like DUHH OBVIIII
11.17.09 at 6:09 pm
They should make a “10 Reasons” list about black people. Fuck, make a “10 Reasons” list about ALL people.
11.17.09 at 6:35 pm
BAPS- Straight Women have more AIDS than gay people? Riiiiight…..
We officially lost your readership forever? And nothing of value was lost.
11.17.09 at 6:56 pm
Remember the little beards on the GI Joes from the early days? How tactile? I got a passel of them from my uncle in about 1978, complete with a satellite dish command center truck. I didn’t even know what ‘gay’ was. I just liked how the beards were fuzzy. I am not gay. Feeling of them beards let me presage my manhood.
11.17.09 at 7:20 pm
My friend’s Barbie had a little beard on her, too. But the skirt covered it up.
11.17.09 at 7:59 pm
love this post! ya know whats weird though? you’re right about the gaymun not getting offended, but dykes? holy fuckin shit, i cant get through a 20 second conversation about where i ate for lunch without pissing one of them off royally! this is especially true of the punker and crusty dykes. really?!?! i thought half of punk rock was ABOUT being as offensive as possible. this is even true of the LUGs (lesbian until graduation) genre of lesbo. it’s like they get SUPER-zealous about PC issues cause they have somethin to prove or somethin. god i’m sick of dykes!!! i hope one of them reads this and gets so offended her clit explodes.
11.17.09 at 8:34 pm
NO ROOM — yeah, look at ANY source of HIV/AIDS statistics.
11.17.09 at 9:46 pm
yeah, lezzers are often humourless cunts but i met a couple of great ones the other day @ the black lips/deerhunter show. they swilled lots of liquor and did a few stage dives. after the show they were verbally abusing all the bar sluts on granville, “hey bitch, i can see your labia hanging out of that fuckin’ skirt!” “cover your cunt up, whore, or i’m gonna punch it!” pretty great …
11.17.09 at 9:58 pm
this is why as a straight man and choose to live with a large majority of gay men and they don’t care about clothes and I can build a better chicken coop any day but they will make it pretty
11.17.09 at 10:03 pm
Gavin, I won’t tell a soul…
11.17.09 at 10:51 pm
human beings are not descended from neanderthals. the percentage of gays in the population is more than 1 in 100. evolutionary psychologists (you know people who actually know about these things) have argued that there are evolutionary explanations of homosexuality.
this article is full of tired, unfunny cliches (and i have nothing against making fun of gays i swears). gay people like fashion and interior design and say things like “girlfriend” ha HA!
11.18.09 at 12:37 am
explanations for, not of, ahem
11.18.09 at 12:38 am
I was a C-section.
Also, a straight guy arranged my living room.
11.18.09 at 12:52 am
1) Lots of (too many) Canadians read this site.
2) Whys people getting all up in a bunch about AIDS? It’s a gay thing! About 0.2 percent of Canada’s population had HIV in 2008. It was suspected that the gay community in Toronto was ranked at anywhere from 34 – 40%, About 30% of those infected don’t even know until, surprise!!! So, they can have it. Not that I want them to, but I’ve got other shit to deal with.
11.18.09 at 4:18 am
AIDS is a government conspiracy to depopulate the earth of poor people only the freemasons have the cure. I can’t believe you didnt adress that.
Looks like you’ve officially lost my readership forever.
11.18.09 at 9:33 am
Usually i find top 10 lists to be the bad comedian’s crutch (see also cracked.com) but sometimes things surprise you.
Some recycled material (the dried up ovaries thing), but some pretty good work all around.
11.18.09 at 11:42 am
BAPS- please shut the fuck up. You ever look up statistics on the flu? The Spanish Flu killed 50—100 million people in under 2 years and that was only one pandemic.
AIDS is a joke.
OMG! AIDS has killed over 25 million people since 1981!!!!!! Cancer kills over 60 million people every year and you don’t see fags getting all touchy about that subject.
11.18.09 at 12:44 pm
its too soon for smallpox jokes also, so don’t you get any offensive ideas canajun
11.18.09 at 2:34 pm
@TurdBag
Also, Western Oligarchs actively promote homosexuality, your theory is wrong.
@!!!
Gays make up only 1% of the population and it is a birth defect not a gene expression. Gays have female brains, Dykes have male brains, homosexuality is an in uterine hormonal imbalance. Academia is full of cultural marxist fuckwits who pander to the homo agenda. I’d like to see the statistics on how many children of Vegans turn out to be gay, I’m guessing a high percentage.
08.02.10 at 6:34 am