As all sexually active girls know, men are extremely easy to get off. All you need to do is say, “I want to suck a fart out of your ass” to any random stranger and half of us will cum in our pants right there. Because of this, saying something like “she was terrible in bed” or “she did NOT know how to give head” to a girl will blow her mind. Then comes the dreaded question: “How can a girl be bad in bed?”
I think most guys are so happy just to get a girl to go down on them that they never complain, so most girls never know. Not to say I’m really any different — if I can find someone to be naked with, god bless ‘em! I have a mirror. I know what’s up. Either way, here’s a little something about the different levels of performance a girl can achieve when trying to make one out of two:
THE BLOWJOB
Head is such a strange and magical activity that can be better than sex, or painful and embarrassing. From what I’ve heard, a lot of girls won’t give head and I have a message for you: GET OVER IT. I don’t blame you — penises are gross and scary, but if you want to keep your man happy, you NEED to give head.
Level One: This is the only action in this whole “guide” that’s actually not fun at all. This is when a girl either really doesn’t want to do it or really has no idea what she is doing. She will put the dick in her mouth like a lollipop, not try to go very far down, and take it out. Then she will proceed to LICK the outside slowly. She will grip your dick either WAY too hard or barely hold it with two fingers. She will rub her tongue around it for a while and be done. This is the same effect as tickling my arm pit with wet hands — it just feels weird and gross, and I want to grab your whole head and fuck it! But I’m a nice guy and I ask you to stop because “I’m about to cum!” I take over from there ’cause you’re clearly under age.
Level Two: These are the girls that like giving head or have at least done it enough to understand the penis a bit. First is the grip: Most girls can’t get this right and I don’t blame them. What you’re trying to do is have a firm hold on the skin of the dick, but not the whole thing. You’re trying to move the skin, but not jerk the dick. When a girl is at level two she will go down and stay down. She will lift her head up and down occasionally pulling it out to lick it or do the jerking motion a little, but this is mostly her head up and down on your dick and moaning a little. She may or may not swallow depending on if she’s cool or not. (Tip: always swallow.)
Level Three: The funny thing about level three is most guys don’t even know there’s another level. How to find out if a guy knows about the third level is simple: Just ask, “Have you ever gotten head that was better than sex?” If he has, then he knows what I’m talking about. I would say 80 – 90% of girls are in the first two level. Three is a special, reserved for girls DEVOTED to the cock. These are girls who, when you come over, all they can think about is putting your dick in their mouth. Quite simply: They get off on giving head. And when you get off on it, you get creative. Now there are many different forms of this, but I will give you the one I like best. The first rule to giving good head is a lot of spit. If a girl licks her hand or spits on her hand before she does anything, you know you’ve got a Pro©. Through the whole process there must be spit EVERYWHERE. Rule number two: Never take the dick out of your mouth. It’s cold out there! The penis wants to be inside where it’s warm. The motion itself is simple: put one hand around the top of the penis; put your lips right up to where your hand is; move your hand up and down on his dick and never let your mouth away from where your hand is. Also, twist. Don’t twist his dick hard. If there’s a lot of spit, it should just slide around. It’s basically like you’re jerking him off only you’re doing it with you’re mouth and you’re hand. Also, moan. I personally get off on the girl actually enjoying head. I had sex with a girl once who was amazing at giving head and loved to do it. After we had sex I put my clothes on and was about to leave and she stopped me and asked if she could just go down on me one more time. THAT is commitment.
—
FUCKING
Sex takes two people. Both people have to be involved and moving to make it happen the right away. If you don’t know this, you might not be having good sex!
Level One (A.K.A. “The Dead Fish”): This special little category is saved for three types of girls: 1) who are terrified of sex and this is their first time or they really don’t want to; 2) who have had trauma in their past, like being raped or molested; 3) dead girls. Not too much to explain here. These are girls who just lay on the bed with their legs open, never moaning or touching you, basically waiting for it to be over. Having sex with a girl that does this is scary. Especially when she tells you it was great after.
