On Saturday, I went to this party in the middle of no where (Astoria, Queens). I felt really old there, like Auntie Tracie, because the other girls looked like they didn’t have their periods yet. Then I spotted the film crew, and was told that the kids I’d been talking to are the cast members of The Real World XXI, which is filming right now in Brooklyn.
So this party was thrown by the co-worker of my BFF, both of whom work for Viacom. The loft was in this huge commercial space, replete with a multi-stall public bathroom on the first floor. I was told that like 13 people live there, and I guess they supplement their income by throwing these parties and charging people a lot of money to get in. I heard that the discounted rate was $15, so who knows how much the full-price admission was. My friend was on the list, but I wasn’t, so I initially was told I’d have to pay to get in, which caused me to roll my eyes and do the phlegm-y, exasperated sigh. First time in my life that ever worked for anything, as I’d been using it for years—to get out of detentions, chores, picking movies to rent OnDemand—to no avail. But apparently it works for free admission to illegal hippie-raver loft parties.
When I say “hippie-raver” I mean that there was techno music blaring, people playing with blacklight hula hoops, some guy trying to match the beat with his bongos, and another guy inexplicably pounding on a cowbell. All I could think was, “Less cowbell. Less cowbell!” Also, there was a girl wearing a shirt that said, “Got Reggae?”
Anyway, so the kids from The Real World: from what I could tell, there was a normal, apple-pie girl (the one going out with the guy who lived in the party loft) who had a weird different name like Been or Bien or Bash or something; there was a queen-y, tall, black guy who was making a dramatic Blackberry phone call outside, presumably to one of the other roommates, saying, “Where are you!? I’m freaking the fuck out!”; an alterna-girl with styled, black hair who seemed to be short on patience and long on attitude; and there were a few diminutive, run-of-the-mill fratties with Gotti-boy hair.
There was another girl at the party that I initially thought was a cast member (the token whore-y roommate), but then I saw her signing a release form later in the evening and knew she was just a civilian like me. She was kind of awesome, because she had her tits on display, wasn’t wearing shoes, and was really into the hula hoops, and even got down on the ground, put one leg up in the air (despite the fact that she was wearing a skirt, or perhaps, because of it), and swung the hoop around her ankle. When she did that I could see that she was wearing nude hose, and they were all dirty and black on the bottom.
In the smoking room of the house, I made small talk with people I didn’t know because no one else would go in there with me. It was in there that I met a guy named Ron, who couldn’t have been older than 21, if that. He said he’d been cast for the next season of The Real World, and the producers invited him out tonight to see how he interacted with others and to meet the current cast. I don’t know how true this story is, because he also told me that he had chugged two cans of Sparks on his way to the party.
I was like, “Oh, is your tongue orange?”
And he was like, “What?”
And I was like, “Is your tongue stained from the Sparks?”
And he was like, “Sparks is orange?”
And I was like, “Duh. Stick out your tongue.”
And it totally wasn’t orange. However, he did have his tongue pierced, which I heard is supposed to make blow jobs feel really good, so I guess he’s not entirely a pussy. But he didn’t drink any Sparks, much less two cans of it. I’ve been to parties that Steve Aoki DJ’d back in 2004, where the free Sparks flowed like my period on Day 2. So you can’t pull the wool over my bloodshot eyes, Ron. Although, the fact that I cared enough to get into a pointless, victor-less argument over Sparks made me feel young all over again. If not egregiously immature.
I think the best thing that Real World Ron told me (besides the fact that he’s “very stoked” to be cast on The Real World, because he’s “always wanted to be on that show [his] whole life”), was that he had done two Jäger bombs before he got there. He pronounced “Jäger” with a hard “j.”
Here’s some footage of The Real World girls hula hooping.
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STREET BONER 1321
Not sure what kind of voodoo mojo this guy is using but he just made a pile of gay shit look badass.
STREET BONER 1319
All Tomorrow’s Parties is a great place to see people passed out on couches while their favorite band plays down the hall.
Bad Behavior has blocked 2385 access attempts in the last 7 days.
Those guys look like schmucks.
10.13.08 at 4:20 pm
gay.
10.13.08 at 4:21 pm
GHEY!!!
10.13.08 at 4:39 pm
Profound.
10.13.08 at 4:44 pm
omg this is the stupidest bunch of fucks ever…wow…mind blown…get the fuck out of brooklyn you pieces of shit…go back to Ohidaho or what ever the middle part of america is called.
10.13.08 at 5:25 pm
GHEY x2
10.13.08 at 5:40 pm
this is a joke, right?
10.13.08 at 5:42 pm
It’s called Iowa, shithead.
