I know this site is dedicated to boners and all things related, but sometimes we have to look at the opposite side of the spectrum to reaffirm what we’re talking about. I’ve been in a relationship for a long time, so long that my girlfriend and I are practically married: she yells at me for leaving the seat up, I demand a hot dinner from her when I get home (and threaten her with physical abuse if she doesn’t provide), and we’d probably have a shared bank account if either of us had any money. But the most marriage-like aspect of our relationship is that we’ve stopped having sex like rabbits high on a cocktail of meth and Viagra. And I think I’ve finally understood why. We’re reasonably attractive people (see above), and I always thought married people don’t have sex because they’re too busy dealing with kids or whatever else it is that married people always seem so bummed out about. But that isn’t it. Married people stop having sex because they witness each other doing so much gross shit that the idea of bumpin’ uglies induces nausea. Here are a few examples of anti-boner behavior married (or semi-married) people regularly partake in:
1. Farting and Pooping
It’s wonderful at the start of the relationship when both of you can pretend that the dinner you just shared won’t soon be turning the bathroom into a toxic hellhole. You do your best to take a shit when the other person is at work and even then you use a ton of air freshener. But after awhile, you just stop giving a shit. No. Actually, you start start freely shitting. My girlfriend will now occasionally come running out of the bathroom screaming with tears in her eyes and collapse on the floor dry heaving. All I can do is watch her, shrug, and say “Maybe I should’ve cracked a window?” For her part, she doesn’t bomb the bathroom (thank god), but I now receive detailed reports on her bowl movements and their products. After each deposits, she let’s me know the size, shape, and density of her turds. The little, pellet like shits I can deal with, but when she’s telling me about churning out a foot ball that required a double flush, it’s a little hard to deal with. Flatulence has become an almost non-issue, and the only coping mechanism has become flight. This is especially difficult at night, when occasionally a real gut-buster will actually wake one or both of us. With shit like this I think it’s understandable why neither of us wants to get anywhere near the other’s junk.
2. Smells (minus farts)
At a relationship’s start, both people are almost religious about cleanliness. You take a shower before you meet up with her, and if she sweats even a drop, she’s dashing to the bathroom to scrub off an inch of her skin. But as time wears on your vigilance begins to wane. During a week on the beach, there was a three-day stretch during which I failed to bathe. (Keep in mind that I’m Indian, so our sweat is ultra-concentrated, fairly acidic, and curry-scented; if someone bottled it, it would be a pretty good alternative to pepper spray.) One night during that trip, I was awoken by the overwhelming stench of my own armpits. It was then that I realized why my girlfriend was sleeping on the other side of the bed with her face dug into a pillow. Hygiene is a bigger priority for girls, and luckily it’s an evolutionary trait that they can’t really escape from, but even they can’t smell like Marc Jacobs all the time. Upon returning home from walking all day, it’s not uncommon for my girlfriend’s feet to smell like popcorn or some kind of exotic French cheese. She usually turns red with shame and rushes off to the bathroom, but by that point the damage is done.
3. Miscellaneous
There’s a ton of other natural shit your body does that’s fucking repulsive and that you have to come to terms with if you’re living with someone at close quarters for an extended period of time. Period stains and the dreaded “period-time underwear” become facts of life. In the beginning boogers only make an appearance when your man or woman has got the flu and it can’t be helped, but soon it’s like you’re in kindergarten. you just absentmindedly dig for gold while you’re watching TV, and if you catch something impressive, it’s almost impossible not to show the other person. If you’re hairy (lucky she isn’t; I am), belly lint becomes a reoccurring theme. After a week of the non-sex, you guys are ready to finally get down to business, but when you take off your shirt, there’s a bump of bluish-gray peeking out of your ex-umbilical hole. Then both of you are like, “How fuck does that even happen?” And soon you’re on the computer, Googling “belly lint,” and your boner is out the window.
