My Mom never found out because the next time I visited home I left a photoshopped copy of my transcript in my suitcase. I knew she’d go snooping soon as I left it alone.
She just thought I was an idiot because it took me two extra semesters to graduate. And I was an idiot because when I needed to go to grad school we had little money left. But who the hell knew I was going to have to go to grad school?
My parents were education snobs. Like most LA yuppies, they wanted their kid to go to Harvard because it reflected status upon themselves.
I got into Tulane and rejected from NYU. I wanted to take a year off and maybe consider going to art school. But I went to Tulane. Lets call it peer pressure. I wasn’t impressed from the day I got there. Even when I’d visited as an applicant. And once I was there, I didn’t fancy the company of frat boys and sorority girls. I just didn’t know it yet. Who knew the school was filled with them?
The south was backwards as a misspelled dictionary. People were dumber than I’d ever witnessed before in my life. And hanging out with white frat boys, I could begin to feel them acting vaguely like a lynch mob, or a bunch of high society Mr. Burns’. I still wanted to transfer to NYU.
I got into NYU as a visiting student and once in as a visited student I had an NYU teacher write me a rec and my Brooklyn loft living, Brown graduate roommate “assist” me with my admissions essay. I was from LA. I was “bright” supposedly but I couldn’t speak a full sentence. I was about as articulate as Shaquille O’Neal.
My Mom was now happy that she could brag that I went to a top school. At first, she didn’t care how much it cost. After about a year I was tired of it. I wanted to drop out. I wanted to transfer to another school.
I was living in a 6 by 8 shoebox in the East Village. All I had was a mattress with no desk. A new semester was starting and I couldn’t afford books. Living on $100 a week, I could hardly afford food. I couldn’t afford a jacket. So as the fall began, and the cold crept in, I was attending my first classes hungry, without books for them, cold, in a depressing apartment. Plus I had the worst insomnia you could imagine.
I hated Bush and well, I didn’t really like Americans or America. Not after having been to London for a few weeks that summer. I’d quit my summer job early, and taken a month long trip to Europe without telling my parents.
Well, when classes started I knew how much NYU cost. I knew I could do so many cool things with the money. I had heard that I didn’t need school. I wanted to be a writer, so all I had to do was read books. Basically, I walked into the bursar’s office changed my permanent home address and had them reimburse my tuition money into my bank account without them issuing a letter to my Mom. I said “Is my tuition money mine? Or is it someone else’s?” They paused for a second “It’s yours.”
The thing is my Mom could have afforded to give me more than $100 a week. She didn’t do it because she “had been on her own since 18, and survived” etc… But she hadn’t gone to NYU, she hadn’t lived in New York, and it took her 13 years to graduate. And I had no idea how hard you had to try to get a part-time job in New York, and that you had to be a beautiful person, basically. It ended up costing my Mom a lot more.
-Vegan Jules
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Hang on. Vegan Jules is Natalie Merchant and vice versa?
05.01.09 at 5:34 pm
“And I had no idea how hard you had to try to get a part-time job in New York”
Wait, what?
05.01.09 at 5:39 pm
Still deserve that tire iron beating.
05.01.09 at 5:40 pm
part 2 makes you even more of a loser.
05.01.09 at 5:52 pm
GROSSNESS MAXIMUS. UGH.
05.01.09 at 5:55 pm
you’re from LA but you hate america and americans? you’re the worst kind of person.
05.01.09 at 6:02 pm
NYU(CK)
REED MOAR BEWKS PLZ
05.01.09 at 6:02 pm
I can taste part 3. Open mic? More like Three day weekend.
05.01.09 at 6:12 pm
What a Grown-Up.
05.01.09 at 6:25 pm
you are a sniveling little bitch
05.01.09 at 6:26 pm
fuck i wish i had 14large right now. life would be soo much better. sad.
05.01.09 at 6:32 pm
The money or your cornhole, Jim. Make a choice.
05.01.09 at 6:35 pm
only the worst people steal from their own relatives, What? were we spoze to hi5 you or something, Ya fuckin faggot!
05.01.09 at 6:38 pm
I’ve forwarded this to The Center for Reproductive Rights.
I’m surprised that you agreed to fight Gavin; you couldn’t wring out a napkin.
05.01.09 at 6:41 pm
You’re a fucking retarded bitch. Get the fuck out of the United States you piece of garbage. Fuck you and fuck your family.
05.01.09 at 6:51 pm
This pretty much confirms everything I thought about you from the beginning. You should probably hang yourself ASAP.
05.01.09 at 7:21 pm
Where did luscious lips go?
05.01.09 at 7:26 pm
This was awful.
05.01.09 at 7:35 pm
go steal jacket asshole.
