I used to work as a server at a low-end Thai restaurant in Toronto. Now I can’t say this for sure, but I think it was the combination of shitty pay ($8/hr!), constant sexual harassment (No, go ahead, sneak up on me and smell my hair, it’s totally cool), and meager tips (4% again? Oh you, teens), that made me come to despise everything about the place. I will miss one thing about it: watching bad dates.
You know how in China people eat weird shit like panda ears because they’re supposed to give a person magical dick strength? I think Thai food has a similar placebo effect on boring, ugly people who want to bone. Which is weird because Thai food is like the dinner equivalent of a cheap whore: inexpensive, overly saucy, and OK in a darkened setting, but as soon as you see it in the light of day you want to barf up your regret. It’s just noodles and sauce, yet everyone that walked into the restaurant acted like they had just entered the temple of doom, except daters. Nine times out of ten, men on dates would adopt this kind of fuck-you attitude about the place, as if they were trying to tell their date “That’s right bitch. Thai food. I’m-a o.ri.gi.nal.” Except he wasn’t, he was just another dumb jock too cheap to bring his date to somewhere nice. Which always made me wonder: how inspired could his dinnertime dirty talk be while sitting 2-ft away from a lousy toddler prone to flinging Pad Thai?
So what’s the first thing these folks would order on their crappy date? FUCKING BOOOOOOOZE!!!! Oh right, that’s not what they’d do at all. They’d always order diet coke, or water. Water. Yeah, apparently no one drinks on dates anymore. Huh? I always assumed it was standard date protocol? You know, phase one: get trashed, phase two: get naked. Maybe this is what people mean when they say they want to “take it slow”? Still, I don’t get it. Did everyone get molested as a child? Aren’t you taking out this bank teller because you want to fuck her in your condo?
Then, after a few sips of water, and some cheap small talk about work it was time to order dinner. “I’ll have the Red curry chicken. That’s spicy right?” Then they’d turn to their date and say something like “Don’t worry babe. Daddy can handle the heat.” Hey dipshit, quit acting like you just ordered the spice equivalent of a suicide on fire, or whatever the fuck metaphor people use to describe spicy food, it’s curry made with coconut milk, it’s barely 2 alarm, Funny thing, the look that spread over the lady’s face when she saw her man order curry, was the look of a woman who got hit in the face with a cream pie of desire. Weird right? I always thought chip companies were the only ones to equate spiciness with coolness; I guess I was a wrong, dumb girls do it too.
I can’t be sure what happened after they finished eating. One likely scenario might involve a ride home, an awkward kiss, followed by a furious jerk off session. I could be wrong though. Theoretically boring people do fuck. I’m convinced of this – proof is in the daycare. In fact, whenever I’m faced with someone I deem boring (helpful hints: dockers khakis, teal tank tops, flip flops) I immediately think about their sexual proclivities, and whether they keep that shit vanilla, or throw everyone for a loop and get real creative, and use electrical whips and shit. But then I think about all the people I boffed in University, and my heart sinks. It’s just a whole lot of tedious missionary and no jokes allowed, well except for that one racist dude, that guy could screw like nobody’s business.
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That was rad
07.14.09 at 11:12 am
I second that.
07.14.09 at 11:18 am
So what kind of conditioner do you use.
07.14.09 at 11:36 am
How many times did you have to adjust your coolness monocle while writing this?
07.14.09 at 11:46 am
MAKE MORE ON THIS SEGMENT
07.14.09 at 11:48 am
this depressed me because of how true it is.
07.14.09 at 12:28 pm
the one racist dude!
07.14.09 at 12:33 pm
i like this writer
07.14.09 at 12:59 pm
Great, now I’m hungry.
07.14.09 at 1:11 pm
Yeah! And, what’s the deal with airline food?
07.14.09 at 1:48 pm
Yeah…. boring people, right?
07.14.09 at 2:01 pm
This is the stupidest thing. Pots and kettles and shit.
07.14.09 at 2:19 pm
I think teal tank tops are cool…
07.14.09 at 2:34 pm
i think im in love?
07.14.09 at 2:37 pm
Shit, where is the link to her blog?
07.14.09 at 3:04 pm
you are seriously bitching about $8/hour as a SERVER? wow, things must really be different in canada.
07.14.09 at 5:02 pm
that was great. please keep sending stuff!
07.14.09 at 6:31 pm
hey, see now? that wasnt so hard was it?
do it again!
post more entertaining shit like this.
07.14.09 at 6:40 pm
Honey, how did you get so lost and end up on this shitty blog?
07.14.09 at 7:15 pm
Pretty great. Who wrote it?
07.14.09 at 7:21 pm
that was painful to read..
07.14.09 at 8:08 pm
loves it!
07.14.09 at 8:51 pm
yeah don’t forget that 8 canadian dollars is like 2 american dollars. that is shitty pay indeed.
07.14.09 at 11:28 pm
so what’s your point? How did this get here? This girl is a snotty piece of shit.
07.15.09 at 12:56 am
this was bad.
07.15.09 at 2:43 am
I had Thai food last night after reading this. Delicious!
07.15.09 at 10:18 am
This is so ironic! I like to sit in restaurants and watch bad servers. Cute college girls, struggling young single moms or harried divorcees trying to make it. I like to fantasize about taking them home after their shifts and having wild erotic sex with them in their little “tip skirts”. They are so used to serving that in their mindset they become my “sevant”. Our love is raw. Unfortunately, reality sets in after they bring the check. They disappear into the world of the next customer and I’m left alone, trying to decide if I’m ever coming back again and how much that affects my tip.
07.15.09 at 11:12 am
very good.
but this line bothered:
“It’s just a whole lot of tedious missionary and no jokes allowed”
unless they were forcibly dull-raping you, the bad fucking was equally your fault.
07.15.09 at 11:40 am
The whole premise of your post is that people are boring becuase they take their dates to eat thai food?
Maybe you were molested in the won ton once or twice and now you’re bitter against thai?
07.15.09 at 12:21 pm
ahm yes i guess you was a wrong
07.15.09 at 1:17 pm
“Don’t worry babe. Daddy can handle the heat.” I’m totally using that line on my next date! Thanks for the tip!
07.15.09 at 4:28 pm
anyone who starts a sentence with the word “now” sucks at writing. this is not literature.
07.15.09 at 5:56 pm
I don’t this nerd “boffed” anyone but a sock puppet in university.
07.15.09 at 5:57 pm