Me and the intensely pregnant Shannon Goad mere moments after my nine-hour craniotomy.
I still find it acutely painful to realize that many of you are not nearly as tuned-in and obsessed with my own existence as I am, and therefore I find it necessary to announce once again (since you might not care or know) that over the past ten days I endured two major epileptic seizures that neatly sandwiched a nine-hour surgery to remove a benign brain tumor the size of a fucking tangerine.
Major ANSWER Me! contributor Nick Bougas points at my sexually attractive scar.
Apart from the tremendous relief that comes with knowing I can now blame all past misdeeds on the tumor (surgeons say it had been blossoming for at least a decade, and my lawyer friend says it would have served as a complete defense in my criminal trial), I am also happy to announce that I didn’t receive any sappy-ass divine visions or experience the merest twinge of remorse for any of the salty ‘n’ spicy “opinions” I’ve foisted upon an unwilling world during that juncture. I still make as much sense to myself as I always have, with a major fringe benefit being my personality has improved in the way it only can when a racquetball-sized growth is forced to quit needling your brain’s impulse-control center. I feel lucid, charming, and ready to dance in the rain. I had never considered any of this possible. However, I knew that if any such event were to happen, I could not restrain myself from gloating about it.
The Johnny Wadd of brain tumors.
Here’s the type of guy I am: I can hear every gruesome detail about biting my tongue until blood gushed from my mouth as if from a faucet…I can listen to harrowing descriptions of my eyelids fluttering and my jaw askew all retard-like…I can sit quietly as my wife describes the ample vomit on which I nearly choked to death…and all I’ll fixate on is the personal flattery accrued from hearing that both teams of emergency technicians saw fit to comment on how unusually strong I am.
Sweet and vulnerable as a baby boy kitten.
About fifty steel staples are currently planted in my noggin in a toenail-shaped arc occupying most of my skull’s acreage. Indeed, I find it hard to believe that engineers could have fashioned a larger scar to fit on a human head. But while I stress over the temporary cosmetic inconveniences, my malignant ego is stroked by the fact that my wife thinks it looks sexy. Beyond that—FAR beyond that—they stitched up my skull so flippin’ tight, I have, in my late forties, received a facelift at no extra charge.
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good to have you back
06.13.08 at 11:52 am
You could have avoided 2.5 years in prison by having a catscan? I’m going to have all my clients scan their brain from now on.
06.13.08 at 12:01 pm
That last sentence was just too good for words! yeah ya do look younger there, the smile helps!
06.13.08 at 12:02 pm
Wow. Owen Wilson isn’t looking so hot these days. Butterscotch Stallion, indeed.
06.13.08 at 12:09 pm
Yeah this all just kind of grossed me out
06.13.08 at 12:42 pm
Was Capt Lou Albano your surgeon?
06.13.08 at 1:29 pm
Lou Albano? You fool! Don’t you know Academy Award winning actor Hugh Griffith when you see him ?
http://www.nndb.com/people/120/000063928/griffith-face.jpg
06.13.08 at 2:25 pm
Glad to hear you and your ego are in fine form. Now get back to opinioning, smartass. It’s been a bit dull here as of late.
06.13.08 at 2:50 pm
Sonofabitch. . . that skin do look awful nice. . . purdy mouth too!
Good to have you back, Jimbles. Hopefully the docs managed to cut the bitch out of your brain and leave the anger.
Many more happy birthdays to you, sir!
06.13.08 at 4:03 pm
I have no idea who you are (I know the brain story though), but, still, glad to know things went smoothly. Personally, I just don’t like acknowledging such situations because it makes me ponder on my own dwindling existence and all the pesky things that can just as easily grow in my head as well.
06.13.08 at 4:46 pm
I’m pretty sure that’s a third nipple and a second anus on the left side of your brain.
06.13.08 at 9:58 pm
man, that scar is SERIOUSLY sexually attractive!
06.14.08 at 2:55 am
Now you have material for your next Big Red Goad album. You gotta do another one of those!
06.14.08 at 8:02 pm
Glad ta see you made it ok. It must have sucked but check out the benefits.
1. You have a woman who got you to the hospital, stuck by you, and all the while shes HAVIN YOUR BABY…that’s dedication.
2. Like you said- free facelift. You look like your about 32 in these pictures.
3. And after a large scale analysis of these photos I have determined you do not have a Jew nose.
So you see…life ain’t so bad…when is The Encyclopedia of Race comin’ out?
06.15.08 at 7:39 pm
I’m crying and masturbating at the same time.
06.16.08 at 4:43 pm
Hey man, I ran sound for you in Indianapolis, once. Glad you’re not dead or anything.
06.17.08 at 1:43 am