Because I’m part of a generation that does its best to impersonalize every aspect of life, it was only natural that I take up online dating. I’m not quite sure what compelled me (I was already vaguely seeing someone) but I did it and I saw that it was good. I’ll spare you the happy endings because I know you kids don’t give a doodoo caca about that. Let’s move on to the horror story:
The thing that’s great about online dating is that you can be a creep without feeling like one. It’s not like the time I fell in love with the cripster, a friend of a friend on Facebook, and got shot down. Hard. Plus, it makes flirting every bit as passive as I like things to be. Every time “RadChamp” lurked my profile, I’d stalk him right back so he knew I thought he was tops. When he finally messaged me, I nearly creamed. That uber-babe could have his pick of the virtual litter and he was interested in me?! We made plans to meet at a bar.
Only, when the smokin’ stranger strolled up, it was more in a literal than figurative way. I knew to be wary of this, but I would’ve never even recognized this person if he hadn’t said hello.
They say it takes weeks, months, even years to go through the Kübler-Ross model of grief — I blew through it in a night. I reasoned with myself. I was bummed (depression) but, to be fair, a mix of the jitters and a pre-date beer had me feeling kinda woozy (denial). Also, it was dark. I felt duped (anger) but was I really that shallow? Maybe he wouldn’t be so bad (bargaining) …
So instead of high-tailing it outta there, I walked in. Halfway through the first drink, we went out back for a smoke … which basically never left his hand for the rest of the date. I should’ve known his personality would match his sorry mug when he started hipster hating:
“I moved to Williamsburg a few years ago. Before the fucking hipsters invaded.”
I surveyed his fitted jeans and two-day stubble as he flitted with his iPhone. I remembered how his profile had referenced Vonnegut, The Ramones, Television, and vegetarianism. He assured me he was OG. But even so, I wasn’t convinced that living here for what, the past three, four years qualified anyone as a pioneer. Tell me your name is Henry Miller, Ebon Fisher, Anne Herron even, then we can talk.
But just then, he swooned me:
“I knew it was cool to message you when I saw your arms. If you’re not sure about a fat chick, you can always spot her by her arms,” said the King of e-Deception. “I bet you’ve had sex within the last week… ammi right? Don’t worry, I got laid two days ago.”
You’re gonna go there? On the very first date?
But the real kicker was when he started talking about his parents. Apparently, neither was blessed with great genes — at best, they are “mediocre-looking people” — and he was very surprised that they managed to birth such a beautiful man.
Oh hey, acceptance. I thought you’d never come.
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I love to check out the online profiles. My friend listed herself on there and interestingly enough, neglected to mention her two children, ex husband, boyfriend in jail or her last five birthdays. You just know that this is a crapshoot going in. HAHA
01.11.10 at 10:31 am
So you met someone lame, who wasn’t totally upfront with their e-profile.
01.11.10 at 10:35 am
more more more and link to profile
01.11.10 at 10:38 am
WHAT AN INTERESTING READ. I FELT LIKE I WAS ACTUALLY THERE; BEING BORED.
01.11.10 at 10:53 am
did you know Jessica had a Bad Date? i sure didnt until now!
01.11.10 at 10:55 am
also thanks for explaining the 5 stages of grief mechanism to me. what a great “link”
01.11.10 at 11:00 am
Save this drivel for your livejournal. Congratulations, you went on an internet date, a bad one at that. This might have been noteworthy 15 years ago, but now? Fuck, who wants to date a friend of a friend at this point, or who actually gets “set up?”
And shit, if seeing a slightly pompous boring dude is your idea of a horror show, you really need to get out more.
01.11.10 at 11:14 am
what a heinous piece of garbage. this is bringing back awesome memories. do this more.
01.11.10 at 11:16 am
WHAT KIND OF NERD/PEDOPHILE/BURN VICTIM HAS TO MEET PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET!!lOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
01.11.10 at 11:19 am
“I surveyed his fitted jeans and two-day stubble as he flitted with his iPhone. I remembered how his profile had referenced Vonnegut, The Ramones, Television, and vegetarianism. He assured me he was OG.”
what the fuck are you talking about?
01.11.10 at 11:33 am
I surveyed his fitted jeans and two-day stubble as he flitted with his iPhone. I remembered how his profile had referenced TITS, PUSSY, ANAL, and more PUSSY. He assured me he was OG
01.11.10 at 11:44 am
@sho nuff
“OG” is known to most as an acronym for “Original Gangsta” – which clearly you are not since I had to drop some knowledge on ya ig’nant ass, sho’ nuff. Maybe you should try 4chan (see:4chan.org) That site might be more on your internet reading level.
01.11.10 at 11:57 am
Remember when Woody Allen’s sister got tied-up and Cleveland Steamed in that one movie?
01.11.10 at 12:04 pm
I don’t know what’s going on. I feel old and confused.
01.11.10 at 12:40 pm
Nightmare? Try boring rant.
01.11.10 at 12:50 pm
Hey it goes the other way too.
Women on those sites are like T Rex’s looking for meat.
I bet you found out that guy had a low paying job and focused on the stupid shit he said.
Men’s profiles need two checkboxes.
1>Do you make over 50 grand a year?
2>Are you in shape?
01.11.10 at 12:52 pm
I don’t get the fat arms part..in any case, what a shit head.
01.11.10 at 12:53 pm
DID YOU TAKE IT IN THE CAN? I HEARD YOU DID.
01.11.10 at 1:04 pm
Run, Henry Miller!!! The Dipshitsters are dumping Bukowski for you!!!
1>Do you make over 50 grand a year? NO
2>Are you in shape? YES
Does that get me 50% of the pussy?
