Africa can lick my balls. So can China and fucking Russia and all those far away places filled with unhappy people. Think and act locally because Globally is a total waste of time. That’s what’s so great about NY Cares. They focus on our area and dole out jackets to guys who are right there. If there’s enough jackets, they push the money to shelters or wherever it needs to go. The charity system in New York is actually pretty amazing. You wouldn’t know it but it’s often hard to find somewhere where they need help. For example, on Christmas Eve the mission on Bowery has almost as many volunteers as homeless people. They cook about 5 turkeys and there’s stuffing and potatoes… the kitchen there is HUGE. Of course, the majority of homeless people are crazy so, even though they’re showing awesome movies like Black Christmas inside, most people wait outside in the cold and smoke cigarettes.
(Derrick’s stage ensemble. I couldn’t believe these shoes were too big for him)
Anyway, we really like New York Cares and we worked our ass off on the benefit. They were thrilled with the turnout. All three floors of the Knitting Factory were packed. Though most comedians do about a 7 minute set, Derrick and I rambled on for an hour showing slides and movies and generally pissing people’s pants.
(His girlfriend “Dawn” jumped on stage to yell at him when he talked about getting shit on his dick)
Upstairs John Roberts hosted the night as Paulie P, a shitty Gino comedian who says things like, “Why do I feel like a dick right now? Huh? You know when you’re at the barber and they show you the back of your head? You’re like, I FEEL LIKE A DI-I-I-I-I-ICK.” He also talked about that certain “fat smell” there is which ended with my favorite line of the evening: “Lot of smells in the city. Lot of smells.” Saturday Night Live made a huge mistake passing on his ass. I honestly think it was a weird homophobic thing and I’m not kidding (Lorne Michaels sees all gays as – like – a culture and he’s scared of them taking over the show).
Speaking of SNL, Fred Armisen showed up with a bunch of guys from there including ex-host Don Draper. That dude was acting so giggly and happy I honestly thought he was on E. I guess that’s what most LA people are like when they’re in NY.
Fred Armisen singing a hilarious ditty. David Cross was funny too. That’s a doye but after seeing him a dozen or so times I can’t help but think, “Man, this guy is good at his job.” Eugen Mirman kind of opened for us which confused the audience until I explained Nick Diamonds, the curator of the event, is Canadian and we’re kind of a big deal in Canada which is great if you like being admired by cold bald dudes and girls with weird haircuts and bad shoes.
The dude from Proj Run was there and had kind of a snobby vibe which is ironic because he’s the dude from Proj Run. No? Sam’s role for the evening was to drop acid, sit at a big table, and give people advice. When asked if it was OK to cheat he said, “Not always. Sometimes. Before you’re married. Or always.” One of the strangest parts of the evening was when Derrick expressed his dissatisfaction with Sam doing heroin on the site by slapping him in the face- twice. The evening ended with Derrick being dragged down the stairs by bouncers and Sam saying (on acid remember), “I guess he really hates my pushups. It’s possible.”
UPDATE: MORE PICS AT BROOKLYN VEGAN
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I’m not fond of Sam, in my eyes Derrick is now a hero.
12.09.08 at 3:01 pm
BAHAHAHAHAHA
12.09.08 at 3:03 pm
“The evening ended with Derrick being dragged down the stairs by bouncers ”
hahahaha.
12.09.08 at 3:05 pm
This WAS fun, and I didn’t even get to stay for Cross and Armisen. He’s not lying about the pissing peoples’ pants thing.
12.09.08 at 3:12 pm
The fat guy (not Sam) looks 65% like John Goodman. Sam looks 65% awful. Actually this whole event looks 65% like John Goodman. Like circa King Ralph. And boring. Apparently NY doesn’t care THAT much. And late posts? Fuck you and your sparkle jizzed glad-handing.
12.09.08 at 3:14 pm
doesn’t this post sort of remind you of that guy at work telling you his craaaaaaaaaaaaazy party stories, and he really can’t seem to figure out that you don’t care or that you only came over to ask him to work for you on Friday?
this post is like that, except the only reason i came to this site was for photos of white women, which it has provided. so it’s not a total loss.
later gators
xoxo
p p
zeb
12.09.08 at 3:19 pm
also, i might fuck David Cross. my main concern is that his ass hair is as stubbly as his facial hair.
