I’m sitting at my desk in the teacher’s room, marking a stack of papers. I want to leave. My boss Ronald walks by on his way out. “I’ll see you guys around.”
Me and the funny Peruvian guy I sit beside are stationed in the “Korean” sector of the office; we somehow slipped through the cracks. We are an island of anal jokes in a vast sea of aunt-an-uncle riffs and over-exaggerated laughter. Half of the 20 teachers in our office are Korean girls.
My spot in the office is a mixed blessing. Koreans have no bubbies, but 1 in every 10 has an ass. They disguise these structural deficiencies by showcasing their legs with tiny skirts and heels 3-4 days of the week. 2-3 of those days, the skirts are accompanied by every man’s kryptonite, the knee-high sock. The boners are furious. My dick gets headaches. I look down my shorts periodically to see him wheezing like my Dad bent over during half-time of his yearly touch-football reunion. I offer him my puffer. He labours to wrap his urethra around the blow-hole, takes several deep tokes, and waddles back to his post as a flaccid fire-hose patiently waiting to put out the burning school house on Memorial Day.
My seat in the office is a “mixed” blessing because Korean women are not funny, at all. It’s a drop dead fact. There are 180 degrees in a triangle, four sides to a square, and zero jokes inside of a Korean woman. Exhibit A: Rebecca. Rebecca is a 33 year old, stone cold Korean fox who tops the over/under on skirts worn per week at 4-5 wears. Unfortunately, knee-highs are not in her repertoire. She sticks with a bare leg or a simple black tight.
Rebecca’s response to Ronald’s “I’ll see you guys around,” is “Goodbye Jorge.” There’s a flag on the play. A mistake has been made. Ronald’s name is not Jorge. Under usual circumstances, the person who fucked up would laugh for two seconds, say “Whoopsie doosers,” and wave Ronald out the door. Case closed, no biggie, let me mark my fucking papers right? Not in Korea. The women here go through such epic droughts of sincere laughter and fun, that a simple slip of the tongue can cause a geyser, a fucking explosive, gut-busting 15 minutes of the worst riffs you’ve ever heard on the topic “Jorge is not Ronald’s name.” I am not kidding, I wish I was. The moment Rebecca utters “Jorge,” ten women detonate. Proximity mines. A bland comment waltzes into the room, unzips his corduroy pants, and peels away his briefs to reveal a pixilated collage of light pinkish hue that faintly whispers the suggestion of a cock. Two seconds later the place is a mushroom cloud of laughter. I mean fuck, the preceding metaphor does not even feature an actual cock. A cock would be funny. But it’s not a cock. It’s a sterile, butchered excuse for a cock. I am a lonely, innocent egg in a coop of cackling chickens, and their heads are falling clean off.
I drop my pen with purpose. As I bend down to retrieve it, I snipe a coarse “what the fuck is going on” glare across the office. My malicious glance immediately realizes its karmic potential, as I find my body being towed into the Bermuda Triangle of laughter. I am helpless, and it takes me 7 full minutes to tread through the bedlam and wrap my hands around someone coherent. When I do, she pants, “Rebecca, (deep breath) Rebecca, (deep breath) Rebecca (her jazz hands are up, shrieking ‘get a load of this’) called Ronald…Jorge.” She collapses on the floor, and thrashes around like T-1000 in the giant bathtub of lava during the climax of Terminator 2. The rest of them follow her descent like lemmings.
After the dust from the initial blast clears, traces of the explosion can be heard 30 minutes later in those tiny, guilty giggles that burst out at the dinner table after your Dad has given you shit for sculpting lewd appendages into your brother’s mashed potatoes. As the last waves of snickers refuse to snuff themselves out, I am struck by an image I can’t shake. It’s haunting me. The mash of lewd appendages I covertly whipped up all those years ago, has slowly, giggle by giggle, transformed into a veiny Mount Rushmore of the most hilarious cocks ever witnessed, by man or beast, when the laughter it produced is compared with the laughter a simple slip of the tongue created just 30 minutes ago. God bless you Korea. God bless you for being so hilariously unfunny that my childhood memories have emerged as a throbbing deity of phallic comedy that I’ll never forget.
- Shaun Roncken
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
07.31.09 at 9:20 am
So you sucked the peruvians cock?
07.31.09 at 9:31 am
really good.
but i’m a bit taken aback to learn that teachers, adult professional women, wear knee socks to work.
07.31.09 at 9:47 am
God this made me laugh, and I’m not even Korean.
07.31.09 at 10:20 am
i dont usually comment on this open mic foofaraw but this was excellent.
07.31.09 at 10:21 am
First rate
07.31.09 at 10:25 am
What’s wrong with you people?
07.31.09 at 11:10 am
let’s get married and make some writin’ babies with fine syntax
07.31.09 at 11:12 am
Nice, if a bit florid. I would read more of this person’s work.
07.31.09 at 11:23 am
a BIT florid?
07.31.09 at 11:45 am
you can’t have an over/under of 4-5…..it would be an over/under of 4.5….leave it to a hipster to not understand this type of shit, but try to incoporate it anyway….your dad is dissapointed in you
07.31.09 at 12:07 pm
korean girls are funny. you just have to get’em talking about dogs or poop.
07.31.09 at 12:22 pm
more.
07.31.09 at 12:45 pm
First good Open Mic post.
07.31.09 at 1:01 pm
Pongoo
07.31.09 at 1:12 pm
funny shit dude. well written.
07.31.09 at 1:41 pm
i got a david choe vibe from this
07.31.09 at 1:51 pm
I mean seriously watch Davids show and read this post with his voice narrating it in your head. It works perfectly. http://www.vbs.tv/shows/thumbs-up/
07.31.09 at 2:00 pm
Actually not bad….
07.31.09 at 5:40 pm
they must be puffing on some cheeba
07.31.09 at 5:50 pm
ill wear knee socks for ya
07.31.09 at 6:04 pm
The premise of this was good. But by any standard (SBTVC being the exception apparently), the above was a confusing jumble of words and imagery that took several re-reads to understand.
Conclusion: smoke less pot and you’ll be a bit more lucid. And your writing won’t suck as bad.
08.01.09 at 9:21 am
Korean girls got booty? Oh snap
08.01.09 at 10:54 am
Ugh, that bitch in the picture is a Photoshop disaster.
08.02.09 at 6:19 pm
This was some of the best writing that’s ever been on this site, pre-occupation with dicks aside.
08.02.09 at 8:54 pm
What the hell just happened to my brain?
08.02.09 at 11:59 pm