Much like the crass femmy protagonist of Charlotte Roche’s explicit and hilarious first novel Wetlands, I have a cut on the inside of my asshole. This anal fissure bleeds bright red like cherry flavored wine. I used to get all my reading done sitting on the toilet. My average was thirty minutes, but sometimes I would squat in a bathroom for hours poring over the pages. I am not allowed this pleasure any longer as it causes undue stress on my anus. In order to soften my stool I have to start eating way more fruits and vegetables. The situation could certainly be worse. Luckily I am not dealing with a hemorrhoid or Crohn’s disease or something else awful. A half Parisian, half LA scumbag I once knew had a bloody coil ripped out of his arse with a hot poker. Can you imagine how awful that sounds? I just have to quit giving birth to food babies every time I go number two. Okay, one last question: If you had to choose between drinking a glass of ass blood or God’s blood, which would it be and why? At the beginning of the hemorrhoid opus All the Assholes in the World and Mine by the Buk writes, “no man’s suffering is ever larger than nature intended.” That book reminds me of a great porno from ‘77, Water Power. The film’s protagonist is a crazy Vietnam vet, Burt. He goes around forcibly entering the apartments of beautiful young women. Burt gives the girls industrial sized enemas at gunpoint as a means of cleansing their tainted souls. Is this what I have come to?
- Matthew Lee
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all over the place
08.21.09 at 10:13 am
Doesn’t Doc Kellogs have something to do with the enema?
08.21.09 at 10:56 am
I’m so ironic that I am not even ironic anymore, which makes it even more ironic, not being that way. Or not. I’m serious.
08.21.09 at 11:03 am
amazing.. A Jamie Gillis reference !!
08.21.09 at 2:00 pm
… What?
Try less coke next time.
08.21.09 at 4:59 pm
Wetlands was shit.
08.21.09 at 5:00 pm
wowww how about trying to follow ONE of the like SEVEN lines of thought you tried to mash into one piece of reading but failed miserably at?
08.21.09 at 6:19 pm
I had an anal fissure for years. Got it from taking pills and doing that thing where you squat on top of the toilet seat instead of sit (don’t do that, it’s an ass tearer). I eventually had to go to the butt doctor to get it cauterized. The worst thing wasn’t the bloody ass every time I took a dump, it was the walking around with a rectum that felt like the 8th circle of Dante’s extremely itchy hell. I had to use prep h moist wipes or take a shower after every turd, sometimes both. Well, that’s the story of my anal fissure. Hope you enjoyed it.
08.21.09 at 10:08 pm
i didn’t enjoy it one bit
08.22.09 at 5:21 am