Listen: I’m not about to watch a fuckin’ Reality Show — I’m the original hater of Reality TV:
-Survivor is mind-bogglingly bad; not even Japanese prison inmates could get through an entire episode.
-The Real World should feature its girls getting bukakke’d by Lexington Steele; its boys should be forced to wipe down the slip-n-slide afterward.
-Dr. Drew is a quack and a serial masturbator.
-The Amazing Race would only be interesting if second prize was the Death Penalty.
-Jon and Kate should get a divorce and watch their empire slowly crumble, mocked by the media attention that they once so craved.
-American Idol: Every top-ten contestant in the show’s history should be tea-bagged by this guy:
All of it is beyond horrendous; all of it sucks Gavin’s repulsive taint.
Nope, I don’t care for Reality Television. Therefore, gimme the benefit of the doubt when I tell you that MTV’s Jersey Shore is the greatest program that has ever graced a television screen.
If you don’t like it, and shit like this doesn’t move you, then it’s not my job to convince you of how much the show fucking rules; it could just be a matter of taste.
What you can’t argue though, is that the show contains even an ounce of fiction — it portrays Guidos to 100% accuracy: lip gloss, steroids, spiked hair, BLOW ME T-shirts, fist-pumps, hair-gel, hot tubs, and Scarface. (Ever spent a weekend in Wildwood, NJ? Then you know it’s real — and by the way — Seaside Heights makes Wildwood look like Antwerp.)
So, why are Italian-American interest groups like Unico National freaking the fuck out over a TV show? Why are advertisers pulling inventory, and why is MTV staff getting actual fuckin’ death threats?
Look, nobody likes their peoples lookin’ stupid. I cringe when I see Jews acting the fool, and I get that chance a lot. And how do you think BLACK people feel, my guinea friends, when they turn the channel to the ULTIMATE racially-degrading reality show: COPS!
Think Snooki embodies an unfortunate stereotype? Well how about some black guys thrown on the hood of a car, smokin’ crack, shootin’ smack, lyin’ to police, beatin’ they wives, sellin’ they children — and that’s on national antenna TV, not even Basic Cable! For 20 years!
But do you ever see Blacks complain about their portrayal on the TV screen?!
(Oh wait, Jews and Blacks have been protesting their portrayal on television and by the media for decades. OK — so congratulations Eye-tallians: You’re now just as whiny as Jews and Blacks.)
Like a website that tries to charge people for its content, you’re going about it all wrong.
This is the idea: Don’t worry about how the WORST of your race is portrayed on TV. Concentrate on what the BEST of your race does, and the world will sort it all out and give you exactly as much cred as you deserve.
Case in point: Black people never got rid of Compton, or COPS, or Kanye West — but they got Bill Cosby,
And here’s a hint: You Italian-Americans protesting aren’t exactly shattering stereotypes by delivering death threats to people who don’t do what you ask. What’s next — gonna make Paulie D sleep with the fishes? Sumner Redstone wakes up next to a horse’s head?
C’mon, Italians: Don’t whine about Jersey Shore — you know Guidos are as real as the Moon Landing. Concentrate on your prevalent position in the American community; you’re the best politicians, the coolest actors, and you invented the fucking PIZZA!
Quit sweatin’ your niggers, niggas — every race has ‘em. Maybe you could learn a little something from “The Situation” after all: Just do your thing, keep your head up, and act like it’s beneath you to dwell.
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Yawn
12.16.09 at 12:08 pm
Word! As a Black-Jew-Filipino married to a fuckin’ Irish-Italian, I can tell you ALL THAT SHIT IS TRUE (Big Dave Wave, can I have a witness re: Wildwood?). All that stereotype shit is true. Diversity rules, son. [a mixed metaphor not a bon mot]
COPS! Fuck is COPS the best. You want to know why officers of the law can be, ur, assholes? Watch COPS. Painfully clear. Best though: Anyone actually shown on the show has to sign a waiver. That’s why every once in a while someone is pixelated out.
Busted for crack possession? Good. Lying to the police? Better. Making your ‘big TeeVee fame’ getting outrun by a adrenaline-addled officer of the law with a gun and a taser? The best in men’s clothing!
Better yet: Sing Off (while really high)
12.16.09 at 12:13 pm
“The Amazing Race would only be interesting if second prize was the Death Penalty.”
