Calender shot of Kimberly from Scarlett’s
When I was in high school my older cousin always told me I’d go through a stripper phase, and I was anxious for it to start. I held strippers on a pedestal because I grew up watching porn and they were the closest thing to porn I thought I could get. My obsession with clear heels and fishnets didn’t help.
It all started on Mother’s Day, 2006, when I fell completely in love with a Québécois dancer at first sight. The night ended with a 40-year-old Brazilian, affectionately named “Nazi,” who handed me her number and told me she’d show me how to fuck (my cousins told her I was a virgin; not true). I never called her, but I learned the tricks of the trade. You can either slide your way into fucking a stripper through one of three ways: 1) lots and lots of money, but this doesn’t always work; 2) drugs, but this is obviously risky; 3) stripper game.
Stripper game is basically the same game you use to pick up regular girls, but for some reason, it’s easier to be a jerk and spit suave game to a woman who’s naked. This is basically the Readers’ Digest version of what I learned from a former Cheetah’s bouncer and my cousins.
Lindsey from Cheetah’s being fucking metal
1. SPOTTING “THE ONE”
More often than not, as soon as you walk into a club, a particular girl catches your eye and you say, “Fuuuuuck, that bitch is bad,” and almost instantly every other slut in that place disappears. She may not come over to your table on her own, so if she’s on stage, go up and stuff a few bills into her g-string and tell her to come over to your table when she’s done. If you see her walking around, make eye contact and if she thinks you’re cute, then she’ll come over. If she just comes over and sits on your lap, step one is done for you. If she immediately asks you for a dance or tells you to buy her a drink, politely decline because this one is a gold digger who won’t give up the pussy. If she can carry a conversation, you’re ready for the next step.
2. PRETEND SHE HAS CLOTHES ON
I know this is tough considering you have big titties in your face and you can barely hold yourself back from gawking at sheathed titties, much less bare nipples a few inches away from your face, but this is key as every single guy who comes into that place is looking to get laid. For whatever reason, guys think because a woman is a stripper that she’re some sort of uber-sex machine. While you’re being a jackass and groping her tits during a dance, she’s thinking, “God, when is this fucking song going to end so this stinky faggot will stop touching me?” The less you come across as one of those guys, the better. Maintain eye contact! No staring at her tits or glimpsing at her pussy.
3. BE A GENTLEMAN
Again, you need to convey to her that you aren’t like every other loser in that place who’s just trying to bust a nut. Offer to buy her a drink and ask the same questions you would ask any other woman you’d meet. Don’t “spit game” because strippers are wise to that type of shit and will know you’re only trying to fuck them. Avoid giving her compliments on her appearance. Every dude in there has told her how perfect her tits are or how nice her ass is or how unbeef-curtainy her pussy is. Hot girls like to be told they’re smart, and smart girls like to be told they’re hot. That stripper sitting at the table with you is probably a goddamn buffoon, so follow suit with your complements.
4. ACT LIKE YOU GIVE A FUCK
This is an integral part of your game. I usually segue into this part by asking her why she’s stripping or how she got into it. Don’t worry about her getting offended. She knows damn well people look down on sex workers and that her job is seedy. I’ve yet to have a stripper tell me, “What you mean how’d I get into this?” It isn’t like asking a male nurse why he’s a faggy-assed nurse and not a doctor. The last girl I asked this to told me straight up, “I moved here from Germany to do real estate, but then the market turned to shit and I couldn’t find work, so I decided to give this a try.” This also leads into acting like you can get them a legit job somewhere normal, or that they’re way too smart to be doing what they’re doing.
Heidi from Diamond Dolls helping me lose all her money at the Hard Rock
5. NOT SPENDING MONEY
This takes some self-control and restraint. More often than not, she’s been sitting at your table with you for several minutes while her overseers are wondering why their hoe ho [Thanks, imyar] isn’t grinding on dicks and bringing more cash to the house. In case you didn’t know, those burly dickheads in suits standing around aren’t only there to throw out drunk bros. They’re counting dances and tallying how much their hoe has to pay the house at the end of the night when they cash out. So tell her to go in the back for a friction dance or champagne room, but the less money you actually spend on them, the better. If they’re ringing you like a human cash register, they know you’re a chump and you ain’t getting the pussy any time soon.
6. WHAT TO DO IN THE BACK
So you’re in the back room with her — what do you do now? Take the first song and let her dance. When she asks you if you want to continue, tell her yes but tell her to just chill and not dance and to consider this her break. If she INSISTS on dancing or suggests the champagne room, get the fuck out of there and go back to step one with someone else. She thinks she may be able to lure your chump ass into the champagne room to spend more money on her. If she says OK to just sitting and talking, you’re closer to getting the puss.