05.01.09 at 7:52 pm
I wish you hadn’t confessed this on Street Carnage but at your local parish and that I didn’t read this on here but was the priest at said Parish so I could punch right through the screen in the confessional and bounce your hideous head off of my fist.
05.01.09 at 8:05 pm
Seriously, please leave America you fucking piece of shit.
05.01.09 at 8:07 pm
Wow. This is like the lower-brow, low-rent version of every Bret Easton Ellis novel wrapped into one. Who knew that boring came in neon?
More to the point: dude, vegan jules, the fact that you had the opportunity and cash flow to study out of state is well out of the “sympathy/pity/empathy” zone. Worse, having writerly ambitions despite being as articulate as Shaq and even having to use a friend’s skills to write an essay should be direct proof that a career in writing probably isn’t in the works for you. And, the fact that you call the South backward and proceed onto New York with the misconception that you somehow won’t be living in a fucking closet is, well, fuck, not really “ironic,” just, you know, funny.
Anyway, I should really wrap this one up. But, before I leave (figuratively, I’m always here in spirit) I just want to say one (okay, a few) last thing(/s): you are a mediocre motherfucker. Pissing away privilege is one thing (really, this is college in a nutshell), but shitting on your parents at the same time is bona fide, Webster’s approved fucked up. What were your plans with the money? To go back to Europe and take various photos of you in different stages of audible mouth-breathing?
05.01.09 at 8:25 pm
This kid can’t write. Even if he could, he would still suck, don’t let rich kids tell any of their stories or give their opinions.
Fuck the wealthy, literally.
05.01.09 at 9:05 pm
so you had $100 a week but you went to europe? maybe your problem is you’re a pussy. aww boo hoo my parents pay for everything.
05.01.09 at 9:24 pm
Jesus, this kid is depressing. I’m sorry, but anyone can get a f*cking job. You thought you were above most jobs huh? Probably one of those dudes who tried to get a job at a record store? The reason your mom was only giving you $100 a week was because she wanted you to get off your ass and find a job.
05.01.09 at 9:51 pm
Also, tuck in your fucking shirt and get some pants that fit.
05.01.09 at 9:52 pm
Are these open mic entries not being screened? Jesus, no wonder you needed your roommate to do your admissions essay, this was terrible! But keep trying
.
05.01.09 at 11:23 pm
You will serve me beef tips on Atlantic Beach and every time I want to hear Roky E you will hold a jam box (Ohio Players) and feed me rum and pineapple juice, reciting the Green Tara meditation. I will wake up to full on murder.
05.02.09 at 12:18 am
Puke On YOU
05.02.09 at 12:36 am
So you want to be a writer? Reading books is definitely not the way to become one. That’s maybe for becoming an editor or some other publishing job. How much of the 14K you got left? I knew a guy who went to NYU for film school. He got into drugs. When he didn’t make enough money, he found a wealthy young man who wanted to be a writer. The rich kid thought he could absorb the junky’s stories if he supported the guy. So a junky got something like $900 a month (enough in the ’90’s) to hang out with a rich kid and tell stories. So find yourself a junky, pay up, and take notes. Or find somebody with more money than stories, who would like to part with money and have more stories.
05.02.09 at 1:42 am
keep chicken shitting your way through life littleman. Sounds like you sucked 14,000 drops of milk from your mom’s titty.
05.02.09 at 2:50 am
god, you suck.
05.02.09 at 4:17 am
BILLY JOEL!
05.02.09 at 6:50 am
Gavin printed this first draft I sent him because he said the other one was too short. I thought he might pick and choose a few details, because he said he needed clarification. This is shit writing that I didn’t think was at all for posting.
9/10 of this got the delete button on the next draft.
I would’ve never submitted this shit for posting. Is he’s trying to make me look like a twat? Am I not a staff writer or something, so the rest of us have to be bad writers?
05.02.09 at 6:56 am
First and only time I tried, I got accepted at NYU.
I couldn’t go because my parents didn’t have the money.
That’s the reason I’ve never taken people such as you seriously.
05.02.09 at 7:10 am
WAH! I didn’t know Gavin wanted my first draft to be good! WAH! I didn’t know NYC was so expensive! WAH! Guess I’ll steal 10G from my mommy, brag about it, wear eyeliner, and eat some vegetables!
Fucking infant.
05.02.09 at 7:30 am
well dude. You probably had a fairly decent relationship with them, and some decent fairly average friends. I had a fucked up, fighting, screaming blah blah blah relationship with my parents, and I got money from one of them while the other was unemployed my entire life. All the kids I went to school with were millionaires and went to Yale, Harvard, and Penn and on to law, med, biz school. Basically, I’ve never really met normal people like you guys who hang out on the internet. Except for my neighborhood friends who never went to college, and are doing fine. Did you have an okay time growing up? Not a lot of pressure? Could you just relax and worry about pulling birds? Or were you flying from couch to couch, trying always to crash at friend’s places because you didn’t want to go home, all the while competing with kids with two maids and a full-time Mom? Insomnia for 10 years? Fuck off bitch. Your worldview is limited. And for what it’s worth, you didn’t miss much.
