The church channel is lying to me. Well, to everyone. And what I am about to bitch about is not what you think. All religious issues aside, there is a crazy lady named Valerie Saxion, and she wants you to believe there is a cure for cancer and that her supplement, betaine, can help people with autism and down syndrome. (How you can fix an extra fucking chromosome is beyond me.) This Valerie person apparently got a degree in something called “naturopathy,” which I have yet to be convinced is a real word.

I tried to find some clips of her on her website, but it needed a Windows Media Player to work, (I guess if you use a Mac you aren’t a real Christian.) Anyway, there are notes from various shows, which are like the minutes to a meeting you missed on-purpose, but full of lies. Here’s some:

Other reasons for depression:
Amalgam fillings – due to the mercury content!
Metal in teeth, depression in brain!!! Yikes
Steroid drugs
Birth control pills
Sugar, sugar, sugar can make you sad and fat and then you are in a vicious cycle.
Trans fatty acids give you high cholesterol and make you depressed!
Excess caffeine
Nutritional deficiencies
Toxic liver – according to the Chinese the liver is the seat of emotion, AND I agree.

I just like that she thinks sugar will make you sad and fat, in that order. (My family is full of what we call “scrimpers,” people who are so picky with their food they will only really eat super sugary things. My mother is one of these people. She has had four children and weighs 110 pounds. I love her, despite this fact.) Oh, and OF COURSE they would say that birth control causes depression.

FOODS THAT MAKE YOU SAD:
Potato chips
Corn chips
French fries
Candy
Cookies
Cake
Mayo
Shortening
Salad dressing
Margarine
Donuts
Chicken nuggets
Tortilla chips
Puffed cheese snacks
Fried foods
Burgers
Ice cream
Cheese
Diet sodas
Low fat foods
Anything that says hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated oils

FOODS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY:
Flax
Green leafy veggies
Hemp seed
Salmon
Pumpkin seed
Herring
Soybean
Trout
Walnut
Plankton, algae
Wheat germ
Blue Fin
Chia
Caviar
Kukui
Mackerel
Sardines
Eel
Anchovies
Albacore tuna
Safflower oil
Sesame
EPO
Borage
Sunflower oil
Rice bran
Black currant seed
Lake trout
Walleye
Carp
Haddock
Northern pike
Chicken
Eggs
Lecithin
Olive oil
Gammo-linolenic acid
Linolenic acid
And many more!

Oddly enough, all her foods that supposedly make you sad are my go-to’s for cheering the fuck up, in addition to being all the greatest cures for a hangover. I would like to point out that her “Foods That Make You Happy” list should be re-named “Foods That Make You Poop.” Also, can anyone here seriously pronounce every single thing on that “Poop Foods” list? Because I can’t, and last time I checked, I don’t eat food I can’t say. (What the hell is lecithin and how do you eat it?) Also, how the fuck am I supposed to eat leafy greens without salad dressing? Have you ever tried that? It’s like sex with an ancient person, 80 year old status.

Oh shit, I almost forgot the story of the cure for cancer: This is in the show notes section, but anyway, there is some mythical tree in the Amazon that can cure cancer. Doctors tried to make a chemical version of what it does–it magically targets only the cancer cells and none of the healthy ones–in a lab and couldn’t, which doesn’t make sense because if we can clone a sheep, we can copy the chemicals in a leaf. Anyway, so the end result was this tree that could cure cancer, but since it was all-natural from a plant, they couldn’t bottle and sell it so they just never really told anyone about it.

The big flaw with this story is that she is trying to tell me you can’t make profit off of a tree, and also cannot make a prescription for a plant. Yes, she apparently has never heard of marijuana…or the logging industry.

Anyway, NO, there is not a cure for cancer. NO, you cannot get rid of an extra chromosome with a pill. And NO, I will not stop watching Val’s TV show. She asphyxiates my soul and I am into that.

-JJ

No related posts.