1) The Pinocchio Approach: Dude, be a real dude! This one probably pertains to 90% of you skinny little metro sexual hipster fucks who are reading this right now. Just because you have a stylized beard doesn’t make you hot. So cancel your appointment at Bumble and bumble and go to a real barber shop. Stop shaving a happy trail and getting your bikini waxed-let your natural body hair grow in, replace your Marc Jacobs colonge with your real pheromones and eat something. Go listen to my friend Katy’s song, “You’re So Gay” It’s about you! Girls want REAL guys!!!
2) The I Know What Girls Like Approach: Once you take care of not being such a pussy with your physical appearance, then do it again….don’t be such a pussy about liking things that girls like. Girlie books, girlie movies and girlie mags. Even girlie drinks….think about it “Hey, is that a apple martini….Can I have a sip?”
Even Girlie products…I’m not sayin carry around O.B. Tampons in your faggy little pea coat pocket but stuff like lip conditioner….so like when your riding home on the L train thinkin about what Charlette Stokely clip you’re gonna wank to on youjizz since you are going home alone again…..you can pull out some rose bud salve…or my personal fave Duff Stuff Lip Gloss by Hillary Duff…maybe the hot girl sitting next to you will ask to borrow some and then you spark a convo and then maybe she will do it with you!!!
3) The I’m A Total Faggot Approach: Okay this is not a contradiction to #1 but when all else fails pretend you’re gay!!!!!! Go to gay clubs, start hanging out with The Misshapes, start shopping for club gear at Seven New York. Get a fag hag that is hot! I swear this works! The day after I told everyone in my High School that I was gay, the head cheerleader totally date raped me!!!! I was sleeping and had morning wood and she jumped on top of me and put my gay pee pee inside her smelly slimey loose as a goose vadge!!!!!! I had to push her off it felt soooooo gross!!! I wish I could send her to sex up you losers but right now she’s locked up for drug trafficking!!!
–
Jonny Makeup
www.myspace.com/ilovejonnymakeup
www.myspace.com/vippartyboys
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I have been saying this for years and no one listened! Thanks Mr. Makeup!
02.17.09 at 12:48 pm
Consider the source.
02.17.09 at 12:51 pm
is this asshole still writing for this page? even after the leaked PR memos from american apparel? and the universal negative criticism?
and all that aside, isn’t it plainly obvious yet from donna deliva’s “the talk” thing, and movies like “he’s not that into you” that straight people should NEVER EVER EVER follow any advice at all from gays? they live in a fucking different universe.
it’s even worse when the gay in question fancies himself to be such an outrageous, magnetic gay that he deserves giant screenprinted images on t-shirts and cliche’d 80s fonts. if writing style reveals anything about a person, there is nothing special about this one at all.
02.17.09 at 1:00 pm
you know what, this made me laugh
02.17.09 at 1:15 pm
theres nothing straight about wearing a jonny makeup tshirt
02.17.09 at 1:30 pm
Wait, what? There’s writing here? I was too busy salivating over the blonde to notice.
02.17.09 at 1:42 pm
god damnit i don’t think i can continue hating johnny makeup for another year. it’s exhausting. it makes me want to become a normie so i don’t have to hear from this fucker ever again.
02.17.09 at 2:08 pm
I kinda want to use her thighs as ear muffs… ear muffs pie…
02.17.09 at 2:19 pm
I LOVE busting nuts to shots of charlotte stokely takin it in the ass!
02.17.09 at 2:24 pm
You know what, I want to hate this guy but I can’t. I like im. I wish he would audiorecord these though, because they’re funny, but hearing him get all animated in his little fag voice would be fucking gold. keep doing what you do, johnny makeup. Can you write an article on how to convince hipstard girls with tattoos to sleep with you if you’re not a boring scenefag panic at the discbro. .
02.17.09 at 2:27 pm
Sorry, the Guide to Picking up Chicks was much better than this fag’s tired keyboard diarrhea.
02.17.09 at 2:32 pm
Jeez, at least he’s more exciting to read than you are, “Books and Backpack”.
What a beautiful Lady.
02.17.09 at 2:34 pm
you know what? dude is right. normally i look very nice, but on saturday i went out like some slob shit with no shower and eating cheap burritos and shit and got more play than i’ve had in months. fuck formal wear.
02.17.09 at 2:36 pm
I eat a lot and im still skinny, fuck you *crycrycry*
02.17.09 at 2:50 pm
I eat a lot of pussy, and live fat
02.17.09 at 3:44 pm
will someone PLEASE provide the name of this blond fox???
02.17.09 at 4:39 pm
Charlotte Stokely
02.17.09 at 4:51 pm
This wasn’t insightful at all. I had an insight into that girls thighs though. Perhaps they were just overshadowing the writing in all of their glory. Actually I don’t even know why I am trying to be nice. This is just fucking dopey humdrum and hell I can enjoy some juvenile shit, even. Let me tell you. Lets not get started on the SHIT painting. Cut your cute little sister off from writing this crap, even if she’s right.