05.02.09 at 7:48 am
and yeah. I did try to get a job at a record store! how’d you know?!
05.02.09 at 7:53 am
I was waiting for part 3 where this guy turns it all around and plays us all.
How do your actions apply to your outlook on life in general? Either get something out of this or dig deeper into this creepy selfishness vibe (that might be interesting).
There’s other stuff to comment on here. {No mention of a Father figure. Meatless (no balls) Family Jewels?} This is your journey Dude.
- Do a Drunk Bebate about being a priviledged art-fag between you and the ugliest dirtiest wino you can find. Film it, post it, and everyone will forgive you.
05.02.09 at 8:04 am
You’re still crying. Other people have had the same and much worse. Good luck being your Dad.
05.02.09 at 8:07 am
^VJ did you really think you would find ANY sympathy for what you submitted to Gavin from the people who have been chided into ripping you apart by BN? pack it in, son. nice try.
05.02.09 at 10:40 am
only someone this naive could be so spoiled and not yet be aware of it. your mother made you what you are.
05.02.09 at 11:12 am
but you have the ability to figuratively fuck your mother and admit to liking it. that’s more than most guys.
05.02.09 at 11:16 am
“Is he’s trying to make me look like a twat?”
no dude you’re doing that all by yourself
05.02.09 at 11:48 am
despite all the glowingly positive reactions to this piece – it IS impossible to handle living in new york broke and not want to drink yourself fat.
05.02.09 at 12:13 pm
~This is a Story About Me and My Mom~
-the end
Jesus christ, what a fucking fag.
05.02.09 at 12:19 pm
Homeboy Gavity Gav oughta be given adderall from the government for free. I wouldn’t have enjoyed the piece nearly as much if I wasn’t given a peak into the editorial process. Fine fine work. I open mic never ends. You could wink at this guy and he still wouldn’t get it.
05.02.09 at 12:55 pm
I have spent the last two years teaching pre-meds at NYU, and directly observing the life I could have had if my evil parents would have spent the money I knew they had on one of the rich kid universities that I got into.
I am so glad that they told me to sit down and shut up and go to the ‘crappy’ state school and study. This is not just about me getting 10X the education than if I would have gone to Brown. It is also about avoiding an environment where it is considered normal for parents to fund the ridiculous whims of life retarded 20 year old kids. If my parents would have enabled what I thought were my dreams when I was 20, I would be completely fucked today.
05.02.09 at 1:26 pm
Is he a dwarf?
05.02.09 at 1:31 pm
if his mom gave him 14gs for a semester, i doubt she’s really worried about. 14gs for the rich is like the poor making it a special night and ordering a pizza
05.02.09 at 2:36 pm
I liked you better when you were better looking
05.02.09 at 3:48 pm
It’s nice that one commenter felt the need to request that the author wear tighter pants.
05.02.09 at 3:57 pm
i worked 40 hours a week at 2 different jobs to put myself through school in NY for 4 years. there was no one to steal from but future-me, and Visa. boo fucking hoo.
05.02.09 at 5:04 pm
Tip:
When calling someone a “bitch,” it’s always a good idea to first remove your eyeliner.
05.02.09 at 5:40 pm
People keep making comments under my name. It messes with my self-perception.
05.02.09 at 6:46 pm
You guys should probably take it easy on the guy. He had insomnia for ten years.
05.02.09 at 7:54 pm
I couldn’t go to college because I had no money, and my drunk mother refused to co-sign student loans. I had to wait till I was 24 years old, and fiscally independent in the eyes of the government (and awarded a shit ton more aid). In the meantime, I searched for a job at a college so I could take classes for tuition reimbursement- it was the only fucking way I could do it, and I was just that hungry for high education. I finally found such a job after a year, where a I worked for 2 years and enjoyed the benefit of 2 classes a semester.
Finally, when I was 24, I was accepted to NYU. But the school offered me 1/4 of the financial aid I needed.
So basically, FUCK YOU you spoiled, bratty prick.
05.02.09 at 7:59 pm
Notice to all aspiring writers:
When submitting your essays for Open Mic, be sure to include a photograph.
