It’s TETs and if you’re scared about losing your job, you might want to look into some performance enhancing drugs. The New Yorker recently wrote about Adderall but what they forgot to tell you was how to get it. I recently got my prescription filled out for the word’s best super drug and here’s what I learned:
1. Go to a walk-in clinic in a shitty part of town. These doctors are used to real deadbeats and it will help your case.
2. Dress for success. The doctor needs to know you’re not an addict and won’t get him thrown in jail. Look like you have too much to lose.
3. Use buzz phrases and keywords. “I can’t concentrate” and “I sleep too much” are symptoms you can’t physically diagnose so who knows if they’re true.
4. Do your homework. You need to be able to speak doctor and use big words. It shows you aren’t just out to get high.
5. Tell him you’ve done it before. Yeah it’s illegal, but at least he knows you won’t overdose and have his license revoked.
6. Be aggressive. If he starts offering homeopathic solutions, don’t be afraid to tell him to fuck off and offer a real drug.
During your first visit, the doc will want to do a full physical. This is good because you haven’t had one in three years anyways and you might have super AIDS. If the tests come back clean, all you have to do is say:
“Look, I’m a healthy individual and my problems are of a mental nature. I’d like you to put me on a trial phase of 20-25mg of Adderall for month. Being a schedule 2 drug, I know this is a sensitive issue. Rest assured I don’t have an addictive personality and I just want what’s best for me. After the trial, I’ll come back here and make sure I’m still healthy. We can discuss how to proceed then.”
At that point, he’ll ask you how to spell Adderall and send you next door to the pharmacy. Tell him he’s “a scholar and a gentleman.”
Fuck – this article wasn’t funny at all. The more I try to be funny the worse it gets.
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i’m sorry cybercop, but i was wondering: why should we take adderall, again?
05.14.09 at 1:18 pm
TO GET HIGH AS HELL CAUSE THATS WHAT THIS SITE IS ABOUT, GETTIN HIGH HAVIN SEX WITH HIPSTERS AND DRINKING SHITTY BEER ALL WHILST LIVING IN YOUR 1600 DOLLAR A MONTH APARTMENT
adderall is a stupid fucking drug and an overwhelming waste of time due to the amount of hoops you have to jump through to get your hands on it just buy some coke and problem solved
05.14.09 at 1:22 pm
Fag. Adderall is the next Keffiyeh. All aboard!!!
05.14.09 at 1:26 pm
ha @ Tell him he’s “a scholar and a gentleman.”
05.14.09 at 1:29 pm
i kind of expected a yammering sophisticated article pinpointing the ups and downs of your journey for prescription narcotics but i can tell this was written under the influence of a hangover, and not said pills.
05.14.09 at 1:32 pm
hey cool… a smiley face
05.14.09 at 1:32 pm
this is terrible advice
why did you bother to write this
why would anyone bother to write this
05.14.09 at 1:36 pm
the bullet points are appreciated.
05.14.09 at 1:49 pm
I think it is a good idea to tell people that they are a “scholar and a gentleman”. Valets, CEOs, waiters.
05.14.09 at 1:49 pm
I love when people talk about Adderall in the media these days. Anyone who went to college in early 2000’s has already been so steeped in adderal culture that when we read articles like this, it makes us think of how out of touch the writers are.
05.14.09 at 1:49 pm
I’m just wondering how long before your denial and delusion can’t drown out the reality of your sad little addictive personality and you find yourself in rehab wanting to get better FOR REAL wondering, “How the HELL did I get here? I had it all figured out.”
05.14.09 at 1:57 pm
People need to lighten up and appreciate good funniness. That said, Child Soldier in Somalia is absolutely correct. In fact, to adderall insult to injury, you can swap out — albeit to somewhat lesser extent of permeation — “college” with “a suburban high school.”
Stuff like this is still funny though. If we talk about coke why can’t we talk about Adderall?
05.14.09 at 2:27 pm
if you dont know how to get your drugs, you dont deserve to be doing drugs.
05.14.09 at 2:30 pm
ninja please, i was gobblin up adderall in the mid 90s, that shit is hold hat.
For fun and games, convince someone to take an abnormally high dose, something like 50 or 60 miligrams, then film it as hiliarity ensues
05.14.09 at 3:14 pm
Can’t you just buy it online and save yourself a hassle?
05.14.09 at 3:19 pm
I’m naturally Adderalled. Beer and dope take the edge off nicely.
05.14.09 at 3:35 pm
05.14.09 at 4:19 pm
I’m high on life! : )
05.14.09 at 4:26 pm
DEXEDRINE.
Adderall = jellybeans for pussies.
05.14.09 at 4:29 pm
oh adderall, i couldnt of passed or stayed awake in high school without you, seriously waking up at 5 evey morning for a year just to have some one drone in your ear whilst you do 15 page term papers needs chemical assistance
05.14.09 at 5:28 pm
@drippy
i think you confused kiff and keffyeh…
05.14.09 at 5:49 pm
I actually might have super AIDS. I haven’t been to a doctor in like over 10 years and right now it feels like the bone in my right “ring toe” is trying to push its way out of my body. It kinda hurts, and I have no idea what the fuck would cause it. I tried googling “toe bone trying to push its way out” and that just turned up stuff about foot injuries. Unless I have been turning Brazillian in my sleep I’m pretty sure I’m not going out and playing soccer in the middle of the night.
