The world record for masturbating is 8.5 hours. It’s recorded in San Francisco during National Masturbation Month and will get you in the Masturbation Hall of Fame. The actual world champion however, is Scottish and goes by the name Phil Clanachan (possibly the World Record for worst porn name). Ideally, Phil would go down to San Francisco, jerk off for his personal best of 15.5 hours, and get it on the books, but his wife wants him to be a teacher and is worried that would affect his career. What a shame. What a pussy. We caught up with this unrecognized champion in Toronto and asked him about his porn addiction.

SBTVC: What was your first experience with pictures of people doing it?
Phil: Well, in Scotland, you find out that your brother has a stash of porn. And it’s usually hidden somewhere in the woods. You spend hour after hour, night after night searching through the fucking woods. Then you find this plastic bag full of wet, fucking matted porn. You know, ‘cause it always rains in Scotland, right? It’s like finding the fucking Holy Grail.

OK. So describe the sort of porn that the average family own in Scotland?
Generally, it’s just straight stuff. But I do remember one time finding some very dubious magazines under my father’s bed. Like fucking Zipper and shit like that. It was just guys with big fucking schlongs. And I’m thinking, “Okay, either my dad’s a fucking homo in the closet or my mother likes looking at enormous cocks.” I like to think the latter. I never did ask.

When did you stop stealing and start building your own library of smut?
Well, I was collecting from fourteen years of age. I mean, under my fucking bed was just a sea of porn. It was fucking disgusting. But, of course, I ended up moving to Toronto and I couldn’t bring that shit on the flight. Most of it went into the trash. And that was difficult, man.
However … Once I discovered that Yonge Street was porno central, I pretty quickly put together another massive collection of magazines, DVDs and videos. It didn’t take long. Within a year of being here, I had a dozen suitcases stuffed full of top-grade stuff. It was like I’d rebuilt my empire.

I need tips on building my own solo sex room. Where do I start?
There’s the basics … Get your materials in order. Shelving is good. If you’re living in a nest of filth, you can’t find the shit you want to find, right? So if you like a lot of different stuff, it’s good to have categories. You can be like, “Okay. There’s the nun section, the latex, the hermaphrodites. There’s the spanking and then the lesbian.” Keep it organized.

You mentioned a “nest of filth” … What’s the state of your special room? I’m guessing you just stew in KY and spilled seed.
I do disinfect and clean the place. But a funny thing is that we just got a subwoofer for the computer. It sounds great. But it sits down on the ground. And after a few months Justine’s like, ”You’ve been jacking off all over the subwoofer!” I say, “No! What are you talking about?” She goes, “What the fuck do you call that? It’s covered in fucking dried white stains!” I’m like, “Guilty.” You know? So now I’m very, very conscientious. I clean everything off.

That’s a definite lack of control. Do you consider yourself a porn addict?
I’m addicted 100%. I will admit I am completely fucking addicted. So far it’s not a problem in my personal life. But if it becomes a problem I’ll have to address it. And you know what? I feel that the only real option would be … Destroy the computer. Most of my porn is internet now. And I couldn’t be weaned off it. Not a chance in hell. It would have to be … Fucking take a sledgehammer to the computer.

It’s that serious? What’s your longest jerk-n-porn binge?
Fifteen and a half hours is my best yet. But I can do better.

After that length of time, doesn’t your junk stop working?
Yes and No. You’ve kind of, like, jacked off about eight times, right? But you’re so fucking horny that you still want to crack one more off. You still have the orgasm but it’s all like swollen and misshapen-looking, you know? And there’s no semen left. So that last one, I call a “Blood Wank.” It kinda hurts but at the same time it’s highly enjoyable.

That sounds like next level Amsterdam shit.
Amsterdam is very interesting but they are more fucked-up than anyone on this earth. I mean, if you like straight porn, you’re considered the weirdo. You go into a porn store and you have one aisle of straight, one aisle girl-girl and ten aisles of animals. It’s not even like they have a small section for bestiality, 90% of the store is full of pet-fucking videos. Europeans are fucked, honest to god. Especially, the Dutch and the Germans. Really perverted.

If you’re not into animal gang-bang, what’s your kink?
Nothing too bizarre. But I don’t like watching straight porn at all. I could watch girl-girl until the day I die. For example, I’m really into spanking. But I don’t want to see a guy spanking a girl ever. It’s always girls spanking girls. I like girl-girl bondage, girl-girl whipping, girl-girl S/M. As long as it’s girls with girls, I’m good. The only straight stuff I like to watch is a girl sucking cock. I am not interested in a guy fucking a girl ever. It does nothing for me at all.

What’s so gross about penis penetrating vagina?
I just don’t get excited over it. I think maybe because it’s the very first thing you see in porn and it’s like, “Ah! Seen it all before.” Or I’m just a lesbian in a man’s body! My fucking girl says, “You should have been a fucking chick!” And I know that. It’s the fucking truth. I should never have been born a guy. But I don’t want a sex change ‘cause that’s just nasty, you know? I gotta be born a real girl. I don’t want to be a fucking sex change.

Wow. The last few questions have gone weirdly gay. So, uh … What would you look like as a female?
It’d be the hottest lesbian body of all time. It’d be the most perfect female form ever. Tiny waist, big tits, nice legs, you know? A fucking big black ass.

What? Like black skin?
Oh, no. Umm … The skin would be tanned, like an olive color. I don’t like these skinny asses. I like the fucking big black booty. Pure curves with a tiny little waist, right? And a face with big lips and Asian eyes. Is that normal or not?

Normal? We’re way past normal. I mean, fifteen hours of masturbation …
I could do fifteen hours every weekend. I’m so glad that I have other things to occupy my mind, like fitness and music. You know, if I were to win the fucking lottery and never have to work again, I’d be trapped in a prison of porn. I mean, my “Favorites” is un-fucking-believable. It takes five minutes for the listings to load. You scroll down and it’s like “girl spanking girl,” “nun spanking nun,” “leather girls spanking young girl,” “old girls spank older girls,” “Asian girl spanks Latino girl” and it just goes on and on and on and on.

Yeah. The internet is a big black fucking void.
That’s the problem. Sometimes I wish there was an end to it all. Like, you watch all these sites and a big fucking hand comes up, “Okay! You have reached the end of the internet! You have seen every single thing we have! It’s all over! BANG!” I’d be really happy about that. I’d be fucking relieved, like, “Oh! Thank god, I can get some fucking rest.” But, unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. It’s endless.

Related posts:

1. INTERVIEW WITH A PORN STAR
2. DEAR STREET CARNAGE: CSI IS THE BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT EVER
3. THERE IS NOT ANYTHING LIKE A BROOKLYN GIRL