02.17.09 at 5:10 pm
LOVES IT
02.17.09 at 5:33 pm
DUDES I don’t about YOU but I AM BONERED RIGHT NOW. seeing pics like this instead of pics of that DILDO president excites my penis in a jolly way that makes me get my jollies. seeing instead of a boner SPROINGER a lecture about how Obama is the president and not in fact a party Wizzard black like Derry Beckles is a disappointment in the main and entirely not in the round, or indeed the right but when heretofore corrected in a negrociously delicious manner by a fagg who’s just hit just the just right amount of crystal and ketamine to be supernatuerely witty before the inevitable decline into the morass of AIDS and HELLFIRE is negrociously refreshing. so I say carry on carry on sailor (faggot whorer)
Sincerely,
F. W.
A REGISTERED Mc Cain Voter
02.17.09 at 5:54 pm
This should be entitled JONNY MAKEUP’S GAY PICK UP TIPS FOR STRAIGHT GUYS
02.17.09 at 6:10 pm
do you really need the Ad dollars that much to have this asshole post this lame shit…
02.17.09 at 7:14 pm
Once again JM makes me giggle. I second that request to have the audio available of his posts.
02.17.09 at 7:20 pm
i guess that pic up top is what mos def had in mind when he said “ass so fat that you can see it from the front”.
02.17.09 at 7:37 pm
Just imagine it in the voice of Disney’s the Reluctant Dragon, minus any of what makes it entertaining, and you’re in business.
02.17.09 at 8:14 pm
charlotte stokely is pretty badass
02.17.09 at 9:26 pm
ian mc Ew quit cribing my tag, bro man. p.s. Wait, that katie perry song was actually pertaining to an actual subculture? i just thought she had gone crazy from gaides
02.17.09 at 9:27 pm
im pretty fat and i get more pussy than most skinny hipster dudes
02.17.09 at 10:21 pm
who’s johnny make up?
02.17.09 at 11:46 pm
giving advice is pretty gay too, esp when ive probably gotten laid more times than in your wildest dreams, if your dreams was a person who had sex all the time with 150,000 different people but doesnt anymore because he’s old
did you know EVERYONE is going to get fired soon?
02.17.09 at 11:48 pm
i get laid SO MUCH dude.
02.18.09 at 2:12 am
you people are gauche, and jonny is chic <3
02.18.09 at 2:24 am
i just read this and thought, “theres just no more denying that vice sucks” and realized i was on street carnage
02.18.09 at 2:39 am
This is horrible. Shame on you, Gav.
02.18.09 at 5:26 am
this is hilarious, and soooo true! Keep it up Mr. makeup, you’re so great.
02.18.09 at 10:38 am
Jonny! Don’t listen to Books & Backpack. He’s just a sale petite tapette but doesn’t know it yet!
02.18.09 at 12:43 pm
sweet mound.
02.18.09 at 2:10 pm
seeing the ass from the front? amazing
02.18.09 at 4:20 pm
Hey hey fuck! I left the first comment not the full on fucking blog entry someone else posted under my name right after me.
Fuck.
There should be more guides like this. Kickboxing training by old ladies in wheelchairs.
02.18.09 at 7:17 pm
was the name of this hot-in-a-justin-timberland-way guy i used to work with who confided in felicia (another coworker) and me that he was gay. he swore us to secrecy, said that if we ever told he would be ridiculed by the other guys at work. we became good friends and went out together all the time after work. one night, we were at the bar and he said “wouldn’t it be so much fun if you, me and felicia all slept together and cuddled? we could have pillow fights and talk all night!” and i laughed and said sure. so we did and ended up having sex. i told my friend dave the next day and he was blown away, “WHY DIDN’T I EVER THINK OF THAT? THE GUY’S A GENIUS!”
truth be told, he fucking was.
02.18.09 at 10:16 pm
I was originally going to comment on how cute I find the model’s shoes until I noticed that I can see her milky white ass cheeks FROM THE FRONT!!!!!
02.19.09 at 2:43 am
OMG GIRL THIS IS SO FUNNY ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT SLIMEY SLITHERY SCIENTIFIC SLOTS!
02.19.09 at 4:00 am
this is a pretty funny article. i liked the anticdote about the out of the closet date rape and i get the feeling this guy knows what he’s talking about. i also dont understand how anyone can have a problem getting laid. it’s pretty simple; if you like a girl, show her that you like her by being attentive. thats pretty much all there is to it. oh, and dont act like a horny, sleazy dude while you’re paying attention to her. be respectful and treat her like a person. being mr fun guy like that vice guide said a while back helps tremendously too.
02.23.09 at 6:43 am
You sir. You sir are hilarious and I don’t know why I didn’t know about you earlier. I’m so happy you mentioned Ur So Gay. I have three of them in my phone, Bushwick Ur So Gay, E Village Ur So Gay and Greenpoint Ur So Gay.
please keep up the work.<3
06.02.09 at 2:49 am
I personally love Jonny Makeup and his insight. I also would LOVE not only audio but video recordings instead of a written blog. This does not do the justice he deserves. And yes, Jonny does deserve his own t-shirt with 80’s cliche writing, because he is that awesome AND the 80s cheese totally fits
) Jonny, i remember us making out in my closet (which inspired a Sassani art class pastel) around 8th grade…lol and that cheerleader did have a stinky puss.
06.16.09 at 10:34 pm
You sir. You sir are hilarious and I don’t know why I didn’t know about you earlier. I’m so happy you mentioned Ur So Gay.
05.07.11 at 10:20 pm