7. GETTING HER NUMBER
OK, so you’re still in the back and now you just continue the stupid banter with her that you started out on the main floor. Generally, they will say something along the lines of “Wow, you seem like a really nice guy. I thought you were going to try to fuck me or be rude.” This is especially true if you’re young. 99% of the time, they will offer you their number or ask you for yours. If she doesn’t automatically come out with that, tell her that you should hang out with her outside of work and go out sometime, and then she’ll offer. Be modest! Just act like this is natural and you can either keep sitting back there and bullshitting, or more often than not, she’ll suggest going back out to your table. She’ll feel bad for bilking a nice guy out of all his dough.
8. ENDING THE NIGHT
So if she comes back to your table, continue as you did in steps 2 and 3. Don’t stare at her on stage and watch her while she talks to other clientele because she’s gonna think you’re a weirdo or a stalker. Remember, she is going to be watching you. Keep being respectful to other dancers and do not take any into the back with you. She thinks that she’s somehow special now and will get pissed if you get any other private dances and will think you’re pulling the same shit on another girl. When you leave, don’t run up to her like a nerd and tell her good night. If she’s within eye-shot, give her a look and wave as you leave if she sees you. If not, then just leave. You don’t want to seem desperate.
—
If you’re not a total fuck up or ugly as shit, this will work. From here on out, treat her like any other girl you would call and go on dates with. The downside to dating a stripper is that when work is slow or they’re bored, they will call you and tell you to come to the club and hang out with them. This isn’t always a bad thing. I would always just sit at the bar and have a few beers and watch ESPN or order some food, and when they’re not on stage, they’ll come over and hang out. If her bosses figure out you’re dating, you may be barred from the club as they want to avoid jealous boyfriends fighting patrons. The upside is you’ll meet all her stripper friends and they’ll think you’re a nice guy, and you might get to fuck them too.
Also, they’re ALWAYS generous. I’ve had strippers take me gambling after work, help me with moving, treat me to nice dinners, buy me shoes, and so on. Don’t expect some sort of party animal lifestyle with them. They “party” for hours on end at work and when they’re off, they mostly just want to chill and watch movies and go to dinner and do homey, normal stuff.
So there you have it. All those nights you blew hundreds of bucks trying to lay a stripper and failed, now you know why. Take you new-found knowledge and use it well.
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They don’t like to party after work? Hmmm… Every “dancer” I’ve ever “dated” was a psycho coke-fiend who couldn’t stop partying and fucking all the time. It sounds great, but sometimes on a Wednesday night, all you wanna do is watch a movie and go to bed. Other than that, good read.
03.11.10 at 1:27 pm
http://katstories.tumblr.com/
stripper blog
03.11.10 at 1:42 pm
compl-I-ments they r diff werds guysssss
03.11.10 at 1:45 pm
spelling you moron
03.11.10 at 1:52 pm
It’s not “sex work,” it’s “prostitution.” Let’s call a spade a spade.
03.11.10 at 1:56 pm
great quote: “Hot girls like to be told they’re smart, and smart girls like to be told they’re hot.”
.. my overall question is, why would you ever want to date one in the first place? by following your steps you’re already out quite some cash just to get their number (let alone take them out), and if you ever do manage to fuck them, congrats, youve banged some fake-titted insecure cokehead who probably has a 2 year old mulatto..
03.11.10 at 2:19 pm
here’s what this post SHOULD say…
HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS:
1. Have Coke
the end
03.11.10 at 2:22 pm
It’s not “sex-work” it’s “the service industry”. She’s like a boner-waiter. This was a rad post, and it can be distilled down to “…hot girls like to be told they’re smart, and smart girls like to be told they’re hot.” Well said.
03.11.10 at 2:24 pm
i liked this. however, a ho is a ho and a hoe is a garden tool.
http://images.google.ca/images?hl=en&source=hp&q=hoe&gbv=2&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&oq=
03.11.10 at 2:36 pm
When I was in the army, all the guys in my platoon would go to this huge strip club in Colorado Springs and literally blow like 600 bucks in a single night. Any numbers they ever got were fake or disconnected.
Personally, while they were all off blowing their money trying to fuck strippers, I would go to the bowling alley and drink a ton of beer and throw a heaving fucking ball at things.
My chances of getting laid? About a 1000 times better than those clowns at the club.
03.11.10 at 2:41 pm
It’s also spelled “calendar.”
WordPress redlines this shit. Are you so fucking high you don’t even look at the words you’re typing?
