I can’t parallel park, and this causes me to jerk my head all over to squeeze into downtown spots. Luckily for me though I get a good look at my surroundings while this process unfolds. For example, I noticed a bum had shit his pants a few feet from where I was parking. At first glance it appeared he had simply shit himself. The large brown stain seeping through his tighty-whitey underpants was my tip off. I got out of my car to get a closer look, naturally, and noticed not only had he shot diarrhea all over his ass and legs, but he was in fact wearing a diaper. This obviously destroyed man had also left his previously shat-in diaper on the sidewalk, maybe as a territory marker. I realize society tells us to feel pity and sorrow for a man who shits himself and turns the sidewalk into his personal outhouse, but once I noticed his pants were beside him and his blanket wasn’t even in use suspicion sank in.
Why the hell would you pollute the sidewalk with shit and expose your legs if you aren’t potty trained? Do you want people to notice your shit filled diaper? The brown corn filled rivers running down your legs? The answer is obviously because you want people to notice, or you simply don’t care. But wait! Could it be he is mentally handicapped? Could he have one of a million problems, illnesses, or diseases preventing him from knowing his current situation? If so, why the diaper? Why not simply shit your pants like many of the old people we put in homes?
These questions stung the back of my mind as I reached back into my car for a camera, “Should I do this? I feel bad, like I’m exploiting his suffering.” Then I felt it, the cold and heartless metal of a camera, and I knew then I would be shooting a photo of old shit pants. As I turned back a new wave of confidence consumed me. My line of questioning began to turn from pity and empathy to something much darker, “Why is he doing this here? This is the doorway of an admirable coffee shop. Someone is going to have to clean his shit off the ground. Fuck this, if he doesn’t want a picture of his shitty ass taken then he should cover up.”
The flash went off, a few girls snickered from down the sidewalk, and I felt confused. I knew the second I took the photo that I would be using it for my personal gain. Thus exploiting a possibly disturbed man and casting some seriously bad juju, but at the same time don’t I have the right to take a photo of the sidewalk? And any man who decides to shit himself on it? My answer was obviously a polite “…of course.”
I began packing up my camera, quickly and quietly, not to wake the victim of my late night photo-shoot. I took a few steps back, towards my car, and that’s when it happened, I saw his face.
I noticed then that he was bald, scrawny, and young. Maybe 40, but too young for his current predicament. I began to feel a sense of dread like maybe I had done something wrong, but his closed eyes allowed me to look for a second longer. I noticed his eyebrows, full and dark, and the stubble on top of his head beginning to form a short buzz. The fear that I had just robbed a cancer patient of his last shred of dignity escaped me, and a sense of a job well done filled the void. Sure, I had now seen his face and realized his humanity, but downtown on a Friday night is no place to openly shit yourself. After all, there are quieter places to sleep.
-Nick Lipton
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STREET BONER 1118
Just to be clear, this is not a hole in her tights. It’s a hole in the ass-time continuum that will swallow your entire paycheck if you go near it.
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you think he might be a little touched in the head? stop looking for logic. hes a crazy.
07.17.09 at 10:34 am
brutal
07.17.09 at 11:05 am
Maybe he was an existential artist. We poop and diapers are plentiful would be the theme, douche bags with cameras are everywhere is the cream.
07.17.09 at 11:42 am
Lunchtime!
07.17.09 at 12:01 pm
Nick Lipton of Yobeat.com, again?
07.17.09 at 12:03 pm
my balls are empty.. great photo
07.17.09 at 12:42 pm
This fucker probably WANTED you to do this on some level… acknowledge his existence. I guess even if you’re going to exploit him for your own benefit it’s better than just being ignored.
07.17.09 at 1:40 pm
This obviously destroyed man… HAHAHA
That’s alot of shit for one guy, maybe he gathered all the crap from his hobo friends and stuffed it into the diaper for shock value… or safekeeping.
Not to be critical, but you put alot of soul searching into some weirdo laying in a pile of shit.
07.17.09 at 2:29 pm
I am unsettled.
07.17.09 at 4:39 pm
Best photo yet.
07.17.09 at 4:40 pm
Nick’s writing is super entertaining, and awesome to read. dudes the shit
07.17.09 at 4:44 pm
Takes balls to do bad things. Takes brains to turn them into comedy.
07.17.09 at 5:05 pm
This is real. Photojournalistically a great moment–the blurb that followed dosen’t even necessarily need to be there but of course gave context. That man woke up the next day with a stinging ass.
07.17.09 at 5:21 pm
Nick Lipton does it again, the kid is a literary genius!
07.17.09 at 5:29 pm
it’s a sad sad thing, that man. but i’m happy that i got to read about it for 5 minutes of my day.
07.17.09 at 8:12 pm
stoked!
07.17.09 at 8:32 pm
nick, do you make up names and write positive comments about yourself?
07.17.09 at 8:37 pm
They should make a sidewalk shrine in his honor
07.18.09 at 1:53 am
well done old buddy
“nick lipton of yobeat.com?” hahaha
07.18.09 at 2:11 am
emily, you’re a cunt,
nicholas, you’re my boy
07.18.09 at 4:51 am
Didn’t get past the first 2 sentences.
07.18.09 at 11:57 am
Nick Lipton did infact make up names and post positive reviews.
07.18.09 at 1:04 pm
Nick Lipton’s positive comments under made up names were stunning. Bravo!
07.18.09 at 2:21 pm
Haha I smell controversy. Keep fighting about this it’s great.
07.18.09 at 7:32 pm
I don’t think Nick would care enough to make up his own comments, you people must not know him that well…
07.18.09 at 11:32 pm
Whatever it sucks.
07.18.09 at 11:59 pm
yo that bum shit hisself for real. i think maybe it was because his life philosophy versus my philosophy bla bla bla…here’s a picture of a broken man, jokes, etc. i run that edgy shit yo
07.19.09 at 1:24 pm
“I noticed then that he was bald, scrawny, and young. Maybe 40, but too young for his current predicament”
Yes, and that’s because old people totally deserve every loss of dignity that comes their way, those wrinkly bastards.
07.20.09 at 9:21 am
bump^
07.20.09 at 3:26 pm
I think we can agree on bloggers exploiting those diarrhea diapers-situations, so we, the readers, can have laugh and save battery life of our cell phones. This way we can make an entire nuclear plant obsolete which will keep the hobos happy. Everybody wins!
07.20.09 at 9:27 pm
yo fuckin rule
07.29.09 at 1:30 am