Level Two: This is where 50% of girls fall. These are either somewhat experienced girls or girls who haven’t had sex with a guy they can be comfortable around. They moan and they hold you and they will reluctantly change positions. For a lot of guys, this is fine. Guys just want the pussy and don’t really care about anything else. If you love it, you love it. If you don’t, you still got laid. This type of sex should only occur in high school. If you’re gonna do it, do it right!
Level Three: This is a girl that LOVES having sex and is having a great time. She’s moving her hips with your hips, she’s telling you what feels good and what you need to do differently, and most of all she’s moaning and screaming because she doesn’t give a fuck! She will ask for positions or maybe even tell you what to do. She’ll talk dirty and expect you to do the same. At some point, she might even get on top and fuck you. After sex with this girl, you will have scratches on your back and bite marks on your shoulders.
Secret Level Four: There is another level. The problem with this level is it’s not something that can be taught. It’s something that a girl either has or doesn’t. This is the girl that fucks you. She tells you what to do, she screams and cums multiple times. She stops you during sex to suck your dick. After sex with her, you will probably be scratched to shit and in a little bit of pain. Basically she is an animal and she acts like one. Anything you want to do, she is down for (to a point). She wants to be fucked and wants to fuck you. These girls are fun, but come with serious emotional baggage and can’t really work in a relationship.
—
In the end all that really matters is having fun. If you can be comfortable and let loose a little, you will most likely have fun and have good sex. Every girl can’t get it all. Some girls just don’t like giving head and can’t be forced. Some girls are never gonna be all the way comfortable with you sticking meat in them. But I’ll tell you one thing: If you can be comfortable, you have sex regularly, and you aren’t a complete psycho, your boy will NEVER leave you. Keep his dick happy and the rest will follow!
-TYLER DURDEN
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
his name is Robert Paulson, his name is Robert Paulson, his name is Robert Paulson….
01.08.10 at 9:43 am
urw god this ’shock jock’ shit is playyyyyyed out
01.08.10 at 9:46 am
Bush league.
01.08.10 at 9:53 am
This made me feel weird, like I was reading my kid brother’s diary. “Don’t worry little dude, by the time you are thirty almost all the girls you meet will suck a pretty mean dick.”
01.08.10 at 9:55 am
You forgot married women for level one of both. They’ve got you, and what well adjusted girl really cares about sex anyway?
I love the comment about Level 4 sex girls being unstable, and thus not fit for a relationship. That’s really one of my big problems with marriage: What if you’re used to having amazing sex with crazy women? Once you’ve had the best sex with the craziest girls, married sex can never compete.
01.08.10 at 10:16 am
you’re = you are
01.08.10 at 10:31 am
Really poor effort, but hey, it’s open mic, right?
01.08.10 at 11:45 am
this is shit
01.08.10 at 11:52 am
my gf is a level two on both parts. i’m looking to ditch her and trade up.
01.08.10 at 12:04 pm
tyler dyrden is a genius
01.08.10 at 12:32 pm
you forgot about level 5 sex.
these are the folks that make sex a fucking lifestyle.
01.08.10 at 12:53 pm
Wrong. You can get the kink out of any girl, but usually men are just too tired to do anything but slap us around a little, pull our hair, slight restraint. Man up you bitches.
01.08.10 at 2:12 pm
My newest thing is using my hands to get myself off while I blow my boyfriend. Least messy and most gratifying period sex I’ve ever had.
01.08.10 at 3:03 pm
what about the rimjobs?
01.08.10 at 4:33 pm
i had a crazy girl bite my penis after sex last weekend in an attempt to get it up again for round two. i grabbed my clothes and fled
01.08.10 at 7:28 pm
I have my boyfriend use a dildo on me while i use a vibrator on my clit. I can suck his dick and relax and be horny enough to deep throat his cock. He is the first guy i sucked his dick. I was married for ten years before that with awesome sex but no oral for either partner. We divorce for reasons not related to sex. When my boyfriend and i first were about to have sex he went down on me first. after he was done with my clit he asked me to suck it. How can i say no after he did that for me. My boyfriend is great and motivated to get his dick sucked. We’ve been together one and half years.