12.09.08 at 3:22 pm
Sam was awesome. I met him and got a picture of him. Gavin was there and was acting like a total snob as always. But the kind that acts really fake but friendly so it equals double snob. Plus, he cut me out me out of the picture with Sam and Chris March (who is not a snob but my boyfriend!!). Gavin is a dick. But I love what he does so I am okay with being cut out of the pic. Who wants unknown people in their fame pics?
Sam was the best thing all night!
Wish John Roberts did the Jackie and Debra girl. Fuck
12.09.08 at 3:32 pm
Thanks JG, you just used percentage doppelganger jokes so poorly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to use them again.
Your “NY doesn’t care THAT much” jape was pretty good, but Mirman did it better in his set at this amazing, John Goodman-like event.
zeb. has made it painfully clear in just one comment that he’ll never realize how much he sucks, but he went ahead and made another one anyway.
12.09.08 at 3:35 pm
i would slap sam at least 5 times
12.09.08 at 3:43 pm
Don Draper was giddy because he is in all likelihood swimming in 9’s and 10’s
12.09.08 at 3:48 pm
Am I the only one who’s noticed the pushups guy (whom I like) has only 1 shirt? It’s a rad shirt, but it’s the only fucking 1 he’s got.
And hey I’m all for drugs and I’m really anti heroin. However if your schtick is doing drugs and pushups, you can’t leave out heroin just cuz alot of people had a friend who died. That’s like making holocaust jokes but getting offended by 911/WTC jokes. Too soon dude, too soon.
12.09.08 at 4:35 pm
pushups guy appears to be dumb as hell. is he dumb as hell?
12.09.08 at 5:26 pm
Looking good Samuel.
12.09.08 at 5:28 pm
dang i love what david cross is wearing. you go girl.
12.09.08 at 6:03 pm
You’re all such self-sacrificing and compassionate little buggers!
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoy slighting Sam and his self-proclaimed art (stop proclaiming shit) whenever I see the opportunity arise. However, it has recently become apparent that you and your Negro counterpart use Sam as an exceptionally unintelligent sack of personal entertainment. Buckles didn’t slap Sam because of his self-destructive nature; he did it because he can. You’re a bunch of abusive oppressors; now let the man speak his mind.
12.09.08 at 6:13 pm
According to Tim Gunn, Chris March spent so much time in the monkey house that he could no longer smell how shitty his designs were.
12.09.08 at 6:52 pm
think i gotta jump in here. I curated the event, ergo I asked Sam to be a part of the evening’s proceedings, not Gavin and Beckles. Wait that grammar’s all funny. I asked Gavin and Beckles to perform, too, but they weren’t the ones who set Sam up to drop acid. I did. Sam is a great sport and a really good dude, and was happy to go off the deep end for the evening for the sake of a good cause.
I’m not gonna police Sam’s personal choices, but I’m definitely not going to endorse hard drug use. anyhoozers, it was a fun night and nobody got hurt.
12.09.08 at 6:54 pm
BORING.
12.09.08 at 7:45 pm
Anyone who thinks it’s not should…I don’t know. Go somewhere else. Waddya want, I’m tired.
12.09.08 at 7:53 pm
aw man I LOVE THAT LITTLE RED HAIRED PUSH UPS DUDE with the little moustache.
he’s the best.
keep an eye on him though because he could get into trouble in his later years.
the whole heroin thing is bullshit – half the people freaking out about it never did it themselves so they can go to hell about it anyway. its a big care factor so they can act all concerend and make a big deal out of what a big deal they are making out of themselves.
you can do that shit a few times and whatever its fucking sweet so shut up. i did it and no one went running round on the internet complaining about me so eh.
12.09.08 at 8:13 pm
Sam is wonderful. Nick, you as well are wonderful for setting this all up. everyone shut up and appreciate.
12.09.08 at 8:22 pm
I had no idea that Gavin knows Lorne Michaels well enough to accuse him of homophobia.
12.09.08 at 8:22 pm
I don’t know. F-list celebrities are kind of cute and interesting, but in their own special way.
12.09.08 at 8:24 pm
Great to see Pat Benatar back in NYC! But what’s with those hippie clogs?
12.09.08 at 8:26 pm
i c sam is sporting the hairstyle my seventh grade friends referred to as ” the fag flip”. bravo.