03.11.10 at 2:47 pm
Judging by the looks of the “strippers” that you posted on here, it looks like you prey on the ugly ones. If thats the case, then yes it would be fairly easy to hook-up with a stripper.
p.s. did the girl’s nose in the casino pic look that big in the dark?? Do jews really strip? just a thought
03.11.10 at 2:56 pm
funny anecdote about the nose thing… i asked her if she was jewish because i was kinda thinking, ‘wtf jew stripper?’ and she said why i asked her that, and i told her she looks vaguely jewish and she told me “well i’m from germany, we dont have too many jews left there so i don’t know what they look like”
03.11.10 at 3:02 pm
Frisco, back in the day, if you bought a stripper a drink, the house would charge you $30 dollars for it. If you refused to pay, some goon would come out and make sure you payed. I used to be that goon, even though I couldn’t fight for shit. Luckily no one ever called me on my shit, i think it was the nice suits I wore. Not sure if they still do this, I always felt like a dick when I did it.
03.11.10 at 3:06 pm
I’m with Loozer Boozer… Most of those girls are total fucking cokeheads who got fingered by their uncles at 12, which means they PAR-TAY!!!!
03.11.10 at 3:23 pm
speaking of strippers and soldiers did anyone ever see “soldier’s girl”? that is one fucked up movie!
03.11.10 at 3:24 pm
Oh man, i can’t wait for the next installment: How To Get Waitresses To Bring You Food!
03.11.10 at 3:29 pm
Dating a girl with that low of a self esteem seems like a pain in the ass.
03.11.10 at 3:31 pm
the phone pictures are a nice touch
03.11.10 at 3:35 pm
“HOW TO PICK UP STRIPPERS:
1. Have Coke
the end”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YES.
03.11.10 at 3:44 pm
People, let’s try it and tell us how it worked for you.
03.11.10 at 3:47 pm
‘bear nipples’ i’m not really that into bears…i’m mean not in a sexual way at least
03.11.10 at 4:00 pm
Awwww, C Roco just beat me to “bear nipples.” I’ll settle for hassling Bolo about “payed.”
03.11.10 at 4:07 pm
the quickest way to fuck a stripper is…
give good “daddy.” most strippers get wet for daddy vibing guys.
03.11.10 at 4:12 pm
Forget stripper girls. Get a real cute girl that had to go an Assembly of God Church growing up. By the time they hit 16 they practically maul you. All that forbidden fruit bullshit…. HAHAHAHAHA
03.11.10 at 4:26 pm
in the past ive had friends that would consistently pick up strippers and I have a theory about it that I would like to call “the broken flag”. we all have flags/signs that others pick up on. why do you think duggies/drunks find each other? I think its the same with strippers. Most of the dudes that I have known that consistently picked up strippers are the folks that I pray dont reproduce.
03.11.10 at 4:36 pm
Oh man, i can’t wait for the next installment: How To Get Waitresses To Bring You Food!
HA!
03.11.10 at 4:53 pm
Lawl at imyar.
03.11.10 at 6:04 pm
You guys actually have to do that much thinking just to get some pussy? And isn’t that Heidi in the background of the Lindsey pic?
03.11.10 at 6:10 pm
thought about it some more, how is it that this site and its commenters are always ragging on “normal” chicks but somehow strippers are above that? If anything strippers are the most corniest shit out there. You might as well jack off to Pam Anderson photos or dream of fucking the whole cast of the hills.
03.11.10 at 6:26 pm
no that isnt her in the background. and ey fucker i jacked off to pam anderson pics for a while and i dream of an audrina, lc, kristin and lo orgy on a daily basis.
03.11.10 at 6:31 pm
LOL BEAR NIPPLES
03.11.10 at 6:36 pm
I’m sorry but that’s got to be the same person. Look at the teeth and nose plus the hair that’s the same but arranged differently in the separate pics.
03.11.10 at 6:37 pm
sorry but it isnt lol the girl in the top pic is like 5′4 and Heidi is like 5′9
03.11.10 at 6:45 pm
Nieratko wrote this article originally. A long time ago. It was funny.
And yes, he did say that coke is a must.
03.11.10 at 7:00 pm
Yo hyperbole I’m pretty sure Socrates wrote this article originally and he also implied the use of Cocaine.
03.11.10 at 7:23 pm
Dude, bear nipples are fucking hot.
03.11.10 at 7:28 pm
i’m not knocking this because i enjoyed it, but i’ve had more one-nighters than i care to remember and it was never this complicated.
from 24 to 30 i was a shitty radio DJ in a big city and even with my Z-list celebrity status i had 7’s and 8’s crawling up my crotch at every single bar. it definitely confused the shit out of me at first.
also, i don’t care what fat girls, hippies and people who can’t spell will say about this as you scroll down, but 90% of women will go home with anyone if he’s even 0.05% “famous” in their city. i was making 24K and fucking my brains out.
the real and cheaper method is to do anything that makes you even somewhat famous in your town and just watch what happens. i’ve seen it and lived it.
politely,
Henry.
