This 25-year-old Park Slope fuckhead was trying to give me advice:
“Spare the rod, spoil the child,” he said to me, as my kids ran around our living room like psychopaths.
This guy had spent the whole afternoon telling me all the things we were doing wrong with house and home, money, politics, religion, the food we ate – and now he had moved on to our parenting abilities.
This is what Orthodox Jews are like, especially black ones.
Apparently, his recommendation on this issue was that I smack the shit out of my kids to control them so that they’d stop annoying our childless guests (a.k.a him and his ugly fiancé)
There’re two problems with his suggested strategy:
1) Black people are always bragging about how our parents beat the shit out of us when we were young, about how OUR parents would have “whooped they ass” if we had acted the way “kids do now.”
My retort is only this: With 10% of young black males in prison, should black people really be glorifying our parents’ child-rearing strategies?
2) Letting my kids run around the room like psychopaths was only part of a greater strategy: See, we were about to strap the kids in for dinner, and if you do that shit before they’ve let off steam, you wind up with meatsauce on the fucking walls.
The fact is, childless people giving parenting advice are a lot like the idiots who scream at A-Rod from the bleachers:
“HIT THE FUCKIN BALL, are you fuckin RETARDED?!”
WELL the thing is, genius, it’s a lot fuckin harder than it looks: A-Rod knows he’s supposed to hit the ball- anyone can just SHOUT the concept – it’s the execution itself that makes A-rod worth 80 mil.
Let’s see YOUR ass get up to home plate with rockets screaming past your head at 95mph and spoiled brats tugging at your shirtsleeves and spilling coffee on the powerbook and getting into the weed and THEN see how much that perfected idealist strategy actually buys ya.
Regardless, after some more expert pointers like “Hey Blognigger I think Sammy needs a tissue!” and “Hey Blognigger, you can’t see from where you’re sitting but it looks like Sammy’s shoe’s on fire” – the kids finally got to bed and this douchebag and I went outside to pick up some Chinese food.
(Recession pointer: Tips for Chinese delivery guys are like ATM fees – they’re a scam revenue stream created by the worldwide jewish conspiracy and you should be avoiding them. Just call ahead and order your general Tso’s for pick-up – You will save 1000$ a year by going to pick your shit up from the chinks directly.)
So on the way to the restaurant, this guy got into his male bonding stance, telling me this-and-that about how much his fiancé was being a pain in the ass about arranging their wedding, how he’s sure gonna miss boning hot chicks, yada yada yada.
Finally, like a turd & a shitball shaped into an exclamation point, he punctuated his gay little routine by letting rip a nauseatingly wet fart.
Male bonding: we don’t give a shit about farts, guy, amirite??
Actually, I do. I don’t KNOW you son, and you fuckin fart in my face? Even my old school homies feel awkward doing that shit – it’s been 20 years since highschool.
“Oh man,” he goes, That’s been building up for days.
“WELL hahaha, I hear ya,” I said. I’m manly like that, NIGGA.
“Lemme ask ya somethin blognigger,” he stooped, deciding that now that we were in private he could throw me a bone by asking my advice to give me a little token elderRespect, “How do ya handle this: I am completely UNABLE to fart in front of my fiancé.”
I stopped in my tracks and looked at him.
“You being serious right now?”
“What?”
“Are you being serious?”
I looked at him with a deadpan christopher walken glare, like he had just told me he was on the Ten Most Wanted List, or already married, or gay.
“hahahah,” he laughed nervously.
I didn’t react. Instead, I looked ahead and continued to walk without giving an inch of levity.
He laughed, trying to break my ice, but I did not respond. My eyes remained focused on the sidewalk.
“hahaha, what, it’s that serious, huh? Gotta be able to fart in front of them, right?”
I didn’t answer. I kept a pace that was measured but constant; I did not walk away from him, but I did not alter my velocity in relation to his progress.
He kept up with me, baffled, alternating between laughter and silence, trying to will me into breaking character; but when the “joke” had gone on for what was clearly too long, he started to sweat.
“What’s your problem?” he finally blurted.
I didn’t answer.
We got back to my house with the Chinese food, and stepped inside the foyer.
In the silence of that small space, we looked at each other. The faint sound of children surfaced in the distance.
