(99 Problems but a license plate ain’t one)

Wednesday night’s stand-up went well but it took too long to get the crowd warmed up. Maybe it’s because I called lice “lice” and in Scotland they call them nits. To make this final show the epic heartwarmer it was meant to be, I needed a real doozie of a zinger, something that would make the crowd roar.

Then, while shitting my guts into an ergonomic hotel toilet, it hit me. Ready?

UPDATE: (In case you can’t hear the audio) “Hello everyone. I’m from New York City. This is my first time in Scotland and I’m just catching up on the news here. I bought Hello Magazine and learned about this Jade Goody woman who recently passed away. Wow. The courage. The bravery. It’s so inspiring. I mean, to call someone a Paki like that right to their face.
I’m just kidding.
This isn’t my first time in Scotland. I’ve been coming here since I was a kid.”

(The “paki” in question. She said, “I owe my fame to Jade”)

For those of you not familiar with British tabloid culture, Goody called a woman a paki (she’s famous too now – and rich) on a reality show and then got cancer and died. She marketed the SHIT out of her disease and is still making good money well after her death. Check out the photo caption here. I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen in a magazine.

In case you’d like to buy the t-shirt of the guy who saw Jade take her last breath.

Goody was really poor and really dumb so the poor-dumb community has turned her into Lady Di and to this day they are standing by her grave with signs like, “You may not have known where East Anglia is but you sure knew the way to our hearts.”

After my set, they let a filthy homeless man on stage who rambled on in total gibberish about people who weren’t even there. He had written jokes about Boston which is called Beantown because they make coffee there so when nobody in the audience said they were from Boston he just pretended they did and went off on a non-existent Bostonite. Then he started picking people out of the audience who weren’t there so he could use his bean puns. “Look at this guy in the tracksuit. He’s a Greeen Beeean.” Nobody there was wearing a tracksuit. Glasgow loves its drunks and the guy got a much bigger applause than most.

Then some Northern English guy came up with his weird accent and did jokes that assumed we all had the same life as him. Apparently, he’s not great at calculating odds. For example, “There are four words all men dread. Guys, you know what they are and you spend all day worrying you will hear them. These four words will ruin a relationship and men, we want to avoid them at all costs. They are: ‘What Are You Thinking?’ Oh no. We can pretend we’re thinking about something she wants us to think about but the truth is there and it’s impossible to avoid. Men are constantly thinking about four things. Ladies, are you sure you want to know this? You don’t? Then don’t ask! (silence). The four things are: Battlestar Galactica, Grand Theft Auto, Football, and BIG WOBBLY BOOBIES!”

Oy vey. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of any of those things. Maybe big tits once a week or something. I still can’t stop saying “Big wobbly boobies” in a Northern accent.

(Danny posing for photo with fan)
The night’s savior and the guy who really made everyone piss their pants was from two stops away on the L. He was also visiting his Gran. Though he’s relatively unknown in his hometown, the guy is fucking HUGE in Scotland. Fucking funny guy. His name is Danny Lobell and he had great jokes like, “My friend has diabetes and he lost an eye and a leg. It made me sad at first until I realized it’s kind of cool how diabetes turns people into pirates.” He also had some great shit about tit-fucking a crackhead mermaid and beating off at a Chinese massage parlor because the girl there wouldn’t do it for him. Check out Comical Radio. They’ve done everyone from Reggie Watts to George Carlin.

Anyochayethenoo, that’s the end of the Scottish Joy Comedy Tour. I’d like to stay longer but the whole country started drinking this.

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