When I die, could somebody please dump me into this river? Thanks!
I come from a tiny town in Northern Canada so when you’re listening to what I have to say about New York City, know that I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about. I’ve spent like, a week in New York. If you’ve been before then please don’t read this because you’ll probably get mad. If you haven’t, you should read this because it’s stuff big city people wouldn’t think to tell us.
STAY AT THE GREENPOINT Y, NOT CROWN HEIGHTS
Brooklyn is fucking big, people. Sacrificing location for a few bucks a night is NOT worth it. On my last night in Crown Heights, I had to walk through dozens of NYPD officers and past yellow police tape to get into my building. The cops gave me the same confused look I’d been getting from Crown Heights people all week and a cop asked me, “What’re you DOING here?” I told him that I was staying here, and he was genuinely shocked. He said: “GOOD LUCK WIH DAT.” A kid had gotten his brains blown out onto the street directly in front of my place an hour earlier.
In movies, they draw a chalk-line, but in real life they just leave the hat where it fell. After I snapped this picture, a lady from across the street started freaking out and screaming because she hates pictures.
Call the Greenpoint Y. You get your own private room and maid-service and little plastic cups and breakfast vouchers every morning for $40/night. The Bedford L stop is only a fifteen-minute walk. You do not need more than this.
Actually, you do need more than this. Chilled wine turns a dump into a palace.
SCREW YOUR PLANS
Go to The Lower East Side and the East Village. Get lost wandering on some Flâneur shit. If you need directions, just say: “which way is Avenue A?” It’s our first instinct as Canadians to start out real polite and say, “Sorry, I was wondering if you could help me out…” Cut the preamble. Polite intros are what homeless people do and New Yorkers appear to be sick of that shit.
BARTALK
When you go to bars in your hometown, you maybe walk around until you find somebody that seems interested. In New York, try the opposite: just grab a stool at the bar and observe. Try to ignore the fact that incredibly hot strangers on either side of you are drunk and are asking you about stuff. I’m serious. Don’t be embarrassed that you don’t know anything about anything, either. Keep saying “eh” and then apologizing. It’s way better than a fake Bronx accent.
In New York you WILL get hustled. Just when you think you’ve got all the scams figured out, this girl will suddenly not answer your calls and your favorite hat will be gone forever.
BOOZE + DRUGS = SEX
Try to spend all of your money on booze and drugs only. You will have way more fun this way. Buy lots of drinks for yourself and for your new New York friends until your funds are non-sufficient. The favor will be returned to you in fun. Spending lots of money on eating out is boring, selfish, and it gives you the shits. Don’t eat. Buy shots.
I was going to use a picture of myself at the bar surrounded by babes, but I don’t have any.
LAND OF OPPORTUNITY
Look at Google Maps for a second. Zoom right in. There are millions of ways to get lost, murdered, drunk, fall in love, etc. You can go missing very easily. Just open the door and start walking in any direction. With over 8 million people in the city (more hot girls than you’ve ever seen before) it’s kind of hard not to act like you’ve just escaped from prison. You might make people nervous with your sweating and your speed walking and your huge eyeballs. Actually, fuck it- that’s a great feeling.
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this is fucking inspirational, freal
08.13.08 at 1:39 pm
I was visiting some friends in the BK and went to this bar with a Buck Hunter, a photo booth, free cheetos, the drink special was PBR and a shot of Crown Royal, and the bartender was cool enough to order us the best friend chicken and biscuits I have ever had in my life. Fuck this Orange County bullshit.
08.13.08 at 2:20 pm
This guy still sucks. Enough of him.
08.13.08 at 2:35 pm
I think this boy is cute, and he is refreshingly un-jaded. so f the haters, kid. you rule for coming to the big a all by yourself (?) and making a go at it. if i ever see you out, you get shots from me.
08.13.08 at 2:48 pm
this kid must suck cuz thats the only thing that could explain his persistent reoccurrence. n enuough with the whole can’t -go-around-block-in -ny-with-out-gettin-stabbed/gang raped-by -the-homeless/dirty cops/BLACK PEOPLE . New york got the shit gentrified out of it. even my dear old assntittsburgh has a higher per capita murder rate. cuz murder is the only thing to do there.
08.13.08 at 2:50 pm
If you need directions, just say: “which way is Avenue A?” It’s our first instinct as Canadians to start out real polite and say, “Sorry, I was wondering if you could help me out…” Cut the preamble. Polite intros are what homeless people do and New Yorkers appear to be sick of that shit.
Thank. You.
I’m a New Yorker but I read this anyway. If the first thing out of a strangers mouth is anything but “Where” I will treat you like Swayze in Ghost. I’d like to be helpful to out-of-towners but I don’t need my eyebrows threaded, I don’t want your cd and I don’t have a quarter for you. Leave me the fuck alone.
08.13.08 at 3:02 pm
hey ew, he said he LIKED the idea of getting murdered. Canadian has free free health care, so the government is constantly bombarding us with SAFETY. we are sick of safety.
08.13.08 at 3:02 pm
jesus not this homo again..
08.13.08 at 3:08 pm
@lepke: I think that’s the Levy; nice place. don’t recall a photobooth but they have jenga and a pool table too. i only allow myself to go back every coupla months when my hair is different though; erm…whiskey aficionado.
@ew: yeah, mcHattan is really safe but there are still so many areas in brooklyn cool enough to have crime.
08.13.08 at 3:22 pm
With all of the discussion surrounding New York’s street crime, I’m curious to know how many of you “loud things frighten me, but despite my wimpy nature I moved to Brooklyn (but I’m not associated with the mass gentrification that I frequently complain about)” fellahs were born and raised in New York City.
08.13.08 at 6:52 pm
bitches, i live in philadelphia. ur “brooklyn” does not impress me. n dorkus, i have no idea what ur trying to convey to me, for i did not deny that ur macaulay culkin of the north was trying to get killed, im just sayin he could get the job done quicker else where. come to philly. i’ll volunteer.
08.13.08 at 7:20 pm
Take a Greyhound ride to Winnipeg
08.13.08 at 9:00 pm
A well done guide for first timers. I’ve been twice, and I co-sign the food being overrated. New York pizza is not the tongue orgasm its’ said to be. Better off with booze and pills. But do drink some water.
08.14.08 at 3:54 am
just got home from NYC this is exactly how my trip was!
08.14.08 at 4:12 am
i heard he’s a homo and he’s probably shacked himself up at the y for the showers
08.14.08 at 1:09 pm
he’s says northern canada because it’s the country north of the u.s. thunder bay is just across the border from duluth which is northern part of the u.s.
some logic you use there, kid
people think the kawarthas is north as well; even tho it’s just a hop skip and jump away from toronto
when you say northern canada you’d think you’d be more of a rugged toque wearing type of male archetype which you’re obviously not
you’re just a punkass little kid who prolly tries to pick up first years at the outpost and fails
08.14.08 at 4:32 pm
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08.14.08 at 4:59 pm
FUCK YOU philly
08.14.08 at 6:52 pm
Everything stated by “my two cents worth” is false.
08.14.08 at 9:19 pm
i dig this.
08.15.08 at 4:21 am
as a long time new yorker I have to say… good advice.
08.16.08 at 12:09 pm