As gross as you may find all of this, keep in mind that it is going to happen to you. Even if you pussy out of marriage and just live with someone for awhile, shit like this is going to come a knockin’. The other option is to completely avoid long term relationships, but that’s going to leave you to die a lonely, miserable death. So I guess either way you go, you’re going to be fucked. Enjoy.
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4. Hate
After some time you’ll begin to hate your partner. They’ll say something you don’t like and you’ll pretend to be okay with it when you’re not. You will bottle up your feelings until she spills your bottle of Gulden Draak (which was like 10 dollars!) they explode into a violent hellstorm of face-spitting, belt lashings and racial epithets. She will be upset for a few hours…but after a while she’ll thank you for all the spit and the slurs. You still won’t have sex though.
04.02.09 at 4:54 pm
5. Isolation
Being alone is not bad but feeling alone while in a marriage is one of the worst feelings in the world. Multiply that feeling by 100 if you are stuck in the idyllic suburbs with other automatons. Multiply that feeling by 1,00,000 if you are stuck with a partner you would prefer no longer existed but remains nonetheless.
On the plus side, the extra-marital affair sex is always hot and the inevitable divorce proceedings are a laff riott.
04.02.09 at 5:09 pm
Pro tip: In the future, use the ENTER key to make space and make your posts appear more digestable.
04.02.09 at 5:14 pm
Wow!!!!I finally get to see MRS.Wilford Brimley!!
04.02.09 at 5:43 pm
p.s. Isn’t she also that lady from tim and eric awesome show who sings come over?
04.02.09 at 5:49 pm
6. Negative Hotness
She’ll never be as hot or as thin as she was on the day you married her. Especially after pumping out a unit or two or three. Soon every youngster on bedford under 28 will look like the most fuckable chick in the world which you are NEVER going to get, as you push your stroller past their beacon’s-closet-bag-swinging tits.
Oh yes,
7. Bitterness
04.02.09 at 6:32 pm
yes! this is all true, really im 24, two years in and i already WANT my husband to cheat on me,
i can’t bring myself to do it because of my stupid conscience.
04.02.09 at 7:10 pm
Even if you’re married you’ve got a 50% chance of dying a lonely, miserable deaths. Seriously, who hangs around when you’ve got cancer?
04.02.09 at 7:12 pm
your boner is out the window… ha
http://www.cafepress.com/jesushadballs
04.02.09 at 7:30 pm
I would like to eat out that man in the picture’s ass.
04.02.09 at 8:09 pm
I dont believe this. I might be naiive, but maybe what it is is that you belong to the vast majority of the population thats headed for divorce. I dont think thats gonna be me.
(also, i dont think i’ll ever fart and pick my nose and not shower for three days and all that disgusting shit in front of my wife. thats fucking gross and has nothing to do with being married. but good luck!)
04.02.09 at 8:14 pm
I agree with you, beej. There are plenty of people in this world who are perfectly happy to become gross, boring and predictable with their gross, boring and predicatable partner (let’s not forget morbidly obese also because that’s part of the package for a lot of the marrieds within a few years.) It’s the American way for at least 50% of the gross, boring and predictable people you see out there. Some people really do breathe a sigh of relief after they commit legally on a permanent basis and say “aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Now I can be the grossout pig that I’ve always wanted to be and my partner can do the same. Expanding waistlines and shrinking intellects, here we come!”
Your dream is totally within reach. Keep grasping for the basement.
04.02.09 at 8:25 pm
i thought GAMEPRO went under in the 90s.. :S
04.02.09 at 9:05 pm
If you’re stupid and horrible people your relationship can only get worse after there aren’t any hormones to distract you both anymore.
04.02.09 at 9:23 pm
What you need to do is eliminate morality from your relationship. It can be a real cancer.
04.02.09 at 9:53 pm
This essay is exactly why white guys admire their African brethren so much. Black dudes are just like, “Yeah I got me 4 girlfriends and 13 kids with no job, so the fuck what, nigga!?!” All the while white guys (and apparently Indians too) are getting epically neurotic over b.o. and cutting the cheese. Man UP.
