Something just occurred to me: Taeil Kim, the guy who does the Iraq Report — soon to be the Afghanistan Report, unfortunately — is a motherfucking Marine! He’s the guy in the commercials holding a sword with explosions in the background and lightning and eagles and shit. He goes to the Middle East and gets shot at. How heavy is that? Let’s ask him.

Street Carnage: Dude, you’re a fucking MARINE! Do you ever look in the mirror and go, “Holy shit, I’m a fucking Marine”?

Taeil Kim: Nah, I usually go, “I’m one bad example.”

Ha. Hey, I have a lot of questions for you because I’ve been on a war movie bender. Here’s what I don’t get about boot camp: They keep going “Do more laps” or “Get down and give me 20.” How is that scary? I got 35 push ups in me. You could put a gun to my head and ask for 37, but it ain’t happenin’. I mean, you have in you what you have in you. How can you do better than your best?

It’s not just push ups though. They fuck your mind by mixing it up so you never run out of steam. Like, if you had done all the push ups you could do, they’d make you run laps, then if you’re legs are giving out, it’s over to sit ups.

Oh! That explains it. I always thought you could just do your best and then if you barf or collapse, you barf or collapse. I barf at the gym all the time.

You can’t collapse.

Why not?

A drill instructor will smack you around ’til you get up. And then there’s the silver bullet.

What’s that, they give you a Coors?

No dick, the silver bullet is a 7” thermometer they stick up your ass under the guise of making sure you’re OK.

Did you see it happen?

I’ve never seen anyone get the silver bullet. It’s a great motivator. You know what’s funny though? The gay Marines are in better shape than us straights, so the only ones who would want the silver bullet would be the ones least likely to get it.

Does all this shit help? Does the abuse make you a better soldier?

Yeah, sure. But I don’t know if there’s a way to prepare for staying up for a week firefighting in Fallujah.

I feel the same way when pitching comedy shows to networks. Rather than sit here and pontificate about what exactly the show will be, let’s just grab a camera and see how it unfolds.

Yeah, so our jobs are incredibly similar [rolling slanted eyes].

OK, this one’s a bit tricky because I’m way older than you and therefore totally incapable of being subordinate to people, but do you ever just snap?

What do you mean?

In boot camp, when you’re being screamed at and they’re saying, “DON’T LOOK AT ME YOU LITTLE FAGGOT! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF EATING THE CORN IN MY SHIT. NOW GET OVER THAT FUCKING WALL OR I AM GOING TO TAKE THAT TINY DICK OF YOURS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR MOTHER’S ASS!” Isn’t there a point where you look at this little man with his tiny IQ and think “I am going to kill you, motherfucker”? How do you not just snap and clock your superior?

It happens. I’ve been a smartass and I’ve gotten in some fights, one with a superior. Of course, you get brutal punishments for that involving running around in circles, staying up all night organizing rocks, and all that stupid shit.

What about after you become a real Marine? Same shit?

Not so much exercise punishments. You get fucked with duty.

You spelled doodie wrong.

What?

How do they fuck you with doodie? Do they freeze it first? What’s that called, a Portland Popsicle? There sure is a lot of anal rape at your job.

Funny. No, DUTY. Cleaning bathrooms and stuff like that.

See, none of this seems that bad to me. I mean, in Tigerland Colin Farrell doesn’t seem to mind cleaning toilets. I was a janitor at my college for four years.

I know, you’ve told me that about 100 times. You’ve also whined to me about being a bike messenger in the winter and what else? Planting trees in the snow or something?

Yes. I can think of a lot of jobs that seem harder.

I don’t know about “jobs” but yeah, there were some times at boot camp where I thought other people have suffered more. Going to war is another matter.

Yeah, being in battle is WAY over my head. Having bullets go over your head is over my head. I sound like I’m being sarcastic, but I’m not.

I know.

Do you ever get shit from your friends for being a Marine?

I ended up getting a lot of shit from my friends. I get everything from people giving me a condescending talk about why I shouldn’t join the military to people who outright refuse to talk to me ever again. I grew up with that whole punk and proto-”hip” scenes where most people have very center-of-Michael-Moore type of views. I always joked I joined the Marines out of irony.

You have all these fashionable and wealthy left wing assholes who champion “open mindedness”, “multiculturalism”, and breaking down “class boundaries,” but I feel I did more for that agenda in the military than schmoozing with some wannabe rock star/artist in Echo Park. I have interacted with people from all different kinds of ethnic, social, and economic backgrounds. These were guys I had to eat, sleep, shit, shower, and work side by side with throughout my time in the Corps.

But yeah, there is a very irritating macho aspect of the Marines. Most people of a military background are not very socially liberal nor are they akin to being the most “fashion” conscience people on the planet, but hey, it beats being a pretentious art fag.

OK, so you’re a hipster Marine surrounded by rednecks and thugs. Are they ALL Republicans?

