Most of us were away for the end of August but we weren’t out vacationing and sitting on lawn chairs in the nude. We were on the prowl for new contributors. This is what we came up with (from left to right)…
(top row)
TRACIE EGAN
We hit it off with Tracie right away because she’s basically Gavin with a cunt [Ed note: Or more accurately, he is Tracie with a dick]. She’s a blogger bigwig over at Jezebel.com but it’s the six years she spent at Bust that really catapults her into the brosephere. She’s going to be writing about sex and funny stuff.
SHARKY
By day he’s a copy editor that’s worked for everyone from the Source to Entertainment Weekly but we know him as one of the few people that can outdrink us. One time he went for 36 hours straight.
JEN HANLEY
We got in touch with her after reading her site Gnarlitude about 100 times and were totally stunned to see she had been doing the same with Street Carnage. We have all the same friends but have never met her in person. Weird eh?
SAM METTEER
Dude was on his way to Japan to help his deadbeat dad out and get reacquainted and we said, “Fuck that guy” and he said, “You know what? You’re right.” So he moved here instead. He is now our primary protégé.
(bottom row)
NICK DIAMONDS
Nick is a rock star for little kids but he’s from Canada and we’re huge in Canada so he doesn’t feel like he’s stooping when he writes for us.
LANCE KILBY
Is just some college student from North Carolina or some shit but he takes funny Boners and his scene reports are amusing so we hired him.
JESSICA DELFINO
Derrick’s been working with Jessica on a bunch of comedy video shorts including one where they discussed the N-word with Derrick in blackface. Today she sent us about 100 pictures of homeless people we have no idea what to do with.
JAMIE JAMES
We met Jamie in London a few years back but he grew up in Bangladesh so his accent has to be heard to be believed. He travels all over the world taking pictures and making movies so we’re going to turn him upside down and shake him every few days to see what comes out.
UPDATE: We forgot someone!
ALEX HUGHES
Alex is from Toronto. She is funny and a bit of a windbag. Her quips can be lethal. Sometimes limp-wristed. She has massive knockers and no legs.
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Why do they always disguise their faces? Are they ashamed?
09.02.08 at 12:39 pm
Kilby and Sharky pretty much guarantee that the swift decline of this site will pick up all the more steam.
09.02.08 at 12:57 pm
I’d just like to see pictures of Kim Taylor Bennett around here.
09.02.08 at 1:40 pm
post some pics of the no-leg chick’s tits, or leg stumps. either one. both if you can
09.02.08 at 2:34 pm
oh jeez, oh jeez. you guys are rip the blogoshere a new asshole.
09.02.08 at 3:05 pm
Why don’t you fags ever hire any black people?!
09.02.08 at 3:09 pm
more mindless minions? could you get one person with a sense of humor. Geez Gavin.
09.02.08 at 5:47 pm
I’m excited about Mr. Protégé. Lyndon James Stockbauer should be patient.
09.03.08 at 1:51 am
Tracie Egan? Funny stuff? More like having to hear about how interesting her sex life is when it sounds awful. If only I had herpes and paid men to “rape” me. She’s not a good writer. And we all know she’s not a good talker. Drinking and Thinking, anyone? And then her shitty “it was her! it was her!” defense here. I can’t believe Pot Psychology and Sarah Silverman were ever in the same room. Pot Psych is a funny idea, but Tracie needs to realize that anyone who is kinda smart and kinda high sounds kinda funny. I gave her a chance, but even when she posts about something of substance, I almost stab my thighs because how mediocre her work is. Her stories about her doing stupid things don’t make her a scintillating person. I dated a homeless man! I used to do coke! Get it? Like I make bad choices over and over again? Yeah! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH.
Seriously, I had high hopes for Jezebel, but I’m tired of the immature, trite shit there because of people like Slut Machine. Look! Women can be like dipshit frat boys, too! I’m such a role-model!
09.03.08 at 3:26 am
Oh not Jamie poxy James! He’s crap!
(or maybe I’m just trying to hide my jealousy and horror at my failure to get my own puerile scribblings on a ‘cool’ website, except for lurking in the comments section every now and again).
Yea! So fuck Jamie james and the rest of those cunts with a curry dipped aubergine!.
09.03.08 at 6:10 am
[...] we introduced the 9 new contributors we dug up this summer, we got in tons of shit for not hiring Blog Nigger. We tried to explain that [...]
09.03.08 at 3:47 pm
Excellent fun! Soon we get an avalanche of stories about being too afraid to poop in a guy’s house and how empowering it is to be fisted. God bless America, neo-feminism and hipster women of indeterminate age (Late 20s? Early 30s?)!
09.04.08 at 5:13 pm