It’s taken me almost an entire month to realize that it is, currently, the year 2010.

2010? I’m living in the fucking future right now! People were talking about the future in 2000, humorously looking back at predictions from the 50s or 60s about the wonderful life of the future that we could possibly be living. Back then it was a “haha, people were dumb in the 50s! We don’t have flying cars but we have computers! And this internet thing that seems to be gaining popularity! Let’s go do some more coke with the money we got from our IPO! There ain’t nothing that can bring down America and our perception of worldwide stability!”

So 2000 was the nice and happy future, where we realized that maybe our silly predictions from 40 or 50 years ago were not going to come true, but hey, let’s keep on truckin’!

Now it’s 2010, and I’m angry. At the beginning of 2000, I was a much younger lad, and had no idea about how shitty the world actually is. I had barely even begun to appreciate the wonders of alcohol at that point, so, basically, I was an idiot. I thought the looks back to the past were fun and entertaining, but I was really more concerned with playing Nintendo 64.

Now, though, I feel like I’ve been let down by what I think the future should be — and, let’s face it, we are living in the fucking future right now. My friend Kenneth said that 2001 was the Space Odyssey, 2010 was the fuckin’ sequel. We are living in the SEQUEL to the FUTURE.

And what do we have? Our country is involved in two wars at the same time (I’m no statesman, but I’m pretty sure this is a bad idea). Modern men are driving and lusting after cars that were built in a time when people were making insane, impractical predictions about the crazy world which we are currently living in. And I’m still wiping my ass with paper, just like my great-grandfather did back on a farm in Newfoundland.

Most of the developing world is plagued by diseases that have been killing humans for thousands of years, two dudes who want to fuck each other can’t have a legally binding document stating that they will forever fuck one another, and I’m sure there’s tons of other shit that I’m not even thinking of that we, as humans and society haven’t accomplished.

What do we have, though, that is totally sweet?

Expensive gadgets.

We’ve given up on attempting to achieve lofty goals like world peace or Utopian cities or two-door sport coupes that can be powered by garbage and Miller High Life, and have instead focused on making sure everyone everywhere can access hilarious videos of cats doing something (provided they can pay a few hundred dollars a year).

Now, this is sweet, don’t get me wrong. I love being able to look at porn on a portable computer device while I’m shitting at work.

But where’s the world peace? Where is the unification of nations, a global embrace of love and understanding, where humans come together to apply all of mankind’s knowledge towards a goal of colonizing other planets?

Or, at the very least, why do I not have a bidet?

-RYAN DAVIDSON

Send “Open Mics” to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com

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