Basically. It’s weird because it’s at odds with how the military is actually structured, which is completely socialist. Everything we get is from the government. There’s government subsidized clothes, food, health care, and housing. They’ll even subsidize fuel for your car in certain instances. The government subsidizes my education as a veteran. All these Republican Marines (CAREER military men) bitch about those “socialist Democrats” and accuse Obama of being a communist and the irony is enough to make any hipster’s t-shirt blush.

Do you get called a sell-out or a murderer?

Well, you know I’ve never been in a situation where some guy would call me a babykiller to my face who wasn’t a close personal friend of mine saying it as a joke. I wouldn’t think twice punching a guy out if they were trying to be a serious dick to me, shoving their liberal bullshit down my throat, but I’ve never had the pleasure of doing so.

What about strangers? You live in California right?

Well, I’ve witnessed a number of anti-war protests throughout my stay in the People’s Republic of California. However, I don’t really walk around in uniform all the time so I never had to deal with it.

I can’t help but notice I don’t see any war protests anymore since Obama got elected. Considering the Afghanistan troop surge, there are as many Americans in the Middle East now as during the Iraq troop surge. I can’t help but think it would be a different story if McCain was in the White House.

What really got to me this one time however, was seeing this hipster kid with long hair wearing a Marine dress blues coat — with medals. I probably wouldn’t have said anything to that kid if he was just appropriating a simple article of military clothing, which I see EVERY douchebag on MTV doing, but he was wearing Purple Hearts and Campaign ribbons. You get those by dying or losing an arm. I made it very clear to him he was going to take those off or I would take them off for him.

That sounds like a pussy move. Why didn’t you just rip them off his jacket?

I disagree. It feels a lot better to MAKE someone take something off than to rip it off yourself.

Yeah, I get you, more Gran Torino steez. Let’s move on: How can our readers fake being a Marine? Like, if they’re in a bar and talking to some girl what do they say? “I’m in the 5th Division, Dragon Corps” or something?

First, you’d need to have a pretty short haircut and there’s only four divisions in the Marine Corps. I’m in the 4th division, but that’s the reserves. You want to go bigger than that. Say you’re in MARSOC. That’s the special forces program in the Marine Corps. It’s the Navy Seals of the Marines. It stands for United States Marine Corps Forces Special Operations Command.

So it should be called USMCFSOC.

Every branch of service has a special forces program and they are all crazy motherfuckers. Force Reconnaissance was the original name but they thought MARSOC sounded cooler.

Boring.

Did you know we basically started out as the Navy’s army? We’re actually older than the United States itself.

Snooze button! Do you wish you were good enough to be USMCFSOC?

No, the hazing they go through is brutal.

That video looks like Jackass Lite. Gay. Hey, when I’m president, I’m going to disband the military and just have 20 super elite GI Joe types who kill despots in the middle of the night. We make sure we don’t get anymore Hitlers, but countries have to deal with their own problems. How does that sound?

Impossible, the military doesn’t work like that. You can’t shrink it. It just keeps growing and growing. That’s why I mentioned the Marines started as part of the Navy. Today they Navy Seals have their own Seals and we have an air wing —

First, we’d do Ahmadenijad (sorry dude).

You think that will end terrorism?

No, don’t get me wrong. They can ALL kill each other for all I care. We only cut the head off the snake when he could possibly threaten us. I don’t get this neo-con “save the world” mentality. Some people are too primitive for democracy.

I couldn’t agree more.

FTW.

Well, everywhere but Korea.

Fuck Korea. Those fucking losers worship a white hippie and they only do it because General MacArthur saved their ass so they think white people are magic.

It is weird how many Christians there are in Korea.

You know the only reason MacArthur gave a shit about South Korea? He was obsessed with fucking Asian chicks. He had a Flip mistress named Dimples who he’d bring to the White House and tickle at the dinner table and shit. He didn’t save South Korea for the dudes, I’ll tell you that much.

I didn’t know that.

This fine piece of tail is the reason Korea worships a white God.

Anyway, the West is the best.

I’m actual a first generation Korean immigrant. So I’m fairly gooky and I can attest to the fact Western culture is superior. I’m not saying it’s perfect. Something fucked up happened with white kids. They all became spoiled brats. And Asians will always be smarter.

Yeah, but what did you ever invent? You just take our shit and make it fancier.

Kind of like what the British did to punk.

Ha! Yeah, exactly. In both cases it was people with bigger brains and smaller balls.

My balls are cannonballs.

OK, last question: What about this Country, Community, Family thing? Would you really leave your mom on her death bed if you were called in? What if they said, “You leaving today will kill her” but your superiors insisted on it?

I personally feel anyone who puts “God and Country” before family is a fucking psychopathic idiot. That’s what people in gay countries like Iran do.

Yeah, let’s change it. What about making it: Family, Friends (community?), then Country (the West). Then maybe “Stuff.” I think I like certain brands more than other things like race and religion and heritage. I think I like salt & vinegar chips more than being Scottish.

Exactly.

But you do love your country.

Yes. Very much.

And you’re a proud Marine.

Yes.

Dude, you’re a Marine.

I know.

-GAVIN MCINNES

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