1. Find an online version of Karl Marx’s “On the Jewish Question”
(I’ll do it for you: http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1844/jewish-question/)
2. Copy the relevant text
[ED: I guess I'll have to do this because the author's a lazy dick...]
3. Paste text into a blank Word document
[Simple enough.]
4. Replace all instances of the words “Jew” “Jews” “Judaism” and “Jewish” with “Hipster”
[Alright.]
5. Replace all instances of the word “Christian” with “Reg” or “Norm”
[This better be fucking good 'cause this is taking awhile.]
6. Read
[Bruno Bauer replies to them: No one in Germany is politically emancipated. We ourselves are not free. How are we to free you? You Hipsters are egoists if you demand a special emancipation for yourselves as Hipsters. As Germans, you ought to work for the political emancipation of Germany, and as human beings, for the emancipation of mankind, and you should feel the particular kind of your oppression and your shame not as an exception to the rule, but on the contrary as a confirmation of the rule.
Or do the Hipsters demand the same status as Reg subjects of the state? In that case, they recognize that the Norm state is justified and they recognize, too, the regime of general oppression. Why should they disapprove of their special yoke if they approve of the general yoke? Why should the German be interested in the liberation of the Hipster, if the Hipster is not interested in the liberation of the German?
The Reg state knows only privileges. In this state, the Hipster has the privilege of being a Hipster. As a Hipster, he has rights which the Norm do not have. Why should he want rights which he does not have, but which the Norm enjoy?
What the fuck? I see where you're trying to go with this, but it's not exactly working.]
7. Secretly become a Marxist
[Fine.]
8. Feel a great shame of your bourgeois stratum and its associated privileges
[...]
9. Desperately try to escape said social class by co-opting specific struggles (preferably those of the predicted “winners” of class struggle)
[Go dumb NYU kids!]
10. Realize what you’re doing (repeat step 8.)
[I realize that I'm wasting a ton of fucking time on this charade.]
11. Give up, and have fun
[I should have given up on this awhile ago.]
12. Desperately covet the profligate lifestyle, which is needed to have the best fun ever
[Anything is more fun than what you just put me through.]
13. Understand
[Fuck you]
- Don Malkemes
Leave a Reply
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.
.. are you in high school?
06.26.09 at 11:10 am
This is a song about the dangers of dating hipsters
http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2009/07/menage_a_twang.html
07.03.09 at 11:12 am
Good thing all those PHIL 100 textbooks finally came in handy.
#8 got me stuck – how am I supposed to hate myself for class mobility? Should I listen to my Irish roots and work in a textile factory until I have 17 kids and die at 35? Please help me, wise Marxist.
07.03.09 at 12:03 pm
yuppie go home!
07.03.09 at 12:17 pm
I would say he almost had a clever idea, except he didn’t. Merely a brain fart with a marxist flavor to it.
07.03.09 at 2:40 pm
wow i thought it would be funny but it was excruciating
07.03.09 at 3:41 pm
Glad to see that BN still has absolutely no regard for white man’s time. Fight the power, yo, fight the powers that be.
07.03.09 at 3:45 pm
someone should travel back in time and give him acid so he doesn’t write something so drab
07.03.09 at 6:35 pm
supremely gay.
07.03.09 at 6:43 pm
Not good.
07.03.09 at 9:48 pm
“UNDERSTAND” you suck fucking sub-saharan african AIDS dick
07.04.09 at 3:36 pm