Two days a week, I get paid to sit in an office and send a bunch of emails (like this one, kinda). Though the thought of office work may sound tortuous to many, I think I will like my job from the months of September through April. Why? Because it’s not fucking peach season. I’ll clarify.
I sit next to this homely wench who, when not talking grad-school with the intern, audibly enjoys fellating stone fruit on notch eleven. All I can do is exchange awkward glances with my coworkers that confirm our mutual irritation as she does data entry with her headphones on, obliviously slurping away. I have front row seats to the chin-dribbling, pit-gnawing review she performs every fucking morning and it’s making me fucking nuts. A visual aide:
This is what I get to stare at all day. Groooooossssss. Or is it?
Currently, the only coping mechanism I’ve effectively devised is to click through gratuitous American Apparel slide shows while she does a number on the produce. It’s a sensory illusion and it almost works well enough to achieve a climax if I shift my weight around on this weird ergonomic chair rapidly enough. Pathetically, it’s the only thing that gets me through my day, and I’d gladly go without if I could.
With my luck, she’ll be deep-throating bananas all winter. Can’t wait.
-C
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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umm what? next.
08.28.09 at 10:43 am
Ok…stop this nonsense right now. It’s what…lunchtime in NY right now, no?
TELL THAT BITCH TO SHUT HER HOLE.
No excuses.
Do it!
08.28.09 at 12:06 pm
seriously, quit being a bitch and tell fatts mcdumpenstien to stop eating like a horse.
08.28.09 at 12:43 pm
I would go on a killing spree if I were you. All the cool kids are doing it.
08.28.09 at 1:43 pm
This fat girl who sits next to me at work eats a load every day. She has huge blubber lips and massive buck teeth, so not only do I hear that smacking sound, which resembles a dog licking its nuts, I have to watch her big ol’ lips and teeth process the food. The thing that makes me the angriest is the look on her face when she eats. She looks so smug. Sometimes she has this creepy smile on her face as she looks down at her plate of tamales. I imagine it’s what a rapist looks like right before he rapes. She brings buffalo wings in a lot and sucks on them before actually biting them. She has a fatty starbucks drink every day, too and most of the time she starts choking while she drinks because she’s chuggin’ away. Chug chug chug. I have a headache now.
08.28.09 at 9:03 pm
Why don’t you put your headphones in?
08.28.09 at 11:06 pm
Yeah, you funny.
08.29.09 at 10:17 pm
headphones. I would kill everyone in my office if I didn’t have them!
08.30.09 at 12:01 pm