Girls who don’t do drugs can be a drag to be around, but those who condemn it with biblical scorn are a unique breed of lame. They think drug addicts got shanghaied into trying it one time, their life spiraled out of control, yadda yadda, etc. What a bunch of dorks. Everybody who isn’t a complete loser knows that coke is weed with more high-fives, and the only people who get addicted are either way too rich or have deep-seeded insecurity issues — and in all probability, you are friends with neither of those types. Girls who want you to cut it out are a bunch of meddlesome yentas, they’re clueless shitheads, and SHIT — now you’re dating one. How did that even happen!? Well … shit. Let me help. Just follow these simple steps towards blessed secrecy:
BUY EARLY
This is the first and most trustworthy step. We’re all 23, right? Right. Everyone knows what it means when you run outside “real quick” at 11:30. Avoid this at all costs. Buy Enough to avoid the impossibly obvious cokehead shuffle. This takes some practice, because a) your dealer is a Dominican fucktard who can get lost anywhere, and b) at 6 in the afternoon, you can’t imagine doing 140 dollars worth of coke. But you did it, sport! Just bite the bullet and pay up. And the off-chance of extra in the morning is pretty cool.
TOSS THE BAD APPLES
Bros over hoes, right? Yeah … anyway, unless playing Xbox and going home to Hangelina Jolie is your idea of shredding, avoid mixing the old lady and your derelict friends. Hey, if you NEED to hang with the boys, do it early while you’re trainspotting before you meet up. I mean, they’re just as bad as you; they’ll want to get down in the late afternoon, too. This is called “having your cake and sniffing it too.”
ADMIT NOTHING
Chances are some of her friends are cool. She doesn’t like this about them, but she’s willing to overlook it. For them. Not you. Even though the rush of doing a bump with her best friend is rad and shit (and from then on you get to have a fun inside-joke), don’t give in. Further more, act like a square and don’t even mention / allude to your habit / problemo. It will get back to her.
DON’T RATIONALIZE / COMPENSATE
Getting fucked up and trying to act all suave like, “I got an A in ancient sculpture” makes you look like a retard. She is not impressed, and even if you do manage to keep a stiff upper jaw, you’ll just come off as a bull-shitting drunk. We all know you’re not going to grad school, and all you do at your internship is look at Facebook. Worst-case scenario is she recognizes your (sweet, sweet) coke talk as just that, and decides to hang out with your less-fucked friends. Just be drunk and funny, idiot.
STOP DOING DRUGS
She’s right. Just fucking cut it out. Remember when I said buying early was the most trustworthy step? I lied. Quitting is. Chances are, you’ve shat the bed before and got dumped because you act like a Jacovasaur when you’re high. I know the rule is to cut it out at 30, but if you keep putting it off, 40 really does become the new 30. Male cougars are fucking pathetic (if they exist), and you’ll end up regretting your habits, rather than your square girlfriend. It hurts, and now she’s marrying your old best friend. (You’re not invited to the wedding.)
-PETER W GLACKIN
Send “Open Mics” to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
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I love all the tips except for the last one. Male cougars have existed for centuries, just ask my casting couch.
02.05.10 at 12:07 pm
I like this.
02.05.10 at 12:30 pm
This is true. Although, few things are worse than girls who are really into drugs. A lady with a bong collection ain’t a good sign.
02.05.10 at 12:34 pm
it’s “seated.” deep “seated.”
02.05.10 at 12:50 pm
huh, it IS ‘deep-seated.’ I learned something after all!
02.05.10 at 1:08 pm
I agree with jay
02.05.10 at 3:10 pm
Secret is to have a lady who’s into drugs, but not quite as much as you are. That way you’ve got somebody to party with who “gets it”, but who still has her shit together enough to recognize that you just did an entire bag before 3:30 in the afternoon, and maybe you oughta cut back a little there, kid, whadaya say?
02.05.10 at 4:43 pm
why is it worse when a girl is into drugs?
02.05.10 at 6:15 pm
Maybe you could just slip out and stab a Mexican in the gut.
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/03/mexicos_drug_war.html
02.05.10 at 6:50 pm
bitches all gettin in my bidness
02.05.10 at 6:59 pm
The reason it’s “worse” is because she WILL fuck her drug-dealer and you WILL feel like an impotent piece of shit cause he’s a dude with a knife and a much more serious drug problem than your “lol me and my shitty friends ran, like, a mile last night SOOOO HIGH”.
Yeah, fuck you, it IS personal.
02.06.10 at 3:49 am
im fucking weird but this sounds like someone who really wished they wrote all those vice lists from years ago about drugs and partying and what not to do, and they liked it so much they stuck it down their throats and started masturbating their whole body
02.06.10 at 6:10 am
you lost me at deep-seeded. fuckin a.
your shit is bunk.
02.06.10 at 4:50 pm
this is funny but none of this shit is gonna work. it could use some real tips about lying and back-peddling and a super-hyperbole or two.
02.06.10 at 8:24 pm
eventually, coke becomes not fun anymore, and you quit. No need to think or try, it just happens.
02.07.10 at 3:11 pm
I realize people of all ages have always been stupid, but is there anything stupider than today’s twenty-somethings-and-younger?
Deep-seeded, indeed. You really honed in on the problem.
02.07.10 at 5:37 pm
@bolo- Here’s a trade secret: when coke becomes “not fun anymore”, start smoking it.
02.07.10 at 5:38 pm
@bolo… I AGREE ONE THOUSAND PERCENT! Oh yeah, don’t listen to Hipster Holocaust!
02.07.10 at 11:44 pm
@Rick James. How did that happen maaaann? I guess if you have the kind of dough and fish scale it does?
02.07.10 at 11:46 pm
and don’t leave empty baggies on your fucking mess of a nightstand. you’ll forget about it and she’ll find it.
02.08.10 at 12:38 pm
THIS IS GAY
02.08.10 at 12:38 pm
The REAL secret is to make sure she’s into the no-baby pill. Nothing worse than a lifetime bond with someone in a relationship that has a six-month expiration date!
02.08.10 at 1:38 pm