(In front of The Scotsman headquarters in Edinburgh.)
I did it motherfuckers. I got a gig. It’s at an impossible to pronounce pub called fucking Veeurustramgrag Euch or some shit. They love their Gaelic names but it’s not exactly convenient when it comes to remembering things.
I now have about 8 hours to think of some material. While mulling it over, we went to Edinburgh to see what it’s like to be in a Scottish town that isn’t fucking filthy, flat broke, and ready to slit your face. The answer is, “Quite pleasant.” Although, I gotta say, walking through a castle with a hangover is kind of overwhelming. Like when we learn about the ruling clan who felt threatened by this new clan so they had a Black Dinner that involved being all cordial until it was time to bring out the bull’s head which means, “We’re going to cut your head off.” When you already have puke in the back of your throat this kind of talk can be quite a bring down.
(This is actually back in Glasgow on the way to Edinburgh.)
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On the way to Edinburgh castle: A Banksy parody called “Burnsy” based on Rabbie Burns.
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Also on the way to the castle: A crazy lighting exhibit thing. All the toursity shops on the main drag are run by Chinese and Seiks wearing kilts and tams.
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This is how they make tartan. It’s pretty hard to get patriotic about tartan when you realize the whole “What clan is what” thing was made up by English novelists romanticizing the North. Before the English, highlanders just wore whatever tartan was hanging around.
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OK back to Glasgow now. HEY! I got an idea for a bit. What about this? The biggest beef here in Glesca is Catholic VS. Protestant. The two main warring soccer teams are Rangers (Protestant) and Celtic (Catholic). This beef goes back generations and has involved almost daily attacks ranging from The Glasgow Smile (where they cut your face from ear to ear) to pepperoni sunglasses (where they cut off your nipples and put them on your eyes). I just made up the second one.
Anyhizzles, what about this? The Catholic VS. Protestant beef that has divided this town into two hate-filled groups, is totally valid. They SHOULD want to kill each other. Catholics believe certain people are born better than others and Protestants believe we’re all equal. It’s basically ye olde Nature VS. Nurture debate. That’s the root of all debates – even today. Yes guys. Kill each other. You’re both right.
WHY PROTESTANTS SHOULD STAB CATHOLICS
Scotland was built on working man pride. They lost thousands of lives to the abolition of the Catholic church and the resulting culture defines Scotland to this day. As Rabbie Burns says, “A man is a man and a’ that.” To pretend the Pope or some faggot Saint is better than us is to go against everything this country was built on. We don’t care if you want to come here but at least learn what made us great. We’re not here to be another fucking Ireland.
WHY CATHOLICS SHOULD STAB PROTESTANTS
Are you fucking kidding me? There would be no Scotland without Ireland. You may have had some fun battles and reckon yourselves quite the metropolis but without Irish immigration, there is no Scottish population. Besides, what makes you think there’s a difference between Scotland and Ireland? There’s been so much cross immigration back and forth for centuries, there’s no fucking difference. And, by the way, you have been shitting on the Irish and making jokes about how stupid we are for so long we could have sworn you’re a bunch of English aristocrats. Isn’t that why you hate the English? Their crass classism? Oh, and one more thing, some people are simply better than others. It’s called a high IQ or beyond normal human strength. To say we’re all born exactly the same sounds great when you’re 5 but when you grow up and actually meet more than a dozen people you go, “Oh shit. Benjamin Franklin DID invent a lot of shit. I couldn’t have done that. He’s special.”
So yes, the fundamental core of Glasgow’s civil war is totally justified and should go on indefinitely because it is the core of all fights everywhere. The left said we made the poor commit crimes. The right says they were born that way. Nature VS. Nurture. The left said gays are born that way. The right says gays became corrupted. Nurture VS. Nature. Let’s set about this argument and bleed!
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pepperoni sunglasses FTW…everything else, boring
04.08.09 at 10:17 am
pigeon toed boys wearing skirts = cute.
04.08.09 at 10:24 am
i saw the Old Firm derby @ Ibrox once. the Celtic supporters (far outnumbered) sang a song for the IRA and the Rangers supporters gave the “red hand of Ulster” salute multiple times (it looks exactly like the heil hitler one).
you make a good point McCinnes – why end such an entertaining fight.