05.02.09 at 8:06 pm
^ hahaaaha mmhmmmm So we can all know what we’re dealin’wit
05.02.09 at 8:55 pm
I know how to fix all this for you get a job doing hard physical work and everything will be fine you’ll make good money you’ll get pussy or dick because you’re not a typical weak fake poor 20 something or a dumbass working man you’ll be to tired from getting up at 4:30 in the morning and actually working to get all worked up and whinny about some stupid shit like killing animals or your stupid parents and you can move into the next neighborhood to be cool in 5-10 years without getting the shit beat out of you because you’ll just be another working person getting by and totally be old school when all the young sexy cool kids get there also you have some fucking stories to tell and time to write them when you get home at 2:30 in the afternoon I think you should go the electrician route they accept pussys
05.02.09 at 10:00 pm
“Every night before I rest my head
See those dollar bills go swirling ’round my bed.
I know they’re stolen, but I don’t feel bad.
I take that money, buy you things you never had.”
05.02.09 at 11:52 pm
okay. What do you guys think about my music?
myspace.com/veganjules
05.03.09 at 4:45 am
You will steal so many readers from this site with your myspace. Why do you keep popping up on here? To undermine the do’s and don’ts community?
05.03.09 at 5:39 am
100 dollars a week when you’re in college and you’re having tuition paid for you (which probably includes room and board) is not a small amount of money. factor in credit cards, and you were probably more than ok.
i bet your parents would’ve bought you the books too.
i want a nice new undercoverism jacket too, but you probably coulda settled for something from gstar.
05.03.09 at 11:03 am
You are like the whistle sound a bomb makes as it falls towards earth.
05.03.09 at 6:21 pm
you guys got the wrong fucking person. I’m from Culver City, which is basically Bushwick. Most of what I’ve got, I fuckin TOOK. I’m just a chav (english slang for lower-middle class, rowdy youth) with an education. All you fucking moaning 9 to fivers can suck my fucking dick. You ain’t never takin half the risks or had half the balls to do what I’ve done. And this isn’t even my fuckin intentional writing. All you little cunts whining about how you never had the chance to do this or that. You know why I took all this shit? Cause I never wanted to be the fucking victim. I didn’t want to be one of those cunts on Wall Street growin up sayin they had it rough and now they’re a big success blah blah blah. I didn’t want to say I never had the chance to do this or that, because blah blah blah. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. So if you wanted something, go fucking get it. And yeah when it came down to it, I passed up a fucking big Wall street career so that I could wash dishes, smear bagels, serve chicken, and make smoothies. I also said fuck off to Hollywood and to publishing, so I could do my arts thing. Do I regret it even if I dropped dead now? Fuck no. The arts are a portal to another world. You think I give a fuck about writing anymore? this is just one of the things I do. Anyways, fuck you.
05.03.09 at 6:49 pm
P.S. You know why my Mom made a bunch of money? Cause the courts deemed her unfit to raise me. So basically she was fucking insane, but she got to have a big career because she never had to pick me up from anywhere or make me a fucking lunch. If I could show you one tenth of the fucked up, abusive emails she’s sent me (and that’s just emails), you’d shit your fucking pants, cause you’ve never heard anyone so fucking nasty and out of their mind. You fucking people have no fucking clue. You try to bottle peoples lives up on a cursory glance. The moral of this fucking story, or the message, as with all my stories, in some fucked up way is: “strange remedies for strange sores.” And yes that’s a Shakespeare quote, and no I probably wouldn’t be able to quote that if I didn’t go to a good school. Again, fuck you.
05.03.09 at 6:58 pm
awesome man. fuck the h8ers.
also, let’s see some of your mom’s emails!
05.03.09 at 8:03 pm
i applaud you for taking the money, and life, by the balls. that’s awesome.
i wince when you assume that you had it bad w/your mother. abusive conversations, not getting picked up and not getting lunch? oy vey. you don’t know from bad.
05.03.09 at 9:15 pm
Ok so… you were the pathetic joke for this weekend so shut up now. Its monday. Kid’s clearly retarded. Lauren white is working on a tight piece for next weekend.
05.03.09 at 9:18 pm
I stopped reading this halfway through cause I don’t give a shit about you or what you have to say.
05.03.09 at 11:39 pm
There’s always some poor wretch who’s had it worse. Anyways, when I try and point out something that could end all this inequality and your unhappiness, you don’t fucking listen
http://www.amazon.com/World-Peace-Diet-Spiritual-Harmony/dp/1590560833/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1241425240&sr=8-1
05.04.09 at 4:32 am
barf, that sense of entitlement sure does make life seem xtra tuff, huh?
05.04.09 at 9:30 am
this is a better book.
05.04.09 at 10:01 am
Wow, veganjules has it so rough, man. He’s such a young artist, too, who said “fuck off” to hollywood and publishing and took his amazing skils elsewhere.
05.04.09 at 11:56 am
The shit doesn’t fall far from the bitch’s ass, does it?
05.04.09 at 2:35 pm