Dear Guys’ Night,
Hope you’re as stoked about the Superbowl as me and my buddies are. Totally my fave time of year. But this season, I gots some major probage:
Every year for the big game, me and the fellas have a betting pool, but instead of forking over the cash, the losers have to take the winner out to the strip club and spend it on VIP dances for him. It’s kind of a way to make your friends jealous bitches. Unfortunately, this year I have a steady girlfriend and she is NOT OK with me going to the titty bar. Most of my buddies are married and their wives could kinda give a shit less.
I’m pretty sure if I go along with our tradition, it could be the end of my relationship. This whole thing just makes me sad on so many levels. Can you help a brother out?
-BUSTIN’ THE SPREAD FRED
Dear BTSF,
I don’t know what kind of girl you got on your hands, but I hope she’s way more smokin’ than the gash down at Crazy Girls because if she’s not, you’re in a real situation. I mean, who could stand missin’ out on all that sweet puss?!
Me and my buddy Karl usually hit up the club on Tuesdays for the happy hour wing special, on Thursday nights for no cover and four dollar High Lifes, and Fridays, of course, because that’s when the best talent works. Karl has to work on Saturday nights, so I usually just hang at the crib until he gets off, then we get a pizza and just chill. Maybe watch a Costner flick.
Anyway, so when me and Karl go to Crazy’s we have this thing where we get to pick out the lap dance girls for each other. Just watching Karl go nuts with his throbber being dry rubbed is what friendship is all about. Karl’s got a fat one. I saw it once when he came in the bathroom to piss when I was taking a shower. I tried not to stare, but I couldn’t take my eyes off that macho hog, just because I was so jealous.
Sometimes I think I know what Karl likes better than he does. That’s why even though he always thinks he’s into the more petite blonde girls with big racks, I usually start him off with someone like Raven: She’s this big, tall Amazonian black chick with short hair and small boobs, but a HUGUNGOUS ass. Raven only works on Tuesdays in the afternoon. Looks like a fucking model or a basketball player. Not kidding. There’s just nothing that gets it dribbling out of my man meat and down my leg like watching that big, fat backdoor pumping up and down on Karl’s nasty boy, putting a real straining on his denims. It’s real bonding, knowing you helped out a pal in need.
Usually, I don’t even get a lap dance. It’s just not my thing.
Hope this helps!
Go have yourself a Guys’ Night,
-MIKE BURNS
A specialist on the fellas, Mike Burns digs Bob Seger, has eight years of children’s clothing design experience, and is totally comfortable with your body. He once split his head wide open in a Brooklyn subway, then was found lying unconscious in filth and a pool of his own blood after an overzealous WWE pay per view event.
Guys’ Night was started to help REAL guys who are just tryin’ to be REAL guys’ guys, like James Garner, Steve McQueen, or Carl Lewis.
In the past year, Guys’ Night has directed thousands of dudes on how to chase that sweet, sweet trim AND keep it real with their buddies. So go on, take your shirt of if you want. It’s totally natural. Just us fellas trying to have a good time. No big deal.
Send your questions to: guysnightadvice@gmail.com.
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Fuck yeah! Guys Night Out!!! You should try getting one with your buddy at the same time, thigh-to-thigh, it’s the bees knees.
01.21.10 at 10:02 am
this dude didnt even mention the necessity of the high-five which we all know, as guys, is crucial to the success of any night out.
01.21.10 at 10:12 am
Take the leash off and go have a guys’ night.
01.21.10 at 2:55 pm
Chest hair is ewww.
01.21.10 at 3:32 pm
If she has a problem with it just ask her how she has the time to argue when she should be making you a sandwich?
01.21.10 at 4:04 pm
strip clubs are depressing.
01.21.10 at 4:39 pm
mike burns sound like a faggot. watchin costner flicks with his butt buddy and starin at his dick. where you from atl? fuckin fruitloop
01.21.10 at 4:50 pm
that was actually so bad it made me a little sad for a moment.
01.21.10 at 4:55 pm
@hate: did you not get it? or am i not getting that you got it, but are now pretending that you didn’t get it so i would think you did, and then get mad because you’re not getting it? and by it i don’t mean a dick in your ass.
01.21.10 at 5:39 pm
I wanna see Karls macho hog too so I can compare it with my own. No homo of course.
01.21.10 at 5:44 pm
Great, cutting edge satire. On no wait, I mean, this is fucking awful. “Lets stick it to the normals, man!”
01.21.10 at 9:52 pm
i liked this
01.21.10 at 11:59 pm
I also liked this
12.17.10 at 1:19 pm