I read somewhere that many cultures have stories similar to Cinderella, but they were created completely isolated from each other. What this means is, every culture has poor, slutty girls dressing up to get laid by Prince Rich Dick. This is how to take advantage of these girls trying to find Mr. Right at a shitty bar that they think is the ball of their very own bedtime story.
First thing’s first: You better have some money. If you can’t pay, don’t play.
Also, women do mature, so if you plan to try this on some ugly old hag, fuck you. With older women your wedding ring better have some diamonds in it if you want a chance at that ass. This is meant to help you mind-fuck a young hot girl into confusing you being an asshole as you being superior. Young girls have a real hard time deciphering if you really are as awesome as you lead them to think. Most of the time, they really don’t give a shit who you are, just as long as you keep them duped. “It’s not my fault” is a girl’s wet dream.
As well, if you’re just some ugly shithead, try starting with your level. Yes, you deserve / want the hottest girl — so does everyone else.
SET UP YOUR PLACE
Always keep some drugs at home. A six pack, a joint, a few lines. When the time comes at the bar, the easiest out is to invite her over to do more drugs. It’s good to have condoms, even if in the middle of your drug-raged, shitty sex, you rip it off. She will like your willingness to fuck her without a condom — just move quickly to keep her confused. If she asks if you took off the condom, just say “Do you eat a Snickers while it’s still in the wrapper?” By the time she gets the whole meaning behind what you just said, she will be enthralled and imprisoned by you ravaging her. Just don’t be a dumb asshole and get her pregnant. But before you can buy her the morning after pill, you need to find her.
HAVE CIGARETTES
It is also good to have cigarettes with you. I have gotten into many tight spots because of these little chest warmers. My theory is if a girl asks you, out of everyone, for a smoke, she wants to smoke your cock. Call me big-headed. If you don’t smoke, put one behind your ear, so she can still see you have them.
FIND HER
The best thing you can do is go to a hot spot. Do not go into your regular hangout bar. You are trying to get laid here, not find someone with a common interest — the common interest should be dick in vagina. The hip places most often fade quickly. This means she can see fucking you as distant as when that bar was cool. If you do somehow pull off finding a girlfriend out of a fuck-the-first-night type, congratulations, you have tamed a whore. Just don’t be surprised when she gives head to a roadie for a band touring in a beat-up church van.
IGNORE HER
Once you see her seeing you, let her check you out. Show her some jawline, show her your social skills. Take some time. If you get too aggressive right away, you will seem like the Terminator and her pussy will turn into John Connor.
So you have shown you can be distant. You won’t be a clinger. If she hasn’t at least made motions into your party voice area, then forget about her and find the next one — she may come around anyway. You have to convince this girl of the fact that she is the commodity.
Feel free to try to approach her, but not only are you showing your cards to her, you are showing them to every other girl that may have interest in you.
TALK TO GIRLS IN FRONT OF HER
This is a great way to actually approach girls without the motive of fucking them on your mind. Sure, go talk to girls that are fuckable — for all you know one of these girls will end up being the one you fuck. By placing the ulterior motive of using this girl to show the target how badass you are, you are actually making the girl you are talking to hot in the pants. People pick up on ulterior motives, even If they can’t place their finger on what that motive is. Girls love the idea of you wanting to fuck another girl, especially if they are the one that ends up fucking you.
ACT LIKE YOU ALREADY KNOW HER
So she has decided to ask you for a light, a cigarette, or has chosen a close path through the bar near you. Since you already know you are going to fuck her, treat her as if you already have. Talk to her like a human being. Feel free to treat her like you would the female co-worker that you always ride the line of sexual harassment with. Talk dirty, be honest, be charming. This does not mean actually sexually harass her. You have to be gay, from Mexico, over the hill, or married for girls to allow you to sexually harass them.
DISAGREE WITH HER
Disagreeing with something in the conversation is very important. Not only does it show you are not a pushover, she now knows that once you are tired of your sexual position, you will fess up and slap that ass to the proper place.
