(An English nerd in a prison where there are basically no guards and every prisoner has either a knife or a gun – a fucking gun!)
New York Magazine recently put Gossip Girl on the cover and screamed “Best Show Ever You Guys!!!” New York is a great magazine but like most magazines it’s primarily manned by gays and gays need to take it easy with the gayness sometimes. The Face went bankrupt when their gay editor put an opera singer on the cover and followed it up with a cover story on how hot Harry Potter is- OOOPS!
If you want to talk about the “Best Show Ever” (which you don’t but you will after you watch the Venezuela episode) you need to check out National Geographic’s Locked Up Abroad tomorrow at 10PM. Before world travel became easier than visiting your cousins in the next village, the worst that would happen to naïve kids totally devoid of street smarts was a week in the local clink and a slap on the wrist from mom and dad. Thanks to globalism, the world’s prey are made available to the world’s predators and that means every boob in Leicester is open to the scariest fucking gangsters Peru has to offer.
Locked Up Abroad features clueless young people being duped into carrying POUNDS and POUNDS of cocaine or heroin from the third world into the first one. Oh lord in heaven above is this show jam packed with gut-wrenching tension. You need to take your shirt off and bob back and forth like you did too much acid and occasionally bury your head in a pillow screaming “Nooooo!” just to make it through. You’ll catch yourself yelling , “Just leave the shit in the airport bathroom before you go through customs and run to the police when you get back home you fucking ass!” Every episode has some 20-somethings saying, “And that was it. We realized we were past the point of no return.” Which is torture to watch because it is never past the point of no return. Jesus, kids. Stop, drop, and roll and go to the nearest grown-up. The awkwardness of leaving coke in a bathroom and running to the cops (or the embassy if you’re really smart) is light years from wandering around a South American prison with a 9mm in your pants daring people to fuck with you for ten years. Yes, ten years is a common motherfucking sentence can you fucking believe that motherfuckers!?!?!? Enduring this level of suspense is like watching a horror movie that happened to your little sister and although it’s the worst thing in the world, it is pretty damn fun. Whenever one of the mules says, “It was a living hell” it’s hard not to think, “Sorry, but your hell is my heaven” as you walk over to the fridge shaking your head and opening a Bud Light. Shows like 48 Hours Mystery think it’s a big deal if they tell you they guy killed his wife at the end – b-o-o-o-oring. Locked up Abroad takes you to the prison after the sentencing and shows us the guy fighting for his life for years and years and years and years and years!
Sometimes it’s not about drug smuggling. The Columbia episode was about the ELN (how about fucking Rage Against the Machine supporting these guys? Fucking morons) kidnapping an American who escaped by pouring his own blood on his balls and pretending it was prostate cancer. Whoa.
The early episodes had slightly corny reenactments but they do it so slick now, it looks more like a Mike Skinner video than a pile of actors acting out a story. So please set your DVRs to channel 65 or 765 tomorrow and record the Venezuela episode. Then make sure it records every episode of Locked up Abroad from now til infinity.
UPDATE: We just emailed them David Choe’s story explaining how he beat the shit out of an undercover cop because he thought the guy was just some loony trying to harass him and ended up serving 4 months in a Tokyo prison with nothing but a mattress and, eventually, a pen.
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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Glasses is wondering if he’ll ever make it out alive. At this point he probably wants the whole entire fucking prison system to line up and sodomize him to death, get it over with so to speak rather than having to endure having to picture in his mind day in and day out the whole entire fucking prison system lining up and sodomizing him to death- skinny white kids in prison are so fucking pragmatic. when it comes to Life, in prison.
05.16.08 at 10:37 am
talkin’ ’bout gay people, check that, pleaase do:
http://attuworld.com/hello_kitty_tattoo_on_forehead_yeah_wtf
05.16.08 at 11:04 am
it is COLOMBIA not COLUMBIA
05.16.08 at 11:55 am
locked up abroad is insane. i love that show and cannot stop talking about it. The ELN ep was nutso, the sailing to nicaragua one is ridic as well. can’t wait for some new ones. also i love pussy
05.16.08 at 12:56 pm
cannot be better than LOST
but it sounds awesome, I need to see this
05.16.08 at 1:37 pm
There’s nothing wrong with being gay so long as you aren’t a fag about it.
05.16.08 at 1:50 pm
yeah gay’s alright sometimes
05.16.08 at 3:15 pm
Yeah, this show is pretty awesome. I never smugged drugs but still feel like I look guilty when I go through customs if I smoked a joint in a foreign country or did other stuff. Worried I might have stashed something somewhere. How THE FUCK do real smugglers do this. I’d be sweating my ass off.
I mean, these are just the kids that got caught.
05.16.08 at 6:29 pm
epic
05.16.08 at 8:47 pm
how can you watch this shit? I can’t even read the description. all those lame kids in highschool trying too hard and never seeing their moms again is like krptonight for my buzz thanks
05.16.08 at 9:40 pm
I didn’t choose this name this gay name was automatically there when I wrote this gay shit. get a 2nd nerd opinion to take a look at this site sometimes
05.16.08 at 9:41 pm
that’s cause it’s weird in all my rape fantasies it’s always a venuzeulan cleaning lady named dooadenza
05.17.08 at 12:17 am
i thought it was ‘banged up abroad’?
did anyone see the one with the guy going to australia after staying up on a 3 day binge? the funniest guy i’ve ever seen. understatement king.
05.17.08 at 3:20 am
Yes. It is “banged up abroad” and i’ve seen every episode… waiting for new ones, but the repeats are still worth watching. My personal favourite is the guy who parties with his woman in Thailand or something, snorting copious amounts of coke, drinking their faces off, only to break-up. He decides he should go back to England. He doesn’t want to leave the coke behind and decides that swallowing and taping the rest he couldn’t swallow to his body was a good idea just before he gets/tries to get on a plane. In his defence, he had been up for several days….Guess what happens?
05.20.08 at 8:04 pm
Seen every show…some startling shit here, I love the dude that swallowed like a 100 balloons of coke that got stuck. Probably would have been a killer buzz when they all exploded …but no go. Straight to the clink after surgery…bummer!
06.03.08 at 2:53 pm
I love this show but want to know how they go about filming it. Are these people actors? And what about the prison scenes? It all looks so real. Are the actual camera crews at the airport waiting for this to happen and then they actually follow them around and reinact the scenes before the airport (and if so, how can they do that if the prople are in prison) or is all this acting? What about when Simon’s white naked ass was being searched with all the others? It really looked like him. Someone please explain.
04.02.09 at 10:49 am
rage against the machine support EZLN – part of the zapista movement in chiapas mexico, not kidnappers in colombia. dummy.
11.01.09 at 2:01 pm