First there was E = MC2. Now, there’s:
Doability = Initial Horniness + B(breasts) – C(stomach) – D(breasts * stomach)
where the girl is doable if and only if her Doability score > 0.
It’s a well known fact that one fundamental quality a girl must possess in order to be doable is that her breasts must stick out further than her stomach. (Recall the infamous Booty-do: “Yo dat girl’s belly sticks out more than her booty do!”) This means that breasts – stomach must be a positive value, where breasts and stomach refer to numerical measurements that quantify the size of a girl’s breasts and stomach. Every so often, someone asks the inevitable question: “What happens when a fat chick has real big breasts?” Fuck, the whole thing falls apart in these cases.
Well, no more. Say there’re two girls, Girl X and Girl Y (see Figure 1). Working in inches, let’s say Girl X has breasts = 44 and stomach = 34; not so good. Girl Y has breasts = 34 and stomach = 24; pretty awesome. Despite this, for both girls breasts – stomach = 10.
Figure 1: Two chicks, one hot, one … not so much.
The problem is that there is an interaction between breasts and stomach. Higher levels of breast have less effect when combined with higher levels of stomach (technically, the Doability slope for any given level of breast decreases linearly as you move up along the stomach axis). However, after including the cross product with Initial Horniness = 2 (not very horny), B = 1, C = 1 (which means the amount you like tits is the same as the amount you hate belly), and D = .01, we get:
Girl X: Doability = horniness + B(44) – C(34) – D(44 * 34) = 12 – 14.96 = -2.96 (not Doable)
Girl Y: Doability = horniness + B(34) – C(24) – D(34 * 24) = 12 – 8.16 = 3.84 (Doable)
Basically, no to girl X and yes to girl Y.
For all the breast men out there, you can make the formula person-specific by making the breasts coefficient (“B”) larger than 1; this results in fatter chicks with bigger breasts getting through. You can also make it event specific by modifying the horniness / drunkenness value at the time the assessment is made. An initial horniness value of 2 was set. However, by changing this value, you can change the quality of girls that are considered doable. For example, if horniness = 10, meaning you’re really horny or it’s Guinness Day, girl X becomes a 5.04 and girl Y becomes an 11.84. All of the sudden the fat chick doesn’t look so bad. (On a side note, the horniness level resets to default right after you bust a nut, which is why the fat chick will go back to a -2.96 when you’re done, which is why you’ll be filled with dread and self-loathing in the hours to follow).
Figure 2: Plane formed by the Doability equation.
Looking at Figure 2, we have the optimal levels highlighted in yellow and red, with the blues aptly representing worse and worse ratios of tits to belly. You can see that beyond a certain amount of stomach, all is lost. But also, for any given level of stomach, increasing breast size generally increases doability.
Adding a value for ass or face with associated coefficients that define importance expands the model to three or four dimensions. Expand it further to include things like “Would my mom like her?,” “How good is she at Halo?,” and even add the results of your investigation into “Is that dirt or a birthmark?” if you’re into those kinds of things.
Learn your coefficients today!
-MIKE STUART
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STREET BONER 1127
Being straight edge as a kid is a great way to rebel against: puking, getting pregnant, and wrapping your parent’s car around a tree.
Bad Behavior has blocked 4388 access attempts in the last 7 days.
win
10.23.09 at 9:14 am
im programming this into my TI
10.23.09 at 9:20 am
pretty cute.
10.23.09 at 9:22 am
what happens with implants? are they treated like imaginary numbers?
10.23.09 at 9:24 am
incredible.
10.23.09 at 9:35 am
I knew math was good for something.
10.23.09 at 9:54 am
Brilliant, and useful.
10.23.09 at 9:59 am
You forgot to factor in the “lose your game” point when doability approaches critical mass. Like if you’re hitting 10+ on the doability (like you’re really drunk/horny), there’s no way you’re going to be able to not bust a nut in your pants before you even get to say hi to her, unless you have really good game.
I’ll figure out the calculations later but I think it has to do with limits, I haven’t done calc since highschool.
10.23.09 at 10:32 am
genius
10.23.09 at 11:38 am
I’ll take girl X, thx.
10.23.09 at 12:17 pm
Who the fuck is -MIKE STUART?
This whole write-up is a paltry attempt at dick bravado, yet it’s so far from any realism that it defeats itself & the intended purpose almost compulsively.
1. Both dames are fuckable.
2. Mathematics and pussy, tits, or scat although not impossibly interdependent. Are for the most part two very separate fields, ask Stephen Hawking.
3. there’s really no third acumen, accept for that of numerical criterion.
Girl X, Girl Y!? lmao @ your fucking fagotry in hyperspace.
10.23.09 at 12:38 pm
Yep, gotta make sure we don’t bring to mind an “Infamous Booty-do”.
Dorks.
10.23.09 at 12:44 pm
finally an article that makes sense.
10.23.09 at 12:54 pm
your dick hasn’t been broke in until you fuck a fat chick. every woman you fuck after that will thank you. hell, you might mess around and fall in love with fat sex.
10.23.09 at 12:58 pm
Where does the ass factor in? What if she has tremendous cankles?
10.23.09 at 1:13 pm
@Brooklynchimp: Whoa, mellow out you monkey. Most of us are just fine with you handling the fat girl.
10.23.09 at 1:22 pm
@silly name
I’m cheery you fagot, just making daily observations is all.
10.23.09 at 1:30 pm
thank you for this, if only to serve as a justification tool to email your friends when 2 nights later your friends are looking at her pics on facebook and say “you did that with that???”
10.23.09 at 1:37 pm
i’d smash the granny out of x any day.
have you ever tried being fun?
