IWow! Someone upstairs named God, has some massive brass ones! However, to be honest, I’m a bit thrown off by the latest topping on his Death Sundae™. It’s hard not to notice that the ingredients are mounting rapidly but I can only guess as to the order of their importance because there are obviously more coming. It is no secret that you’ve had a perverse indulgence with killing celebrities since the days of Vaudeville and I don’t think you will ever stop.
So far; and correct me if I’m wrong (without killing me) your death sundae has been constructed a bit like this: David Carradine, the container that the sundae is held in (if only we had known) then your bananas I assuming were Ed McMahon (a bit over ripe) and Farrah Fawcett. Then you go for your Ice Cream. You realize maybe a Frank Stallone or a Dane Cooke would have done fine for a couple of scoops but obviously you are having a major pajama party! Fine, how about Bruce Willis or William Smith? Non? But instead you dumped, Michael Jackson on top. A quart of Ice Cream? REALLY? That is so very rich in so many ways it’s fucked!
Ohhh, but you still need your toppings and it’s just started hasn’t it? Today was your foray into mid-level decorative chocolate sprinkles. Initially it seemed to have been Jeff Goldblum, which was later proven to be a hoax only to result in the actualizing of the death of Billy Mays, the Oxyclean spokesman.
God, honestly, this Death Sundae is out of control. What happened to the adage that “Oxicleanliness is next to OxyGodlyness”, you oxymoron? I’m sorry; I’m obviously a bit cranky because I’m FULL,
First and most importantly we salute that bearded hukster and hunk, the VU meter’s worst enemy, Bill Mays.
Next: Assuming God is in fact going for the Banana Split of Death Sundaes, the following “sprinkle” “whips cream” and possible “maraschino cherry” alert is being issued to the following important celebs (with no assumption toward their role as a particular topping)
Everyone at street carnage, Gary Coleman, the Sham Wow dude, there is also Morgan Fairchild, The Osborne’s (minus Ozzy), The cast of Saved by the Bell and Full House, Carrot top ,… ummm , Ray Romano, Raven-Symoné, David Caruso, Gary Sinise, Will Smith, Brad Pitt, anyone from an Aleve commercial, the cast of TMZ, everyone at Good Day LA, British Soap Stars, R. Kelley, Gord Martineau, Corey Haim, Monique and Good Charlotte.
If anyone was left off the list be thankful…but be vigilant , God’s got a sweet tooth.
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Bill Mays is DEAD?
06.28.09 at 3:51 pm
Dear God,
Beckles is right. “What happened to the adage that “Oxycleanliness is next to OxyGodlyness”, you oxymoron?”
06.28.09 at 4:28 pm
Anyone who as ever done a sales presentation understands the genius of this man.
06.28.09 at 4:53 pm
I’ll be honest I’m not actually sad about any celebrity dying, because I am able to separate “people on the TV” from “people I know’. But I had seen a few episodes of “Pitch Men” and Billy Mays seemed like a genuinely nice dude. Sure he generally sold garbage on those commercials but at least he was only selling it for like $20-40. That’s a lot better than AIG, Fannie Mae, etc.
I also feel bad for his kid who I think is like 23 years old. That’s gotta be rough losing your dad that young. My dad’s about the same age as Billy Mays I don’t think I’d deal with it well.
Also “What happened to the adage that “Oxycleanliness is next to OxyGodlyness”, you oxymoron?” is hilarious.
06.28.09 at 5:06 pm
HA! – Gord Martineau!
06.28.09 at 5:44 pm
LMAO… yes my ass! And it is perfect.
06.28.09 at 6:44 pm
all of that just for the “oxycleaness is next to…” gag. what is this ‘just for laffs’?
06.28.09 at 8:44 pm
Bee Arthur was first, not David Carradine.
06.28.09 at 8:55 pm
it’s “glutton” not “gluten
06.28.09 at 9:28 pm
“Billy Mays has died…Will Zorbeez be able to handle my tears?”
06.28.09 at 9:52 pm
R Kelly would be a damned fool to die this week… he’s kind of michael light in a lot of ways
06.29.09 at 12:57 am
the devil is collecting on his souls and mounting an attack. gnar wars
06.29.09 at 3:08 am
Do pitchmen go in three’s also? Ed McMahon, Billy Mays….. BE CAREFUL MIRACLE BULLET DUDE! The bell tolls for thee….
06.29.09 at 10:06 am
you forgot bea arthur!
06.29.09 at 10:10 am
bea arthur died in April. she was part of a different dessert
06.29.09 at 11:03 am
nuts! atop your sundae: queen elizabeth and bob dylan in a murder-suicide pact.
pass it on.
06.29.09 at 12:27 pm
Did you hear they’re saying Michael Jackson died of food poisoning? He ate a nine year old weiner.
06.29.09 at 1:05 pm
Dane Cook would have made the rest of eternity for me.
06.29.09 at 3:24 pm
Somebody got god mixed up with probability.
06.29.09 at 4:33 pm
Somebody got This mixed up with a Serious Blog. Lighten up, dude
07.01.09 at 2:56 pm
this post reminded me of that ’simpson soul stew’ song or whatever it was from ’simpsons sing the blues’.. the one where marge lists jazz instruments as ingredients and that every one fast forwarded (because CDs didnt exist yet)
just sayin
07.02.09 at 9:52 am
[...] don’t know if this counts for toppings on the death sundae but two mexican midget wrestlers were killed at a sex party by two whores drugging their drinks. [...]
07.07.09 at 9:17 am