ACT UNAVAILABLE
Try to have an underlining of being sneaky. This makes her believe you won’t be blabbing your mouth off about it. Also, if she thinks you have a significant other, you seem wanted and not desperate. Of course don’t ride this too hard.
FAKE PHONE CALLS AND / OR TEXTS
If you are there with friends, have them call or text you during the conversation. If you want to get really badass, put your friend’s name as a girl’s name for the night. While you talk to the girl, have your buddy text you, “I want you now.” Let her see it, but act like you didn’t mean for her to. Put your phone away quickly, like you are almost embarrassed by how bad girls want you.
GET THE COCK-BLOCK DRUNK
So here comes her friend to try to fuck up everything. The next trip to the bar, buy her a drink and make it a double. Keep her satisfied. Show the girl not only can you charm her, you can charm the fat bitch she uses as a soapbox.
FUCK HER UGLY FRIEND
So she hasn’t responded to coming over? Make sure to ask more than once. If you have gotten to the end of the line and bar time is looming and you don’t have time to start over with another girl, take the cock-block home and have some frustrated, fuck-you sex with the puff piece. Sometimes you got to take one for the team — the team being you, your cock, and balls. Remember: This was all about getting you laid, you asshole.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4401 access attempts in the last 7 days.
Okay Tucker.
10.29.09 at 11:20 am
this post is as fresh as a banger from dim mak (not at all)
10.29.09 at 11:22 am
This method works… But youre still a douche.
10.29.09 at 11:25 am
^^^ Totally.
10.29.09 at 11:29 am
it’s true assholes have more sexy time than the nice guy.
10.29.09 at 11:36 am
forty years old, weeping on the floor in the fetal position, knucks bro
10.29.09 at 11:39 am
steve aoki raped and murdered a girl in 1990.
10.29.09 at 11:40 am
This was a goof, right?
10.29.09 at 11:50 am
“Take one for the team – the team being you, your cock and your balls”.
That one made me snort root beer out of my nose!!!
10.29.09 at 11:55 am
The text suggestion is really bad. Gave me the chills.
10.29.09 at 12:02 pm
+1 for jawline.
10.29.09 at 12:10 pm
Fuck all the haters. This shit was amusing.
10.29.09 at 12:13 pm
“I want you now.” text from fake girl will undo all your hard work. worst bit of advice to give ever. girls want to know they are the only one and there won’t be extra drama to deal with after the fuck.
10.29.09 at 12:17 pm
Great, Maxim with extra curse words.
10.29.09 at 12:21 pm
imyar either you have a pussy, wear versace, or are a pussy. Good luck, and keep looking for “the only one”
10.29.09 at 12:23 pm
Kids need this shit now that Teen Cosmo is going outta print.
10.29.09 at 12:26 pm
saying ‘fuck’ a lot is always funny but this gave me douche chills
10.29.09 at 12:28 pm
Gavin already killed this to death with the vice guide to picking up chicks
10.29.09 at 12:36 pm
definitely don’t pretend you’re gonna fuck someone else. if you need help this badly, hang with a sociopath. they know all about getting people to do what they want.
10.29.09 at 12:52 pm
so every time you have a one night stand, fuck the girl without a condom and then buy her the morning after pill. what the fuck is wrong with you?
this post is just misogynistic. and not very funny or original.
10.29.09 at 12:53 pm
see you later you AFC’s! this here is STD mining gold!
10.29.09 at 1:04 pm
whats an afc?
10.29.09 at 1:07 pm
ok
10.29.09 at 1:13 pm
I hate you Dave, and I hope you die in a fire with your cock and balls
10.29.09 at 1:19 pm
FAT GIRL! IT NEVER GETS OLD, NEVER, IT NEVER GETS OLD, FAT GIRL! SO FUCKING FUNNY! FUCK THE FAT GIRL! THE FAT GIRL!
