There are a lot of Africans out there who can’t afford to Tweet. We understand what they’re going through. We’ve been there. And so, without further to do, we present to the Dark Continent the best recent Tweets from ourselves, and the select few we follow.

STREET CARNAGE
Obama interrupted Sotomayor’s pitch with, “You had me at ‘Latina.’”

The only thing worse than being locked in a North Korean prison for 12 years is knowing you did it for Current.TV

I just had to use shampoo all over my body because we ran out of soap. You should see my asshole hairs. I feel like Beyonce.

Why is it every cop that pulls me over takes FOREVER to cum?

It’s amazing how many Jamaican women on the Upper West Side have adopted white babies.

As a boy, I would put my flaccid penis in the nozzle of a vacuum cleaner. I was reminded of this feeling later when I fucked a single mom.

Dog the Bounty Hunter just found a fugitive hiding in his wife’s cleveage!

Give a man a bump, you have a friend for the night. Teach a man to shoot up, you have a friend for life.

Had foie gras haggis last night. It was fancy and gross. Kind of like fucking Stella McCartney.

BLOGNIGGER
Man on the A-train so consumed by his bible he cant see a pregnant lady needs his seat; meanwhile, the god of irony is throwing me softballs

So stuffed up I can’t breathe; only benefit was sitting in the empty section of a PACKED F-train, next to a homeless man who shat himself.

It’s just ignorant to say “Black people can’t swim” – It’s been known for years that the Deep-Water Test is culturally biased.

Instead of executing abortion doctors, how about those porn directors who insist on 30-second shots of the guy’s face and nuts?

DAMN this one salesnigga tailgating me every time we walk up the stairs. I made a fart to spin him out: Spyhunter smokescreen kid whatup!?

Who’s the sick fuck: ME, or the guy who decided schoolgirls should wear that outfit in the first place?

This project manager is so dark that she’s wearing black spandex and it literally looks like she forgot her pants.

If you’re black and you move your lips when you read, please stay off the subways; you’re squandering all of our Obama goodwill.

Whites now comprise 1% of Howard University! I doubt the females among them can walk very well after Freshman year.

At a kid’s birthday in Prospect Park, and the retard parents are calling the tug-o-war a “pull-for-peace.” My son will be gay in 3..2..1

F train was packed at 7pm on a Friday! Ngaz was jockin this blonde girl so tall she had a mexican’s face pressed into her ass.

JIM GOAD
Angelina Jolie earned an estimated $27 million over the past year, enabling her to purchase the entire infant population of Kenya.

England once ruled the world. Then it smiled, everyone saw its teeth, and the inevitable decline began.

If Adam Sandler were to stub his toe on an AIDS-fish while snorkeling in the Bahamas, it’d be the first time he made me laugh.

Sonia Sotomayor is so ugly, her face could scare Mexicans back across the border.

Weird Sex Act: A “Millard Fillmore” is when you eat the president’s asshole.

My “Things to do for 2010″ list includes a Holocaust-Survivor Pinups Calendar.

If murder is always wrong, why does God kill everyone?

A reliable source tells me that British singing sensation Susan Boyle keeps a small family of hedgehogs nestled in her vagina at all times.

Many people don’t realize that in certain gay circles, “Googling” is a slang term for inserting a mouse in your urethra.

I wonder whether Martians have racial slurs for earthlings.

DAN HARMON

I have never tripped on my laces. I only tie them to make people stop telling me they’re untied.

Why don’t you focus less on my shoes and more on the undone laces of your fucking identity?

They’re fucking shoelaces. If you want to connect with someone, express YOUR lack of completion. Weep. Confess. Share.

I guess I could just buy a pair of loafers…but Jesus Christ, how much time and energy do I put into keeping you comfortable?

I’m already wearing clothes because everyone’s so powerless they have to play poker with their dicks and tits. Now I have to tie shit, too.

@AbedG I don’t want to “tie them once.” They’re shoes. We’re human beings. When did these fucking things start wearing US?

EUGENE MIRMAN
it’s almost time to put on some pants and make a difference in the world. I bet that’s what a very lazy super hero would say.

Walking behind a man in army pants with frosted tips. Oh Somerville, MA you are full of mystery and also styles from the early 90s.

flying to Boston to visit family and give a speech at LHS graduation. I promise to not refer to a “national deficit the size of my dick.”

shouldn’t have tasted the bright green tarragon or weird parsley sodas. Oh, Russian soda, like communism you’re very sweet, but terrible.

Today I will explore New York, find one of those hidden neighborhoods and gentrify it by opening a high-end soap shop/ noodle soup place.

Fuck. My computer just broke. Bored. Might as well buy everyone on the plane a round of Tourment Absinthe and try to get a 300-way going.

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