What the author found shortly before his boner died
The only thing worse than feverishly looking for porn on the internet and finding a picture of yourself is googling sexy literature (you know, like some Anais Nin short story) and stumbling across some erogenous reworking of your young adulthood. When I found “Uniporn” a little piece of my scrotum had a heart attack, died, and went straight to Heaven.
Back in 2004, some keen individual had added my name to the illustrious roll-call of those hypothetically ejaculated upon, ushering me into the world of fan fiction. It was flattering, I’ll admit — I was joining the ranks of Captain Kirk, the Hardy Boys, and the cast of Wings, but it just wasn’t something I could deal with at the time. My eye caught a few choice phrases before I involuntarily clicked the tab closed and promptly joined the monastery, where I resided … until today.
Further reading, if you can handle it: the-uniporn.livejournal.com
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Gaaahhhhhh
12.10.09 at 11:15 am
You look good without a shirt on!
12.10.09 at 11:21 am
hahah wtf
12.10.09 at 11:34 am
Rule 34 in full effect here. Also, the line, “His throbbing member strained in his boxers, engorged with power,” is fucking amazing. ENGORGED WITH POWER!!!!!
12.10.09 at 11:37 am
Bizarre.
12.10.09 at 11:52 am
I also wrote something once about unicorns. ME!
12.10.09 at 12:00 pm
Best dialogue since Hemingway
12.10.09 at 12:16 pm
too bad they couldn’t write the author some muscles into that photograph.
12.10.09 at 12:18 pm
here is an actual comment from one of the stories:
“This entry is riddled with spelling, grammatical, and logistical errors!
How could Nick and Alden be ’standing in shock’ if Nick is also on the bed? Proofread! Also, review the difference between a colon, a comma, a semicolon, and a period.
You get a C-”
12.10.09 at 12:46 pm
I laughed, I cried, I came. thanks, Nick.
12.10.09 at 1:06 pm
That girl in the hot tub is really cute, but I do wish she had at least a handful of tit. Didn’t read it.
12.10.09 at 1:12 pm
you were googling sexy literature? who do you think you are, Ben Franklin or something?
12.10.09 at 2:45 pm
hahaha that was the most entertainingly written crap i have read in months.
12.10.09 at 3:48 pm
Is that Samantha Ronson getting rubbed down by Lohan and her jugs? Sweet.
12.10.09 at 4:57 pm
These had to be written by a professional comedian the actual stories are amazing, there is one part where their manager brings them to have sex with girls for the first time
12.10.09 at 5:17 pm
i have to admit to you nick, i had a dream we went on a date once, but then i woke up feeling really gross about it.
12.10.09 at 5:39 pm
lol irl. you are a brave man for admitting to reading these. i applaud you greatly for destroying the fourth wall of fandom. i have read some amazing fanfics – these here are not examples of them
12.10.09 at 6:11 pm
Who is this dude?
12.10.09 at 6:12 pm
That’s it.
I’m taking that second Unicorns LP out of rotation.
Gonna have to think about Thorburn being “punished” every time I hear it now.
12.10.09 at 6:22 pm
Okay there’s definitely some funny stuff in there. Thank you.
12.10.09 at 10:53 pm
omg sooo long
12.10.09 at 11:07 pm
“real men like us are into car maintenance and deep sea diving.”
I have to go wash my sweater now because its covered in snot and beer. Thanks.
12.11.09 at 8:01 pm
this is honestly one of the best pieces i have seen on this website in a lonnnng time. it made me lol over and over. hahah i cant imagine what went through your head as you read this fuckin shit about yourself… especially with the unicorn dildo
12.12.09 at 10:06 am
Nick looks like this dude I met in the psych ward. He thought he was Jesus.
12.12.09 at 1:02 pm
You know what gives me a hypothetical boner? The fact that Nick is actually really funny.
These have to have been written with tongue in cheek, though. Some of the lines are just too funny.
12.13.09 at 5:15 pm
This is funny when you’re high, not funny when you’re not.
12.13.09 at 6:48 pm