Well, Dr. Cocktagon had a hell of an idea last night: After reading Vane$$a’s guest-post on the The Black Beatles, he thought of how cool it would be to offer ALL the Street Carnage commenters to a chance to write their own posts.
I mean, you all act like such fucking know-it-all geniuses all the time, let’s see how YOU would fucking do, amirite?
Here at SBTVC, we liked that idea so much that we stole it, like ELVIS, leaving Dr. Cocktagon and The Black Beatles crew poor and starving like black old Muddy Waters. Don’t worry, they’re used to it.
Sign-up sheet is below, first come probably first serve. Mail your shit to me at blogngr @ g mail, or tweet me a link to it, and I’ll see that it gets put up on a weekend at SC.
Here’s the first entry:
SBTVC’s OPEN MIC WEEKENDS. Your articles uncensored – no questions asked:
WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE A BROKE CANADIAN:
Don’t fucking move to New York City during a recession. Rule number one. It’s a pretty easy rule to follow, but somehow I still managed to fuck up. Like I did last July when I basically got myself fired from work. I was a TV producer for a big news entertainment show and maybe a too much of a smart-ass for my own good. I fired off an email to a dickhead coworker just above me about wanting to report and produce for VFest in Toronto which was interpreted as trying to “call the shots”. Needless to say that I never made it to VFest and my boss was forwarded the email which for some reason rubbed him the wrong way. He freaked out and before I knew it I was given a weak settlement package and headed to Europe. Oh yeah, rule number two: don’t go to Europe and blow all your cash on clothes and $8 beer.
Back to rule number one. I couldn’t find a job in my field in Toronto so I got it in my head that despite the widespread layoffs in TV, I might still be able to find work in NYC. Land of opportunity, right? Wrong as shit. Unless I want to wash dishes and be called “Mammi” all fucking day long, there isn’t anything out there that’s going to buy you drugs, booze and pay rent. You’re just going to piss away that line of credit you had to take out and hitch a ride back home where you’ll spend your days remembering when you had a blast in New York but the smell of vomit on your friends couch is just going to bring you back to the harsh reality that is the shitty life you’ve managed to create for yourself.
So don’t get yourself fired then go on an expensive vacation overseas and then decide to take out a line of credit and move to Brooklyn cause really, it’s not that crazy different from Montreal and Toronto. And don’t find a boy/girlfriend when you move away too cause it makes leaving a hell of a lot harder.
—
Now send me your posts, and I’ll see you get fame. And hey, don’t forget to leave feedback for Vane$$a!
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it was a stream of conciousness, i.e., we all know what the fuck she’s talking about. good though. i likey.
04.24.09 at 12:00 pm
Who’s gonna be on SBTVC on the weekend?
We can’t do this on our own time, CORPORATE AMERICA PAYS!
04.24.09 at 12:04 pm
I hope too long writes one
04.24.09 at 12:54 pm
@ whiner’s
me too!
Only problem is I’m sure he/she would never out themselves by posting under their commenters name. Anyone writing in for that shit is bound to use their real name. For all you or I know this chick Antonella is “too long”.
04.24.09 at 1:00 pm
why don’t all the hipster kids just move to a new town? it would totally be possible if we all moved there and started out own bars and record stores and restaurants. we’d all have places to hang out, people to fuck and jobs to work at, and we could do it all for half of what we’re paying now, like Austin was back in the 80’s.
ah, I can dream, can’t I?
04.24.09 at 1:18 pm
Blognigger, are you actually Vane$$a?
04.24.09 at 1:20 pm
I hear Jared Swilley tried out to be a member of Gravy Train!!! At his audition he wore a butt plug that had a piece that wrapped under his taint and had a little cup on the end that held one ball at a 90 degree angle from his then erect penis.
Can you confirm this, Jared Swilley
04.24.09 at 1:41 pm
‘It is not your lot to escape the contemporary critic, the hypocritical callous contemporary critic, who will call your cherished creations mean and insignificant, will assign you an ignoble place in the ranks of writers who have insulted humanity, will attribute to you the qualities of her heroes, will strip you of heart and soul and the divine fire of talent. For the contemporary critic does not recognise that the telescope through which you behold the sund and the microscope which unfolds to us the movements of unnoticed insects are equally marvelous. For the contemporary critic does not recognise that great spiritual depth is needed to light up a picture of ignoble life and transform it into a gem of creative art. For the contemporary critic does not admit that the laughter of lofty delight is worthy to stand beside exalted lyrical emotion, and that there is all the world of difference between it and the antics of clowns at a fair! All this the critic of today does not admin, and he will turn it all into the censure and dishonour of the unrecognised writer. Without sympathy, without response, without compassion, you are left by the roadside like the traveller without a family. Hard is your lot and bitterly you feels your loneliness.’ -Dead Souls
04.24.09 at 1:42 pm
Streetboning is by far the worst on sc. Please never let him post- jut look what he just tldrrd
04.24.09 at 2:18 pm
yeah… pre-facken-tentious
04.24.09 at 2:26 pm
Oh gollie, can I rite won? Pleese mee too? Whaaaaa! It would be such a onner.
