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Let’s get one thing straight. It’s not “How much would you LIKE to be paid?” We’d all like to receive a million dollars for eating a spider. That’s not going to happen. The question is really, “How much money would you refuse?” I’d eat a non-deadly spider for $35. If you handed me a paper bag with $34 cash, I’d say no thank you. The way you know you have the right price is, you’re not thrilled about it. The person who gave you the money is a shrewd businessman and he got you down to a price where you could almost not do it. You should both be walking away from the transaction slightly dissatisfied.
Also, while tabulating the price you have to keep in mind the trauma the act is going to stick with you. This spider will probably be juicy and may appear in your head every time you eat a juicy thing for the rest of your life. That’s why “Punch your mom in the face” and “French your dad” ones are so stupid. You’re not going to do a dare that’s going to wreck you relationship with your family forever so the answer is “no amount of money on earth.” You also have to keep in mind, if you get, say $500,000 for eating a live kitten, every time someone says your house is beautiful and how did you get it etc., you’re going to have to remember you’re living in a house that cat murder begot. Keep all that in mind when refusing the paper bag.
Oh yeah, one more thing: If you’re talking about something like eating out a Rottweiler’s stinky asshole and balls don’t ask stupid questions like, “Do I have to use my tongue?” The rational is you are going to make the customer (the eccentric billionaire paying for all this) very happy with his purchase. When you choose a price you are imagining eating the living shit out of the dogs ass and slurping it all up like you love it. No ifs, ands or butts.
Other prices include…
-Old man with no STDs fucking you in the ass carefully $640,000
(Most of this one is the trauma. The actual act is only as uncomfortable as taking a huge shit in reverse AKA $50)
-Punching an old lady in the face and running away $74,000
-Slapping a kid in the face and running away $1,200
-eating one piece of shit the size of an eraser every day for a year $130,000
-having to dance everywhere you go and if you walk you get an electric shock. That means getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night has to be a dance. No normal walking, ever $130,000.
These last two bring up another great game called Would You Rather. I have no idea which of the $130,000 acts I would prefer to do. The shit eating is incredibly unhealthy but assuming it’s my own and I eat it immediately after it comes out, it’s probably not that bad. Besides, shit eating is over every morning. The dance thing lasts 24 hours a day.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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That dog’s ass looks exactly like Wilfred Brimley. Assuming it is filthy, I would eat it out for $750.
12.04.08 at 11:42 am
For $130,000 I would punch a Latin King in front of his boys and then run away. But no blaqs or ms-13 can be with him.
12.04.08 at 11:47 am
btw: i’m not too fast
12.04.08 at 11:48 am
Is the eraser shit money paid up front? Or is it like a lay away thing where you get the money after eating 365 small pieces of shit? Also, your kid slapping prices are way too high. A crazy Vincent Price millionare would never pay that much for something that would be so satisfying to do on his own.
12.04.08 at 11:49 am
Someone asked me a good one the other day…
Would you rather eat a sandwich made of emeril lagosi’s body hair (nestled between stale, tasteless bread- nothing to distract you from his freshly waxed man hair) once a week for a year or shave your head and get his face tattooed on the back of your head? Your hair will grow back so no one would see it, eventually.
12.04.08 at 12:09 pm
@ ur doing it
The Latin Kings thing is a bad move because they HAVE to kick the shit out of you and that means kicks to the head even after your unconscious. If you don’t die from that the odds are damn high you’ll become one of those guys that got hit in the head and was never the same. Not sure there is a price worth those kinds of risks but it definitely should be closer to a million.
12.04.08 at 12:25 pm
That hair one is a good one. Hmmmm….
12.04.08 at 12:26 pm
i think the shit one might not be too bad…you could definitey mix it up in a cheese omelette or dilute it in some oatmeal or something..an eraser sized shit is not too big..could you put it ina blender with a smoothie?
12.04.08 at 12:38 pm
@Sarah: My thinking is this
I need a group that is scary enough to get the business person to put up the $130,000.
LK fits the bill and but seem safer than the rest. They’d beat me up, but won’t kill me.
Black guys are bigger, stronger AND faster than me. They also wear timberlands which would be bad for the kicking part. I’d prolly pussy out beforehand just cuz theyre black guys. Plus they have guns, everyone knows that.
MS13 guys are tiny so they prolly role in groups of 30. They have face tattoos and I saw them on tv killing people with machetes. They come from 3rd world countries which means they’re fast as shit. Holy shit no way, fucking face tats and machetes.
