Dudes, I had a serious epiphany recently and I would like you to acknowledge it. And by acknowledge it I mean I am gonna tell you about it and you’re gonna like it.
I invented a culinary situation that mabes changed my life. I mean, I don’t want to say it’s the best sandwich of all times, but … it’s the best sandwich of all times.
Here is a step-by-step guide to GREATNESS:
1. Get yourself a copy of the Anthony Keidis autobiography Scar Tissue, or as I like to call it “Beejers, Bonefests & Heroin”, and GET INTO IT. This is crucial to the sammich process.
Stop making that face — this book is amazing. First of all, he has dated everyone and everyone INTERESTING, like SINEAD O’CONNOR (!?) and like, a teenage Ione Skye. Also, the writing is unintentionally hilarz. He is like some weird tantra hippie these days and every cracked out love affair is like, “oh what a sweet beautiful angel she was … We rocked each others’ worlds for a blissful six months of sweet love” or some shit. I mean, it’s amaze.
2. I hope you realize by now that you should def be stoned when you read this book. I guess it’s your choice but the PROSE and following SAMMIE will not be as monumental if you are sober.
3. Somewhere around AK’s description of how they wore the giant light bulb heads for “Woodstock ‘99”, decide you deserve a SNACK to end all snacks and go to the kitchen.
4. Ok now, I you just need to TRUST ME: Take some seven grain/nine grain/whole wheat whatever bread, lay down some chunky peanut butter (hippie steez – not too much sugar, I made this thing while I was living in Portland, and it’s ALL hippie peanut butter there), raspberry preserves (please don’t use grape jelly; what are you, nine?) and then, THEN …
… a nice generous layer of SRIRACHA HOT SAUCE.
Yeah dude, you heard me: the stuff in the clear plastic bottle with the green top. THAT SHIT IS AMAZINGGG.
Peanut buttah, preserves, and HOT SAUCE. Shit will change yo life. Sweet, salty & hot.
In honor of AK, I have dubbed the best sandwich of all time “BloodSugarSexMagik”. Now go forth and stonersnack. THANK ME LATER.
-WHITE LIGHTNING
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
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I think I’m actually going to try this.
10.09.09 at 10:13 am
Sans the book.
10.09.09 at 10:13 am
the book really is good, fidel approves!
10.09.09 at 10:17 am
Arv I think we should get started on our first-20-pages-only book club.
10.09.09 at 10:17 am
seriously epiphany????
10.09.09 at 10:17 am
The first 20 pages book club is as good an idea as the sandwich
10.09.09 at 10:39 am
SRIRACHA is too serious for me…..I can’t take that heat!
10.09.09 at 11:01 am
It’s def amaze yo, totes. Puke.
10.09.09 at 11:09 am
Pffft….just sounds like peanut butter and (haven’t you ever heard of..) hot pepper jelly (?).
10.09.09 at 11:29 am
I wish everyone who wrote/talked like the above article would do us all a favor and stop
At the very least, can we quit w/ the word “steez”?
Thanks
10.09.09 at 11:45 am
shit will change yo life! totes amaze!
10.09.09 at 12:12 pm
LISTEN MUTHERFUCKER.
you cannot mention sriracha without calling it by its other name…..Cock sauce.
did you grow up around angry long legged puerto ricans or what?
10.09.09 at 12:51 pm
another fun thing to do with that book is: when you have any decision to make, open to a random paragraph, read it out loud, and interpret what you have read to help you make your decision!
one of my favorite parts is when he has blood running down his arms from shooting up and he still manages to convince ione skye’s mom that she should let her 15 year old spend the night with him.
or how about when he’s like 11 and watching cher get undressed?
10.09.09 at 2:07 pm
It’s important to have a biographer when you probably can’t write.
10.09.09 at 3:48 pm
Oooo… I LOVE cock sauce!
10.09.09 at 3:49 pm
This book is strangely hypnotic. He calls his legs “getaway sticks”. That really stuck with me.
10.09.09 at 4:13 pm
get away sticks is now in my life, thank god!!
10.09.09 at 4:20 pm
this was kinda funny
10.09.09 at 4:40 pm
I prefer real cock sauce on my sammies.
10.09.09 at 8:44 pm
i have been putting sriracha on almost everything i consume for months and months, where have you all been?
10.09.09 at 9:29 pm
@Rick Deckard: This guy, clearly, only speaks the truth.I’m still laughing. MAybe it’s because I’m drunk/accidental slash/girlfriend drunk and passed out/no-blinds/macintosh/paisley/lottery tickets I haven’t checked/wacom/asshole/budweiser/accidental hero/subway/car service/monitor.
10.10.09 at 3:04 am
@felicia: you can start by trying just a little bit.
@christi Bradnox: sriracha + raspberry preserves are NOTHING like hot pepper jelly.
@nicole: millions of people have been putting sriracha on almost everything they consume for years and years, where have you been?
Now suck on some cock sauce and shut up, all of you bitches.
10.10.09 at 7:41 am
whitelightening + streetcarnage is my favorite sandwhich! yay! good team.
10.10.09 at 6:00 pm
cool. i’m to put down that other book i was reading, THE HOLY BIBLE!!! for fuck’s sake, and start reading this today.
10.11.09 at 12:50 am
hope my local university library has a copy. they must, right?
10.11.09 at 9:18 am
hey whitelightening, theres a pho joint on bedford now, cock sauce abounds. i too put it on everything. also, if you mix it with plain yogurt you can create the most tangy delightful dipping sauce for dumplins’
10.11.09 at 9:21 am
@Nicole: We’ve been eating good food, like human beings.
10.11.09 at 1:47 pm
just too totes amaze for moi.
10.11.09 at 3:50 pm
while the book sounds interesting, and the cock sauce sandwich sounds alright, your writing style and use of words disgusts me. refrain from writing until you develop a better voice than that. two thumbs down.
10.11.09 at 10:03 pm
The way you write is totes retard.
Seriously, guys, let’s cut that shit out.
10.11.09 at 10:37 pm
I think I finally got the joke. You’re writing every entry on this site in the voice Michelle Tanner from ‘Full House’ aren’t you?
10.11.09 at 11:25 pm
i tried the sandwich after reading this. it was fuckin’ chronic. i already have two friends in love with it. one of them is emailing their dad about it.
10.12.09 at 4:47 am
i like how everyone just bitches and talks shit, but the last comment is someone who shut the fuck up and did as suggested and told everyone they know about it. and i think the term cock sauce should be reserved for the 9-year olds with the grape jelly.
10.28.09 at 3:05 pm