04.24.09 at 2:35 pm
Antonella,
Your problems seem to stem from the fact that you’re not playing to your strengths. Have you tried sucking cock for money? Your article seems to suggest that you’re a woman of loose moral standing with little common sense, which means you’re likely taking it in the mouth with regularity anyway. As has been mentioned on this website many times before – never do something you’re good at for free.
Start collecting upfront before you let it hit the back of your throat and I’m sure in time you’ll not only be able to afford life in NYC, but will likely be able to graduate to Paris or Tokyo or any other pretentious mega city of your choosing.
No need to thank me for this advice, I’m simply here to do God’s work.
04.24.09 at 3:26 pm
It just goes to show
04.24.09 at 3:42 pm
I cant wait for all these page long posts talking about shit anyone over the age of 22 should already know.
04.24.09 at 6:36 pm
ohh yeah and page long comments. Im already gagging.
04.24.09 at 6:37 pm
how do canadians work in the states without a visa? or are generic canadian-i’m-too-cool-for- toronto-montreal-vancouver hipsters beyond the law?
04.24.09 at 6:48 pm
Vanne$$a is a dude?
04.24.09 at 8:03 pm
Attaboy Blog Nog. Not fit 2 print 4 life niggaz.
04.24.09 at 9:26 pm
New York is for the strong. Peace out, pussy.
04.24.09 at 10:46 pm
New York is for fags who get scared in Albany.
04.25.09 at 6:00 am
Puss out, peacy.
04.25.09 at 6:21 am
Vane$$a’s a better writer than all you motherfuckers combined! UNREAL.
04.25.09 at 12:11 pm
@streetboning
Go fuck yerself. I saw what you said about me at black beatles, you fucking jagoff. Give me a call when you have a stock-pile of creativity so deep that you can take a story like my Easter Weekend, relegate it to the bottom of that pile in terms of quality, yet still be able to say that it’s good enough to give to your friends to post on their blog for FREE. Until then, keep your fucking mouth shut cuz you ain’t shit.
@ ALL my fans
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and support, both here and at The Black Beatles. There will always be a soft spot for every one of you in my heart.
@Stoopid
NO, you dumb motherfucker. Vane$$a and Blognigger are not the same person. STFU.
04.25.09 at 1:34 pm
Yes we are
04.25.09 at 1:50 pm
^^^LIAR!
04.25.09 at 3:53 pm
Vane$$a is a true American success story. You go girl…or something.
04.25.09 at 4:19 pm
Your all a bunch of yawnsom fuckers.
Bonwee!
04.25.09 at 7:20 pm
^^^jealousy rears its ugly head^^^
04.25.09 at 7:25 pm
I don’t know, it’s like Vane$$a’s becoming more and more brilliant/ballsy with every passing day. She’s writing the book for nobodies on how to achieve internet fame. I’m finally getting the joke, and it’s a damn good one.
04.25.09 at 7:29 pm
I think Vane$$a sucks crazy ass. I have this recurring dream where her naked body is straddling my hardened cock, but she won’t let me fuck her until I listen to her talk her shit, something she never stops doing, i.e. I never get laid. It both frightens me and turns me on to know that somewhere out there lies a computer chock full of all her crazy bullshit. That thing should go in a fucking interactive museum after she dies, just so can we learn from it or punish people or whatever. It’s an insane addiction.
04.25.09 at 7:35 pm
I’ve been in therapy ever since I came across vanessa.
04.25.09 at 7:36 pm
@Total Pussy
me 2
04.25.09 at 7:37 pm
Why is Arv so boring and gross? We call him Bongo Boy at my house.
04.25.09 at 7:41 pm
@ manny
seek help.
@ Kurtis Cello
me 3
04.25.09 at 7:46 pm
one of these mentions drew. is she gone?
also, i posted on shitcocks’ comment board that this is a good idea, but should have a word limit. do it!
04.25.09 at 7:49 pm
dude or not, i’d be on vane$$a like white on rice.
04.25.09 at 8:06 pm
What the fuck are you Vane$$a? Jesus Christ. This is so unfair.
04.26.09 at 5:38 am
Yes, please let all the hipsters move to another city, far, far away.
02.10.10 at 10:37 am