“Do the right thing,” I said. “You have got to call this fucking wedding off.”
Serious as a heart attack.
“hahaha,” he bluffed, and then buckled down: “What the FUCK are you talking about?”
I didn’t answer, and we walked inside the house.
The ladies had set the table, and we unpacked the food. I was pleasant to my wife and his fiancé, but I wouldn’t make eye contact with him.
Once everyone had flattened beds of rice onto their plates and had begun to scoop meat and vegetables onto them, I broke my silence.
“I think Roger has something to tell you,” I announced.
Again he laughed, now hoping that our renewed company with the females would re-invigorate his strategy of denial.
“Are you going to tell her,” I asked, “or do I have to?”
“Dude, what the fuck are you talking about?” he said, and raised his “so-nu” hands like a black Jackie Mason. This time, he had the confusion of the ladies to back him up.
“How the FUCK,” I asked, and he looked at me like – what the fuck are you doing? – PLEASE no – “…do you expect to be in a relationship with someone, let alone a MARRIAGE if you’re lying to them in a FUNDAMENTAL sense.”
“What!?” said his fiance.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” said he.
Heated confusion steamed from his woman, as did anger from my wife.
“Somebody has got to tell you this Betsy, and I love you enough to do it: You two do NOT know each other well enough to get married.”
I threw my scooping spoons onto the plate, the loud -chink- punctuating my own righteous statement, like John Hancock signing the order to nuke Iran.
My cousin got offended. GOOD. I MEANT that shit. Marriage is fucking FOREVER and unmarried people have NO IDEA what the fuck that means. It is the LONGest goddamn experience you can imagine. It makes chemotherapy look like an orgasm. You are up against 2 to 1 odds here, and if you fuck up you’ll damage your children and be 50% poorer for the rest of your life.
You cannot enter into this shit until you have:
-fought with each others’ parents
-been to the hospital with each other
-seen each others’ doody
-taken a clump of her period-soaked discharge-laden public hair out of the drain
-Sat in front of her on the couch with your shirt off and squeezed your belly flesh together so that she has to view the Hairy Bagel
-talked about which lies you want to tell your children
-talked about whether if you have a boy you’ll cut the tip of its dick off
-talked about Christmas and America
-disclosed whether either of you is gay
-broken up and gotten back together or at least been on the ropes
-Picked your nose in front of her while listening to her boring stories
-made a joke about her grandma blowing you
-Lived with her and seen what a cunt she is
-…and the fuck FARTED in front of her MANY fucking times.
And FARTING is the perfect acid-test representative organism for all of these pre-requisites: the fart is a simple gesture, seemingly unimportant, yet perfectly symbolizing the honest humanness that lets us stand stark naked in our vows.
We are universally flawed, and to deny this is to base the crucial covenant of marriage squarely on a lie.
The FART is the opposite of sex, but it is just as important. It’s an expression of honesty that you are only human – an honest warning to your lifemate that while you forsake all others before her, she cannot expect more than is possible from any human being. She MUST KNOW you are human.
This couple they got married; and they had to invite me to the wedding because that fat pig happens to be my cousin. I was there at the wedding, making psychotic eye-contact with the groom wherever I could, like Phil Collins when he knew that nigga had let the other fool drown.
This couple they got married; and when they get divorced, I’ll be there, waiting in the wings. Spare the rod, spoil the child, Dr. Jones. Spare the balls, spoil your life.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4385 access attempts in the last 7 days.
Mmmmm…a nice juicy BN post, right in time for my lunch break.
11.04.09 at 1:05 pm
Your prose at the end makes this one of the best of all time.
Bet you still need to reel those kids in though.
11.04.09 at 1:11 pm
BN= sage like nigga
11.04.09 at 1:15 pm
*slow clap*
11.04.09 at 1:19 pm
“-taken a clump of her period-soaked discharge-laden public hair out of the drain
-Sat in front of her on the couch with your shirt off and squeezed your belly flesh together so that she has to view the Hairy Bagel”
best advice in this world. great post.
11.04.09 at 1:35 pm
You’re my BN.
11.04.09 at 1:39 pm
Blognigger, you’re like the white Dr. Phil.
11.04.09 at 1:41 pm
i fully agree but you’d be amazed how many marrieds there are who have never done many of the things on your list, and still they’re together.
