By now you may have heard about the secret parties we started having at a warehouse in Washington Heights where we invite 500 people to a party and kill one person at random. When we first started organizing them people said it would flop and nobody would want to come but once we got 100 people involved, we had to fight the rest off. Apparently, most of you are fine with 1 in 500 odds. You’re probably in more danger walking around Bushwick after midnight. Tough times call for some tough partying.
Without getting into the details of the murder, it’s worth noting the exploding screams the death brought out of the audience. Once everyone realized they weren’t going to be killed, the whole party ramped up into a fucking orgy of dancing, fighting, and screaming in ecstasy. What a trip. The environment pre-kill was tense in a horny kind of way but the release of knowing life goes on made an orgasm look like sex ed homework. It was like camping in that it was “in tents.”
We will not be announcing the location of our next First 500 party until three hours before and it will be done via our Twitter account so please have your costumes on you at all times. Until then, enjoy every moment on this mad planet because it could be your last.

PS: Our condolences go to the Costinalizarro family. He seemed like a good kid.

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