01.08.10 at 7:40 pm
never except lower then a level 3 on both of these unless you’re under 20 if you’re over 20 then just ask her to do it how you want it done if she stops who cares but she won’t and if a girl isn’t cumming and getting into being fucked break out a vibrator or just do whatever you want to her if she says no stop and move on it’s not worth it bad sex is pointless
01.08.10 at 7:45 pm
Tyler Durden, really? Wow, original.
01.08.10 at 10:08 pm
normal girl is illiterate
01.08.10 at 11:11 pm
Haha @ poopsmear. I ran away from a guy who kept trying to stick his finger in my asshole. After forcibly ripping his hand away from my crack a couple of times, I jumped off his dick, got dressed and stomped out.
Also he was a Jew with a Bronx accent; during sex he would go, “Fuckin’ shiksa bitch,” which I was into.
01.08.10 at 11:28 pm
Mind blown. Married for 10 years and never given a blow job? Did you skip high school?
01.09.10 at 2:20 am
What I want to know is how you level a bitch up. I’m dating an awesome girl who is terrible at giving head….just terrible! I’m not willing to lose the whole package over sad bjs but i need answers!
01.09.10 at 5:49 am
“These girls are fun, but come with serious emotional baggage and can’t really work in a relationship.”
01.09.10 at 10:25 am
you think she’s going to dump you if you critique her blow jobs? just don’t be an asshole when you do it make it fun not embarrassing and it will be fine she will probably like that you know what you like and ask for it it makes you seem mature
01.09.10 at 11:21 am
that was for beefhello
01.09.10 at 11:22 am
if you want a girl to give good head be her cheerleader. Encourage her when she does good. Also show her what you want. My boyfriend had to teach me and he now gets the best head. If you want her to lick or suck a certain part tell her. It takes a while to learn but most girls are willing if they are motivated. MOTIVATE YOUR GIRL TO GIVE GOOD HEAD BY GIVING HER PLEASURE. IF YOU DON’T KNOW LEARN. If your girl doesn’t know how to give herself pleasure then you can learn together. There are many resources out there. Guys girls hate it when you rush and will respond will less interest in sex.
01.09.10 at 12:22 pm
your level three is NOT a good blowjob ! it’s only one technique that should be incorporated into a repertoire but should not be the entire experience. the best way to get an excellent bj is to get it from a GUY who wants to give you one. he’ll know his way around your knob and be dedicated to making it the experience of your lifetime.
01.09.10 at 10:39 pm
We can conclude that Super Broker is shitty in the sack from two simple factors;
a) She was fucking a jewish guy. Sorry about that, but come on.
b) She doesn’t dig anal play.
You’re boring. Don’t comment.
01.10.10 at 1:14 pm
Seriously tame. What level was the girl who dragged me into the bathroom of a dive bar, did a bump and proceeded to blow me? The next night (our first date), she went down on my butt hole.
01.10.10 at 3:46 pm
i don’t understand – have bloggers stopped masturbating and now they write shit like this and the video ganbang virgin entries instead?
this is the internet. either be porn or don’t. enough of the middleground.
01.10.10 at 4:05 pm
^^right
01.10.10 at 5:43 pm
Then comes the dreaded question: “How can a girl be bad in bed?”
Usually, when they wake up and begin struggling and trying to scream…. :O
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
01.10.10 at 8:41 pm
This sounds like it was written by someone in their 20s. Am I right?
01.11.10 at 11:23 am
you hate your wife, get a divorce
01.12.10 at 12:50 am
Scratches or it’s a bust imo…
07.22.10 at 8:15 am