As the product of a single parent household, I never received “the talk.” I imagine that the talk is something that is done by the same-sex parent, so maybe that’s why me and my mom never sat down to talk about the how the labia opens up when the vulva becomes engorged, or to practice placing a condom on a banana. At any rate, my adolescence passed without any wise adult sitting me down and thrusting into the moist, pungent, nitty-gritty that is sex. I emerged a product of my time, educated mostly by pornography, the radio show Loveline, and the four hours of TV that I managed to watch almost everyday of high school. When my freshman year of college came, I got involved with a girl. At some point it started to go pretty badly, which my mom picked up on quickly from my constant moping around the house, and the Jeff Buckley that came blasting from my room. My mom then took it upon herself to call her ex-fiancé so that he could give me some general relationship wisdom. Knowing that I never had a father to go over a vagina diagram with me by lamplight, my mother’s ex-fiancé naturally assumed that any girl problems I was having were the result of gross sexual inadequacy on my part. He then decided that in order to prevent me from trying to put things in the wrong hole, an ear mayhap, he should educate me in the nuanced art of pleasing a lady. Here is the conversation that ensued.

George: Hey Matthew.

Me: Hey George, how are you?

G: I’m doin’ good. How are you? I heard you’re having girl troubles?

M: Yeah, a little bit.

G: What’s the problem?

M: Well, I don’t know. It’s kinda like we’re not going out anymore.

G: Like how? Are you not gettin’ the pussy anymore? Wait, let me take a step back. Were you ever gettin’ the pussy?

M: Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

G: Is that an answer?

M: Like…I guess she’s been sorta withdrawn lately. So no. There is no pussy being got.

G: Is there anything else?

M: Well, that’s serious, but she’s been cold. And bitchy. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like me anymore.

G: Do you still want to go out with her?

M: I guess so.

G: I’m sorry to hear about that. I really am. But trust me, you’re young, there’s gonna be plenty of girls after this one. This is what you need to do. You need to sit down with her and say, ‘Look, I like you, but I’m not happy. The feeling I get from you is that you don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. If that’s true you need to tell me so I can go and find someone who will appreciate me.’

M: …Thanks a lot George. You know what, that’s probably exactly what I’ll say.

G: Yeah, so what are you going to do after that.

M: What do you mean?

G: Well, say that she says she still wants to be with you, what are you going to do?

M:I hadn’t thought that far ahead.

G: After ya’ll talk, you need to say, “Now baby, I know before that I was selfish. I know that before it was all about me, me, me. But if you let me, I want it to be all about you, you, you.

M: I was selfish?

G: Do you have any money?

M: Uh, not really.

G: Alright. You need to take her out to dinner. Not someplace really fancy, but someplace alright. Listening?

M: Is this because I was selfish? When was I selfish?

G: Then you need to take her someplace where you all can be alone, like a motel. Tell her, ‘Tonight is about you. Baby, tonight all I want to do is make you feel good.’ Let me tell you Matthew, I know cummin’ feels good, but makin’ a girl cum, it’s like the best feeling in the world. You need to make her cum.

M: Wait, where are we going?

G: You need to suck her titties. Don’t be hard. Don’t eat the titty, suck the titty, be gentle. Then you need to move down. Don’t stay on the titties too long, make your way slowly to her pussy. Have you eaten her pussy yet?

M: Um…like…um…like.

G: Matthew, you need to eat her pussy out. Don’t blow in it or nothing. Actually, if you put your lips all the way around a pussy and blow into it, you can kill a girl. Did you know that?

M: Uh, no I did not.

G: Eat her pussy out. You gotta stick to the clit. It’s a funny thing right at the top. On some girls it looks like a little dick. You need to jam on that clit, but don’t make her cum. Right before you get her there, you need to stop, and give her the dick.

M: But it’s mine, the dick. It’s my dick.

G: Don’t give her the whole dick. You need to tease her. Just give her a little taste, just a little baby taste. Put it in, but then take it right back out. Do that a couple of times. Then finally, let it stay in there, and settle into a good rhythm. BUT DON’T LET HER CUM. Right when you she think she’s there, when you feel the pussy getting’ ready to cum, take it out, and go back to eatin’ her pussy. Do you know why I’m telling you all of this Matthew? I’m telling you this because, if you make a girl cum, that’s it. Make a girl cum and she’ll never leave you.

M: Well um, thanks a lot George.

G: You know what else you should do? You need to take a shower with her. So, get in the shower with her, and I know this sounds nasty, I know it sounds nasty but if you do this she’ll lose her mind, she’ll never leave you: you need to take your tongue, take your tongue, and slowly, lick her asshole. Just get in between those cheeks and jam on that asshole for a while, and she’ll go crazy. After that she’ll be eating out of your hand, just eating out of your hand like a little mouse. [Makes mouse noises.]

M: Wow. Wow I didn’t know that. Thanks a lot George, really helps. I have to meet someone at 5:30 but I’ll talk to you later, alright?

G: Alright Matthew. When do you want the money for that motel room?

M: We’ll talk about it later, is that cool?

G: Yeah, see ya Mathew.

M: Thanks a lot Geroge, see ya.

Just having been directed by my mother’s ex-fiance to toss a girl’s salad, after I stopped jumping up and down in embarrassment I had to sit down for a couple of minutes and process what had happened to me. Was the ass-to-mouth conversation next? How long before we made it to erotic asphyxiation? Furries/plushies? Exactly how pervasive was the rimjob that it was recommended to me by a man who had been involved with my mother for several years, and what did else did that imply? I wiped all of that from my mind and resolved to employ George’s non-erotic advice. Later that summer the girl at the root of the whole mess dumped me, and yes, I pussed way out: I did not even consider offering a night of soul awakening rimming as proof of my affection. What does this tell us? Probably, that George was right, and if I really wanted to stay with this girl, I would’ve gotten down on all fours and put my telescope to her brownstar. But alas, I did not; such is young love.

- Matthew Richardson

Related posts:

1. OPEN MIC: HOW TO EARN A WOMAN’S RESPECT
2. OPEN MIC: A LADY’S SEXUAL PERFORMANCE
3. OPEN MIC: LOSING MY VIRGINITY ON TAPE
4. OPEN MIC: GEORGE BUSH MADE THE SWINE FLU
5. MILLION WEEK: SCREAMY TALK