According to The New York Times, a North Carolina judge has ruled that not only does Andrew Young, presidential candidate John Edwards’s former aide have to return Edwards’s sex tape with his then-pregnant mistress / campaign videographer (how fitting, right?) Rielle Hunter, but he has to do it flanked by a team of security officers.
Details on the tape itself are pretty sparse. The New York Times refers to it euphemistically as a video of a “very personal and private nature” or “sexual encounter.” Even worse, they altogether leave out the two most important facts: that Hunter is visibly preggers and that Edwards’s penis rivals John Holmes’s.
Why so PG, 2010?! If it were 1986, The Times would be all about the graphic over-share. Give us some of the dirty deets: estimated measurements of his ween in length and girth, or even a brief play-by-play of Edwards milking his secret baby mama and whatever else it is that you do in pregnant porn.
I mean, I don’t actually need to see the video. I, for one, have been finished with lactating porn since that time we stumbled across that download on a friend’s dad’s computer. But c’mon, it’s supposed to be the future! Painting even the vaguest of pictures would be much appreciated. And people wonder why print is dead….
Meanwhile, Edwards continues to kill it with a growing reputation as the manliest of men. The almost-president made a sex tape with a pregnant woman while campaigning (the man has no fear!), only recently legitimized his bastard child (probably because she’s got cameos in the video), is finally separated from his terminally ill wife (hello, freedom!) and gets to forever be blessed with rumors of a monster cock (sorry fellas, size does matter). He’s basically a Ken doll come to life.
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yea… his cock is HUGE
02.10.10 at 9:15 am
Do Ken dolls have wangs?
02.10.10 at 10:14 am
We should bone sometime.
02.10.10 at 10:16 am
Everyone should divorce their shriveled old wife when she turns 30 and get a younger girl that looks just like her!
02.10.10 at 10:39 am
gawker readers comment in old english?
02.10.10 at 10:43 am
I wonder if it spans the length of two Americas.
02.10.10 at 11:44 am
I don’t know why Edwards doesn’t want to go public with his meat. He should just do what every other cock revealer does and be like, “Oops, how did that end up on the internet. I’m so sorry that women and children were forced to see images of my pride and joy, I mean sex organ. I certainly hope that I haven’t destroyed the psyches of the small-wanged male everywhere. Honestly, I don’t get off on crushing male competition under the weight of my mammoth dick, at all. I sincerely beg you to pray for me and my wad in this time of personal turmoil.” Then he should run for prez in 2012 under the slogan, “The Only Man Big Enough to Fix the Economy.” Maybe he could even hire Shepard Fairey to paint a portrait of him eating a hot dog or something.
02.10.10 at 12:28 pm
“saweee fewwalss, size doesss mattahhh” – I bet you said that with a dumb baby accent.
Anyways, what Jessica Kuntsha forgets is that this guy is a fuckin tool, and no mega-cock should save him from endless scrutiny and ridicule. I hope you both rot.
02.10.10 at 2:28 pm
This was very good Jessica, yay! Have a good day!
02.10.10 at 5:06 pm
Further proof that chicks, even when writing about cock, are fucking useless bores.
02.10.10 at 7:12 pm