11.04.09 at 1:44 pm
Spare the balls, spoil your life.
brilliant. i also have this to add http://raymitheminx.com/?p=16244
ps. fat fuck baseball heckling tards need to drown in front of me.
11.04.09 at 1:46 pm
Completely true. If only you were that guy who has to talk to every couple before they marry. But no one listens to anyone ever. Bathroom issues are totally not the opposite of sex, though. They become the same in love. When you accept someone forever, things like blowing your load on occasion after two thrusts is funny, and even a joy, not a problem. Same thing with simultaneous burrito aftermath. I don’t pick my nose, though, whether I’m alone or in love. That’s what tissues are for. That’s gross.
11.04.09 at 1:46 pm
testify
11.04.09 at 1:47 pm
I rip farts around my broad and this article is great…but what’s the deal with not being able to fart around your friends? That’s just as weird as not being able to fart around your fiance.
You go into all this detail about why its fundamental to be able to fart around your wife, yet you can’t muster one out around your buddies? Come on. No friend is going to drop your ass for farting unless they are pathetic losers. Actually, thats a great way to determine which friends are in fact, pathetic losers. Rip farts. If they comment in disgust or with awkwardness they’re gay/psychotic, and you probably have no business kicking it with them anymore.
11.04.09 at 1:52 pm
This marriage thing becomes that less appealing every time I hear someone talk about it. Laissez faire flatulence is nothing but a mile marker on the road leading to loafing around on the couch while all of your friends are out because you can’t……OH GOD HONEY COME IN HERE QUICK 30 ROCK IS ALMOST ON CAN YOU BRING ME THOSE CELERY STICKS THAT ARE IN THAT SMALL TUPPERWARE CONTAINER IN THE FRIDGE?
11.04.09 at 2:08 pm
^^hahahaha and yet sad.
that’sdead-on for many of them and i do mean dead.
11.04.09 at 2:14 pm
Farting is CRUCIAL. Well said.
11.04.09 at 2:23 pm
Here are the ones I did before getting married (12+ years so far, 3 kids)
YES-fought with each others’ parents
YES-been to the hospital with each other
YES-seen each others’ doody
YES-taken a clump of her period-soaked discharge-laden public hair out of the drain
YES-Sat in front of her on the couch with your shirt off and squeezed your belly flesh together so that she has to view the Hairy Bagel
NO, should have-talked about which lies you want to tell your children
NO, european-talked about whether if you have a boy you’ll cut the tip of its dick off
NO, european-talked about Christmas and America
NO-disclosed whether either of you is gay
YES, GOOD ONE -broken up and gotten back together or at least been on the ropes
YES-Picked your nose in front of her while listening to her boring stories
NO-made a joke about her grandma blowing you
YES-Lived with her and seen what a cunt she is
YES-…and the fuck FARTED in front of her MANY fucking times.
I will also add cleaning her vomit from my car. Thanks for this
11.04.09 at 2:37 pm
i fuckin’ love you guy, but i just realized two things: you’re a fag about your kids (know how to get them to not make a mess at dinner without letting them run around like a fag? beat them, and send them to bed without dinner). and you’re fucking cheap (can’t afford to tip? make your own damn food, and deliver it to your own cheap ass).
the rest, as usual, was perfect.
11.04.09 at 2:56 pm
Decent. Doing a pro-fart piece for this crowd is pretty much like trotting A-Rod out on the softball field, though.
11.04.09 at 2:58 pm
Hm. Thought provoking.
11.04.09 at 3:03 pm
If this was SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON PLATFORM I could read it again . PLATFORM rocks.
11.04.09 at 3:12 pm
making more sense of our lives everyday
11.04.09 at 3:12 pm
“Black Parents”, huh? Sure that’s not a typo? I think you meant to use the singular there
11.04.09 at 3:39 pm
no shit we’re only human, my wife doesn’t need to see mine to know that.
11.04.09 at 3:40 pm
farting in front of your wife is a mere cunt hair away from asking her to shit on your chest. maintain some decorum, man! nah, just kidding. finger her ass while you’re eating her out, too.
