When I was 8 years old Lee Gratton told me you can do whatever you want to your wife. “Anything” he said. “You can go up to her when she’s making breakfast and say ‘show me your tits’ and she has to do it.” We were behind the portables looking at a frozen Penthouse and I remember thinking, “The first thing I’m going to do when I get a wife is put my face in her vagina and just inhale.” I didn’t know what eating out was when I came up with that notion. I barely knew what a cunt was. But I did know I want to inhale it. Inhaling my wife’s cunt is still one of my favorite things to do. Those feelings I had were totally accurate and I had no idea how tip of the iceberg my feelings about marriage were back then. However, when I met my wife I had already banged literally hundreds of bitches.
What about two generations ago? Can you FUCKING IMAGINE how horny they were on their wedding day? The vast majority of men (women didn’t even know what horny was back then) had not been laid up until that night. Hearing that sermon must have sounded like the specials (not the band but what the chef made that day – am I the only one totally incapable of paying attention when the waiter lists those off?).
You are sitting there in your tuxedo at the age of 19 or whatever and your next to the love of your life who has never looked better and you’ve been buying her flowers and beating off every day thinking about her and tonight you get to do whatever you want! Wow. Those guys must have retained their morning wood well into the evening. Did he even know you need to put spit on it first? Did he know what to do to the tits? Holy shit, they didn’t even know what doggy style was. THAT was considered insane. A blow job was like, from outer space (my parents know a couple who got divorced because the woman wouldn’t give the guy a blow job – that was only one generation ago).
We are bred to be breeding at about 14 years of age. These poor bastards had to wait until they were almost 20 just to get a taste. Those poor bastards.
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Suggest you look into some “vintage” amateur porn.
It appears they weren’t really into fucking back then.
It always appears that they’re fucking “ironically” with the weird smirks they have on their face.
08.03.09 at 12:41 pm
Don’t be so naive. They had sex tons in the old days, they just didn’t have the technology to document every second of it. Pretty sexy. I mean, Prohibition became one big underground party, how fun is that? There are people today who won’t give blow-jobs and it has nothing to do with the time they’re living in, it’s what’s going on with their head when it comes to giving it. And doggy style is as old as the wheel, give me a break. Hate to break it to you, but your parents and their parents and their parents before that all got it in everything from T-Birds to barn-houses to buggies to the sludge they crawled out of the water in.
08.03.09 at 1:03 pm
Yea..honestly, Gav. This is just so naive. Weimar Germany practically invented BDSM.
Let your brain recover from the weekend before writing your first post. This shit was childish.
08.03.09 at 1:14 pm
i think you should write a book detailing the “facts” that your friend Lee Gratton told you vs. the actual facts . I would buy the dick out of it.
08.03.09 at 2:45 pm
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What do you expect spazzes?
This was funny.
08.03.09 at 2:50 pm
Umm…. sex has always existed but people didn’t really fuck around a lot, and if they did it was the exception. It’s pretty convenient to forget that the sexual liberation that has existed throughout our life was pretty much unthinkable for the overwhelming majority of civilization. You do realize that in a lot of countries sex before marriage gets you stoned to death, right?
08.03.09 at 3:20 pm
Right now is the WORST time to be fucking. Internet has ruined the thrill of it. Back then someone had to actually TELL YOU, face to face (phones were for the ten richest kings of Europe) about fisting. Back then, the “fringe” was a threesome. Now the fringe is weird, bizarre shit only moron freaks would be into. NO THANKS.
08.03.09 at 3:20 pm
I grew up in the Bible Belt of Ontario and I can assure you, for at least that specific area and generation, this is pretty much spot on. Now all of the Bethel Baptists seem like recovering sex and meth addicts.
08.03.09 at 3:25 pm
the women didnt know what horny was? Are you a complete moron?
When women went into hysterics they had doctors come to the house to rub them off so they could calm down.
Your notions are seriously uninformed and your writing lacks any kind of entertaining value.
08.03.09 at 3:58 pm
holy shit! I think I am going into hysterics right now
08.03.09 at 4:13 pm
is that bela lugosi in the picture up there??
08.03.09 at 4:17 pm
Gavin, I thought you had no game. You literally banged hundreds of women before meeting your wife?
08.03.09 at 4:49 pm
Gavin is referring to Victorian attitudes toward sex. Wait… isn’t that when they invented the vibrator?
08.03.09 at 4:51 pm
I heard that the actual Don Juan only had seven lovers, but that was considered scandalous back then.
08.03.09 at 4:58 pm
Lord Byron was scandalous for banging his sister and other Don Juaneries. More than seven.
08.03.09 at 5:20 pm
Its all fiction come on!
08.03.09 at 5:21 pm
I thought this was pretty funny.
Can we make a new rule that unless you’ve actually MET the cunt that writes this stuff, you do not call him by his first name…???? Please…??? You sound like a fucking bunch of stalker-fanboy-pleb-stan-wannabe-idol-worshippers / self-haters.
Fuck the guy who writes this shit. Fuck him in the ass.
I did think this was funny though, and I’ve been thinking the exact same thing for the last few days Ive been reading Oscar Wilde and stuff and they used to just pop the question when they wanted to get laid and then they werent allowed to get divorced or anything. they were also gay, and ate lots of cucumber sandwiches apparently. And also, imagine how bushy that shit would have been. And no tampons.
08.03.09 at 7:55 pm
They didn’t even have internet porn back then. Or midget threeway bondage porn. What a primitive time.
08.03.09 at 11:56 pm
no he’s right honestly human beings didn’t fuck back then it happened maybe a few times but i mean come on are you fucked shit like that was completely foreign to our grandparents generation they simply did not have sex.
08.03.09 at 11:58 pm
Only the women were expected to be virgins when married duh
08.04.09 at 12:04 am
I’m 20 and don’t get anything except my handgina, or my hanus, or harmpit, and I’m no hornier than Joe Sixpack.
08.04.09 at 3:51 am
Sexy is ugly and boring.
Yeah.
08.04.09 at 4:20 am
Im pretty sure little Wendy and Wilson were trying stuff with each other in a barn somewhere in buttfuck two generations ago like they are now. Wilson just wasnt recording it on his phone for those lonely deja vu times
08.04.09 at 8:27 am
There was sex in the old days, just not as much. The people weren’t necessarily uptight about it, it’s just that they wore so goddamn many layers of clothes that the mood sometimes passed before they got everything off. You try squeezing a fast one in when you’re wearing a three piece suit with suspenders and those pussy garter socks and she has on a corset, bodice, chastity belt, whatever the fuck they wrapped themselves in over a dress with hose and gloves.
That’s how they got the term “in the closet” because gays from that period were very fastidious and spent so much of their foreplay time hanging up all their clothing before engaging in woo-woo. Times were tough in the days before perma press.
08.04.09 at 9:30 am
Hey Gavin can you explain how you got so much pussy back in the day?
08.04.09 at 10:03 am
Charles the answer is in your name
*wink*
that was my anus winking. actually fucking hundreds of girls sounds kind of gross to me.. like the odds are a few of them must have had Hep D or was weirdo enough to hard rim the toilet with your toothbrush while she was in your can. but hey chacun son gout dewdrop
08.04.09 at 3:16 pm
everything in this rant is true unless you count sex wit little boyz.
08.04.09 at 4:01 pm
oh and my grandfather was a notorious pimp.
08.04.09 at 4:01 pm
Funny, kind of.
This shit was a little misinformed.
08.04.09 at 11:49 pm