I Lolled
12.16.09 at 12:17 pm
I live near where Amber Brkich and Boston Rob from “Survivor” were from. Every once in a while, we get an update on their f-list lives in the local paper. I keep hoping that I will read where one is arrested or on heroin or some reality horror. Them and that homphobic skateboarder from “The Real World”.
12.16.09 at 12:32 pm
reality shows used to be uglier. like 10 years ago the novelty hadn’t worn off and they were still really empasizing the “reality” aspect. now reality shows are just the new ways they do shows. the people are actors acting maybe somewhat improvisationaly but still
12.16.09 at 12:36 pm
As an Italian-American I fully agree with this post. Guidos are real. Deal with it. They extend from NJ to Toronto to San Fran. Everywhere basically. But I find the bigger problem, which Guidos and Guidettes contribute to, is this singular idea of what it means to be “Italian”. Like if you don’t fear God or love your family, and food isn’t the center of your universe then something must be wrong with you. It’s like they jump on this stereotype and that’s all they can be. If you go to Italy though, where actually “Italians”(not the bastardized ones that define themselves as being “Italian” but who’ve probably never actually stepped foot in the country) things aren’t so dolce vita and prega per noi. In my dad’s little town, you can find communist clubs. Atheist and Anarchists exist there too. Not everyone is a God fearing lunatic. Granted, there are still a ton of those still. It’s a pretty diverse place (sometimes…hehe) with different sects of people and it’s a pretty fucked up place also. It isn’t the sweet life on Vespas with beautiful girls for everyone. I just hate the cultural myths that some Italo-American’s spread, like being Italian is only about lovin Jesus and the Pope, good food, early marriage, and obeying your parents every whim.
12.16.09 at 12:38 pm
the color red is red.
this was pretty good but damn its obvious and on the nose.
12.16.09 at 12:43 pm
nobody throws a hatefuck like a guido. those greasy fuckers know how to benchpress a pussy.
12.16.09 at 1:11 pm
Is there any topic you can’t fuckin own? Each week your shit is the best of the week. this is a perfect post.
Agree about Jersey Shore by the way. IT’s genius.
12.16.09 at 1:22 pm
i don’t think MTV and the public-at-large speak guido. death threats are their way of showing support for the show. a guido threat should be taken as a compliment. they fight like most others breathe. i grew up in a guido house and neighborhood. trust.
12.16.09 at 1:29 pm
‘g’. Please use.
Ta.
12.16.09 at 1:35 pm
i was in dirty jerz this past weekend, when i asked about the guido show, everyone said, we don’t talk about that, hahahaha. I havent watched it yet cause im afraid i’ll throw a hammer at my tv.
12.16.09 at 1:43 pm
Maybe you should link to fourfour instead of just using his YouTube shit.
I was in a restaurant last night and this family of giant fat hillbillies were eating there. Dad was pretty much Larry the Cable Guy, except more fat. So one of the kids (around 12 years old) said “Dad, what’s a guido?” and Larry said “A derogatory term for Italian-Americans” and the kid says “So we’re guidos?” “You should say ‘Italian-American.” We should all thank MTV for giving parents this sort of opportunity.
12.16.09 at 1:47 pm
^^^^ yeah, cause everyone knows your stupid blog “fourfour” – what, you posted the video of elephantitis nutman and now you think oyu own it? Let me guess do you also own lightsaber boy and treeman too cause you posted about it once on your shitty blog.
good post B(e)N but you should have mentioned ThE RUNNING MAN. best reality show of all time and the death penalty really is the prize.
12.16.09 at 2:01 pm
Most everyone does know about the awesome blog fourfour. I’d be willing to bet it gets traffic that’s at least comparable to Street Boners here, at least per-post. It’s most definitely not my blog.
I did think the clip linked was to the video of original footage, though, not the documentary edit. You got me there.
12.16.09 at 2:06 pm
ouch Treetop. A reasonable honest self-deprecating answer from a sane person? you really must be from another blog
12.16.09 at 2:15 pm
That testicles video is enormously disturbing and I will not forget it.
12.16.09 at 2:22 pm
Italian-Americans have NOTHING to do with Italians.
Just because their great-great-great-great-grandfather came here from Italy in the 1800s, they still think they’re Italian? GETDAFUCKOUTTAHERE!!!
Va fan culo!
12.16.09 at 2:35 pm
Oh, fuck you, Italians are all the same, no matter where they hang their hair gel.
The Italian Minister is still in the hospital after getting punched 4 days ago. They’re animals.
12.16.09 at 3:46 pm
It’s interesting to consider why people protest their people looking stupid. What harm can it really do?
