Online dating requires a good bit of sifting through awful messages. There’s the dull (“hi there”), the nasty (“lemme lay that pipe”), the offensive (“orientals are a mysterious race”) and the bizarre (“Would you be interested in me flying you to England? I would make a very kind and loving husband”). Those are easy to ignore. What I have the hardest time blowing off are the ones dripping with loneliness (“I know you won’t ever respond to me, but…”). I recently received one that did a great job of blending all the categories. On a scale of one to terrible, the sadness sits just a little above boring. But the people-watcher in me is always compelled to thoroughly examine a profile, so I clicked on over only to be confronted by my drug dealer. Yay.
Here’s the message:
“So I find myself BORED AS HELL sitting at my drafting table struggling to get through some re-touches that are due tomorrow and finally, I’ve given up. It’s time for a drink. Some friends of mine are going to Wreck Room to play pool. Normally this would be an OK excuse to get out of the house and have a breather but for some reason, I’ve finally realized that most of my friends are extremely vapid, crazy coke heads, so I thought maybe I’d try and throw a stranger in the mix and maybe make a new friend to hang out with. I’m a 6′5” scruffy musician / photographer. I run a nightlife photography company and a record label, and spend most of my time doing that or helping out at a jewelry company my friend owns. I’m totally into awkward situations like this, so it could be fun. You could show up and we could convince my friends that we’ve known each other forever and they just never realized, hahaha. Well let me know what you think.”
And, here’s my response:
“Uh, hey Sean. Are you completely retarded? I saw you less than a month ago. I’m willing to give you a little credit since we’ve only technically met once. But, to be fair, we hung out for about ten fucking hours. Less than a month ago!
Let me refresh your memory. I was the girl who joined in outside of Enid’s on the joint you were smoking with our mutual friend. Then you sold us some blow and we all passed baggies back and forth for bathroom bumps until last call. After the bar, you came to our friend’s place for more bad decision-making. In fact, in between lines on the CD that you dropped on the floor, we had an entire conversation about the same online dating site when Mike asked how me and another friend there met. I was the red-faced girl so caught off-guard that everyone awkwardly watched as I visibly fumbled between deciding whether to lie or tell the truth. It was a pretty memorable train-wreck moment.
Do I get a freebie the next time for your faux-pas? How about a code I can give your ‘associates?’ Also, musician / photographer???”
I’m sure some of you smug Adolfs (I’m looking at you “no.thanks.”) will be quick to point out that perhaps I had this coming; less than a month after my post shitting all over RadChamp, here I am again — only this time, I’m the unrecognizable one. I thought I had remedied this kind of disaster by providing my e-suitors a range of ten pictures that included varying expressions and even one with a double-chin. Guess not. Maybe I need to apologize to RadChamp.
Wait a minute. No, fuck that. My own drug dealer may not have recognized me after all that happened on that debaucherous night but at least I have drugs to blame it on.
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Hmm. You seem a bit self-absorbed. Maybe he has gone outside and met other people since your last encounter. Also, he also hardly sounds like “your” drug dealer, seeing he only sold you a couple little baggies one time at Enids. Calm down a little, your response is far more douchey than his message.
02.19.10 at 11:10 am
I have no idea what this person is trying to say.
02.19.10 at 11:21 am
Coke is for fagots.
02.19.10 at 11:39 am
How about you are a terrible writer and no one cares about you. Go figure out how to get bad vagina odour from your American Apparel leggings.
02.19.10 at 11:46 am
you shoulda thought this idea through before decided what you wrote was amazing and posting it up. I mean, like drippy said, he basically accidentally dealt you drugs once, probably either didn’t remember you and hit you up on a dating site OR thought you were super cute when he met you but didn’t have the gall to get your # at the time so played it dumb and messaged you on a site.
Why you have to hate on a boy’s dreams? And furthermore, why are assholes like you getting hit up but nice, non druggy girls like me sitting in the dust?
Laaaaaaaaaame.
02.19.10 at 11:47 am
what cumbubbles said. + you must have been pretty forgettable in person.