The Puerto Rican people are pretty fat so I have the best chance of out running them. They probably don’t have as many guns or machettes. They wear sneakers and listen to latin music. It’ll be a beat down, but i dont think i’ll or get head trauma.
12.04.08 at 12:57 pm
The dancing would be better for you all around. You’d probably get in really good shape dancing all the time. Plus there are plenty of dancy walks. Like all you have to do is walk with your feet turned out into second position at a set rhythm and it counts. Also running counts because dancers like to run to their positions on stage.
12.04.08 at 1:07 pm
Regarding Emerel: After careful thinking, I would… WAIT, I was SURE about tattoo because its over in an afternoon pain wise, and hair back in few weeks…and I would DREAD gagging every week for a whole year. so…
TATTOO. Yes, def.
12.04.08 at 1:09 pm
Tattoo. Definitely better.
12.04.08 at 1:25 pm
i would never do the hair one. Eating hair is bad enough, you will hate life shitting that hair out.
12.04.08 at 1:49 pm
this is stupid. kick it up a notch.
12.04.08 at 2:12 pm
This is stupid and I laughed. Well done.
12.04.08 at 2:30 pm
These scenarios are far too improbable; they’re limited to discussion. To really assault one’s self-esteem with a catch-22 you have to bring realism to the table:
If you were penniless, would you pose nude for an eccentric photographer’s private collection for $20 and a twelve pack? Obviously a few drawbacks would apply: He’s gay and insinuated that insertion may be required, possibility of being dosed, skeptical over the meaning of “private collection”. With the assumed risks in mind, is the modest payout worth the unwavering paranoia? Will you be sighted on a gallery wall with an ice cream cone jutting out from your asshole?
12.04.08 at 4:09 pm
do you mean an eraser that can be found on the end of a pencil? or one of those on-the-side, big ones that come in packs of different colors? big difference. or shit, maybe even a chalk board eraser?? we need this cleared up first. i dont want to be forced to eat something larger than i can create daily because then you would have to mix in someone else’s every day which A: would be challenging to find someone willing to give you their shit daily and just asking your friends would be humiliating in the first place. yeah, they might find it funny the first couple times but after about a week when you are calling them at work asking for their shit they are going to start screening your calls and whispering that you are “taking this TOO far”. you would have to add lost friends into the price. B: mixing shit would require gloves and more puke sacks and therefore, more money and C: you should NEVER mix poo of a different consistency, at least that is what my grandfather taught me so it would be more difficult to find exact matches everyday.
also, i agree that the kid slapping price is too high. no one would pay that. maybe $3.
i would do it for $3.
12.04.08 at 4:23 pm
I’ve been drastically underpaid for some of the weird/gross shit I’ve done in my day
12.04.08 at 5:13 pm
Would you rather take a time machine forward in time, to have sex with your corpse at your open casket funeral? or would you rather go back in time and molest yourself moments after you are born (umbilical cord attached)?
12.04.08 at 6:11 pm
this article is interesting, and I respect most of your prices but how is 130 grand enough to dance everywhere you go for the rest of your life. that ain’t worth it, that’s crazy. if it’s just for a year, maybe, but 130k to basically have locomotion tourettes the rest of yer life, fuck that not at any price. no more strolling, loping, creeping, running, hopping, ambling, loping (i like that shit) or galloping? how the fuck you gonna teach your kid to gallop when you bopping around like a retard and she’s starting to be embarrassed to be seen with you at age six
12.04.08 at 7:33 pm
yeah, 130k is way too low to be a shit-eater
seriously, you would never forget the taste, no one but scat pros would kiss you, and you would know that every day, no matter how good the day got, you would at some point have the low of havng to put poo in your own mouth
12.04.08 at 7:50 pm
I have found so many typos in this site and Vice, I should be hired or paid as an editor. The “rationale” is..
12.04.08 at 11:18 pm
Wait I have a question !
for example with the dancing, or the tattoo… when people asked why you were dancing everywhere, Could you explain that you were getting paid to do this?
Its like when you were in 5th grade and you’d give your friend a dollar to yell penis or gargle loudly in the ice cream store.
12.05.08 at 1:30 am
Pencil eraser?
12.05.08 at 4:24 am
It would make loosing your hair that much worse… you will never have the option to just shave it off and pretend that you still have style. I would go for the sandwich and do lots of drugs that year so it would be harder to recollect and all tangled up in hallucinations.
I would eat a bullet before I ate shit.
12.05.08 at 8:45 am
@imbored.
w/o question have sex with my own corpse.
12.05.08 at 3:36 pm