Today is the day Canadians wear a flag as a cape and walk around the city getting f-u-c-k-i-n-g wasted. Ideally, they lose their friends and the gay sailor look they came up with on a lark, now looks like a lonely drunk who is HIV positive and was abandoned by his family. Historically, this is the day Britain decided to unite Eastern Canada with the rest of the other provinces back in 1867 but nobody knows that or cares.
He’s a dozen other things you don’t know or care about the country that brought you the likes of me and Derrick…
1- This day has nothing to do with you, Quebec. Sure some of us say, “My Canada includes Quebec” but we really mean, “Don’t leave home because you couldn’t handle it and having to bail you out of juvie every two weeks is actually more work than allowing you to sit in the basement, on welfare, watching TV all day.” You can go nuts on St. Jean but this is Mum and Dad’s day so stay out of our way because we’re fuggin’ givin’ er!
2- Canadians know big words. Maybe it’s our UK-based education but we can say ostentatious without feeling ostentatious. We also speak French without looking like fops and we can swim. It’s amazing how few people in the world can get in the water and not look like a drowning baby horse. Don’t you people have lakes?
3- Though they look like homeless lumberjacks, Canadians have been everywhere in the world and are happy to moan about what a mess Pakistan is since Nusrat died or how Glasgow’s Parliament is a fucking joke.
4- We were abandoned by Pamela Anderson, Bret Hart, Leonard Cohen, Meg Tilly, Shalom Harlow, Doug Henning, Jack Black, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, Neil Young, Linda Evangelista, Todd McFarlane, and the guy who did Ren & Stimpy.
5- We invented basketball. I mean, sure it happened in America but it was a Canadian gym teacher that suggested people throw balls in a basket and it was then later his idea to cut a hole in the thing.
6- We burnt the White House to the ground. In fact, they call it the White House because America wanted it to look proud like a white Phoenix after being blackened into nothingness. People like to say it was Britain because that sounds better than a bunch of rag tag Indians, Irish trash and Frogs but we were technically “Britain” up until 1982. So, sorry guys, Canada set all of Washington alight back in 1814.
7- Montreal has more strip clubs per capita than anywhere in the world. NB: I know I said Quebec isn’t invited to this thing but Montreal isn’t really Quebec. It was the “maudit anglais” of Montreal that prevented the French vote from being Yes when they had a referendum back in 1992, remember?, when Jacques Parizeau got all wasted and said it’s the fault of “money and the ethnic vote” (AKA Jews and immigrants)? MAN were they pissed we didn’t let them fail.
8- Nardwuar the Human Serviette
9- We got our National Anthem in 1967, about two years after we settled on the maple leaf as a flag. That means we’re barely 40 years old. In Canada, anything over 100 years old is considered a heritage home and the government has to pay for its upkeep. You need to be about 1,000 years old to get that kind of treatment in Scandinavia.
10- There is no such thing as Canadian bacon. Our bacon looks just like your bacon. The shit you call “Canadian bacon” is some stuff you made up that we never actually use. We have no idea where you got that shit from. It’s kind of like how French Canadians say “Dat’s it. Dat’s all. Fuck ‘em all” because they think it’s an English saying. We’ve never said anything like that – ever.
11- You cannot travel more than two miles without seeing a chip van. Not shitty McCains fries either. Real, deep fried potatoes (ironically the Canadian potato company McCains ruined fries worldwide). This is because the roots of Canada are mostly Scotch Irish and those people love their potatoes because they need the starch to soak up all the booze. My mouth is watering right now thinking about them.
12- Canadians make great boyfriends. Ask any American girl that’s had the pleasure of a Canadian man in her loins. We don’t cheat, we do the dishes, we will not run away when you get accosted and, eventually, we will marry you.
The action figures SCTV based the characters on.
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Hunting for deer in Winnipeg.
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This is how you party when there’s nothing going on anywhere else.
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Andrew Geddes at my stag drinking American beer and being the future.
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At the greatest restaurant in the world L’Express in Montreal. Oh wait, no it isn’t. It’s Petit Moulinsart that Hergé fry place.
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Disco fries is just shredded mozzarella and gravy. Poutine is cheese curds and gravy. This is Disco poutine which is on some next level shit.
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Village de Valeurs (Value Village in the rest of Canada) is the reason we all dress so fucking ridinks.
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This is the Max Fish of Montreal. I met Derrick here when he was DJing. He was playing pinball and dancehall was playing and I said, “Hey, is this Tiger?” And he said, “What? I don’t know it’s Tiger or Lion or some shit” without turning around. We didn’t meet again for another three years because I thought he was a dick (which he is).