02.19.10 at 11:54 am
wow this should be published and handed out at Nursing Homes (it might make sense to someone who is 87 years old….or Next time just do the Post in English
! INCOHERENT COKE HEAD
02.19.10 at 12:00 pm
Only a hipster could think so highly of herself…
02.19.10 at 12:17 pm
He sounds nice and not retarded at all… the one thing he doesn’t sound like is your drug dealer.
02.19.10 at 12:19 pm
<3 u woops
02.19.10 at 12:20 pm
Everyone knows “musician/photographer” means “rich kid w/ no job”
02.19.10 at 12:35 pm
Coke is for retards,
Dream Big!
Be SOMEBODY!
02.19.10 at 12:48 pm
grow up lady. sheesh.
02.19.10 at 1:51 pm
you gotta be resourceful when it comes to scoring drogas.
02.19.10 at 1:51 pm
I’m sorry I’m so self-absorbed that I think spending ten hours with one person warrants some soft of recognition.
02.19.10 at 2:01 pm
sort, even.
02.19.10 at 2:01 pm
my dealer my dealer my dealer
From what I can glean from this he’s not your dealer, he’s just some scruffy musician/photographer you met one time and who’s hounding after snatch.
02.19.10 at 2:08 pm
There’s too many somebody’s already.
Be an asshole.
02.19.10 at 2:22 pm
“I’m sorry I’m so self-absorbed that I think spending ten hours with one person warrants some soft of recognition.”
Bitch, I could read your shit for ten hours and not recognize a writer.
02.19.10 at 2:34 pm
this article popped up around this time yesterday, and quickly disappeared.
unfortunately, it’s back.
FTR, “joined in on the mutual joint” = unwarranted bogarting
02.19.10 at 3:05 pm
So, you got asked out by a dude you did coke with once?
Look, Street Carnage, I’ve been meaning to say something. Associating something with cocaine does not inherently make it interesting or cool. You’re using the experience of doing coke like most people would use doing something with a celebrity. Ex:
“I went bowling last night” Boring
“I went bowling last night with the dude from the shield” Interesting!
“I went bowling last night and then did some coke” STILL FUCKING BORING
02.19.10 at 3:11 pm
Sounds like not only is he not your drug dealer, he might not even be a drug dealer at all. You’re making assumptions because on some night out he sold you and your friends a bag? “Nightlife photography company” does sound like a pretty glaring front though. I dunno, I think on average he seems like a chill bro and your response was douchy
02.19.10 at 3:12 pm
Also, dude above me: fucking EXACTLY
02.19.10 at 3:13 pm
I run a nightlife photography company and a record label-who doesnt these days?
helping out at a jewelry company my friend owns? under homo-suspicion for that one
I wouldn’t respond because of his ‘interests’ not because he didnt remember my face. I’d let him scoop me up in the coop if he gave me discounts on drugs though.
02.19.10 at 3:47 pm
@Spandrell No, he is. He hooks it up with the friendly fixes. Also, I never said he was a shitty person. Just that it’s shitty I’m not memorable enough.
02.19.10 at 4:09 pm
your tumblr/blog whatever would probably be more interesting if you didn’t bite everything off of the we love you so blog.
02.19.10 at 4:49 pm
@JessicaChinK
Ehh sure whatever. The Joyce sex letters on your tumblr were good.
02.19.10 at 5:31 pm
I’ve spent less than 10 hours hanging out with you. I hope i deserve some recognition…
02.19.10 at 5:51 pm
u guys are being a little harsh. fuck. shes prob a decent 5 and he was so blasted he forgot her face or couldnt match her up with her pix, and she felt a little miffed he didnt recognize her from her on a dating site.
02.19.10 at 5:58 pm
chink woman, do you not know how guys operate? that was most assuredly his dating “form letter” which he sends out to 50 girls on the regular. most likely he never even glanced at your info or pic. you’re nothing more to him than a possible hole for the evening, no offense intended, it’s just how guys do.
02.19.10 at 9:38 pm
Jesus, what a small world internet dating is.
Hopefully that didn’t fuck your coke connect – that would really suck.
02.19.10 at 11:50 pm
I read somewhere that men, when they see a dating profile, have about the same positive-negative reaction they’d get in real life. But women to men, it’s like 80% negative.