01.11.10 at 1:04 pm
Wowowow, this is the worst. Couldn’t someone at least edit this shit?
01.11.10 at 1:47 pm
Did you pay her for this shit!?! FUCK! NO! fuck…CHARITY! I’m crying so hard right now the tears are streaming out my asshole!
01.11.10 at 1:58 pm
Didn’t mean all women. Just the ones on those sites.
I’ve dated some women off those sites and they’re nutzoo.
The dating web sites have them conviced they’ll find Mr. Right.
A rich Charismatic Doctor or artist who doesn’t fart, likes julia roberts, has a big penis and is totally devoted to them.
All the guys want is your vagina.
Who’s more judgmental and shallow now?
No those pants don’t make you look fat. The pants hold the FAT in biottttttch!
01.11.10 at 2:14 pm
I personally won’t message a chick unless i can determine that she has very hirsute arms: hairy arms = a taint like a gorilla mask, and I’m your banana
01.11.10 at 2:24 pm
Jessica, you´re cool. But Vonnegut and Television? You should´ve known…
I like you, try again. I´m gonna stalk you.
01.11.10 at 2:52 pm
this post should have been about gorilla mask taint.
01.11.10 at 3:20 pm
thanks for fucking this up.
you could have made a social commentary about our use of technology and how its creating a divide among people or how we have compartmentalized everything in our lives including love, or how we are in the age of convenience and we want everything to be but a button click away or you could have talked about the global village and how we all know a little something about our neighbors so when you make a retarded ass post about some douche bag that talks about the “real willamsburg” most of the people who come here (not living in W-burg) know what the fuck is wrong with your internet date.
but no, instead you decided to make it retarded-fucking-tastic.
what are you fucking 12?
do you still pass notes to dudes you like?
fucking christ.
01.11.10 at 3:59 pm
YOU CUNT OF A WOMAN.
01.11.10 at 4:58 pm
this is the worst thing i’ve ever clicked on at this site
01.11.10 at 5:07 pm
New rule: from now on everyone must add a ‘lol’ to their comment.
Like this: blahblaahblag global village rant rant
fucking christ lol
01.11.10 at 5:09 pm
Or: YOU CUNT OF A WOMAN lol
01.11.10 at 5:10 pm
one day you guys will learn to love me
01.11.10 at 5:11 pm
LOL CLINTON HILL! Swim!
01.11.10 at 5:13 pm
WHERE IS SHE?
01.11.10 at 5:16 pm
fucking that little pecker! IMBECILE!
01.11.10 at 5:21 pm
girls wonder why fellas act like this. well, it’s because it WORKS with most of the dumb kuntz out there.
01.11.10 at 5:32 pm
where’s the rest of the article? I want to hear about the date
01.11.10 at 5:48 pm
i disagree with the arm theory. chap is failing to take into account the relative size, proportion, and overall dimensionality of the woman in question.
i suspect his last lay was with his roommate, chad.
01.11.10 at 6:24 pm
so you have fat or skinny arms? i don’t follow.
01.11.10 at 6:54 pm
stop bitin my shit. I’m lollin at u bitches.
01.11.10 at 7:44 pm
this article is a drag and a half but ill still probably attempt to stalk you on okcupid
post his profile too
01.11.10 at 8:28 pm
I wouldn’t date any of the commentators.
01.11.10 at 8:54 pm
It’s almost like internet dating is risky or something.
01.11.10 at 10:02 pm
lets hear more from the ‘I videotaped losing my virginity and came too soon’ guy
01.11.10 at 10:12 pm
I liked this.
01.11.10 at 10:40 pm
yes it’s true that nowadays free dating ratio is going up. people use commonly online dating in their lives. i have read something more interesting online dating website here http://www.adultswingerspersonals.co.uk/blogs/search-the-straightforward-online-dating-web-sites/
01.12.10 at 1:20 am
THAT GIRL LOOKS NET NANNERS!!!!!!
01.12.10 at 12:43 pm
Is this entire THING ironic? I feel like I’m missing something here.
01.12.10 at 1:21 pm
so did you guys sex it up? LOL
I tried this internet dating way back and figured you find the same sort of guys in bars for free. Don’t waste your time on it.
01.12.10 at 1:27 pm
Date? What is date?
01.12.10 at 3:24 pm
I get that pussy is great, but just imagine the great fun we’d all have if chicks didn’t exist.
01.12.10 at 4:39 pm
@a4awesome He wishes! I actually spent a good bit of time afterwards lurking his profile to remind myself of it all. But he took it to mean that I was still into him and messaged me again. I told him he needed more pictures since he only has two and he responded “I need a picture of my bed so you can imagine yrself in it”
Also, the site’s free.
01.12.10 at 5:50 pm
Mostly people use free online dating website.i have read attractive online friend site here http://woman-dating-advice.blogspot.com/2010/01/online-friend-can-be-your-date.html
01.13.10 at 3:30 am
yes it’s true that nowadays online dating ratio is going up. people use commonly online dating in their lives. i have read something more interesting online dating website here http://www.swingersearch.eu/blogs/online-dating-helps-to-meet-spirit-friend/
01.13.10 at 4:52 am
What the heck is all that garbling mumbo jumbo abOoOoT? English is not my 1st language, but all i can say is that i found my love on the intrawebs, maybe you are doing something completely wrong.
01.13.10 at 5:51 am
Hey guys, let me just say I am so fucking glad you put a muzzle on aileen “awesome” entries by her comments.
01.13.10 at 8:15 am
[...] will be quick to point out that perhaps I had this coming; less than a month after my post shitting all over RadChamp, here I am again — only this time, I’m the unrecognizable [...]
02.19.10 at 11:01 am