11.04.09 at 3:44 pm
I live in Williamsburg off bedford. The next time you visit Gavin please come fuck me thanks
11.04.09 at 4:18 pm
yo. what the fuck son!
and this is why i think i am on confirmed bachelor status.
marriage and relationships dont sound like the perks are with it.
then again being a lonely old fuck doesnt sound like the perks are worth it.
what to do, what to do.
when i think about marriage and relationships I think about the need women have to nest. and what is nesting really? its fucking sitting around doing nothing and talking about nothing. god almighty! i get shitted on for calling this out, but its true, I would much rather sit around by myself, making art or out and about instead of just wasting away so my bitch can feel like she has accomplished something. NO FUCKING WAY.
for the record I am a gassy motherfucker and I have never ever farted in front of any girlfriend. I get weirded out about my own farts when I am alone. like “you gross motherfucker! couldnt you have had a few shots of beano with your alcohol/food/coffee?”
11.04.09 at 4:57 pm
I think I love you, blognigger.
11.04.09 at 5:05 pm
haha! Dereck you are reduceing to farting joke anymor. haha! Old jokks abbout marriage is not trried and true, it is jsut old like Shang Dynnasty.
Ridlle: Are you hearing the one about the the man with a fat wife?
Punch line: No that her was mans cow.
At least Mr. Gavvn wa s”biestg hit” with naked peopples/womans and pornegraphy.
From Preck!
Ps please taking my wiffe!
11.04.09 at 5:07 pm
u dont like park slope then move.
11.04.09 at 5:14 pm
I always fart on the first date. It’s a great litmus test like you say.
11.04.09 at 5:26 pm
i bust my ass all the time training and I also eat terribly, so I’m farting all the time.
Usually I’ll last about 3 weeks with a girl on holding out/being uncomfortable before letting it go unabashedly, as a courtesy. After that though, let a few go casually and see
Most girls are pretty cool with it though, and think it’s funny, and honestly, do you really wanna date a girl who doesn’t think farting is hilarious?
11.04.09 at 5:38 pm
Who is Arod?
11.04.09 at 6:13 pm
i’ve farted on first dates and some guys didn”t take kindly to it which made it about 100x more fun.
11.04.09 at 6:15 pm
Masterful.
11.04.09 at 6:16 pm
im too white and too lazy to read all of this
11.04.09 at 6:34 pm
Farting contributes to global warming. Not cool.
11.04.09 at 6:55 pm
On the money.
11.04.09 at 7:49 pm
You are my Blogbrother!
11.04.09 at 8:58 pm
as soon as I was married my in-laws started farting in front of me. Even my mother-in-law would fart, laugh, and blame it on the dog.
11.04.09 at 9:23 pm
just Maximum fucking Overdrive.
11.04.09 at 10:46 pm
Y IS ALL U ADVICE SO ( LITERALLY) SHITTY!!!!!!!!!! farting should not become the norm in any relationship. No one should ever fart in front of their significant other more than 2 times a year, and both of those times have to be accidental and really fucking hilarious, like during the moment of silence during a funeral or an awkward pause during a fight. also: yay, preck is back!!!!!!!!!!
11.04.09 at 10:56 pm
sounds like BN was just pissed at his cuz when he got called out for letting the kids act like little heathens in front of the guests. an etiquette no-no.
this post should have been about the less obvious (and more interesting) theme of “self-righteous parents who lash out because they don’t like being told that their kids are fucking brats and aren’t being properly parented.”
instead we got the fart edition of “make sure you really know your spouse before you get married. marriage is hard.” fucking duh.
let’s be real, BN isn’t the most introspective man in the world. but sometimes he spreads the butt-cheeks of illusion to reveal hidden dingleberries of truth. this wasn’t one of those times.
when all he does is talk about raunchy shit on top of obvious shit, it’s tedious.
11.04.09 at 11:59 pm
tight tight shIt here.
Wait, BN isn’t the most introspective guy in the world? The guy writes a weekly column airing his most personal baggage in front of the biggest assholes in the world. Who’s more introspective, you?
11.05.09 at 12:15 am
The first time my boyfriend farted was when we were sleeping. It wasn’t a big deal fart, but it was gas, and still funny…….because he was asleep.