Is it that the men on dating sites are just worse? More desperate, or damaged goods, or whatever? Or is it just ingrained in girls’ minds that it’s sort of pathetic for a guy to be there?
One thing I notice is that girls’ profiles will say the same number of stupid/suspicious things as the guys’ ones, but they do it in a sneakier way. The girl’s: “I’m a fascinating and captivating poet, artist, visionary and philosopher who moonlights as a barista. My dream is to go to India and wander through caverns full of emeralds…etc, etc”
The guy’s: “For a living, I write novels about fin-de-siecle Vienna, do a little guitar backup for a couple of famous bands, and illustrate Harvey Pekar’s American Splendor. I want to meet somebody rad who just really cares about…etc, etc”
Notice that the girl is probably lying, but she does it in a way that’s hard to trace: does “poet, artist, visionary, philosopher” equal “gets high and watches the Wire”? Or does she occasionally dash off a few bad poems and “journal insights”? It’s pompous but vague, so if she ever makes any effort at all at fulfilling it, you won’t be completely disappointed.
The guy’s ad on the other hand, is a house of cards; as soon as one part turns out to be fake, the rest quickly follows. The girl admitted that she was a barista, but the guy wants to seem cooler than that, so he lies. Soon it turns out that, even though he’s “passionate about the guitar,” he doesn’t yet have a gig lined up…and so on, and so on. He’d have been better off just saying something vague in the ad, and cleverly defending it later.
Maybe he doesn’t have a day job, maybe he’s just a rich coke dealer. But that means a lot more real-life opportunities with girls, so why would he need to go online?
02.20.10 at 12:59 am
I have to weigh-in on JC’s side. I often meet people who don’t remember me the next time I meet them – when we met when they were wasted, I mean. It’s annoying. Although, people can look very different in photos than in real life, so maybe that was the problem.
Anyway, we need to see a photo of you, Jessica.
02.20.10 at 2:24 am
There’s a photo of her in the older post she links to. Or we’re supposed to think it’s her at least.
02.20.10 at 5:07 am
hahaha
02.20.10 at 10:47 am
@Billy Cox: Let’s be real here, I’m a solid three kitties.
@mlmmmm I don’t think there’s much of a stigma attached online dating anymore so I don’t think it has to do with finding guys pathetic. Otherwise, why else would you meet up with a dude you meet there? Like snatch dot com so eloquently put it, guys are probably more interested in filling a hole for the night than anything else. I think the negativity on the part of a woman has more to do with realizing it when you finally meet that person. As for the smudging of the truth in profiles, it goes for the same with any social networking site. We create these constructs of who we want to be, not necessarily who we are. I think it’s referred to as the “ideal self.” We’re all as guilty of it (to some degree) as the next person.
@Anonymous/JChink: It’s really me in the other post but it’s pretty ambiguous. Anyway, like both of my online dating posts say, I’m not sure that a picture helps much…right?
02.20.10 at 7:48 pm
Only a broad would have such an ego that she’d think someone she did coke with over a month ago would remember her. Also, only a broad would think this was interesting enough to turn into a post.
02.20.10 at 8:53 pm
“guys are probably more interested in filling a hole for the night than anything else”
no
02.21.10 at 8:27 am
I think you’re all making unreasonble demands on the writing of Streetcarnage. I mean, I read it and felt mildly entertained. That’s what I come here for. I don’t expect to be mindfucked by radical new ideas.
Having said that, some of the responses were also mildly entertaining. So keep it up, I guess!
02.21.10 at 9:51 am
@anonymous a ways back up the line…
DAMN SON!!!! nails and their heads type shit
02.21.10 at 9:59 pm
this was so confusing. it read like you were very coked up while writing it. esp the end. i am confused. i need a line to read it. but that makes sense
02.22.10 at 10:28 am
*yawn*
Your name is dumb.
02.22.10 at 6:40 pm
@ sucka free: thanks. Sometimes shit just comes together, you know? sometimes I’m at the keyboard and I’m in the ZONE.
@ Jessica: I had a look at your photo – you’re quite pretty, a solid seven pussies. Nice skin and a sweet face.
02.25.10 at 9:58 am