04.08.09 at 10:30 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEhAXQ5QQzs
04.08.09 at 10:37 am
Get some sleep Gavin, you look like shite!
04.08.09 at 12:20 pm
The bhoy v hun thing is like fucking isreal/palestine. I could give a shit about the cause it’s become an awesome cycle of never ending hatred. My dad put a Celtic scarf on me the second I got home from the hospital and that’s just the way it is. I like the fucking intensity you can feel on streets of Glasgow. “Neutral” neighborhoods you fucking wear them colours and just hope some asshole wants some shit. You fucking hit up the south side for whatever reason and you tuck that shit in and zip up your jacket/hoodie cause you know it’s not worth an almost guaranteed murder. When you hit up the east side on match day buying some illegal shit at the Barras you are in a sea of green and you know that any rat bastard hun is fucking tucking their shit in if they are around and it feels great. I hate religion and could care less about Ireland but I love to sing “Go Home” about killing British soldiers. The tribalism of our fair city is the closest thing to true religious faith I will ever know. I FUCKING LOVE GLASGOW. You go to a fucking hockey game in Ottawa or Montreal and people are such pussies.
04.08.09 at 12:22 pm
is this what Gavin will look like?
http://www.joeyvan.com/files/image/through_the_years/RipTaylor.jpg
04.08.09 at 12:48 pm
Silly Canuck, if you manage to make it through this trip without getting your head kicked in it will be a miracle. Do you have some huge minder off camera all the time? There’s a lot less tolerance for ironic posturing in Glasgow than there is on Ludlow Street.
04.08.09 at 12:03 pm
On the subway ride today, all i kept thinking about were Pepperoni Sunglasses & kept laughing out loud by myself. Some people gave me the crazy eye. i think one person took out their cellphone camera & snapped a pic of my crazy ass to send Channel 9 news…
Congrats on the gig! Good luck in Scoootland yooo foookin cooont.
04.08.09 at 2:33 pm
yeah dude we saw Trainspotting.
04.08.09 at 2:39 pm
Benjamin Franklin=Vegetarian
04.08.09 at 2:42 pm
hey gavin, you are a ponce. fuck you and your remedial, reactionary bullshit.
04.08.09 at 3:17 pm
Benjamin Franklin=Corpsefucker
04.08.09 at 3:51 pm
big baby campbell: You sound so much like my idiot mate Spud it’s scary.
04.08.09 at 4:55 pm
Oh yeah, and loving the crazed “see you jimmy” tourist vibe you’ve got going on outside of Buchanan Galleries there.
04.08.09 at 5:02 pm
Catholicism makes you feel like going to church is worth it because you are lucky to be born into this. Also? Absolution. BUT don’t let it go to your head, have Orangeman grandparents and listen to them go on about the Mc’s and the Dogans
04.08.09 at 8:43 pm
I know you like to push buttons and shiite but I would leave the religion out of your bit. Me thinks it would not end well. (especially for a Canadian expat wearing a fucking plaid tam). Other than that, break a leg.
04.08.09 at 8:54 pm
fucking “pepperoni sunglasses” & this:
“some people are simply better than others. It’s called a high IQ or beyond normal human strength. To say we’re all born exactly the same sounds great when you’re 5 but when you grow up and actually meet more than a dozen people you go, “Oh shit. Benjamin Franklin DID invent a lot of shit. I couldn’t have done that. He’s special.”
my two favorites.
04.08.09 at 10:07 pm
a man walks into a martini bar. he says “i’ll have a dry martini with two nipples”. the bartender, not knowing what “two nipples” means, says “sure thing”. he walks back to meet with the other bartenders, asking them what “two nipples” is supposed to be. he returns to the man and sets his drink on the bar. the man looks down and there are two pepperonis floating atop his martini. the bartender looks at the man and says sheepishly “that’s it…right?”. the man says “yes. thank you.”
04.09.09 at 1:35 am
saw’re anae glasgow kisses thaire yet?
04.09.09 at 11:59 am
[...] ON GLASGOW HERE (Part 1), HERE (Part 2), HERE (Part 3), HERE (Part 4), and HERE (Part [...]
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