03.11.10 at 7:39 pm
hey billy cox, how about you write a longer, shittier article next time?
03.11.10 at 8:00 pm
dude vane$$a busted yo azz. anyways these are all like 7s at most, what the fuck do i need advice to lay them for?
03.11.10 at 8:18 pm
dont encourage him.
03.11.10 at 8:21 pm
Oh, it’s IP Address.
03.11.10 at 8:29 pm
If “bear nipples” were in my face, I’d be shitting myself because a bear was about to eat me. Also, this article is based on what – a stripper gave you their number? But you never called? Weak.
03.11.10 at 9:00 pm
I thought that this was poetical . I mean think about it. You get to go to a strip club and justify it to your self. I gonna go and justify my self tonight.
great job Billy Cox. Great Job!
03.11.10 at 10:05 pm
Legit info.
Outcome looks somewhat iffy though.
03.11.10 at 10:10 pm
i would never, and i mean never, fuck a famous person. famous people are repulsive because their personalities are almost always such that they want, need, that fame and adoration. i much prefer relatively reclusive types who loathe being known by anyone other than people they have to interact with on a semi-regular basis.
in all honesty, i enjoy reading some people’s blogs and commenting anonymously but i cannot imagine putting my real name to anything read by random people clicking by. it would be like taking a shit in times square in broad daylight and asking for feedback.
03.11.10 at 11:10 pm
This is some cheesy-ass shit right here.
03.11.10 at 11:32 pm
There’s way too much thinking and not enough “why the fuck am I at home?” If anyone here actually left the house they wouldn’t be going over the pics with a fine toothed comb and would be trying to figure out if this actually worked. If you have an answer as to why you’re home you lied
03.12.10 at 2:06 am
It doesn’t take a “fine toothed bomb” to see that someone’s got some splaining to do. You look at one picture and you see what the people in it look like, then you look at the next one and do the same thing. If some of the people look exactly alike, you take note because that’s how the human brain functions. It’s not advanced calculus. And some people are at home because it’s home. That’s why it’s called “home.” Anything revolving around the sex industry is definitely not home, even when you’re taking part in it at home. That’s why we have a home. To get away from the things that aren’t home.
I bet nancies like you curl up and weep at the first sign of danger. Now go donate everything you have to an immigrant or something. Chump.
03.12.10 at 8:11 am
300 million people living in America and two people have the same hairstyle, it must be the same person
03.12.10 at 9:29 am
this seems like a lot of work. isn’t this the same amount of work, actually, involved in picking any girl up? why not spend that time and energy in a less gross situation?
03.12.10 at 11:03 am
that stripper blog sucks
03.12.10 at 11:06 am
how to pick up strippers via instructions over a website is a good idea because men will get it out of their system and be the best boyfriend ever after that goal is out of the way
03.12.10 at 2:56 pm
^ yeah, and a threesome too (with the strippers of course) Then he will be husband material faster then you can say done when using a hose to do the dishes.
03.12.10 at 6:33 pm
so basically what you’re telling us is that you hang out at strip clubs a lot. way to go, brah! you’re gettin mad play, son! and it’s obvious that that is the same girl in both pics, she’s got the same jew nose and smile. have fun at the strip club this weekend, be sure to write an article about the goings on there, let us know if you get any action in the champagne room, or get a friction dance.
03.13.10 at 4:30 am
lol not the same people you fuckin neckbeard
03.13.10 at 2:23 pm
This might work in Ottawa/Gatineau or other small towns but in big cities they usually write down the number of minutes you are in the back so they charge you anyways…the key is to do all the talking at your seat…
03.14.10 at 9:50 am
[...] these commenters will EAT. YOU. ALIVE. I mean, have you read Vane$$a’s work lately? Honestly, “How to Pick Up Strippers” was an excellent fucking read, but my man V’s all, “I see your How To List, and raise you this [...]
03.19.10 at 10:01 am
Thanks for the advice…Number eight, what a deal, don’t stare at her while she is working other clients because she make think you maybe weird or a stalker and don’t hang with the other girls cause “she’s watching you and will get pissed”, SNAFU’d catch22. Sounds like a real relationship. What a deal,where do I sign up ?
01.23.11 at 7:53 pm
im datin a stripper y wud u want ur gf to be doin that.it aint cool it suks shes fukn hot and all over guys who try to fuk her.if she gives her number out how wud u know other than look at her phone. by the way her stripper name is jersey
02.20.11 at 7:37 am