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Blake discovered most whiskey bottles have a universal thread you can fit anything on. Like a spray thingie or whatever you want.
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It’s a great little pick me up.
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“You Can’t do That on Television” was the #1 show in Australia for years. It cost us $40 to make. Which is about $5 less than Degrassi Junior High. You know what the actors got paid for that the first season? Lunch. Isn’t that what they do in like, India?
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This is how we do it.
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Kyle is almost 7 feet tall but hates basketball.
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Canadians love this book because it mentions hockey players’ penis sizes.
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In Ontario you can only buy booze from government sanctioned stores that are very creatively named. This is fucking bullshit and politicians are often elected saying they’re going to abolish it (which they never do).
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The government charges about a million dollars for cigarettes but you can get them from the Indians for next to nothing.
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The Cleopatre is the awesomest strip club in Montreal because it’s the saddest. Pathetic drag queens fall off the stage wasted and everybody cheers. Do NOT go there to get a boner. Across the street you have $1 beers at this place where all the homeless people go to drink. If you’re into schadenfreude, this is the place for you.
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Besides the most strip clubs in the world they also have straight up prostitution or, for a dollar, you can sit in a booth and beat off to about 300 pornos going on at once. Do not shake anyone’s hand if they walk out of here. The worst is when you’re the guy walking out and you have to explain why they shouldn’t shake your hand.
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This movie is about the Asian immigrant car gangs VS the Indian hip hop thugs in Winnipeg. World’s weirdest scene.
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A common Canadian view.
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A common Northern Canadian view. The Northern Lights have to be seen to be believed. They writhe and contort like an unborn baby and the colors are way brighter than you think they’re going to be. It is one of the freakiest things you will ever see and makes the mosquitoes seem almost worth it.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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im american but i swear have always been drawn to canadien television for as long as i can remember. you cant do that on television just always seemed so weird and intriguing to me when i was like 5, like thats what kids were doing over in canada, living together and putting on sketch comedy shows. trailer park boys is my favorite show and recently ive been obsessed with corner gas. i dont even think corner gas is funny, i just stopped on it one day and was like. “whaaa?.. why am i drawn to this boring gas station and its people” of course i found out it was canadien and again i wish i lived with those people like i did when i was 5 with ycdtotv
07.01.08 at 1:43 pm
ohhhh caaaanadaaaaaa
07.01.08 at 1:46 pm
i just met a canadian dude and he does seem like the sweetest guy alive. i hope that’s true about them doing the dishes
07.01.08 at 1:50 pm
i live in Winnipeg and im about to celebrate Canada the way everyone should…
pack a lunch
lots of shrooms
comfortable shoes
$30
12 of keiths in my back pack
good company
more shrooms
07.01.08 at 2:05 pm
it’s true
07.01.08 at 2:06 pm
Excellent shirt in the hunting pic.
07.01.08 at 2:33 pm
bret hart still lives in calgary i see that old weirdo all the time
07.01.08 at 3:13 pm
The only thing that bothers me about Canadians are the self righteous sanctimonious drivel that spill out of their mouths in reference to the US. Traveling Canadians are the worst. 90% only read the headlines and think the the movie Loose Change is the bible. What a bunch of babies.
07.01.08 at 3:35 pm
now that is how you do a scene report!!
07.01.08 at 3:37 pm
playin’ playstation with wolves runnin’ around your fucken house, pretty sexy!
07.01.08 at 3:40 pm
Gotta try those fries!!!
07.01.08 at 3:46 pm
Mother-fucker of a scene report!
07.01.08 at 4:17 pm
ce survol était fucking excellent
07.01.08 at 4:23 pm
those colonel stencils are amazing.
07.01.08 at 4:26 pm
that was beautiful. I’m all choked up…
07.01.08 at 4:28 pm
I’m so homesick I want to cry tears of Black Label.
07.01.08 at 4:30 pm
awesome + 100,000,000
07.01.08 at 5:38 pm
Gavin, I could eat you up with that pink/green combo. But I’m all full from Poutine.
07.01.08 at 7:23 pm
Um – happy Canada Day.
Aye mami, who is with David Cross? She jumped out of my dreams last night and I have to find her.
07.01.08 at 8:51 pm
GAVIN’S WIFE IS A FUCKEN HOT TOMALE! WHATS UNDER THOSE FLAGS SHES WEARIN’!