10.23.09 at 2:07 pm
i’m so inspired to come up with an equation for dudes… yet, it’s so difficult, since 90% of what makes them attractive is hidden. but then again, they need us (females) far more than we need them… equation for male do-ability = waste of time.
10.23.09 at 2:37 pm
This is how Einstein started delving in to mathematics.
10.23.09 at 4:14 pm
@ all they dudes that said they’d fux bitch x: GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. i can smell the chicken fat through my macbook screen. yucko.
10.23.09 at 4:29 pm
i still can’t believe that guys fuck fat chicks; it’s all so insane. i can’t imagine that the extra folds in the pussy area make it taste all that good when you lick it. or do they not expect a licking because they’re fatties?
10.23.09 at 4:29 pm
^ maybe all the dudes that read this r fat too. then it would b ok; i hate skinny/fat couples.
10.23.09 at 4:48 pm
kinda funny, but some of us (myself and the blackies) like large ladies
10.23.09 at 4:57 pm
the recent influx of elite fagots on this site is deplorable.
10.23.09 at 4:59 pm
Hell yeah, way better than the kitten scale.
10.23.09 at 5:21 pm
it’s elite to not want to fornicate with an obese woman? my, how american standards have fallen in recent years.
10.23.09 at 5:33 pm
would rather fuck x
10.23.09 at 5:51 pm
also, the influx of cunts who don’t know how to spell “faggot” has really been chafing my balls lately. people who don’t know how to spell should be buried in fat chicks.
10.23.09 at 6:21 pm
Once again, Street Carnage mangles biology. Scientists have been all over this issue for decades, but I’ll dumb it down for you douches with your BAs in English.
It’s an issue of quantity vs. quality. Most guys will fuck anything with a vagina because they need quantity to feel like they aren’t pussies. These guys often go for fatties like X because fatties are generally desperate, thus EASY. There are a select few guys that pass up on quantity and go for quality alone, like 7’s or higher. Fat girls might be OK for some, but for guys with real game it’s a waste of time and reputation that could be used to bag a winner.
10.23.09 at 6:32 pm
who the fuck needs to justify who they have sex with or what they find arousing/attracive? fucking lame ass psudeo-intellectual pretentious jag offs who drink microbrew beers and correct spelling and grammar on internet message boards. if a chick/dude makes your dick hard/pussy wet then that means your into them and want to your genitals to interact with their genitals.
10.23.09 at 6:35 pm
tinyfrogs is correct. the hot guys don’t understand the mindset of the desperate men and the desperados do not believe the hot men when they say they’d rather jerk off here and there than touch fat puss and mar their otherwise hot fuck record.
10.23.09 at 6:40 pm
what if mike stuart has his own hairy beer belly and tiny dink and not even a fat chick with little boobs will let him stick it in? what’s the equation for that?
10.23.09 at 6:58 pm
great open mic, i’d pic x though, y is out of my league… way too much work. maybe there needs to be a ’scorability’ variable.
10.23.09 at 7:44 pm
Interesting viewpoints here. I can safely say I have game and have fucked what you guys would consider 5’s through amazing and perfect 10’s. 10’s are fucking lame in bed…if you guys weren’t virgins or premature ejaculation masters you’d know that. Girls with a bit of chub are more attractive physically to me, and definitely not because I’m desperate. I like a big ass, I like a little pot belly, but I don’t necessarily need big titties.
@ “tinyfrogs”
You are either a virgin or a girl because you know nothing about attraction. It has only been in the last 50 years that skinny has been attractive. Look at Marilyn Monroe and look at the entire history of the human race…you should be able to see that attraction has nothing to do with being skinny or fat.
10.23.09 at 9:57 pm
Girl X FTW!!!1
10.24.09 at 1:42 am
cheesebottoms on the money
10.24.09 at 9:19 am
@ Cheezebottoms. I’m in an LTR with a 10 with major curves, an exercise habit, and a 4 dress size. Before then I had all sorts of women. Their physical appearance had very little to do with their attitude in bed and more to do with my attitude toward them. All the guys I’ve known who expressed a preference for “girls with a bit of chub” had self-loathing issues. And if you think Monroe was “fat”, you are blind. I feel sorry for you.
Again, scientists are all over this. Yes, the features of physical attraction varies from person to person and across generations and cultures, but T&A has held up as attractive to men (possibly because wide hips denote lower potential for mortality in childbirth) and masculine features have held up as attractive to women (because most women don’t want to mate with a douche). A narrow waist magnifies the appearance of the T&A (doy), but since women tend to become larger as they age, “thinness” (as defined by being able to shop for normal-sized clothes, not by whether someone has curves) suggests youth, which men are also generally attracted to. The paintings and sculptures of eastern and western cultures usually prize young, curvy women somewhere closer to Y than X. See classical Italian sculpture and pretty much any depiction of a woman from the Indian subcontinent.
10.24.09 at 11:56 am
I want fuck that girl from that show Jonas so badly.
10.24.09 at 2:59 pm
this is retarded, why are you ripping material from 2002 internet nerds? hotness ratios have been done to death. arent you supposed to be hipper than the math nerds?
10.25.09 at 1:27 am
Sorry, this might be the gayest thing I’ve ever read. There definitely needs to be an “attainability” factor. As in, the fat girl is waaaay hotter because I can fuck her without breaking the bank on kamikaze shots for her and her whore friends.
10.25.09 at 1:50 am
holy shit
10.25.09 at 2:55 am
haha you guys go to bars and try to get laid that sucks
10.26.09 at 8:58 pm
The site’s streetbonersandtvcarnage – take it for what it is. Munroe was a size 2, and sharon, you’re just plain rude. Possibly because you are fat.
10.27.09 at 12:58 am