10.29.09 at 1:23 pm
The disagreeing with her thing is perfect, it’s like spinning them around on the dance floor until they’re dizzy, but mental. She already knows you want to fuck her even if she doesn’t actually know it-know it, so when you say “Nah, I think Pabst tastes like piss” she’ll be all “why isn’t he staring and nodding at me when I talk the way men usually do when I put on these heels?” That’s a life lesson there kiddos. Nothing makes a girl want to fuck you more then her thinking you don’t want to fuck her. However DO NOT do the cell phone thing, reading that made me feel like I stepped in cold puddle water, probally because the rest of the article was so funny and insightful.
10.29.09 at 1:35 pm
probably
10.29.09 at 1:44 pm
cool story bro.
10.29.09 at 1:55 pm
I don’t think I could second most of this advice (except for have cigs, talk like you know her, and disagree with her), but the post was still funny.
10.29.09 at 1:56 pm
Gavin, why have someone else rehash a subject you wrote on 5 years ago. Why not just post a link to the Vice page?
This was very similar, except for the bad advice and lack of humor
10.29.09 at 2:07 pm
cmon Arv, you know condoms suck. Admit it..
10.29.09 at 2:15 pm
i guess the only appropriate way to shill for Dim Mak is to do a shitty remake of something older and better.
10.29.09 at 2:17 pm
was this article written by a hip teenager?
10.29.09 at 2:30 pm
Yeah, Gavin’s old article was comprehensive and funny. This, not so much. But I guess the his guide wasn’t totally predicated on being an asshole.
10.29.09 at 2:31 pm
this is some lazy PUA stuff, really it is.
shit son, im surprised you didnt say “neg”
and condoms dont suck we just to sink a few more mill into contraceptive research.
centuries later and we still have a thing that a lot of dudes dont like. wtf science!?
10.29.09 at 2:36 pm
this might work if the girl you’re chasing is retarded.
10.29.09 at 2:37 pm
Hey man I love women. I am hurt by this blog. I take everything I read seriously, and humor is the weakest trait in mankind. I really do hate condoms though, and refuse to use. So lets get buck wile tittiehips!
10.29.09 at 2:47 pm
Isn’t this everything that emo tried to assassinate?
10.29.09 at 3:05 pm
insightful, but way off
10.29.09 at 3:05 pm
i have a humongous puss and am the biggest one too.
10.29.09 at 3:10 pm
the only good DIM MAK band is From Monument To Masses.
this article sucked.
10.29.09 at 3:18 pm
The best part about The Vice Guide to Getting Chicks was “All Asians girls have 3 things in common: Perfect titties, no ass, and a horrible relationship with their father”.
This didn’t have anything as funny. But it’s true, fucking a fat girl is really cleansing. They pretty much let you do whatever and tell you how good you are at it.
10.29.09 at 3:23 pm
whatever I liked it. good advice. be an asshole that’s what I always tell youngsters who are trying to get a girl. I say it right in front of my girlfriend, she gets pissed, but whatever, that’s the point, she gets pissed, says “you’re an asshole” and I’m like “yeah, and you’re with me, right?” thus proving my point (and pissing her off more). goddamn I’m a charming sunovabitch.
10.29.09 at 3:54 pm
http://current.com/1valm4c
this is a far superior guide on how to get HPV while masking your insecurity..
10.29.09 at 4:08 pm
pro tip for bonus douche points- if all else fails, just date rape.
10.29.09 at 4:16 pm
the only thing that would be dumber than this would be a how to get laid guide by Mad Decent DJs
10.29.09 at 4:18 pm
david keyes fucked my girlfriend, she was obviously slutty, but it still hurt.
10.29.09 at 4:31 pm
“If you get too aggressive right away, you will seem like the Terminator and her pussy will turn into John Connor.”
hahahahahahhahahahahaha
10.29.09 at 4:45 pm
Blowing ass big time when you first meet her always lets her know you are human.
10.29.09 at 4:51 pm
gay.
10.29.09 at 5:03 pm
“How to be unfunny and blog”
Zzzzzzzz
10.29.09 at 5:04 pm
So this entire post is about being a douche to get a one night stand with a hot girl who is automatically a “whore” if she does the same thing? This site is a frat guys wet dream I swear.