More power to you for printing this even after coming to the conclusion that you didn’t think it was funny. You’re like a modern-day Billy Crystal.
05.14.09 at 6:42 pm
Whenever I think of Adderall, I think of my college years. Fond memories of passing and making a quick buck during Finals week.
05.14.09 at 6:51 pm
Awful. Do not go to the shitty end of town. Talk to the decent doctor who’s been seeing rich kids for the past decade and is used to prescribing drugs to the over-privileged. In NY State it gets tricky b/c for any schedule 2 drug – and that includes benzos like xanax, clonapin and that other one they give girls – they need a triplicate copy of the prescription, with one of those copies going to Albany, supposedly.
New York City was a tough nut to crack for pharmaceuticals, so you have to be ready to go to the bargaining table if you want adderall. You really need to say you’ve been on it before, you’re new in town and need to continue the treatment your last doctor had started, etc, etc. When they ask who your last doctor was, give them the name of a community center that sees people on a sliding scale. Those are the places that will see the uninsured, so in towns, community behavioral health centers are dealing to Mexican meth-heads all day and are too busy to get back to anyone. Since it’s not worth pursuing, and they’re not going to send a well-informed, obviously needy patient away empty handed – you get adderall. Don’t be an idiot though and ask for the 30XRs 5 times a day though. You’ll look like a crackhead. Start with the 15s and then work your way up.
The plus side is, they just made generic versions of the XRs a few weeks ago, so not only are you set for a $20 copay (or a sliding scale in which case it’ll probably be free), but they’re a little crackier than the normal ones and nicer if you’re just trying to get high, as opposed to get high and apply yourself. That said
I think I just wrote a comment longer than the article. 3 guesses as to what pill made me do it…
05.14.09 at 7:26 pm
didn’t read your comment
05.14.09 at 8:11 pm
Would all the enfant commenters please let the bandwagon roll on and quit saying, with that being said, that said and so on and so forth. You brain dead fucks jump on one phrase and ride that shit to the grave. Just letting you know because I know you WERE not aware.
05.14.09 at 9:16 pm
Drink shine and eat lead.
05.14.09 at 10:05 pm
@buck
Actually, a quick Google® search would have confirmed I didn’t. Best of luck to you.
05.14.09 at 10:32 pm
Kyle – good post!!
05.14.09 at 11:20 pm
wow kyle you got an @ reply from the BN
05.15.09 at 2:52 am
Christ you guys are losers. Years ago drugs were for getting completely fucked up and going on space trips with talking animals and whatever. How pathetic and spoiled are you morons that you need drugs to just stay awake.
05.15.09 at 5:40 am
@drippy :
dude that’s just a fucking scarf, not a side effect.
05.15.09 at 8:34 am
wooooahh… i already forgot what the article is about when I got down here…
05.15.09 at 9:09 am
@buck
Oh man. I was referencing trends, I didn’t think it was too obscure considering the forum. Got by you a bit. I’ll refrain in the future for your benefit.
05.15.09 at 10:19 am
thank you, thickness is one of my favorite features.
05.15.09 at 11:15 am
so, you knew the article was terrible and published it anyway? thanks!
05.15.09 at 2:19 pm
learned how to do this from an article in W magazine when I was like 13. did pretty much the same steps except for my parent’s health insurance paid for it, so if I ever needed to sell any it would be a 100% profit margin, which is a good bit of money when selling to rich suburban white kids.
05.15.09 at 11:52 pm
Fuck that weak shit. Give us some tips on how to get pain pills.
05.18.09 at 12:17 am
I have had a 3 month supply. Now that it is all gone and I can not get anymore from that sorce. Where in my town can i get hooked up?
06.19.10 at 6:20 am
French Ass Raper… wow. Weak shit? You say that, then imply opiates are STRONGER? Amphetamines is one of the most powerful stimulants known. One of the most powerful drugs, even. The fact alone that you’d rather be mindless and doped up off opiates so you don’t care or know shit instead of tweak just makes me laugh. Go huff paint instead, I hear it really kills. People, if you like adderall, try crank and meth, or even just regular speed. Much more powerful, and they’re street drugs, so you will have a much easier time getting ahold of them. Or, like me, you could get the adderall by bullshitting the doctors, then crush the beads inside and clean that shit with some acetone to make your own speed. From there you can make crank or dope if you’d like, but google a guide, I’m not writing one. One last thing, watch out when you’re messing with uppers just for fun, the risk of dependency is sky high, and the dope game is only fun for so long before it takes everything. It’s one hell of a rollercoaster that people seem to get right back on after they get off. Drink lots of water when you tweak, and eat what you can. Otherwise, within 15 years both your kidneys will be gone. — An experienced drugee
10.14.10 at 3:03 pm
And don’t think speed, crank, or meth are too hardcore for you if you take adderall, because the damned adderall is just as damaging and the same high. If you thought that when you read what I posted, just stop taking the adderall, because yes, you’re take the core component and main effect of crank and meth.
10.14.10 at 3:09 pm