07.01.08 at 10:07 pm
jezus ya shoulda gave ur wife 12 puddy tat faces for draping herself with them there deux flags yes
07.01.08 at 10:08 pm
awesome wolf.
the thing i dont like about canadians is how every single one of them wears that fucking maple leaf badge thing on their backpacks when they go overseas. its like their moms pinned a note to their shirts on the first day of school. we are from the rest of the world and we dont care about your stupid country, we just want to rob you.
not talking about this article (i read it, i learned something) just saying thats the reaction the backpacker badge gets innit
07.01.08 at 11:25 pm
do canadian dudes come long haires and brown?
07.01.08 at 11:46 pm
no mention of TIM’S? come now gavin
07.02.08 at 12:40 am
o, fuck off with the tims coffee, it’s primarily composed of ass juice and, well, more of the same, fuck!
07.02.08 at 12:59 am
godamn i hope thurs more like her On the Trail
07.02.08 at 1:02 am
The great thing about Vancouver is that you’re not in Calgary.
07.02.08 at 6:31 am
canadian guys will also eat a girl out, something that used to seem to surprise nyc girls. and nice use of you cant do that on television, much better than degrassi.
07.02.08 at 7:36 am
canadians love to fuck. we like to talk about it a lot as well.
and for those of you who hate travelling canadians…you’ve met the wrong ones…the right ones hate their fellow countrymen for failing to have any national identity beyond anti-americanism or allowing their government to establish a welfare state.
07.02.08 at 10:46 am
I really love Canadians. There’s only a few problems with them that are no big deal, but worth mentioning anyway.
1.They barf and get heat sick if in tropical areas (seen this and it’s fucking funny)
2.For some reason they charge like 85 bucks for a couple packs of smokes and an 18 pack (at least in Vancouver)
3.As mentioned above, they travel around with those silly flag patches because they don’t want to be confused with Americans, but everyone already knows they’re Canadians by the silly way they dress and talk.
07.02.08 at 5:48 pm
i live in london now and this made me so fucking homesick…
beautifully done.
07.02.08 at 7:33 pm
Proud to be a Canadian.. pass me another Eskimo!
07.02.08 at 7:41 pm
that’s not a wolf you fucking asshole it’s some sort mix of huksy.
07.03.08 at 12:25 am
i just witnessed this firsthand— its true! canadian guys DO eat you out AND do the dishes!
07.06.08 at 8:40 pm
The really weird thing about Canada is how they’ve really tightened up the border with the US. Back when I was living in Buffalo, you didn’t need any documents to cross the border. You just drove up to a toll booth and told them you were driving their to drink because the legal age was lower. Now you have to show your papers, and if you have kids with you they pretty much assume you are kidnapping them unless both parents are present.
08.01.08 at 3:16 pm
I love living in Canada.
The other day I was driving down the highway at 110kmph with the window down and it was -26c outside (Snowstorm, had to poke my head out once in a while to see as the windshield wipers couldn’t clear the snow fast enough). When I got home there were two three inch long snot icicle hanging from either side of my moustache blown back against my cheek and stuck there like chopper handlebars. It was a sight to behold. A biological ice sculpture.
Now I know why all the people I passed were looking at me funny. ViVe la Canada!!
02.03.09 at 7:40 pm
Oh, and yes, We Canadian Males are pretty sexually adventurous, although I only know this from talking to women who have had (except for the weirdo religious types, but you wouldn’t want to fuck them anyway so…)
And we not only do the dishes but very often try to share the household workload with our spouse/partner/roommate/lover/////etc.
It’s a novel concept in some places for a man to work all day and then come home and pitch in around the house….Not here from my experience (Certain exceptions apply..lol)
02.03.09 at 7:46 pm
“Experiences with men from other countries” Missed this line in my last post….lol
02.03.09 at 7:47 pm
[...] know what’s good “aboot” town and linked me to an old post about something called Canada Day. Still, I don’t think I know enough about our retarded cousin to the [...]
05.07.09 at 10:17 am
Mmmmm yes yes Montreal represent.
05.08.09 at 1:44 pm
gavin’s wife is sooooooooooo pretty
05.15.09 at 11:06 am
[...] hard to believe we said this an entire year ago. Here’s a tip for partying today: If you are going to wear an insane [...]
07.01.09 at 9:47 am
I wanto get back
07.04.09 at 9:54 pm
Sigh. I miss Canada so much. Good thing they still know how to party here in nyc.
08.04.09 at 2:51 pm