10.29.09 at 5:12 pm
Poor Steve haha
10.29.09 at 5:23 pm
Ripping off the condom with a first-night fuck is a great way to get genital gangrene.
10.29.09 at 5:23 pm
Everything past “ACT UNAVAILABLE” is kinda yuckleberry yound, but otherwise sage and sound advice for slamming girls who are very dumb.
TRY IT OUT 2 NITE!!
10.29.09 at 5:30 pm
hey i remember when this was written by gavin and actually was funny.
Isn’t DIM MAK the running joke right now?
10.29.09 at 5:38 pm
way too long and drawn out. when you see an amazingly hot woman, you just walk up to her and tell her the following: “i’ve got two loads for you. one for your mouth and one for your ass. douche out, bitch and i’ll see you at 11.” then you leave your address w/her. by the time you turn to walk away, she’ll be wetting her panties a little. this also works with men, if you’re so inclined.
10.29.09 at 6:20 pm
I always wet my panties when girls approach me and tell me to douche. I am a dude too
10.29.09 at 6:39 pm
lmao at Anonymous.
10.29.09 at 6:44 pm
your being sarcastic, right? maybe its because im not a huge whore, but if i guy pulled this on me id laugh in his face.
10.29.09 at 8:13 pm
How do you know when a guy is doing this to you.
10.29.09 at 9:40 pm
yeah, yeah all the vaginas here are obviously going to say that being an asshole doesn’t work, BUT it does. Ladies are so use to getting what they want, that when they do run into a prick it does drive them crazy. Why? Because he’s not giving them what they want. Even being a tiny bit asshole-y is attractive.
10.29.09 at 10:18 pm
wait, did steve aoki really do that?
10.30.09 at 12:29 am
Don’t forget to put the sheets in the freezer… Antartic Sex!
10.30.09 at 2:14 am
Why does everyone always hate on Ian Stuart? He was just a lovable huckster that found a niche and ran with it. He made a living selling racist t-shirts and stuff. Kudos. Beats the dole.
Fun facts: Ian was a gay. In the early days Suggsy from Madness was their “roadie.” The song “Bed and Breakfast Man” is actually about Ian. Nick Crane was also a lover of Ian’s in the 80’s. Why is this never brought up? Skinheads usually have fat chicks hanging around, but you’d figure the king of the skinheads would at least have a hot girlfriend. Nope.
He was also a lovely musician.
10.30.09 at 2:54 am
Dude, I’m totally gonna try the “arctic sheets” move.
10.30.09 at 3:52 am
Already learned all this from one of those NBC anthropology tits are just asses shows
10.30.09 at 5:49 am
# ivan. Says:
steve aoki raped and murdered a girl in 1990.
10.29.09 at 11:40 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
10.30.09 at 9:48 am
no really… did he?
10.30.09 at 10:20 am
hahaha! Steve, being pictured for this article is um, i don’t want to say perfect, but it’s glorious, nonetheless…yeah buddy, SAT nights forever.
10.30.09 at 1:35 pm
Did Steve Aoki rape and murder a girl in 1990?
I’m not saying that he did, but he hasn’t denied it.
At least get it right.
10.30.09 at 3:54 pm
BAD STEVE!!!!!
10.30.09 at 11:41 pm
God, that’s funny stuff!! Reminds me of back in the day, when I used to hang out in clubs/bars and assholes were all over the place. I was the whore who was never tamed…ha ha
10.31.09 at 4:22 am
Asshole lessons are always interesting!
10.31.09 at 5:03 pm
I always ask ugly dudes for cigarettes, cause I know they won’t say no. Maybe this is just because I have low self esteem, but I would almost never ask the guy who I wanted to fuck the most for a cigarette..unless maybe if I was pretty sure we were going to anyways..
11.04.09 at 4:51 am
last time i checked this website was called http://viceland.com/ doyyyyyyyyy
11.04.09 at 8:35 pm
this genius piece of journalism was linked from a teenage virgin thread on 4chan/b/ ….vice is now cool again
11.06.09 at 3:11 pm
@hmm
haha i do the same thing.
11.09.09 at 2:43 pm