04.02.09 at 10:04 pm
Cheater’s sex is indeed AWESOME. I say go to Amsterdam for a month, alone. If you can’t afford decent boarding, go pitch a tent at Camping Zeeburg on the outskirts of town. Ask for Sal and tell him that Joe sent you. If you’re gone for a month and find you don’t want to go back, you know it’s over. Shit, she might not want you back. Meditate on some Dutch hookers while you’re trying to figure it out.
I’m Baback Orama and I approve this message.
04.02.09 at 10:13 pm
Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.
04.02.09 at 10:19 pm
^ NONE OF YOU SHOULD EVER GET MARRIED. NOT BECAUSE ITS TOO “BORING” AND “PREDICTABLE” AND GROSS. IF U CAN’T GET IT UP BECAUSE ONCE YOUR GIRL FARTED U DONT DESERVE TO EVER B LOVED.
04.02.09 at 11:18 pm
CAMPING IN ZEEBURG? F THAT SHITE, TAKES TOO LONG TO GET BACK IN THE CITY. JUST SLEEP IN A VONDELPARK(AVOID THE GAYS AT NIGHT) AND HIT UP THE HOOKERS IN DE PIJP…ALTHOUGH THE ONES IN THE CENTER ARE HOTTER, BUT IF YOU ARE RUNNIN OUT OF CASH, THE UGLY ONES A CHEAPER
04.02.09 at 11:30 pm
You didn’t even talk about the exceptions! Besides what about just hooking up with people until you can’t do it no more without getting into those habits, and getting a dog for companionship.
It seems to be working well for me
04.03.09 at 12:52 am
I think you should focus on the positive aspects of bowel movements.
Try a cleveland steamer. It’ll desensitize you both.
You can use cellophane for the first few times until you’re used to it.
04.03.09 at 1:20 am
isn’t beej too young to even comment here?
04.03.09 at 4:40 am
and that one other guy is right : no one sticks around when you got cancer. if they do, they’d rather be somewhere else. they are just waiting for you to… you know. (i mean die).
04.03.09 at 4:42 am
“cheater’s sex” sounds like a magic the gathering card
04.03.09 at 8:28 am
fuck other people what do you have to lose? it will make you keep up your looks and knowing your gf just fucked some other guy/girl makes you fucking horny thats how the gays do it
04.03.09 at 11:16 am
yeah right you’re really trying to make marriage sound cool. “pooping and farting is the worst part about being married” – bullshit. that shit don’t diminish my boners one bit. boredom is why you shouldn’t get married; you turn into your parents and resign yourself to a fate worse than suicide. which is the best you can do if you’re a medicre person to begin with anyway, so no loss there.
04.03.09 at 2:36 pm
There’s an alternative, which is to embrace all the ugly shit and start to enjoy the smell of their farts and the size of their shits and the belly lint or whatever. Jesus, don’t be such a fucking puss. If you can live with yourself, you can live with someone else.
04.03.09 at 2:51 pm
necktie is right. this guy is a fucking pussy. i love it when my girl kinda stinks.
04.03.09 at 4:39 pm
Just f*ck korean and japanese chicks. They don’t smell and they all poo rabbit pellets. I lived with a korean american chick for three years and she only farted one time in front of me. It didn’t work out though because she was batsh*t and really f*cking jealous. Asian families tend to be really f*cked and they end up making crazy ass bitches with daddy issues.
04.03.09 at 4:54 pm
Is there a word for an antiboner?
04.03.09 at 5:36 pm
post and comments
04.03.09 at 5:53 pm
it just sounds like this dude is pretty gross. i feel bad for his girlfriend.
04.03.09 at 8:16 pm
arvind’s girlfriend is japanese.
04.03.09 at 10:15 pm
Again. Meh.
How’s about something interesting then?
04.05.09 at 1:50 pm