12.09.08 at 8:56 pm
Hey Mr. Diamonds,
I really liked the you last night. Please tour as a quartet. It was rocking. I wanna hear “Abominable Snow”.
Thanks,
Me
Ps- I told my friend in LA about it and he wanted to see yous guys.
12.09.08 at 9:18 pm
I’m somewhat disgusted by Sam mostly because he seems symbolic of a peculiar attitude. This benefit, which is, to my knowledge, a rarity for this crowd, sought to serve disadvantaged, at-risk, or whatever term is most aptly applied to “those” kind of people, who need coats and food and the help of their fellow new yorkers and all that. Not that acid puts a whole lot of people on the streets, but seeing what Sam “does,” for his art or whatever, it smacks of being wildly out of touch with the purpose of the event, and more than a little insensitive to anyone who may be where they are as a result of bad choices and no familial bailouts. I do give him credit for turning drug use into a lucrative enterprise. Plenty of people have done well thanks to drugs, facilitating them in their efforts toward some kind of cultural produce, but Sam is an F-list celebrity solely because we watch him do drugs. That IS his cultural produce. Ick.
12.09.08 at 9:26 pm
Well Sam, now you’ve gone and done it. You’ve found the one line most of these pussies won’t cross. Good for you. If you want to be an artist you gotta play with the drugs. All of them. Common sense and art don’t mix.
12.09.08 at 10:32 pm
^^ this guy,” Just a jiggle…Oh! ” dude you are a fucking dick. who gives a fuck about drugs. can you stop being my mom for two minutes, have a look around and realise the reason you have poo in your eyes is because your HEAD is up your ASS. what the fuck do you know about what puts people on the streets? you’re a dick. most of this charity stuff is just cause-related-marketing for people who’ve turned themselves into a brand anyway, but you, urrgh… you’re ruining my hangover man, go away.
i like the push-ups leprechaun guy and the shit he does is funny.
FUCK i have to go back to work
12.09.08 at 10:54 pm
and also whenevr i see a photo of that derrick guy i think about his tiny little blue wang that was posted on this site ages ago, it freaks me out
12.09.08 at 10:58 pm
everyone die.
12.09.08 at 11:37 pm
shut the fuck up!
and you have a stupid name!
12.10.08 at 2:15 am
# “bonnaducci” is an idiot Says:
12.10.08 at 2:15 am
shut the fuck up!
and you have a stupid name!
– I do have a stupid name, but that wasn’t me. It’s not difficult to figure out that it’s incredibly easy to post as someone else on this site, Mr./ Mrs. Violent Reactionary.
12.10.08 at 4:08 am
get a new shirt pushup guy.
12.10.08 at 4:36 am
Beckles is looking about 60, so he needs to worry about his own substance-abuse problems.
12.10.08 at 6:10 am
I want to see more Eugene Mirman stuff on here.
12.10.08 at 9:23 am
Eugene Mirman looked like Prince Valiant with an air house up his ass. The guy makes the Project Runway fatso look sleek.
12.10.08 at 11:00 am
Those are 3 handsome couples in the first shot. Why arent you people breeding?
12.10.08 at 11:47 am
Oh shit son, John Goodman!
12.10.08 at 1:04 pm
Hey, that’s me in the fourth picture with the pink scarf!!! Ergh… Making a weird face mid-sentence.
12.10.08 at 11:55 pm
Wow. Those are all couples up there in the first shot? Did Derrick’s date get dragged out too?
12.11.08 at 12:46 am
at what point did you fucks begin to think that anyone gave a shit about your opinions? really, after vice and all that other shit, don’t you think it;s time to just shut your fucking holes. you’re so interesting, you know
12.11.08 at 2:47 am
Thats the funniest ending. “I guess he really hates my pushups. It’s possible.” haha. Sams the best
12.11.08 at 6:57 pm
[...] you missed the NY Cares benefit because I’m going to be doing about 90% the same jokes. – Pinky on the other hand, will have [...]
02.04.09 at 11:17 am
that jon hamm is one handsome dude, i’ll say! too bad he most likely lasts less than a minute in bed. guys that look like him often do. who has the heart to bring a tear to such a pretty face by telling them they’re just plain awful? not i. just look at me, baby, that’s all i need from somebody that looks like him.
03.18.09 at 10:40 pm