10.13.08 at 7:38 pm
Real World: Intervention
Now that’s the direction MTV should take this insipid bullshit. Must be attractive, homeless (at the time of casting), and possess a fiery addiction to one or more of the following items: booze, cocaine, pharmaceutical downers and uppers, codeine cough syrup, pornography. I’ve left out a few goodens for the sake of liability. And fuck, Brooklyn? It couldn’t be beyond MTV’s soul withering gaze to notice that what they’re doing is complete overkill; the place doesn’t need an extra dash of douche. Pick an awkward and uncongenial city like Tacoma, WA.
10.13.08 at 7:51 pm
Whats the “real world”?
10.13.08 at 8:48 pm
Tracie get the fuck back in here it’s time for your cunt shunt
10.13.08 at 9:20 pm
I love hula hoops and camera crews.
fuck.
10.13.08 at 10:48 pm
tracie egan you looked amazing in the last episode of pot pschology. really good, the hair everything, whatever. not so much a beret fan, but apart from that, yup, i definately would etc.
10.13.08 at 11:21 pm
cock breath.
10.13.08 at 11:57 pm
gotta love all the midwest transplants who make up 90% of Brooklyn’s white community these days bitching about douchebag cliches taking over “their city”
10.13.08 at 11:58 pm
my day of processing support suite tickets was definitely a better time than this awesome party.
10.14.08 at 12:39 am
REAL
10.14.08 at 2:13 am
That guy in the red’s dance is the fucking worst worst worst.
10.14.08 at 4:27 am
Two period gags. Sweet.
10.14.08 at 7:02 am
Christ, what a horrible party. And Sex Crimes in the red hoodie wasn’t helping anything.
10.14.08 at 9:21 am
I second Cap’N Glitterfuzz’s idea!
10.14.08 at 10:23 am
You were dooped. This is not the cast of the Real World Brooklyn! What a joke!
10.14.08 at 11:05 am
Oh, and in case you haven’t heard or seen (check out vevmo.com) there is no black guy cast on this season of The Real World.
10.14.08 at 11:07 am
i looked at that site. i don’t know the validity of it, because they have 8 roommates listed and there are only ever 7 roommates on the real world. however, three of the kids in this picture were def at the party: sarah, the alterna girl; baya, the girl with the weird name; and jd. you can see both baya and jd in the video above.
http://vevmo.com/f56/real-world-brooklyn-group-photo-2103/
10.14.08 at 11:11 am
There are eight roommates this year, not seven. Yes, you can Baya in the video but the emphasis was on the blonde chick with the hula hoop. She is not a cast member, and niether is said black guy talking on the blackberry. And the “run of the milll fratties with gotti-boy hair” – not part of the cast. As for Ron, as with the Sparks, he was full of it. No one has been cast yet for season 22.
Just info from an insider trying to keep it real. There will be enough people backtracking and eating their words when the show airs. Didn’t want you to be added to the list. Again, there are 8 this year and not 7.
10.14.08 at 11:58 am
you know what, maybe n.y. just isn’t as cool as some of you ny natives think it is.. one always hears fucking ‘real’ new yorkers bitching about how non-natives are making your city suck…how about this…the seventies and eighties are long gone, and your city is a rich shithole for yuppies…if i want original art/culture/friends, n.y.c. is the last fucking place i would look, fuck you very much!
10.14.08 at 12:22 pm
or am i wrong?
10.14.08 at 12:30 pm
No, not fussy. You’re absolutely correct.
10.14.08 at 1:16 pm
That music is shit-awful.
10.14.08 at 3:03 pm
I really want this season of The Real World to be awesome, but I don’t know what to expect. The show has all sort of blended together in my mind, and it’s really easy to make fun of it to the point that I can no longer take any of it seriously. So here’s hoping this season can make me a believer again.
10.15.08 at 12:32 am
Euthanize anyone who cares anything about any of this.
10.15.08 at 6:10 am
real world has always been annoying but i have an even deeper level of contempt ever since they stopped casting black women opting instead for a ‘mix’.
10.16.08 at 4:51 am
“where the free Sparks flowed like my period on Day 2″.
I need a women who says funny shit like that.
11.13.08 at 4:01 pm
hilarious that black bitch looks like the tranny. That wig, all that make up and the fake boobs, dumb pageant hoe. She tries to act all proper and stuff. this is a mess…please cancel this season….wait when was she miss america teen she’s not on their website….fake
01.09.09 at 2:10 am
hilarious that black bitch looks like the tranny. That wig, all that make up and the fake boobs, dumb pageant hoe. She tries to act all proper and stuff. this is a mess…please cancel this season….wait when was she miss america teen she’s not on their website….fake
01.09.09 at 2:10 am