11.05.09 at 1:25 am
if you fart in front of a woman and she doesn’t leave you, she’s a whore
11.05.09 at 2:17 am
@ flynn : yo mom is a whore then…
11.05.09 at 4:43 am
Couldn’t really read past Chinks. Call yourself a nigger if you want but it doesn’t mean you can call other people chinks, or spics.
11.05.09 at 5:19 am
@London psycho
But you read past the word ‘faggot’ in the title? I see how it is.
11.05.09 at 6:13 am
Right on, BN. Looks like Annie and I are have the human qualifications to get hitched.
11.05.09 at 8:11 am
sending this to my fiancee. We mostly pass the (gas) test, though she refuses to fart in front of me. Doesn’t mind too much if I do, but I’ve never been too fond of farting anyway. My previous wife had such bad gas, it was kind of disgusting.
The thing is, if you really love a person, then all of those things in the list (bloody pubes, fights, etc.) aren’t that big a deal. And if you really don’t love a person, then no matter how well you put up with all those things (farts, etc.), there’s nothing that can make that relationship last. Seems obvious, but I forgot it, so there’s a word to the wise.
11.05.09 at 11:30 am
After you have kids, nobody gives a shit about anything anymore.
This is America. We pay good money to not give a fuck.
P.S. Preck made a funny, like Hide-a-Key Matt-Sushi. Haha, Brogniggle typed “chink”.
11.05.09 at 1:50 pm
@Arod
I think it’s natural to be homophobic, and to call out acts of faggotry. I don’t think faggot necessarilly means “homosexual” as much as it means someone who takes it up the ass (metaphorically). Not all gays take it up the ass anyway.
But yeah. Don’t call people chink in your article where you’re publishing anonymously, and I can’t catch you a beat down for saying it. And if you’re the editor you’re equally in the wrong.
11.05.09 at 3:14 pm
-talked about which lies you want to tell your children. This is classic.
I agree that cleaning up each other’s barf should go on the list.
11.05.09 at 3:58 pm
yo London Psycho
You are at once the most hypocritical and confused poster I have ever seen here, and the bar is pretty low.
Streetcarnage and Blognigger will destroy you – because you are a PC Chink Jew Nigger Faggot who can’t laugh at himself. Political correctness is a disease, and blognigger is doctor muthafuckin house.
get. bent.
11.05.09 at 4:53 pm
If you aints farted in front of each other, you aints having the butt love.
Aint no lady what can keep the gas in the chamber after more than 4 minutes of the butt love. And whatchu gonna do when she let one slide out, all up in the direction of your face while you looking down at her cello-shaped back n’ ass and adjusting your rod?
The GENTLEMANLY thing to do is let one rip too. Let her knows it alright.
And shit, if you aint stickin it in the rears, you aint got no reason to be getting marrieds.
11.06.09 at 12:57 am
I get terrible gas at night. When I wake up it smells like my room is full of spilled colostomy bags. My girl doesn’t seem to mind – she doesn’t LIKE my farts but she tries to see the good in them. She says that my farts “keep her warm”. During a prolonged absence, she even told me that she missed my farts.
So yeah, it just goes to show – none of that shit matters when you’re in love. Love is about accepting one another unconditionally. If you can’t bring yourself to fart around your fiancee, then I agree with Brogniggle – drop the wedding ring before anyone gets hurt.
11.06.09 at 4:10 pm
Hey BN how you been.
You forgot to mention the biggest reason why seeing the wife’s semi-grossness is important.
Because the biggest wretch-filled time in marriage comes while watching the ‘miracle’ of birth.
There’s that moment….your girl just squeezed out a wiggling, screaming object the size of a spaghetti squash out her hoo-hoo. There’s blood, poop, goo and other indescribable semi-solid ectoplasm all over the floor and walls. Oh, don’t forget the smell…
When it happens your mind is going to ask you one question:
How am I ever gonna stick my pencil sized dong in that big, floppy hole again?
Geez, I wish it was 1950 so I could have spend that time in some waiting room drinking booze and smoking cigs.
But, if you’ve already cleaned up her pubic hair, vomit, poop or other effluvium, then you get over it and move on. If you cant bear to do these things in the early stages, you are going to run after seeing birth.
And just you wait until you see what comes out of the baby. That’s when you learn that the ‘miracle’ of birth was just basic training.
And BTW – despite all this, I have another kid on the way.
11.06.09 at 7:13 pm