I suppose that movies and TV re-enforcing stereotypes is kind of like an advertising campaign for people’s faults. But especially if those faults are real, it may be very dangerous to censor or stifle their re-enforcement.
It would be nice if these protesters were protesting down at the Jersey Shore 10 years before this show became popular. Why does it take a tv show for you to tell your people to stop being retarded?
12.16.09 at 4:36 pm
When did Jews ever complain? We complain about how we portray blacks in our media, but ourselves? Never.
I know who wrote this article.
12.16.09 at 4:46 pm
@Vane$$a
Here you go smartie http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3488370.stm
12.16.09 at 4:50 pm
No, no, no…what we do is pretend to complain about these things in order to pique interest in the film and ensure that it does well at the box office. This is how we get you people to keep filling the coffers of the “corporation” while continuing to inundate you with hideous images of your “saviour” (now that’s funny!) getting tortured. It’s not very good for the self-esteem to know that your icon was a human whipping post/bum/hippie who deserved no better than a shitty cross and a murder of hungry crows.
That’s not what we call complaining…it’s what we call “sound business practice.” Wise up…Billy.
12.16.09 at 4:57 pm
cunty mcstevens: “Why does it take a tv show for you to tell your people to stop being retarded?”
Seconded.
12.16.09 at 5:25 pm
Also, I believe the technical term for a “Guidette” is a “Stella.”
12.16.09 at 5:27 pm
i thought BN was making a comeback…
12.16.09 at 6:31 pm
Never talk shit about Dr. Drew.
12.16.09 at 7:31 pm
Vane$$a:
You are one hateful bitch.
12.16.09 at 10:17 pm
I started watching the grease-ball, domestically violent, steroid orgy that is Jersey Shore this weekend and quickly concluded that it is the best thing on television.
But there’s no way that New Jersey can really be predominantly populated by such human hunks of shit. Can it?
12.16.09 at 11:11 pm
As a Jew, I have to agree about complainers. We complain.
To answer your question Gayness, read the fucking post. It’s.not everyone, just some.
12.16.09 at 11:33 pm
hey remeber real housewives of new jersey everyone ate that up
12.17.09 at 2:01 am
True, t’is a grand program. They could tweak it a bit though. Keep the man-fashion, fist pumps, steroids, vodka-cranberry, blowouts, fights, etc.
Get rid of the relationship stuff, calls home to daddy, and chicks threatening to leave. The Quidsters have already shown that they can instantly repopulate the funhouse with more sluts, so let them leave. They should keep Snickers though if she’s gonna be getting punched out by dudes.
12.17.09 at 3:13 am
^^^^ well said
12.17.09 at 7:13 am
way 2 go blognigger…ur awesome
12.17.09 at 12:41 pm
As a Jew, I’m sure we complain…it’s just that we complain about everything else from the air being a tad smoggy to the socks being a tad itchy. I don’t recall us complaining about what’s on TV considering the fact that we’re sort of running it. I do agree, Jersey Shore is my current favorite cest pool.
12.17.09 at 2:12 pm
Is the show FACT or FICTION?
If it’s fact, they’re just showing something that’s true — how could you get offended about that? How is it misrepresenting Guidos to literally just represent ones that already exist?
If MTV was making up a bunch of characters making fun of Guidos, that could be construed as offensive and vaguely racist. But they’re REAL GUYS — why don’t the Italian Americans of the world get pissed at these douches themselves for being so disgusting on TV? It’s not MTV’s fault everybody on the show is a piece of shit, it’s their own.
BOO YAH my balls are in your ass right now and I just popped them out
12.17.09 at 3:08 pm
and DUDE, BRO it’s “cesspool” I grew up in a medieval fiefdom nigga I know my neighborhood
12.17.09 at 3:10 pm
“We have seen the nigger, we have seen the greaseball, we have seen the chink, we have seen the slit-eyed Jap, but we never saw the kike.” — Marlon Brando
I agree with Brando. The kike has yet to be seen.
12.18.09 at 12:06 am
If you took the concept of Jersey Shore and replaced it with JAPs and Jewish dudes, it would pretty much be the same exact thing, except Seinfeld, more calls and visits from the moms, way less hooking up and way, way more Klonopin. Also, everyone would go to Brandeis, NYU or USC.
12.18.09 at 8:05 pm
also fancy claps to my boy Benji, who hit the nail on the head. this was a good quickie
12.18.09 at 8:06 pm