This isn’t making an iTunes playlist for a friend, man — this is a compilation that matters to everybody, everywhere, at all times. You better shit or get off mommy’s lap because if you don’t come through with some good advice, these commenters will EAT. YOU. ALIVE. I mean, have you read Vane$$a’s work lately? Honestly, “How to Pick Up Strippers” was an excellent fucking read, but my man V’s all, “I see your How To List, and raise you this witty riposte! BURN.” His comments are tight, and same with all the others, so if you can’t please them, make like Japandroids and Post-Nothing.

Now, with that in mind, let’s learn you a lesson in learnin’ lessons:

1. IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU, BABY
The only –ism I love more than jism is solipsism, so remember: You’re number one, comrade. This list is about YOU and YOUR gleaned wisdom imparted on the masses. When you take others’ thoughts and experiences out of the picture, the levees of free association will break and flood your list. You won’t be constrained by outside sources or empirical evidence anymore, and your list will outline the BEST way (a.k.a. YOUR way).

2. DON’T WORRY IF IT’S UNORIGINAL
So you think you can eat pussy, do ya? But you don’t want to write a “How To” for it because it’s already been masterfully chronicled? Fuck that! I read that thing too, and all I could do afterward was suck dick and rub balls. Therefore, I would LOVE to read your version of it, and would never consider it unoriginal or mindless fucking garbage. You see, 90% of what you want to write about has already been done, and 80% of it mastered, but did that stop Bukowski? Hell no. He read John Fante’s Guide to The Hockey Team Fucking His Girlfriend and tore it a new asshole. You can do the same, pal. Gavin is but one man.

3. OWN IT
Like I said, you’re number one, and being the boss of shit comes with that territory. Like Ben Affleck said in Boiler Room, “act as if you’ve got a 9-inch dick,” which is to say, nobody can dish on this topic with more authority than YOU. YOU’RE the one with the dick like an obelisk, and YOU’RE the one who’s gonna tell it like it really is. If your literary swagger makes Philip Roth sound like a beat writer, you know you’re doing your job.

4. HYPERBOLE FUCKING RULES!!!!!!!!

5. NAME DROP
Throwing around the names of minor celebrities can only add to your authority, because people are easily convinced if you mention your friendship with XXX. Not that you NEED to do this (because you’re already smarter than your readers, dummy), but making your audience feel small is a cherished “How To” List tradition.

Special Insider Tip: The more esoteric their work / celebrity is, the better (see: Teddy Wiseau) –- making readers feel small AND stupid is icing on the cake.

6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO ABIDE BY YOUR RULES
I was Facebook chatting with a friend the other night and she mentioned how I never bothered to hide my own “habit / problemo” from her. I patiently explained that since it was MY article, I could adopt a “do as I say, not as I do” mentality –- needless to say, this genius short-circuited her brain and she needed to sign off abruptly. You need to think in terms of bettering your list, and if that means including a totally funny step that either a) never happened, or b) you yourself did not follow, screw it — throw it in there. Biggie didn’t even follow all of his own 10 Crack Commandments (number 3 was “don’t get murdered”). Accuracy be damned, your list is going to make the commenters shit bricks of laughter in their cubicle all day!
—

And I’m sure there are some more things to remember. But what the fuck do I know? You’re the master — remember step 3?! All you need to know is that writing a “How To” List is easy and exciting. Eventually, you’ll feel confident enough to pen an “A to Z,” and maybe even a “Scene Report.” If you start humbly with a “How To” List, you’ll hone your skills of proselytizing and create an irrefutable air of intelligence. No one can say “no” to that, and maybe you can make people realize they had problems they didn’t even know they had. Like an infomercial!

Now get off the fucking Internet and start solving other peoples’ problems, you stupid pussy!

-PETER W GLACKIN

Send “Open Mics” to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com

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